I JUST FUCKING LOVE IT.

I JUST FUCKING LOVE CASINOS. HEY, GIRL, HEY, SORRY FOR THE RADIO SILENCE. I BET YOU THOUGHT I WAS A GONER, BUT HERE THE FUCK I AM, STILL GIVING LIFE TO AMERICA. CASINOS ARE FUCKING FUN, RIGHT? SURE, SOME PEOPLE THINK CASINOS JUST BRING RIFF RAFF INTO YOUR TOWN OR CAUSE URBAN BLIGHT OR ARE REALLY JUST ANOTHER VAMPIRE OF WEALTH AND OPPORTUNITY FOR POOR PEOPLE, AND ALL OF THAT MAY BE FUCKING TRUE, BUT SHIT, CASINOS ARE ALSO THE LOCATION OF ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT FUCKING MOVIES OF THE 20TH CENTURY, SHOWGIRLS! I FUCKING LOVE BEING IN A CASINO AND IMAGINING THAT NOMI MALONE IS RIGHT THE FUCK AROUND THE CORNER SOMEWHERE THROWING FRENCH FRIES ALL OVER THE GOD DAMNED PLACE AND HUMPING PEOPLE WHILE KICKING THEM. AMAZING. ALSO, SLOT MACHINES ARE A GOOD FUCKING TIME. THEY GIVE YOU BONUSES! FREE SPINS! YOU COULD WIN A FUCKING DOLLAR! OR TEN DOLLARS! FUCKING COOL. MY FAVORITE SLOT MACHINE IS THE FUCKING ALIENS SLOT MACHINE BECAUSE SIGOURNEY WEAVER IS A BIG FUCKING DEAL IN MY FUCKING FAMILY. WE LOVE HER! SHE FUCKING RULES AND SHE’S FUCKING TALL AND A GENIUS AND HAS GREAT HAIR AND SHE CAN SHAVE HER HAIR OFF AND IT GROWS BACK AND LOOKS FUCKING DEVASTATING. ANYWAY! THIS SLOT MACHINE HAS ALL KINDS OF FUCKING ALIENS THAT COME OUT OF EGGS THAT YOU FUCKING HAVE TO SELECT FROM A NEST OF FUCKING GROSS EGGS AND THEN YOU WIN A QUARTER! SIGOURNEY WEAVER ISN’T FEATURED IN THE SLOT MACHINE BECAUSE SHE WOULD NEVER STOOP TO SUCH LEVELS, BUT I LIKE TO IMAGINE SHE’S IN THERE, FIGHTING THE FUCKING ALIENS, TELLING PEOPLE/ALIENS TO GET AWAY FROM NEWT YOU BITCH, AND LEAVING PAUL REISER TO DIE SOMEWHERE, WHICH IS BASICALLY DOING GOD’S WORK. PLUS, IF THE CASINO YOU’RE AT ISN’T CHEAP-ASS, THEY COME AROUND WITH FREE FUCKING SODA! AND IF YOU’RE BRAVE, YOU CAN GO TO THE BUFFET AND SEE IF YOU’RE IMMUNE TO HEPATITIS A OR B! LUCK BE A FUCKING LADY TONIGHT MOTHER FUCKERS.

I JUST FUCKING LOVE BREAD. SOME OF YOU FUCKING PEOPLE ACT LIKE BREAD IS RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR OBESITY EPIDEMIC, BUT I THINK THAT'S BUNK. I THINK OBESITY IS CAUSED BY GOING TO CHURCH TO BE QUITE HONEST. CHURCH IS FUCKED, HUH? CHURCH PEOPLE LOVE SOME FUCKING BREAD, TOO, BUT THEY LIKE TO PRETEND IT'S JESUS' BODY AND THEY GOBBLE HIM THE FUCK UP! BYE JESUS! SEE YOU WHEN WE POOP! THERE'S NOTHING FUCKING WRONG WITH HAVING A NICE THICK SLICE OF FRESH-FUCKING-BAKED BREAD WITH SOME CHEESE OR SOME KIND OF CREAMY SPREAD! ALL OF THESE PEOPLE WHO FUCKING GIVE UP CARBS ARE CRAZY MOTHERFUCKING PSYCHOS. JUST EAT THE FUCKING BREAD, ASSHOLE, NO CARB LEFT BEHIND FOR FUCK'S SAKE! AND DON'T ACT LIKE YOU DON'T HOOVER ENTIRE BAGS OF POTATO CHIPS, DUMBBELL, A LITTLE FUCKING ENGLISH MUFFIN ISN'T GOING TO KILL YOU. SURE, GO AHEAD, DRINK ALL THE FUCKING BEER YOU WANT, BUT THEN ACT HOLIER THAN THOU ABOUT A PLATE OF FUCKING SPAGHETTI. WHAT-THE-FUCK-EVER BITCH YOU LOVE IT,YOU CRUSTY OLD LOAF!  

I JUST FUCKING LOVE SOCKS. THEY ARE AMAZING. I CAN’T THINK OF A SINGLE SITUATION THAT DOES NOT REQUIRE THE PRESENCE OF SOCKS. LONG ONES, FUCKING SHORT ONES, WHO GIVES A FUCK? OH MY GOD, JUST THINKING ABOUT A NICE, CRISP PAIR OF NEW MOTHERFUCKING SOCKS IS BLOWING M’MIND RIGHT NOW. SOCKS PROVIDE SUCH AN IMPORTANT AND AMAZING SERVICE TO US FUCKING PEOPLE. FIRST OF ALL, IF YOU HAVE SWEATY ASS FEET LIKE I DO, THEY ABSORB ALL YOUR FUCKING SWEAT, NO QUESTIONS ASKED. OTHERWISE THAT SWEAT TRICKLES DOWN LIKE REPUBLICAN MONETARY POLICY INTO THE FUCKING CESSPOOL OF BACTERIA INSIDE YOUR SHOES AND DOES THIS CRAZY FUCKING KARDASHIAN-LIKE BREEDING OF FILTH AND STENCH AND THEN NO ONE LIKES YOUR FUCKING ASS ANYMORE AND YOU BECOME AFRAID TO TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES AT PEOPLE’S HOUSES AND SHIT AND SOMETIMES PEOPLE CAN BE WEIRD ABOUT THAT FUCKING SHIT. LIKE “OH, PLEASE REMOVE YOUR FOOTWEAR SINCE IT TRACKS IN GERMS.” OH, OK WHATEVER, NOT LIKE I HAVEN’T GONE TO A PUBLIC BATHROOM AND SAW YOUR HUSBAND NOT WASH HIS FUCKING HANDS AFTER USING THE SHITTER, BUT I DIGRESS, BITCH. SOCKS MAKE ME FEEL SO COZY AND HAPPY. I WOULD WEAR THEM IN THE FUCKING SHOWER IF I COULD, BUT THEN IT FEELS LIKE YOU STEPPED IN A VAGINA PATCH, AND UNLESS YOU’RE A WEIRD GROSS SEX PIG, THAT’S AN UNWELCOME AND UNFAMILIAR FEELING. SOCKS PROTECT THE SHIT OUT OF YOUR FUCKING FEET, WHICH REMINDS ME OF LT. DAN FROM “FOREST GUMP”, WHO WAS OBSESSED WITH SOCKS AND GENERAL FOOTCARE. IF THERE WERE NO SOCKS ON THIS FUCKING PLANET I WOULD PRAY FOR IT TO GET NUKED BY ROBOTS, OR I WOULD BUY SOME FUCKING T SHIRTS FOR INFANTS AND WRAP THEM AROUND MY FEET. LOOK AT THAT! SOCKS! CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW FUCKING RICH MR. SOCK, THE INVENTOR OF SOCKS, MUST BE BY NOW? JESUS! AND WHERE WOULD FLEA, BASSIST OF THE RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS, BE WITHOUT THE INNOVATIONS OF MR. SOCK? PROBABLY IN  FUCKING JAIL FOR EVEN MORE ACTS OF INDECENT EXPOSURE! SPEAKING OF WHICH, SOCK PUPPETS ARE RAPE, YOU FUCKING SICK FUCKS. JUST LEAVE THOSE FUCKING SOCKS ALONE, OR WEAR THEM, BUT STOP PERSONIFYING THEM AND THEN FISTING THEM LIKE A PARTY IN PROVINCETOWN, RAPISTS. JUST LET SOCKS LOVE YOUR FEET DOWN AND PROTECT YOUR SENSITIVE FUCKING HEEL SKIN FROM CHAFING THE FUCK OFF, HUH? JESUS.

I JUST FUCKING LOVE POTATOES. WHEN GOD WAS CREATING THE FUCKING EARTH BACK IN THE DAY, HE WAS PROBABLY LIKE, "JESUS CHRIST I NEED A FUCKING SNACK. TOO BAD I HAVE TO WAIT LIKE 3.5 BILLION YEARS FOR DUNKAROOS OR DORITOS TO BE INVENTED." AND THEN, BAM! HE CREATED THE STARCHY DELICIOUS OBLONGS KNOWN AS POTATOES AND SHOVED THEM INTO THE GROUND FOR SAFE KEEPING. LUCKILY FOR US, HE FUCKING FORGOT ABOUT THEM SO NOW THEY ARE ALL OURS! FINDERS KEEPERS, GOD, SO BACK THE FUCK OFF! NOW, WE HAVE POTATOES IN ALL DIFFERENT SHAPES AND SIZES AND EVEN THE INSTANT VARIETY. I FUCKING LOVE TO CURL UP WITH A BOWL OF IDAHOAN AND WATCH TRASH TV LIKE "BRIDALPLASTY" OR SOME OTHER BULLSHIT FROM OUR DEBASED SOCIETY. IDAHOAN IS THE REAL FUCKING HOOK UP, GOD DAMN IT. JUST TWO CUPS OF COLD WATER, 5 MINUTES IN THE NUKE-PIECE, AND THEN YOU GET TO PLAY GOD--BAM! INSTANT MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES. SINCE I'M IRISH, I HAVE A SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP WITH POTATOES BECAUSE OF THE FAMINE THAT ALMOST WIPED MY PEOPLE OUT. SOMETIMES ASSHOLES SAY BULLSHIT TO ME LIKE, "HEY WHY DIDN'T THOSE LAZY IRISH PEOPLE FISH WHEN THE FAMINE HIT, HUH?" AND I ALWAYS WANT TO SHANK THEM BECAUSE THAT IS SOME RACIST BULLSHIT AND IT OBVIOUSLY INDICATES THAT THESE FUCKING PEOPLE DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW AWESOME POTATOES ARE. WHY WOULD I FUCKING FISH WHEN I CAN HAVE A GOD DAMNED POTATO, HUH, ASSHOLE? WHAT DISH IS NOT IMPROVED UPON WHEN A FUCKING POTATO COMES TO THE PARTY, HUH? NAME ONE. I WILL WAIT WHILE YOU THINK OF ONE. SEE? YOU CAN'T. FUCK YOU. ANYWAY, POTATOES FUCKING RULE. THEY HAVE BEEN USED IN GUNS, TOYS, FOOD, AND BEVERAGES FOR LIKE A BAZILLION YEARS. I UNDERSTAND THAT SOME PEOPLE LIKE DAN QUAYLE MIGHT NOT LIKE POTATOES, BUT WHATEVER, HE SUCKS ANYWAY. ONE TIME WHEN I WAS A KID I THREW A POTATO AT MY SISTER FOR HAVING THE NERVE TO TURN DOWN MY STEREO WHEN IT WAS BLARING "IF" BY JANET JACKSON AND SHE FELL TO THE GROUND SCREAMING IN PAIN. TAUGHT HER A FUCKING LESSON, I DID. DON'T TEST ME! HOPEFULLY GOD WON'T FUCKING FIGURE OUT THAT HE LEFT HIS STASH OF POTATOES HERE ON EARTH BECAUSE I AM *NOT* FUCKING GIVING THEM BACK. HE'S GOD! WHAT THE FUCK DOES HE NEED POTATOES FOR? DUNKAROOS FUCKING EXIST NOW, ANYWAY, SO HE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE AN EXCUSE! DON'T TAKE THAT SHIT FROM GOD, PEOPLE. HE NEEDS TO FUCKING SLOW HIS ROLL. HE CAN HAVE SOME IDAHOAN IF HE ASKS ME NICELY, BUT I GET TO CONTROL THE REMOTE FOR THE TV. HE'LL HAVE TO WATCH "HOARDERS--BURIED ALIVE" OR "STYLE BY JURY" IF HE WANTS SOME BAM!-POTATOES FROM ME, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE. I DON'T FUCKING PLAY.

I JUST FUCKING LOVE KARAOKE. DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT, IT'S FUCKING AWESOME, OK? THE PERSON WHO CAME UP WITH KARAOKE DESERVES A FUCKING NOBEL PRIZE, GOD DAMN IT. KARAOKE HAS BEEN KEEPING OUR DIVE BARS AFLOAT SINCE WHO THE FUCK KNOWS WHEN, AND IF YOU'RE A FUCKING LUSH LIKE MOST OF MY FRIENDS, THAT'S A PRETTY AWESOME DEAL THERE. KARAOKE IS LIKE SINGING IN THE CAR, WHICH YOU FUCKING AMAZING BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE SENT FROM HEAVEN KNOW I FUCKING LOVE THE SHIT OUT OF, BUT IT TAKES SOME REAL TITANIUM BALLS OR BRASS LADY BUSINESS TO GET UP IN FRONT OF A BUNCH OF DRUNK TOWNIES AND SING "LOVE CHILD" LIKE YOU FUCKING MEAN IT. YOU ARE THAT LOVE CHILD, GOD DAMN IT, BUT YOU WERE MEANT TO BE--MEANT TO BE FUCKING BELTING THAT SHIT OUT OVER A PASSABLE INSTRUMENTAL "IN THE STYLE OF DIANA FUCKING ROSS"! DIANA ROSS TOTALLY HAS TWO LAZY EYES, I SWEAR TO GOD. JUST LOOK AT HER, SOMETIMES! SHE HAS LAZY EYES OR DOES TOO MUCH FUCKING COKE, BUT NO JUDGMENT! AND, SOMETIMES THAT LAZY EYE THING CAN BE FUCKING SEDUCTIVE, OK? I MEAN, REALLY, IT'S LIKE PEOPLE WITH LAZY EYES ARE SEEING A WORLD THE REST OF US HAVE NO FUCKING PERCEPTION OF, WHICH TOTALLY MEANS THEY SHOULD JOIN THE PSYCHIC FRIENDS NETWORK. ALSO, PEOPLE WITH LAZY EYES TOTALLY GOT FUCKING MADE FUN OF LIKE THERE'S NO TOMORROW IN GRADE SCHOOL, WHICH IS TOTALLY FUCKING RUDE BECAUSE THEY CAN'T FUCKING HELP IT! DO YOU FUCKING THINK THEY JUST SAY TO THEMSELVES "OK, LEFT EYE, YOU GO DOWN THE RIVER AND GET BACK TO ME LATER ON." NO, THEY FUCKING DON'T, AND THEN SOME ASSHOLE KID WHOSE PARENTS DIDN'T LOVE HIM SAYS, "HEY GOOGLEY EYES, WHATCHA LOOKIN' AT?" WHATEVER, THAT KID IS AN ASSHOLE AND MAKES EVERYONE'S LIFE MISERABLE BECAUSE HIS PARENTS DIDN'T BUY HIM ANY CHRISTMAS PRESENTS BECAUSE THEY SPENT ALL THEIR MONEY ON SCRATCH TICKETS AND METH! ANYWAY, KARAOKE FUCKING KILLS IT EVERY NIGHT OF THE WEEK. YOU GO INTO A FUCKING AWESOME BAR THAT HAS THOSE VIDEO SLOT MACHINES AND SMELLS LIKE THE PORN SECTION OF YOUR HOMETOWN VIDEO STORE AND IN THE CORNER OF THE ROOM IS AN AWESOME DUDE WHO BROUGHT YOU ALL YOUR FAVE INSTRUMENTALS TO MAKE INTO FUCKING PROFOUND LYRICAL POETRY, WITH A VIDEO PROMPTER IN CASE YOU FUCK UP. THIS IS YOUR FUCKING NIGHT. YOU GET TO CHOOSE A SONG IN THE BIG FUCKING TRAPPER KEEPER BINDER THING AND FOR THAT MOMENT IT'S LIKE YOU'RE A REAL RECORDING ARTIST, JUST DROPPING INTO YOUR FUCKING LOCAL WATERING HOLE TO SERENADE THE GOD DAMNED MASSES. AND IF YOU DO KARAOKE, YOU FUCKING RESPECT PEOPLE WHO GET THEIR FUCKING TALENTLESS ASSES UP THERE AND BELCH THEIR WAY THROUGH "PROUD MARY", OR BRING THEIR WEIRD HUSBAND ONSTAGE TO SING "LEATHER AND LACE" WITH SOME INAPPROPRIATE TOUCHING. YOU RESPECT THAT SHIT BECAUSE IT TAKES REAL FUCKING COURAGE TO SOUND HORRIBLE AND OWN THAT FUCKING SHIT. THAT'S WHY I ALWAYS FUCKING CHEER PEOPLE ON OVER-VIGOROUSLY BECAUSE THEY FUCKING NEED TO KNOW THEY TOUCHED MY SOUL WITH THEIR RENDITION OF "GYPSIES, TRAMPS, AND THIEVES". THERE IS NO FUCKING BAD KARAOKE, PEOPLE, EXCEPT IF YOU SING "CLOSING TIME", "BITTERSWEET SYMPHONY", "THE DEVIL WENT DOWN TO GEORGIA", OR ANYTHING BY JACK JOHNSON OR DAVE MATTHEWS. I WILL FUCKING SHANK YOU. OTHER THAN THAT, FUCKING TAKE ME ON YOUR PERSONAL JOURNEY THROUGH "BECAUSE OF YOU" BY GORGEOUS KELLY CLARKSON, OR GET US ALL WORKED UP WITH "FREAK ME" BY SILK. JUST USE A CONDOM, THOUGH, PLEASE. SAFETY FUCKING FIRST!   

I JUST FUCKING LOVE DIET PEPSI. I MEAN, I'LL PRETTY MUCH DRINK THE FUCK OUT OF ALL DIET SODA THAT IS ON SALE, BUT DIET PEPSI IS REALLY MY FUCKING JAM. GET IN THERE, PEOPLE! WHAT IS MORE REFRESHING THAN THE FUCKING CRISP COOL KISS OF DIET PEP, DEEP-TONGUING YOUR PINK ESOPHAGUS? NOTHING, THAT'S THE FUCK WHAT, OK? I KNOW THERE ARE A TON OF FUCKING PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO LOVE TO RAIN ON MY DIET SODA PARADE, BUT WHAT THE FUCK EVER OK? SO YEAH, I'LL PROBABLY GET STOMACH CANCER AND GROW AN EXTRA ARM, BUT WHO GIVES A SHIT, RIGHT? ASK ME TO HOLD SHIT FOR YOU, I DON'T KNOW! SOME OF YOU FUCKING PEOPLE SMOKE OR SMOKE CRACK OR YOU'RE FAT OR YOU HAVE SEX WITH PEOPLE FROM CRAIGSLIST AND I CAN GUARAN-FUCKING-TEE THAT ALL THAT SHIT CAN GIVE YOU CANCER, TOO. THIS IS MY ONE FUCKING THING THAT I LIKE TO DO THAT MIGHT KILL ME, OK? SOME OF YOU HAVE FUCKING FIVE THINGS THAT ARE GOING TO KILL YOU AND I DON'T JUDGE YOUR FUCKING CHOICES! WELL, NO, I DO AND I TALK ABOUT IT WHENEVER YOU LEAVE THE FUCKING ROOM TO HIT THE PIPE OR CHECK YOUR MISSED CONNECTIONS ON CRAIGSLIST, BUT NO BIG DEAL! IT'S NOT LIKE I'M LEAVING PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE FUCKING NOTES ON YOUR COMPUTER OR CRACK PIPE SAYING, "YEAH, UMMMM, I DUNNO IF THAT'S THE HEALTHIEST THING, YOU KNOW?" SO IF I WANT MY BLOOD SUPPLY TO BE MADE UP OF MOSTLY FUCKING ASPARTAME AND CARAMEL COLOR, SO FUCKING BE IT, OK? NOW THAT WE'VE GOTTEN THAT SHIT OUT OF THE FUCKING WAY, LET ME JUST SAY THIS: DIET PEPSI IS ONE OF GOD'S BEST FUCKING CREATIONS. JOAN CRAWFORD USED TO BE ON THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS! SHE BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THOSE RICH SODA PIGS! I WISH FUCKING FAYE DUNAWAY WOULD JUST DRESS UP AS FUCKING JOAN CRAWFORD ALL THE DAMN TIME. CAN YOU FUCKING BELIEVE THAT SHE DOESN'T LIKE TO TALK ABOUT BEING IN THAT FUCKING MOVIE? SHE SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN AN OSCAR. HER FACE LOOKED LIKE IT WAS TRYING TO LEAP OFF HER SKELETON WHEN SHE SCREAMS AT HER POOR HUSBAND, "WE HAVE TO LOOK (FUCKING) GREAT FOR PEPSI COLA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" AND YOU KNOW WHAT? SHE DID, GOD DAMN IT. SHE FUCKING DID LOOK GREAT, OK? PROBABLY BECAUSE SHE DRANK HER FUCKING WEIGHT IN DIET PEP EVERY DAY! SO WHAT IF IT WAS FUCKING MIXED WITH WHISKEY, SO WHAT? LET HER FUCKING HAVE THAT FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, CRAIGSLIST SLUTS! ANYWAY, DIET PEPSI SHOULD FUCKING SPONSOR ME, SINCE I AM SINGLE HANDEDLY KEEPING THAT COMPANY AFLOAT WITH THE GOD DAMNED AMOUNT OF DP I DRINK AROUND THE CLOCK. EVERYONE IS ALWAYS LIKE, "OH, DON'T YOU WANT SOME WATER?" AND I ALWAYS REPLY, "YES, DO YOU HAVE SOME FUCKING ASPARTAME AND CARAMEL COLOR TO DUNK IN THAT FUCKING WATER?" THEN THEY JUST LOOK AT ME LIKE I FUCKING PEED ON SALLY STRUTHERS WHILE SHE'S TRYING TO SAVE SOME STARVING BIAFRANS OR SOME SHIT. WHATEVER, WATER PUSHERS! YOU'LL PROBABLY END UP GETTING FLESH EATING BACTERIA FROM THAT SHIT! THAT KILLS A LOT FUCKING FASTER THAN CANCER, OK? SERIOUSLY, THOUGH, HATS OFF TO THAT FUCKING AMAZING TROOPER OF A GIRL WHO LOST HER ENTIRE BODY TO FLESH EATING BACTERIA. SHE WON'T TAKE PAIN MEDS! SHE'S FUCKING HARDCORE! I'M POURING OUT A COLD DIET PEP FOR YOU, SISTER. GET BETTER!

I JUST FUCKING LOVE STAR TREK. DON'T FUCKING LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT, STAR TREK IS FUCKING AWESOME! FIRST OF FUCKING ALL IT'S THE GOD DAMN FUTURE, OK? THE FUTURE IS THE BEST. IT HASN'T EVEN FUCKING HAPPENED YET! GOD! ANYWAY, STAR TREK IS THE OPTIMISTIC VIEW OF THE FUTURE IN WHICH WE TRAIPSE AROUND THE GALAXY, ENCOUNTERING NEW AND FUCKING EXCITING ALIENS WITH WEIRD HEAD FORMATIONS OR GROWTHS OR BRAILLE OR WHATEVER THE FUCK. AND THEN WE FUCKING SAVE HUMANITY FROM DESTRUCTION A MILLION FUCKING TIMES WHILE ANDROIDS OR VULCANS OR SEXY CAT-SUIT CYBORGS LAUGH AT "US HUMANS" FOR BEING SO IMPULSIVE AND SENTIMENTAL. THAT SOUNDS LIKE A PRETTY FUCKING SWEET DEAL TO ME! NOT LIKE IN THE STAR WARS VERSION OF THE FUTURE IN WHICH FUCKING BROTHERS MAKE OUT WITH SISTERS, FATHERS WEAR PENISES FOR HELMETS, EVERYBODY GETS THEIR FUCKING ARMS CUT THE CHRIST OFF AT LEAST ONCE IN THEIR GOD DAMNED LIVES, AND SPACE STATIONS SHOOT LASERS OUT OF THEIR BUTTHOLES AND FUCKING DESTROY ENTIRE PLANETS! IT ALSO SOUNDS BETTER THAN THE FUCKING ALIENS/ELLEN RIPLEY FUTURE IN WHICH WE'RE ALL WAGE SLAVES AND POTENTIAL FUCKING HOSTS FOR ASSHOLE ALIENS WHOSE BABY FETUSES LOOK LIKE ANGRY COCKS! I DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN THOSE FUCKING FUTURES, GOD DAMN IT! NO THANKS! I'LL TAKE THE POVERTY/WAR-FREE FUTURE THAT LETS ME WALK OVER TO A LITTLE MAGIC WINDOW THAT POURS ME A FUCKING DIET PEPSI WHEN I ASK FOR IT. AND YEAH WHATEVER, NOT ALL THE STAR TREKS WERE GOOD. DON'T EVEN FUCKING TALK TO ME ABOUT THE ONE WITH THE GUY FROM QUANTUM LEAP. I KEPT WATCHING THAT STUPID STAR TREK SPIN OFF, SCREAMING AT THE FUCKING TV, "WHERE THE CHRIST IS AL, YOU FUCKING MORON? FIND AL AND TELL HIM TO FUCKING FINGER THE SHIT OUT OF ZIGGY SO YOU CAN LEAP THE FUCK OUT OF THIS NIGHTMARE." BUT THAT SON OF A BITCH NEVER FUCKING FOUND AL. WHATEVER, LET'S JUST ACT LIKE THAT SHIT DIDN'T HAPPEN. THAT'S WHAT I DO WHEN I DON'T LIKE SOME SHIT. OH, WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT? I DON'T KNOW, IT DIDN'T EVEN EXIST. ANYWAY, YEAH, SO STAR TREK IS ALSO THE ONLY FUCKING TELEVISION SHOW ABOUT THE FUTURE THAT PREDICTS THE FUCKING FUTURE, TOO. STAY WITH ME NOW, GOD DAMN IT. SO BACK WHEN THEY WERE DOING STAR TREK DEEP SPACE NINE, EVERYONE WAS WONDERING IF AMERICA CAN "ACCEPT A BLACK CAPTAIN" OF A STAR TREK SHOW. AND THEN AVERY FUCKING BROOKS CAME ON THAT SCREEN AND EVERYONE WAS LIKE, OK, YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT, THIS FUCKING GUY HAS THIS SHIT FUCKING COVERED. GET IN THAT WORMHOLE, AVERY, YOU BETTER FUCKING DO IT! AND THEN AFTER THAT WE HAD CAPTAIN FUCKING JANEWAY-MULGREW, A FUCKING WOMAN CAPTAIN, AND AT FIRST, PEOPLE WERE LIKE, OH SHIT WHAT IF SHE HAS HER FUCKING PERIOD IN SPACE, WHAT HAPPENS THEN? AND KATHY MULGREW JUST WALKED RIGHT IN AND FUCKING MADE OUR MILLENNIUM WITH HER HUSKY VOICE AND RAPIDLY CHANGING HAIRDO. FUCK YEAH. THAT'S WHY I KNEW BARACK OBAMA WAS GOING TO BE PRESIDENT BACK IN 2008. BARACK OBAMA IS THE CAPTAIN OF DEEP SPACE NINE, GOD DAMN IT, AND HILLARY CLINTON IS THE QUEEN OF VOYAGER. WHEN PEOPLE DIDN'T KNOW WHO WAS GOING TO WIN THE FUCKING DEMOCRAT NOM, I SAID, "NO, PEOPLE, CAPTAIN BARACK OBAMA SISKO IS FIRST AND THEN CAPTAIN HILLARY K. JANEWAY TAKES THE BIG CHAIR, OK, SO JUST HOLD YOUR FUCKING HORSES." IS THIS SHIT MAKING EVEN A TINY BIT OF SENSE TO YOU? WHO THE FUCK CARES, LET'S JUST FUCKING RESIST THE BORG UNTIL OUR EYES BLEED AND GET RAPED IN THE MIND WITH DEANNA TROI WHILE EATING KRAFT EASY MAC. THAT'S FUCKING FINE WITH ME, TOO.

HI. THANKS FOR THE FUCKING SUGGESTION. I DO FUCKING LOVE A GOOD BEARD. SO DOES JOHN TRAVOLTA! HEY-O! OH, THAT WAS RUDE. HE CAN'T HELP BEING A FUCKING INSATIABLE SAUNA/ MASSAGE PARLOR SLUT! SERIOUSLY, THOUGH, EVERYBODY WHO FUCKING RULES HAS A GOOD-ASS BEARD LIKE YOU, GOD, AND ROSEANNE BARR.

I JUST FUCKING LOVE HOTEL ROOMS. WHAT LUXURY, HUH? HOTELS ARE A FUCKING AWESOME IDEA. THANK YOU TO WHOEVER THOUGHT OF RENTING OUT ROOMS ON A NIGHTLY BASIS. OR SHOULD THAT BE "WHOMEVER"? I DON'T FUCKING KNOW BECAUSE I WENT TO PUBLIC HIGH SCHOOL. WHAT THE FUCK EVER, KID! ANYWAY, I JUST LOVE TO FUCKING STAY IN A HOTEL WHENEVER POSSIBLE. IT'S SO SEXY AND SENSUAL; I LIKE TO IMAGINE I'M A FUCKING SEXY ASSASSIN OR CIA OPERATIVE ON A MISSION FOR FUCKING JUSTICE OR SOME SHIT. WHO AM I? WHO IS THAT GRACEFUL, YET SEDUCTIVE CHARACTER IN ROOM 321? WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO KNOW, MOTHERFUCKER? WELL, TOO BAD, I SIGNED IN UNDER A PSEUDONYM! NOW YOU'LL NEVER FUCKING KNOW! NOW, PLEASE EXCUSE THE FUCK OUT OF ME WHILE I ACQUIRE MY TARGET THROUGH THIS WINDOW, JUST LIKE BRIDGET FONDA IN "POINT OF NO RETURN". THAT WAS A FUCKING AWESOME MOVIE. I LOVE WHEN SHE FUCKING JUST PUTS ON THOSE RED THIGH-HIGH BOOTS AND SAYS, "I CAN DO IT, I CAN FINISH THIS JOB!!" YEAH, YOU FUCKING CAN, BRIDGE. SHE WANTED OUT! SHE WAS FUCKING THROUGH, GOD DAMN IT! WELL, I'M NOT THROUGH WITH FUCKING LOVING HOTELS. I LOVE TO SLIP INTO A LUXURIOUS KING BED AND WATCH SHITTY CABLE SHOWS AND STEAL EXTRA SERVINGS OF FRUIT AND PASTRY FROM THE FREE FUCKING CONTINENTAL BREAKFAST. AND! PEOPLE FUCKING COME IN AND CLEAN YOUR SHIT UP WHEN YOU GO OUT SIGHTSEEING OR ON ERRANDS AND SHIT! IT'S LIKE LIVING AT HOME, BUT WITHOUT THE GUILT OF BEING OVER 25 AND LIVING THE FUCK AT YOUR PARENT'S PLACE! ALSO! CHECK THIS OUT! YOU'RE NOT PAYING FOR FUCKING WATER, SO TAKE A FUCKING HOLLYWOOD SHOWER FOR CHRIST SAKE! TREAT YOURSELF RIGHT! REMEMBER THAT BOARD GAME, HOTELS? THAT WAS FUCKING SO FUN. WHO DOESN'T WANT TO BUY A CARDBOARD BUILDING AND IMAGINE ALL THE SWANKY GUESTS THAT ARE STAYING THERE IN FUR FUCKING COATS AND ARMANI TUXES! CHARGE THE FUCK OUT OF THOSE PEOPLE, THEY'RE GOOD FOR IT! REMEMBER THAT FUCKING TV SHOW, "HOTELS"? WELL, YEAH, I DON'T EITHER BECAUSE I'M TOO YOUNG FOR THAT SHIT BUT THE OLDIES I TALK TO TELL ME IT WAS FUCKING PRIMO. ENDLESS OPPORTUNITIES FOR STORIES SINCE PEOPLE FUCKING CHECK THE HELL OUT ALL THE TIME. ALSO, I LOVE HAUNTED HOTELS, TOO. THAT'S SOME FREE FUCKING ENTERTAINMENT PEOPLE, STOP BEING A FUCKING BABY. SO WHAT IF YOU'RE SEEING VISIONS OF SOME CHOPPED UP TWINS AND SOME FUCKING GRODY NAKED WOMAN WITH FLESH EATING BACTERIA WANTS TO HAVE SOME SEXY MAKE OUT "DO NOT DISTURB/NO MOLESTAR" TIME WITH YOU. SHE'S JUST BEING FRIENDLY! GOD! I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE A HOTEL ALL TO MYSELF OR WITH SHELLY DUVALL. SHE'S SO CUTE. WELL, NOT REALLY IN THE FACE, BUT SHE CAN'T HELP THAT! SHE'S A FUCKING NATIONAL TREASURE. I JUST WANT AN EMPTY FUCKING HOTEL AND A KING BED WITH FUCKING SHELLY DUVALL ACTING OUT SOME GOD DAMNED FAIRY TALES OR "MOTHER GOOSE ROCK N RHYME" FOR CHRIST'S SAKE. WHAT A FUCKING DREAM.

I JUST FUCKING LOVE GROCERY STORES. WHENEVER I GO TO A NEW CITY OR STATE I NEED TO IMMEDIATELY GO TO THE FUCKING GROCERY STORE SO I CAN FUCKING SEE WHERE THESE PEOPLE SHOP FOR THEIR SHIT. I'M FOR REAL! GROCERY STORES ARE SO GOD DAMNED AMAZING. IF YOU WERE A TOTAL DEADBEAT, YOU COULD PRACTICALLY HAVE A FUCKING MEAL AT THE GROCERY STORE WITHOUT PAYING SHIT FOR IT! JUST STROLL THE FUCK ON DOWN TO THE DELI COUNTER AND TELL THAT WEIRD GUY WITH THE FACIAL CYST THAT YOU'D LIKE A SAMPLE OF SOME ROAST BEEF. HE WASHED HIS HANDS, DON'T WORRY, ASSHOLE! THEN WALK DOWN TO THE BAKERY AND ASK THEM FOR THE COOKIE OF THE MONTH AND IF THEY ARGUE JUST SAY IT'S FOR YOUR FUCKING SHIT-ASS KID AND HE'LL BLOW THE PLACE UP IF HE DOESN'T GET THAT FUCKING GOD DAMNED COOKIE. GUARANTEED BAKED GOODS IF YOU USE THAT GEM. WORKS EVERY TIME. ANYWAY, THEN IF YOU ARE REALLY DARING WITH YOUR SHIT, YOU CAN JUST EAT SOME RAW FRUITS AND VEGETABLES, BUT DON'T FILL UP ON THE CRUDITE TRAY AND THEN GET TAKEN SHORT LIKE THOSE KIDS IN "LORD OF THE FLIES". THEY FUCKIN' SHIT THEMSELVES! THEN, IF YOUR FAT ASS IS STILL FEELING PECKISH, LOOK FOR SOME FREE SAMPLE LADIES, BUT BRING A DISGUISE SO YOU CAN GET MORE THAN ONE. AND, LASTLY, IF YOU'RE DESPERATE, YOU CAN MUNCH ON SOME BULK CANDY OR NUTS THAT THEY HAVE IN THOSE ATTRACTIVE PLASTIC CONTAINERS. THERE'S A SIGN BY THE BAGS THAT SAYS "NO SAMPLING", BUT THEY DON'T MEAN YOU. THEY'RE JUST TRYING TO KEEP OLD PEOPLE FROM CONVERGING ON THAT AISLE EN MASSE WITH THEIR FUCKING POWER SCOOTERS. THEY LOVE A BARGAIN! OR STEALING, WHICHEVER YOU'LL LET THEM GET AWAY WITH. REMEMBER THAT FUCKING SHOW, "SUPERMARKET SWEEP"? THAT SHOW SHOULD HAVE BEEN CALLED "SHOPLIFTING BABY FORMULA AND TURKEYS" BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT EVERYONE WENT FOR SINCE THEY COST SO MUCH. GOD, BABIES ARE FUCKING EXPENSIVE, HUH? AND THEY SHIT EVERYWHERE AND THEN BLAME YOUR ASS FOR EVERYTHING LATER ON WHEN YOU WERE JUST TRYING TO KEEP THEIR FUCKING UGLY, UNGRATEFUL ASSES ALIVE AND NOT KIDNAPPED BY PEDOPHILES OR MARTIN SHORT! NO WONDER MY MOTHER TRIED TO LEAVE MY FUCKING ASS IN THE GROCERY STORE, LIKE, EVERY TIME WE WERE THERE. SHE'D ACT LIKE SHE DIDN'T KNOW ME AND THEN LAUGH AND LAUGH WHILE I SCREAMED, "YOU KNOW ME, MA! YOU KNOWWWW MEEEEE!" I CANNOT WAIT TO PUT HER FUCKING ASS IN A HOME. NO SCOOTER FOR THAT BITCH, THOUGH; I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE TO BAIL HER ASS OUT OF THE CLINK FOR STEALING BIT O' HONEYS AND NON-PERILS! DOUBLE COUPON!

HI, THANKS FOR GETTING-THE-FUCK IN TOUCH. I AM NOT DEXTER'S FUCKING SISTER BUT SHE SOUNDS LIKE SHE WOULD FUCKING LOVE TO TALK ABOUT FUCKING AWESOME STUFF WITH ME. DO YOU HAVE HER FUCKING NUMBER? THE ACTRESS, I MEAN, NOT THE CHARACTER, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE. AND, GOD DAMN IT, DON'T LIE ABOUT IT AND GIVE ME A FAKE NUMBER, I KNOW 555 IS A FUCKING IMAGINARY AREA CODE FOR TV.

I JUST FUCKING LOVE GAY MARRIAGE. OR SAME-SEX MARRIAGE. OR WHATEVER YOU WANT TO CALL IT. I MEAN, JESUS, LOOK AT THAT FUCKING CAKE?! IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL! I MEAN, OK, SO, ONE OF THE GIRLS IN THE LESBIAN COUPLE SHOULD BE IN A TASTEFUL FEMININE TUXEDO INSTEAD OF A DRESS, AND ONE OF THE MEN IN THE GAY GUY COUPLE SHOULD BE A BEAR, BUT OTHER THAN THAT, IT'S TOTALLY FUCKING FINE! WELL, EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT BOTH OF THE WOMEN IN THE LEZ COUPLE HAVE LONG HAIR; THAT SHIT IS NOT OK. TWO LONG-HAIRED LESBIANS CANNOT FUCKING BE TOGETHER. I MEAN, THEY CAN BOTH HAVE SHORT HAIR WHEN THEY'RE OLDER BECAUSE WHAT FUCKING WOMAN HAS TIME FOR LONG HAIR IN HER 60'S? NO-FUCKING-BODY, BUT STILL, AT LEAST WHEN THEY'RE BOTH 60, ONE OF THEM SHOULD LOOK LIKE THEY USED TO HAVE LONG HAIR, YOU KNOW? DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT, MY BEST FRIEND IS A LEZ AND SHE TOLD ME THAT THOSE ARE THE FUCKING RULES OF LEZDOM! ONE SHORT-HAIR AND ONE LONG-HAIR! AND THOSE TWO GUYS BETTER NOT BE VERSATILE BECAUSE THAT'S AGAINST GOD'S FUCKING GOD DAMNED LAW. ONE OF THEM MUST BE A TOP AND THE OTHER HAS TO BE A BOTTOM OR BABY JESUS WILL PROJECTILE FART CHINESE STARS AT THE MEEK, WHO WILL MOST CERTAINLY NOT BE INHERITING THE EARTH. ONE OF THOSE GAY GUYS NEEDS TO BE SLIGHTLY MORE FEMININE THAN THE OTHER, OR NO DICE. SERIOUSLY! OR EVERYBODY'S GOING TO HELL FOR REAL, OK? ALL JOKING ASIDE, WHAT IS SO FUCKING HARD TO DEAL WITH ABOUT TWO GOD DAMNED PEOPLE, WHO ARE LEGAL ADULTS AND NOT BLOOD RELATED, AND IN FUCKING LOVE, GETTING FUCKING MARRIED? ARE YOU A HOMO? NO? WELL, THEN DON'T MARRY A FUCKING GAY GUY, SHITBIRD! HEY GIRL, ARE YOU A LEZ? NO? WELL, THEN STOP MAKING OUT WITH YOUR SORORITY SISTERS AT PARTIES! JUST KIDDING, I KNOW YOU NEED MONEY. OH MY GOD, LISTEN TO ME! THAT WAS SO RUDE! ALMOST AS RUDE AS VOTING ON SOMEONE ELSE'S CIVIL FUCKING RIGHTS! IF YOU ARE NOT GAY THEN YOU PROBABLY WON'T BE INVOLVED IN A GAY FUCKING MARRIAGE ANYTIME SOON. GUESS WHAT-THE-FUCK ELSE? IF YOU'RE HETEROSEXUAL, GAY MARRIAGE IS NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS, SO STOP BEING A FUCKING BUSY BODY NOSY PARKER. AND STOP TELLING ME THAT YOU'RE AFRAID THAT FUCKING SCHOOL TEACHERS WILL TEACH YOUR KIDS ABOUT GAY PEOPLE AND THAT'S WHY GAY MARRIAGE IS WRONG, ASSHOLES. WANNA KNOW WHAT? THEY READ FAIRY TALES ABOUT GIRLS GETTING MARRIED TO GUYS TO EVERY FUCKING KID IN EVERY FUCKING KINDERGARTEN AND STILL, AT LEAST 1 OUT OF 10 OF THOSE KIDS TURNS OUT TO BE GAY OR LEZ OR SOME MIXTURE OF BOTH. I THINK THEY CALL THEM GLAZE. OR BISEXUAL. I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T HAVE FUCKING TIME. ANYWAY. CUT THE SHIT, AMERICA, AND STOP BEING SO FUCKING STUPID. TOM CRUISE IS HERE AND HE'S QUEER AND FRANKLY, I'M SORT OF FUCKING USED TO IT RIGHT NOW, SO WHY DON'T YOU GET WITH THE FUCKING PROGRAM AND GET USED TO THE AMAZING GAYS AND LESBIANS AND GLAZEBIAN/BISEXUALIANS AND CAKES WITH TWO PEOPLE OF THE SAME FUCKING GENDER ON THEM. GOD, IT'S CAKE, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE! ISN'T EATING CAKE, LIKE, ONE OF YOUR MAIN FUNCTIONS, YOU FAT CHURCH PEOPLE? JUST KIDDING. OBESITY IS REALLY FUCKED UP.

I JUST FUCKING LOVE DRUNK PEOPLE. TO BE MORE SPECIFIC, FUNNY AND AMAZING DRUNK PEOPLE. THEY HAVE THIS "GO GET 'EM" ATTITUDE THAT I REALLY FIND INSPIRING, ESPECIALLY SINCE THEIR "GO GET 'EM"-NESS IS REALLY FOCUSED ON GETTING COMPLETELY FUCKING OBLITERATED AND THEN TRYING TO DO THEIR TAXES. THEY'RE RESPONSIBLE! MY MOTHER TURNED INTO THE BIGGEST FUCKING BOOZE HOUND AFTER MY SISTER AND I MOVED OUT OF THE HOUSE. NOW, SHE DRINKS A BOTTLE OF HOUSE-FUCKING-CHARDONNAY ON WEEKNIGHTS AND WATCHES RERUNS OF "MEERKAT MANOR". THEN SHE DRUNK-DIALS ME TO TELL ME SHE FUCKING LOVES ME AND THAT SHE'S SO HAPPY GOD SENT ME TO BE HER FUCKING SON AND ALL OF THAT SHIT. THEN SHE SAYS, "HONEY, SEND ME THAT 'I JUST LIKE THIS SHIT A LOT' BLOG THAT YOU WRITE. I WANNA SHOW IT TO MY GIRLFRIENDS." AND THEN SHE HANGS UP BEFORE I CAN EVEN SAY A GOD DAMNED WORD. SHE'S FILLING HER EMPTY NEST WITH FRANZIA FOR CHRIST'S SAKE. SHE'S LIKE SHELLY WINTERS IN "THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE", EXCEPT SHE'S SWIMMING THROUGH AN OCEAN OF PINOT GRIGIO. FUCKIN' SWIM, SHELLY WINTERS! SWIM, GOD DAMN YOU! SOME OF MY BEST FRIENDS ARE TOTAL WASTE-OIDS AND DO WEIRD SHIT LIKE PLAYING TORI AMOS' "SILENT ALL THESE YEARS" AS LOUD AS POSSIBLE AT 3:15AM AND SINGING ALONG, RIGHT BEFORE THEY GET INTO THE BATHTUB WITH ALL OF THEIR CLOTHES ON. THEN, OF COURSE, THEY GO ON A TOUR OF THEIR HOUSEHOLD, THROWING UP IN EVERY SINGLE ROOM. NO BIG DEAL. I HAD A FRIEND WHO THREW UP ON SOMEONE'S HEAD IN THE BACK SEAT OF A CAR WHEN THEY GOT PULLED OVER BY THE COPS. THEY DIDN'T EVEN GET FUCKING CAUGHT! SHE JUST SURREPTITIOUSLY VOMMED ALL OVER HER FRIEND'S HEAD SILENTLY, LIKE TORI AMOS, ALL THESE YEARS, BUT MORE SPECIFICALLY, JUST THAT NIGHT WHEN SHE WAS BARFING INTO HER FRIEND'S PONYTAIL WHILE THE PO-PO WAS ONLY MERE INCHES AWAY. THAT'S SOME FUCKING DEDICATION! ON A SERIOUS NOTE, ALCOHOLISM IS NOT OK, BUT IF YOU CAN GET COMPLETELY SHITARDED IN MODERATION, I SAY FUCKING GO FOR IT! I'LL STILL BE YOUR FRIEND IF YOU POUR VODKA INTO CHAMPAGNE AND THEN MAKE OUT WITH SOME GOTH CHICK AT A WAREHOUSE NEW YEARS EVE PARTY, OR, IF YOU GET TOTALLY SNOGGED OFF OF ONE SHOT OF TEQUILA IN PUERTO RICO AND THEN FORGET HOW SUITCASES WORK BEFORE SOBBING IN THE SHOWER LIKE IN "THE CRYING GAME", WEARING ONLY A T-SHIRT! ACTUALLY, THOSE LAST TWO WERE ME. SHIT. WELL, WHAT-THE-FUCK-EVER, I DON'T HAVE KIDS.

I JUST FUCKING LOVE HAUNTED HOUSES. WELL, HAUNTED ATTRACTIONS IN GENERAL. I WISH HAUNTED HOUSES RAN YEAR-ROUND, GOD DAMN IT. I'LL GO TO ANY FUCKING HAUNTED ATTRACTION IN MY GEOGRAPHIC FUCKING AREA FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, EVEN IF IT'S JUST A SHACK WITH A BUNCH OF STUFFED DUMMIES NAMED "CLEM" OR "BIG BERTHA", STROBE LIGHTS, BUZZERS, AND HOCKEY-MASKED ASSHOLES WITH CHAINSAWS AT THE END. PEOPLE FUCKING LOVE TO BE CHASED WITH CHAINSAWS. REMEMBER WHEN THAT GIRL IN "TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE 2" SHOVED A CHAINSAW UP THAT PSYCHOPATH'S ASS AND HE SAID IT CURED HIS "HEMS"? FUCKING SICK. BUT ALSO AWESOME. I LOVE THAT MOVIE. ANYWAY, I USED TO BE IN A HAUNTED HOUSE EVERY YEAR IN MY HOMETOWN. WE DID IT IN THIS FUCKING OLD ABANDONED MENTAL HOSPITAL, WHICH WAS A FUCKING AWESOME IDEA BECAUSE PEOPLE WERE ALREADY READY TO SHIT THEIR PANTS BEFORE THEY EVEN GOT INTO THE HOUSE. WE COULD HAVE JUST PLAYED A FUCKING SPOOKY SOUNDS TAPE AND DID THE THRILLER DANCE AND PEOPLE WOULD HAVE FUCKING FAINTED, BUT WE DIDN'T, OK? WE HAD FUCKING ARTISTRY AND THEMES FOR THE HAUNTED HOUSE EVERY YEAR (WELCOME TO SLAUGHTER UNIVERSITY, WHERE THE ONLY FUCKING STUDENT DEBT IS YOUR IMMORTAL SOUL), AND YES, CHAINSAW GUYS AT THE END AND IT WAS SO FUCKING AMAZING THAT WE PUT SHITTY SPOOKYWORLD OUT OF FUCKING BUSINESS, OK? WHO DOESN'T LIKE TO BE SCARED, HUH? HAUNTED HOUSES ARE LIKE LIVING INSIDE OF A HORROR MOVIE; IN-FUCKING-SIDE OF HORROR, WHICH IS AMAZING BECAUSE THAT MEANS YOU'LL PROBABLY GET LAID AND DO DRUGS AND GET KILLED. BUT MAYBE YOU'LL COME BACK, YOU KNOW? WHO KNOWS? MAYBE YOU'LL COME BACK FROM THE FUCKING GRAVE OR COME BACK AS A GHOST OR COME BACK TO LIFE LIKE NOTHING EVEN FUCKING HAPPENED AND STUFF IF THE PRODUCERS RETCON YOUR SHIT, OR WHATEVER THE FUCK. I'D COME BACK, I DON'T FUCKING CARE. SERIOUSLY, I AM EASILY PLEASED. JUST DRESS UP A CLOSET LIKE A DILAPIDATED RESEARCH LAB AND PUT SOME FUCKING SPAGHETTI IN A JAR AND TELL ME IT'S BRAINS AND I'M FULFILLED, REALLY. LET'S GET MARRIED.

I JUST FUCKING LOVE SINGING IN THE CAR. SINGING IN THE CAR IS DIFFERENT THAN SINGING IN THE SHOWER BECAUSE YOU CAN TURN THAT SHIT UP SO LOUD THAT IT FEELS LIKE YOUR OWN DAMN CONCERT; A MOVING, SWITCHING LANES AND SOMETIMES-FORGETTING-TO-USE-YOUR-DIRECTIONAL CONCERT. AND WHO GIVES A FUCK IF ANYONE SEES YOU ROCKING OUT? IT'S YOUR DAMN CAR, OK? IF ANYONE GIVES YOU A DIRTY LOOK AS YOU FLY BY IN YOUR MAZDA MIATA JUST ACT LIKE YOU'RE SINGING "SINCE U BEEN GONE" DIRECTLY TO THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS! YOU'RE SOOOOO MOVING ON. YEAH? YEAH. ALSO, YOU ARE LITERALLY MOVING ON BECAUSE YOU'RE IN A FUCKING MOVING VEHICLE FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, SO NOW THIS IS YOUR FUCKING MUSIC VIDEO, PEOPLE! YOU THINK I'M GOING TO HIDE MY KNOWLEDGE OF EVERY SINGLE SYLLABLE OF "ALL YOU WANTED" BY MICHELLE BRANCH? FUCK THAT NOISE! AND IF YOU'RE IN A GROUP THERE ARE TONS OF OPPORTUNITIES TO DIVVY OUT SINGING DUTIES! LIKE IF "LEATHER AND LACE" COMES THE FUCK ON, WE ARE DOING THIS SHIT AND I WILL EVEN LET YOU BE DON HENLEY, OK? GLAD WE SETTLED THAT. ANYWAY, IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU CAN'T REALLY SING. WELL, IT SORT OF DOES, BUT THAT JUST MEANS YOU NEED TO DO A SOLO TOUR AND NOT INVOLVE YOUR FRIENDS WHO MAY NOT RECOVER FROM YOUR BUTCHERING OF "SAY MY NAME"  BY DESTINY'S CHILD. YOU'RE OUT OF THE GROUP! OTHERWISE, BELCH AWAY LIKE YOU'RE JENNIFER HUDSON AFTER SOME FREEZE DRIED WEIGHT WATCHER'S BULLSHIT FETTUCCINE ALFREDO OR WHATEVER. YOU ARE A PART OF THE RHYTHM NATION.

I JUST FUCKING LOVE AWARD SHOW ACCEPTANCE SPEECHES. SO WHAT IF BASICALLY NO ONE GETTING AN AWARD NOWADAYS DESERVES FUCK ALL? THAT WILL NEVER STOP ME FROM YOUTUBE-ING THE SHIT OUT OF EVEN THE MOST HORRIBLE OR ANNOYING PEOPLE TO WATCH THEM BE SURPRISED OR HAPPY OR CRYING TEARS OF JOY WHILE THEY CLUTCH A TROPHY THAT MEANS BUNK! I DON'T GIVE A FUCK! I CRY RIGHT ALONG WITH THEM! ACCEPTANCE SPEECHES ARE FUCKING AWESOME BECAUSE YOU GET TO SEE PEOPLE ACT ALL SURPRISED THAT THEY WON (I'M LOOKING AT YOU, MERYL; YEAH, YOU'RE FUCKING SHOCKED, ALRIGHT. YOU'RE ONLY THE BEST ACTRESS OF THE ENTIRE LAST CENTURY FOR CHRIST'S SAKE), THEN TRY TO CLIMB STAIRS IN A RIDICULOUS OUTFIT OR WHILE WASTED, AND THEN GET ALL MISTY-EYED BECAUSE THEY'VE "FINALLY ARRIVED" OR SOME BULLSHIT--AND THEN THEY ALL THANK THEIR LAWYERS AND MANAGERS, FIRST. THAT'S OK! IT'S FUCKING KILLER TV, PEOPLE. AND THE WINNERS FUCKING GET ME EVERY TIME WITH THE EMOTIONAL STORIES WHILE ACCEPTING AWARDS. SERIOUSLY, JUST START LISTING NAMES OF PEOPLE YOU CARE ABOUT AND I AM A FUCKING GONER, EVEN IF I ACTUALLY HATE YOU AND THINK YOU SUCK. JUST SAY SO-AND-SO WAS "THE ONLY REAL FATHER I EVER HAD" AND I WILL SOAK A BOX OF KLEENEX IN 2 SECONDS FOR YOU. CRYING UNTIL I BLEED! AND IF I DIDN'T LIKE YOU BEFORE, ASSHOLE, THIS IS YOUR CHANCE TO GET ME BACK IN YOUR CIRCLE BY SAYING SOMETHING REALLY FUNNY, BY BEING ULTRA GRACIOUS, OR TALKING ABOUT HOW FUCKING AWESOME YOUR MOM IS. INSTANT LOVE FOR YOU, EVEN IF I WILL ALWAYS MAKE FUN OF YOUR ACTING OR MUSIC OR WHATEVER THE FUCK IT IS YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING. EXTRA POINTS IF YOU FALL DOWN WHILE MAKING IT TO THE STAGE, SWEAR AUDIBLY, OR RECOGNIZE THE OTHER PEOPLE IN YOUR CATEGORY. DON'T FUCK IT UP! ALSO, MONDO EXTRA POINTS IF YOU DON'T WIN AND YOU MAKE SOME KIND OF ENRAGED FACE OF DEATH! I HOPE PEOPLE START STEALING AWARDS FROM EACH OTHER AND SET THE KODAK THEATER ABLAZE! FUCK YEAH!

I JUST FUCKING LOVE WHITNEY HOUSTON IN "THE BODYGUARD". SHE WAS FUCKING AMAZING, ESPECIALLY WHEN HER CHARACTER, RACHEL, WAS SINGING "QUEEN OF THE NIGHT" WHILE DRESSED AS A ROBOT. SHE WAS GIVING YOU FUTURISTIC REALNESS BEFORE ANY OF THESE NEW TRASHY, SECOND-RATE POP WHORES STARTED WEARING STYLISH PROSTHETIC LIMBS AND SHIT FOR CHRIST'S SAKE. THIS IS THE FUCKING WHITNEY I WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER, SEXY CYBORG WHITNEY; THE WHITNEY WHO CAN FUCKING HIT THE HIGH 'E' OVER MIDDLE 'C' JUST BY BURPING; THE WHITNEY BEFORE BOBBY BROWN FUCKED ALL OF OUR R&B DREAMS UP; THE WHITNEY WHO LAUGHS AT SOME WEIRD FRENCH DUDE WHO LEGIT TELLS HER HE WANTS TO RAIL HER ON NATIONAL TV; THE WHITNEY WHO SINGS THE FRIGGIN' NATIONAL ANTHEM AND FLOODS A STADIUM WITH THE FUCKING TEARS OF THE AWE STRUCK. OK, I WILL PROBABLY ALSO REMEMBER NEON-JUMP-SUITED WHITNEY SCREAMING "KISS MY ASS" AT BOBBY BROWN, TOO, BUT BEFORE THAT, SHE'LL ALWAYS BE MY ROBOT BABY TONIGHT, THE ONE AND ONLY QUEEN OF THE FUCKING NIGHT.