Conservative Humor

by Jagger Grey @JaggerGrey Washington, DC - In a joint press conference today Vice-President Joe Biden and Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius announced a re-branding effort to better communicate the program often referred to as “Obamacare.” Though the legal name of the legislation is the “Affordable Care Act”, many in the media, the general public and even the administration have referred to it as “Obamacare.” The re-branding effort is designed to better communicate the realities of the legislation and its effect on America.  The new title is the “Healthcare Enrollment Liberation Law” or “H.E.L.L.” for short.

“The Presidents landmark healthcare legislation allows for people who previously were unable to obtain healthcare, because they didn’t work or didn’t want it, to now be able to afford it through taxpayer subsidies. Better yet, this legislation allows those who do currently work but are losing their jobs because of this law the liberating freedom to no longer work and stay home playing X-Box. That’s the kind of liberation this administration provides.” Biden said from pre-written material the Obama administration later wish he hadn’t read. “We said you’d be able to keep your doctor. We were lying. But what about people who don’t like their doctors and were too nice to request a new one? Now they are liberated from that doctor by no longer being able to use them.”  Secretary Sebelius added.

When asked if the healthcare.gov website would change to HELL.gov, a spokesperson for Secretary Sebelius said “We asked, but the IRS already has dibs. But rest assured, if you go to healthcare.gov we guarantee you'll be taken straight to H.E.L.L."

by Jagger Grey @JaggerGrey Traffic accidents in major metropolitan areas are down 34% in the first month of 2014, due to new found awareness of “unintelligent driver” warning stickers, the federal department of transportation reports. Spokesman Randy Gorge stated Thursday that, “Drivers are keeping their distance from those cars labeled with the ‘idiot driver’ stickers; this increased awareness had dramatically improved the safety on America’s roadways.”

There are a number of these stickers, varying in their wording, but all now successfully alerting those driving behind them that the driver  is a complete idiot who has no clue what they are doing. "They’re not 100% accurate as sometimes the driver is not in fact the owner of the car who placed the sticker on, but we feel that the extra caution is saving lives,” Gorge stated.

Some of the more successful wording configurations include “Obama 2012”, “Obama 2008”, “Obama/Biden”, and the single most effective ”I Support Obamacare” . The stickers, with similar text, font and “O” symbol are recognizable from a distance. “The branding of the symbol associated with these stickers has really helped make this sign more recognizable, further alerting drivers, even those who can’t read English, to steer clear of those vehicles,” Gorge continued.

“Our only concern now is the increasing number of those who are removing their stickers. We’re looking in to legislation requiring those with the stickers to keep them,” Gorge continued. “We don’t want people who have previously self-identified as a complete moron now deciding they don’t want to be labeled as such, it’s not fair to the rest of the drivers."