Leave Reality at the Door

Shiniez: A fantastic lesbian comic everyone needs to read. Now.

I know I don't belong in my current geographical location. To me, that's exactly all it is: a current geographical location that I despise. I don't want to change it, I don't want to fix it or even attempt to work with it. There are others happy with it as is or would be happier with minor changes. I personally wish to escape. 

Every community, culture, nation, political climate and so on and so forth has it's own issues. However it's about finding the one with the issues you can work around, or deal with. I'll be honest and say that I look to the USA or Canada when I think of a place I'd love to move to. 

I want a community that accepts the characteristics I was born with, such as being a gay female. I want a community and climate that allows me to write. Whenever I try to plan how to leave this place, I'm bombarded with a variety of options but only few are feasible. Most importantly, one that cannot literally force me into life choices I despise.

I don't care if most people didn't like me, that's nothing new. I just don't want any person to have power over my life decisions. So, you disagree with my choice to pursue writing? Great! Opinions are fantastic. So some neighbor doesn't like that I am gay? I respect her opinion, just as long as we both keep our distances. So person xyz dislikes that I (would) have tattoos? I understand, but as long as there's a clear line that this is my body and I am free to do with it as I like, we're all good!

So all I have been able to do is give 100% of myself over to every task I set out in hopes it somehow opens doorways. University? My average is an A, Work experience? I've always had a job while studying. Sometimes a full time job along with full time university. I've competed in many things and I've either won or competed as best as I can and learned how to win next time.

Yet, none of my hard work guarantees to lead to this community I long for. It becomes difficult to stay positive. I just turned 22 and I'm meant to be enjoying being young. Each birthday simply reminds me I'm closer to being pushed towards marriage. 

Whenever I hear a woman say the phrase: "I don't need feminism." A part of me bubbles up with anger. The reason this woman would feel that way, is because of the sacrifices and hard work the women of past generations made, for her. It's as if she is not acknowledging their hard work, and simply believing the world was fair of it's own accord. Someone fought for you, and may have lost their lives, despite having never even known you would come to exist.

Worse yet, is when they apply it to all womankind. We live in a world with a vast variety of economics, cultures and technological advancements. One part of the world would be sending rovers to other planets, another making break throughs in homosexual rights, while yet a third is still bickering on whether women should drive. 

Because of this variety, every movement of human rights is needed. Every corner of the globe has different issues. Feminism, is one of these human rights movements, beliefs and more that is needed in order to solve a variety of problems under gender inequality.

Over here in this wee part of the big wide world, some men and women 'choose' to be gay. Yes, I am actually using the word choose here, now before your get your panties in a knot let me finish. They did actually make a conscious decision to pursue a gay relationship, despite being straight! 

In order for this to make sense, first you have to understand that gender segregation is a thing here. Meaning educational institutes, public spaces, events and so on are segregated by gender. There is also the cultural scrutiny against men and women being friends, hanging out together and God forbid, forming romantic or sexual partnerships. 

So it's easy to feel lonely in terms of romance or sexual release. The solution some people go for is to form a relationship of convenience with someone of the same sex. As a guy, you have the ease of hanging out late at night with another guy and no questions will be asked. As a girl you can easily have your female friend over and none will be the wiser. But mix in opposite genders and it's mind wrecking to find a place to simply speak in peace. Heterosexual relationships or even male-female friendships over here highly resemble long distance dating or online friendships. 

I am not judging any person's decision if they go for a relationship of convenience, but here's the thing... Sometimes it's a mind game. Sometimes one of the partners is highly invested, and thinks it's a real relationship and they form connections. They do not know that the other party is actually... using them. So that's a case of straight girl/guy crush twisted into max level of pain, because you didn't realize that they're still straight till after you've been lead to believing that they are bisexual or straight.

I really did. in fact I left the gay part of me unexamined for a very long time. At 16, my first kiss was with a boy, and we didn't work out personality-wise. At 18, I fell deeply in love with a guy for the first time, but we both hurt each other. At 19, I once again tried with a man, but we had very opposing views. They were all nice guys, some more than others. It wasn't their fault intimacy felt strange to me. I never spoke of it because I preferred to stay ignorant to my own preferences. 

I never questioned why I loved sketching female figures, or why I felt this attraction the first time I saw a partially nude woman while flipping through TV channels. (I just remember it was a bond film, I don't know which one. i was too shy to find out) I remember at eight years old, my mother was warning me about the vile natures of men and how dangerous it is to pursue a non-culturally sanctioned relationship with a man. A thought crossed my mind: "Why not women?" 

I'm glad I had enough sense not to openly ask that question. I sometimes feel like an idiot for not having realized before. I know it doesn't work that way though. I also sometimes think I'd be happier if I fit in here, if I was like everyone else. If I hadn't faced reality and if I simply just kept trying with men... That's not how it works either.