we're made of gobf stuff

[Minutes later:]

It is hot. They are hot. They are also hungry! They being the least loved of our critter friends, the trash babies. Leave snacks for the raccoons and possums and rats, please and thanks, otherwise the Arson Raccoon is going to be a problem this summer. And the summer is already hot enough. So... GET ON IT. Put those pizza leftovers in the trash bin and play them some nice restaurant music or whatever.

NO! Wait, hold on, DON'T DO THIS. This is like feeding bears (literal, not gay men, feed those bears if you want) they get all used to human and then before you know it, there's a bear on your couch, drinking your beer, telling you to take out the trash. BAD ADVICE. DON'T DO THIS.

[...] I'm glad you called. And yeah, you have bed bugs now, and lice, and mites. Everything. So where are you sleeping now? The van again or? I've slept in my car and it fucking sucks. You're crazy for willingly doing it. Don't blow my head off literally just yet :( I have to be three time sandcastle champion first.

I’m […] glad I called too. Sorta. Gee, all three? I guess my only solution is to sleep on the ground, go bald, and… take off all my skin? I’m not really sure what you do for mites. Yeah, sleeping in a car sucks. The van is a little nicer. It's a cargo van, and I lived out of the back area thing. Willing isn’t the word I’d use for It's still a little... smushed. I'm trying to fix fixing it, but I'm sleeping on a friend’s couch for now. Who is totally real, by the way. I know by saying that, they sound less real, but I have friends who own couches.

That was you the last two years? Hate to break it to you but that’s not gonna happen… because I’m gonna win this year. The use of alchemy is NOT cheating (according to me), and even though my castles explode every year, I’m completely confident in my abilities. I'll beat you twice. Physically and sandcastle-y.

[pm] I've been known to bite people. 🤝 I'm not sure I'm wired to be just good, babe Like even resetting to factory settings would come with The evil would just leak from somewhere No way! My morals are way too strong to turn evil all willy-nilly. [user did, in fact, turn evil when she couldn't kiss her lady]. But weird stuff might happen, have you ever heard of fridging? That would make me go ballistic, and can you blame me? So you work out... like, you go to the gym and stuff? Why

I used to watch so many, but it's hard now, you know? If I see something, it'll probably be at the movies. Cause if I watch anything on any streaming services (which is a whole different issue), then I'll end up looking at my phone more than paying attention to the bigger screen.

[pm] You bite people but you're anti-vampire? MMM, little hypocritical. [User is teasing...mostly.] Yeah, I used to read comics. I know alllll about fridging. Actually, I can and would blame you if you turned evil. Grief sucks (understatement) sure but I'm pretty sure going on a murder spree (for example) is a choice. Yep. Work at the gym, actually. I teach self-defense classes.

Are you sure you don't have ADHD I like drawing while I watch stuff. Keeps my hands busy without distracting me. What kind of movies do you like when you do what them?

Uh, I mean you could, but I don't think you'd like it... unless you have nothing planned for the next few hours/ a day.

OK, you are being so vague. This is Wicked’s Rest! I know my way around a cursed gnome. What’s Harold gonna do? Turn me into worms? Summon a singing shrimp? C’mon, everyone’s dealt with some magical object before. I have like ten on me right now. Or is Harold actually alive? Is he gonna stab me? Wouldn’t be the first time a gnome has done that, honestly. I don’t wanna brag but… things love to attack me.

Hey, I'm not bald! It’s like a glitch or something. The website took all my hair in my icon. Every time I try to upload a picture, it keeps taking away all my hair. You can’t just mention someone’s baldness, you [user squints at pfp] attractive user looking at phone?

Right. Comedy!

Sorry, would you prefer I called myself a mathematical prodigy instead? We were talking about numbers, figured it was a great time to bring it up, anyway. Perhaps I am just too proud of that? Do you know any mathematicians or prodigies? Does mentioning something I am, disqualify me from being humble? I did take some tests when I was a kid, yeah. But I won't say anymore, I'm trying to be more humble! You know? The world needs more humbleness in these trying times!

You don't like it? [Stares at the video and the tribute post about its explosion.] I also like to waste a lot of effort in things I don't care about. Why was it the worst outcome? Was it even a real planet? It smells fishy, all this gobf stuff.

Ha. Ha. OK, be a little less humble and tell me what's going on there. I think for me it's more of a question of what even constitutes a genius. So, y'know, it kinda does disqualify you when the word you use is "genius". But "prodigy" makes more sense.

Hey, I don't think any effort is wasted effort. Uh, well it looked like a real planet. It had a chartable course across the sky like any other astronomical object. I was in the process of attempting to measure its distance from the Earth when it exploded. So, now there's no answers. Oh, it probably smells fishy because of all the shrimp.

You think we'll be warned? I don't think so. I don't think there was much of a warning when the dinosaurs saw the meteors in the sky and shit. [user doesn't know if that's how it actually happened] I mean, we don't know that, because there's not talking to dinosaurs, you know? We don't know what the shrimp on Gobf experienced. Anything is possible if you just believe in Gobf, [user looks at the profile name] Nova.

The dinosaurs didn't have cameras, telescopes and radars. We would be warned. Also asteroid not meteor, and it didn't destroy the earth, and it also didn't wipe out all dinosaurs. Y'know. Birds. We have birds. And it would've been visible for days (if not weeks) in the night sky, getting bigger. Rules do exist about these sorts of things; there are always warnings. Our survival isn't predetermined but massive changes come with signs. We might not be looking for them, but they're there. Things don't just happen all at once. ANYTHING IS NOT POSSIBLE.

There's literally nothing alike in those two words??? Hello??? Um. Well, if you KNEW about it, you'd know exactly what I was talking about, so?????????

Are you kidding? Clem and Clam are basically the same word. You could be Clam any day. Someone could come along and change your "E" to an "A" and you'd be Clam. You'd turn into Clamentine and I wouldn't put it past this town to Clam you. Wow, yeah, if I knew about it then I would know about it.

Eh, it's fine, you just got a bit excited. No, cause he totally knew he would have lost! Money is for sure good, violence bad.

Yup! [user is blushing] I mean, you have nice arms too. In a non-weird way. Not that you're being weird, I just don't want you to think I'm being weird. Anyway, not a lot of stuff recently, still just bits and bobs, very aspiring big actor haha. I did used to live in LA! It was suuuper competitive, though. Just sort of ended up here? Like it too much to leave.

Money good, violence bad. Yep. We smart make good choice. Rematch Trevor soon. Beat ass.

Y'know I learned from experience that telling people you mean it in a non-weird way makes it more weird for them. I mean, I like weird but people are really weird about weird. We're just two people with some hot arms, in a non-weird way. Can't imagine Maine as a lot of jobs for you though. Hey, you see that play someone is putting on? [User links to Jenny's post.] You auditioning for that? I'll come see you! [...] You like Wicked's Rest? And you're sure you don't have a concussion?

Why not? You saying that kinda makes me want to touch them more.

Gobf isn't a planet... it's a curse. [...] And also a planet. Or it was a planet. Somehow. Don't think about the science behind it. It'll only bring you pain. The safest thing to do now is forget Gobf ever existed. Let it go... It'll be OK...

Hi! By any chance has anyone seen this gnome around town/ in their yard/ in your home? If you have, please contact me immediately and DO NOT TOUCH IT! 

What the hell does Gobf mean? Why do individuals keep asking me about a Gobf?

Also, you need to stop doing this, Clementine Clem [...] It's SO MUCH like "Clam". Anyway, more information. Please. You can't just say "a van" and "a song". You need to give people like a shred of fucking' anything to go off of. Also, context. I need so much context.

Because... it's your name? What do you want me to call you? Bitch? A little misogynistic but I guess if it's what you want, bitch.