first thing's first i'll eat ya brains

Mattie, 

The guidance counselor at your school said something about how writing –

I don’t know how to say this in person so I thought a letter –

You’re shutting down. I see it, with me and everyone else. This is how you cope. And I understand that. Burdening people with the stuff you’re going through is the last thing you want to do. Because what’s on your chest is so black, so corrupted, and so horrible that no one should have to bear it. 

Especially not you. 

Please, Mattie, let me in. I can’t lose you to the walls you’re building. Let me –

I remember I used to read you and Nate stories when you were little. And sometimes they’d be scary because the shit I had to read wasn’t really ‘kid’ appropriate. I’d do all the voices and you two would be tucked into bed, covers pressed up to your necks. 

One night we read Watership Down. You know, the book with the bunnies; a few of them die at the end of the book, and in retrospect it was a little traumatizing. I closed the book when it was time for bed; Nate had already fallen asleep way before. But you were still up, avoiding my eyes and playing with the blanket on your chest. 

Even then you tried to shut me out. I had to crawl into bed with the two of you and turn you round so you’d look me in the eye. I laid with you and held you for nearly two hours, listening to the sounds of mum and dad downstairs, before you even uttered a peep of what had been going on in your brain. Two hours felt like a lifetime, staring at you and not being able to help. But when you broke in my arms, even if only for a moment, it felt like healing.

It’s been three weeks, Mattie. I know well I can’t make you do anything you don’t want to do. Think you got that from me, to be honest. 

Help me help you. Let me in. I want my little sister back. I want my Mattie back. 

★: Open when we’re fighting (and it’s your fault)

Nate,

This is a letter you receive when I am so upset with you that I can’t even collect myself to talk face to face. So whatever it is you’ve done, it’s pretty fucked up. 

I know I’m not as easygoing as Adam. I know I don’t let you have the freedom you want, and that I lose my chill far more often that you and Mattie think I should. But maybe think about what’s going through my head when you do stupid shit that puts your life in danger? If you’re reading this letter, I’ve also most likely grounded your ass so bad that if anything there is plenty of time to think about that. 

Mom left and Dad fell apart when I was your age. Fifteen. 

I had to leave a lot of things behind, a lot of goals I wanted to accomplish when that happened to me. To us. And now I try to make damn sure you guys get the opportunities I lost. 

Which is why I get so goddamn angry when you do things you know aren’t safe, or could hurt you. It’s literally dismantling everything I fought to give you guys. Everything I’m still fighting to give you guys, because goddamn if I forget when I lost you guys to the government. 

I am sorry you are hurting. I am sorry this letter probably won’t make what’s happening inside you feel better. And I’m sorry I can’t take that pain away. If I could, I would. You and Caleb and Mattie deserve better than the shit you were handed. 

But your pain should not be an excuse to lash out and hurt yourself and others. Use it to get out of here, to make something of yourself instead of rotting in this home without an education, without friends, without passion. 

Think of this letter the next time you decide you want to do something reckless. And remember that next time, though I will be screaming bloody murder at you, behind all that is just a fifteen year old girl attempting to keep her family together. 

♔: Open when you need to know how much I love you

♠: Open when you’re mad at me

☏: Open when you miss me

☻: Open when you’re lonely

♣: Open when you’re happy

✘: Open when you’ve had a long day

♦: Open when you’ve had a bad day

√: Open when you’re sick

♥: Open when you’ve left me after visiting

♪: Open when you can’t sleep

☼: Open when you’re horny

☂: Open when you’re imagining our future

☯: Open when we can’t communicate with each other

▲: Open when you need a reminder of all the things I love about you

➳: Open when you need motivation/encouragement

✈: Open when you need to laugh

✌: Open when you’re bored

★: Open when we’re fighting (and it’s your fault)

✿: Open when we’re fighting (and it’s my fault)