Calculate The Odds

I got to go to work soon and I don't know how I'm going to get shit done.

So, during the pandemic, I got up to 232lbs- at 4'9", which was really taxing my joints and overall body. Over the past four years, through moving out of my parent's house, eating more whole foods, drinking more water, walking a bit more, and hard work in therapy to learn to sit with uncomfortable emotions, today I weighed in at 166 lbs. That's the lowest weight I've been in over a decade. I still have about 50 lbs to lose to get to my "goal weight," give or take. It's more about building muscle and losing fat at this point than the actual scale. Hence, the quotes around goal weight. But anyway, here are some things I've noticed that I found weird while losing weight:

Clothing: Clothes felt different but weight didn't change much on the scale at certain points. This was especially true for me at the 190-180 lbs range.

Bloating: I started to feel when I was bloated. This may be TMI, but when I was in the 200 lbs range, I really didn't think I had many period symptoms like bloating because I didn't necessarily feel bloated. However, now I can tell when my period is coming because I feel bloated. Such a strange sensation.

Bones: I've started to notice my bones more now. My clavicle started to show which isn't weird. But I tend to self-sooth by putting my hand on my upper chest, near my neck, under my clavicle. I started to feel my sternum. At first it freaked me out because it feels so bone-y. Also, if I run my hands down my rib cage I can feel in between my ribs more now.

Reference Points: So, I lived with 200+ lbs for almost five years, if not more. With that my reference points of amount of activity I can do without pain is still mostly based on that body. For example, walking. Only a few years ago I could maybe walk a quarter mile in one stretch. But I'd be in pain. I would need a break by the end of the quarter mile before moving on. So, I keep going back to that reference point when I think about walking places. However, just the other day, I walked about 0.6 miles with little pain and no breaks. I was so surprised. It was only after I made my destination did I look up the distance. If I looked it up before hand I'm sure I would have rented a scooter or something thinking I couldn't walk all that way without being in pain or so quickly.

Scoliosis: I've always had scoliosis - one curve over 54 degrees, so moderate to severe. But when I was bigger, I didn't really notice it in pictures as much. But now, when I take pics of my body I notice it a lot more. I can now see that my belly button doesn't line up center, as I lose weight in my back, I can start to see the curve more. It's so weird.

Clothing pt. 2: I've dropped down a size in women's and men's shirts. Logically I know this. However, every time I put on those size smaller shirts, I'm always surprise they fit. Each time, I'm legitimately shocked that they fit me. That they aren't tight. On the flip side, when I put on my larger shirts, I'm also shocked that they look so big on me now. I remember them feeling tight in 2020. I have three of my larger shirts that I'm never getting rid of, at least not until they turn into rags, because these were my favorite shirts and now, they look like dresses on me.

Boobs: Sadly, I am not a C cup in at 166 lbs. I'm a B cup. So far, with losing the weight slowly over four years there isn't a lot of lose skin yet. However, one area that has sagged a lot is my boobs since the weight loss.

Doctors: So, my current doctors I have had seen me since I was in the 190s a year or two ago. But some of them I only see once a year or so for annual checkups. Just recently I had an appointment with my cardiologist. He asked me my weight (it was virtual visit) and I told him 167 (few weeks ago) and he said "wow, that's a 13% difference than last year." Not in a mean way or shaming type of way. But yeah, it was kind of nice to hear that weight loss is impressive. Especially, because I've been hard on myself about taking years and years to lose significant weight. But hearing 21.7 lbs difference = 13% difference, idk, 13% over a year seems more impressive than 21.7 lbs.

Fullness: So, I realize a lot of the time I used to eat to fill some sort of emotional void whether that be boredness, loneliness, sadness, or for a dopamine hit (I have ADHD). Since therapy and ADHD meds I noticed that I can feel my fullness cues easier. Not only that but I'm able to listen to my fullness cues. In the past, if I felt full, I'd still eat past the fullness cues because I wasn't just eating for hunger but for some emotional fulfillment too.

Confidence: Back when I was in the 200's I didn't feel any sort of confidence in my body. However, now with clothes on I feel more confident (granted, the bar was so low it basically touched the floor). But still, in clothes I feel more confident and less self-conscious. However, without clothes I still have very little confidence, lol. Baby steps.

Schedule: My day to day used to revolve around food. If I was going to hangout with friends or go on a date it usually involved food of some type. Now, while I may think about what I'm making for dinner every now and then, in my mind, I don't segment my days in between eating times. I eat when I'm hungry and the only real schedule I have is "eat dinner before 6pm" because otherwise I get heartburn while sleeping. I used to wake up, eat breakfast. Then know I have X hours until lunch and would count down to then. Then, right after lunch I'd count down to dinner. In between it would be filled with soda and juice.

Taste buds: Salt, sugar, process food - all of these types of tastes are enhanced now. I use could scarf down McD's salty fries and barely taste the salt. Now, those are too salty for my tastes. I used to crave sugar a lot. Now, cookies taste a bit too sweet for me. Process food, after eating whole foods a lot more, taste processed to me. I don't know how to explain it other than it just taste kind of fake.

I'm on the last episode of Couple to Throuple and I need to rant about it. . .

First, Dylan and Lauren - no. Just no. They are the unicorn hunters of the group. They treated, imo, their third as second class dehumanized citizens.

Second, Ashmal and Rehman - Rehman needs to learn to communicate more effectively. Jonathan (their third) is a bit all over the place but I don't necessarily fault him.

Third, Dylan and Britnnee - I don't get if they eve want a third or not. I'm not saying you have to be overly sexual - honestly it was refreshing that they weren't at first. But three weeks and you just started to make out towards the end...ok. To each their own I guess.

Fourth, Wilder & Corey - Don't judge a book by its cover. This was the only (imo) healthy-ish version of polyamory depicted on the show. They constantly communicated with each other and Deneyse (their third). They discussed boundaries, stuck to them, and continually communicated.

Fifth, Maximo and Ash - no. Just no. But not the same exact reason as Dylan and Lauren. Idk, to me this couple seemed flightly and unserious about becoming a throuple. I think they work better with ENM.

Finally, my thoughts on the premise of the show and its execution. . . Terrible. OMG, I felt so gross at times. For example, the focus especially in the beginning episodes was on the couples. They literally had a therapy session for just the couples and left the "thirds" at the villa for hours. The show, would rotate out the third's pictures when the couples chose to "swap" a third. The thirds had to sit in front of the couple during these "swapping ceremonies" wondering if the couple would want them or not. Sometimes, it felt like the third wasn't even thought of as a human with feelings. That shit couple - Dylan and Lauren - didn't give any indication to their second third (Mia) that they wanted to "swap" her with someone else. That was really hard to watch.