A mess of emotions

R: (early 50s) the main guy my blog has been about up until I graduated college. Has helped me a lot during my time at the college and I still care a lot for. And has helped a lot with my anxiety issues.

A: (mid 40s) a head of a different department from one that I work in. One of the guys I’ve known the longest since I started working there and always enjoy talking with.

Drove C both days to our offsite work because his car was having issues since last week. I got us coffee in the morning and he was really appreciative and that he wasn’t used to people being that nice to him (particularly getting coffee for him).

My hand kept brushing against his knee/thigh when I needed to shift gears. He apologized for man-spreading and I chuckled and said it’s fine. We had some good chats while I drove.

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At the end of the shift he needed to check into the hotel our company got for him for the week. We got to the lobby and stood by him as he did the check in process with the front desk because there wasn’t really a close place for me to sit down at while he did that. I was half in a sense had to be part of the conversation while I was trying to hint that I’m not going to be staying here, just C 😅. She kept asking if a king bed was okay, or at least it felt like a weird amount of times. I was getting a bit bored of the small talk she was trying to make with us because we were both exhausted by the day. I was zoned out when I realized C was pushing one of the 2 water bottles she gave us to me. I heard C let out a snicker when he saw me get startled. We thanked her and started to head out the building.

C commented that he wondered if she thought I was his wife and I replied yeah we really missed an opportunity to do some kind of role play and he got a good kick out of that.

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Both days after the event we didn’t get dinner like we usually do and I was kind of disappointed about but his wife had some extra food from her dinner and the next day he needed to pick up his car from his parents’ place. But at least on the second day he told me about his neighborhood that he grew up and and pointed some stuff out to me that I thought was cute.

We also went to lunch together both days. The first day we went with another coworker and wound up walking around the city for like 10 min to get to a place that they used to like and they still went in to try it and C and I went to a grocery store next door. We had some fun walking around the store figuring out what would might be good. We picked out our food and paid and thankfully they had some tables right outside the shop and we picked a table and chatted about the event and checking in with each other while we ate. We stayed at the table a while longer watching and commenting on some dogs and a few cars we saw pass by. We didn’t meet up with our other coworker since he let C know he was going to head back. We took a different way back and commented on some of the interesting stuff we were going by. He brought up a post I sent him with a car he was really curious about from the car show we went to earlier. The week before, he was telling me that he was having a hard time finding it on his own time even with using the photo I had taken of it.

But I managed to find it and sent him the link. He replied to my message but brought it up on our walk back. He said that he got real excited when I sent it to him and showed his wife and he was saying that she wasn’t getting it and we got a little kick out of it.

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On the second day he was having a flare up of pain in his lower back. I offered for him to use the pain reliever ointment I have on me for an old injury I have. He was hesitant because he kept counting his lower back as his butt and I had to convince him that it is indeed not his ass that he pointed out that was hurting. It was just the backside of his hip (his lumbar area but I couldn’t think of the name at the time) and I wouldn’t have really wanted to offer it to him if it was his butt and even then it’s not like he was going to use it in his ass crack (what I literally told him) and that made him bust out laughing and agreed that that wouldn’t really feel good.

I dug it out of my bag and he kept getting side tracked and I would remind him, he was being cheeky saying that he will. After a couple times of reminding him and seeing he was in pain still, I grabbed the ointment and stood in front of him and put it in his hand. He chucked and said fine and I told him that I’ll even turn around as he started to loosen his paints and I was turning away from him being cheeky back to him. He chuckled and said no it was fine and he finished putting the ointment on his lumbar and handed it back me and thanked me. After a little bit he said that it was helping and thanked me again and I told him of course and glad it was helping.

At lunch we went to a place he found online earlier that was a lot closer than where we went the day before. We ordered our food and he asked if I wanted to sit inside or outside. I said it was a nice day, especially with being inside for most of the day already, and there was a nice view outside. He agreed and we sat pretty close next to each other at a bar seating that they had right out front. We chatted and he said that he really appreciated me coming again especially with the day we’ve been having and how frustrating it’s been. I could tell it was all kind of getting to him and I patted his shoulder a bit and replied of course and that I was glad I came as well. He gave me a soft smile.

But also realize why I got attached to their dynamic in particular because at times it was reminding me of some past memories with C and I. And finding these images just adds to it.

Went to a car show with C! 😁🥰

We’ve been doing more stuff with just the 2 of us outside of work and it’s been so nice.

He was the 1st one to brought it up the week before it was going to happen and the week of, I brought it up making sure he wanted to go and he said he might have to work. I checked in again and he said that he wasn’t going to work and I was relieved.

Yesterday I texted him later in the day to make sure he was available and wanted to go still. It took him a while to respond but he eventually did saying that he’s still interested in going and we planned it out from there (afterwards he apologized for taking a while to get back to me because he wasn’t sure and going back and forth with himself if he really wanted to go and he said his wife chimed in and encouraged him to go ((thank you wife lol)). )

I got us coffee and started heading to the meeting spot he wanted to go to. When I first parked at the meeting spot he texted saying that he was running a little late. I watched him pull in and was about to get out of my car to go to his until I saw him get out of his car and started heading over to me. I offered to drive initially but was kind of confused if we were actually sticking to that. But yeah we took my car this time since we usually take his and I was still a bit surprised that we committed to that but I was happy about it and he was appreciative for the coffee. We chatted on the way over and I feel like I could kind of tell that he was excited.

The ticket checker waited for both of us to approach and I had my phone out with my ticket out already as he was trying to get his ready and the other guy was making a lighthearted comment about me having the tickets for both of us, kind of like insinuating that we were a couple 😏. I told him nah I only have my ticket and he has his own and he was like pft haha ok then. I think C also got a little kick out of that interaction as well.

Once we got inside and started looking around at the selection for a few minutes he said, “alright yeah I’m glad I came.” 😆 I told him that I was also really glad that he decided as well since it’s been so long since I went to this show with another actual car enthusiast.

Later he saw a car he particularly liked and leaned by my ear and was messing around saying he’d have sex with that car. The sensation of him doing that did a little something to me haha.

It was cool to hear him talk about the different car engines that he was seeing and we talked about our favorite cars and the years. We managed to catch some of the time trials and we were both pretty excited to watch the different cars go through the track. We walked through the rest of the outdoor area and we brushed against each other a few times and stood really close to each other when looking inside the cars.

I was a bit disappointed that he brought his camera but never took any pictures. It was pretty funny to find out that we have very similar camera models. I asked him a couple times if he was going to and he initially said that he wanted to finish his coffee first but then he said that he just really likes going around and looking at the cars. He offered for me to use his lens, not just for the show but also anytime besides that. So I might try to do that at some point.

After a while it started to rain and we took cover in one of the buildings we didn’t finish walking through. We waited until it finished before heading back to my car and to drop him off.

Pretty boring day overall. Until towards the end of the shift when he was looking for a picture to show one of our coworkers. I was close by working on something when C calls my name and faces his phone screen towards me showing me a selfie he took just after he woke up.

And god damn he looked so stinking cute 😩. I was initially surprised seeing how big and floofy it was. I just chuckled and said that that was some crazy bedhead and he chuckled back agreeing. Like are you trying to bait me into exposing myself?? Lmao

Worked just with C today. The chat was mostly the same as usual all day.

At one point I was walking out of our aisle, as I was turning the corner I could see C coming up behind me and started speaking soft asking if I wanted to hang out after work without our supervisor since he’s not really suppose to do anything too strenuous and he thinks that it might be so C didn’t want him knowing I guess. I told him that I’d be interested but I just didn’t know what day would be best and a bit surprised that he asked in the first place.

Towards the end of the day his conversations went to some new places that kind of surprised me. He got onto the subject of being scruffy. Initially it was just in regards to his beard and how his wife prefers that scruffy but not “other places” but since they haven’t really been having sex he hasn’t been needing to do that much upkeeping.

He talked about how he doesn’t have good swimmers so that’s why him and his wife had to do ivf. He brought up how his nephew and his girlfriend are now pregnant in their early 20s and are now getting married and about how the time she got pregnant lines up with their camping trip they went on. I was getting the feeling that he feels some type of way about it and comparing their situations in a sense. And we talked about different methods of birth control when we were talking about how it’s funny when couples say that they’re “trying for a baby” and how that just means that they’re just having sex. Because he was saying that just happens by default when there’s no kind of birth control happening. I agreed and also found it funny but told him that there have been pregnancies that happened regardless of birth control since they all have percentages of effectiveness. He was kind of surprised and hadn’t realized that it was still a possibility. And I told him that my best friend got her iud taken out after her and her husband discussed it and are actively trying for a baby. And I told him how the women I her family have had a hard time conceiving their 1st kids and then have an easier time after that. And I wonder if that gave him some reprieve.

He talked about a notoriously pretty woman that he worked with at one of his previous jobs. He talked about how one time her, him and a couple of his coworkers were hanging out and she had been flirting and teasing him for a while and he wasn’t really believing that she really wanted to get with him. They wound up going off on their own and she only wanted to make out and grind on him. He went along with it but wanted more and she didn’t want to saying that she was a Christian. But he found out that like a week later she had a threesome with some other people. I let out a chuckle and said that grinding and making out is all well and good if you’re horny teenagers but not so comparable when you’re adults unless it’s like part of a kink or foreplay. He laughed and agreed.

C wore one of my jackets today!! 🤭

It was chilly for most of the day and he said he foolishly took his extra jackets out of his car and forgot to bring one. I hesitated to ask if he would want to borrow one of mine since I have a couple extras. I wound up asking a few minutes later and he said yeah sure (to my surprise still) and joked that he wouldn’t mind wearing a crop top. I chuckled and said not this time and that I wear mostly men’s jackets anyway so it would most likely be okay.

I grabbed my 2 extra jackets and he looked them other and wound up picking my jacket that I’ve had since high school and has been a favorite of mine 🤭. It fit him well besides the sleeves being a little short when he raised his arms up high which we both found funny.

Had a pretty nice dream with C last night, what a way to start the year lol. Him, another coworker of ours, and I were chatting at work and when the conversation came to an end I guess I was looking kind of sad and C noticed and hugged me tight and I closed my eyes when he did. I was really surprised to feel him give my cheek a small peck.

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I’ve been thinking about him quite a bit lately. I’ve been a bit worried about him and his wife. Apparently they’re going to try to start having a baby and he wasn’t really into it. My best friend and her husband are also trying for a baby and I asked her a bunch of questions to make sure it’s something she really wants to do and doesn’t feel pressured to do. That shit is always my main worry when people are having kids. From personal family experience and seeing those regretful parent stories. I told my best friend about it too with some of the questions I thought about asking him that were also similar to what I asked her and she agreed that it’s something we hope that they talked about it early in their relationship and especially in their couple therapy (that he’s told me that they typically do).

Pretty big step career-wise. I was asked to fill in for a coworker for a work event that would be with C, A and one other coworker. I carpooled with C for like almost 2 hours, it was great 😊. Though I wish I wore my pj’s or my other more comfortable pants like C did when he picked me up. But I thought I’d be self conscious which I shouldn’t be but unfortunately that’s how I tend to be 🥲.

He did most of the talking and filled me in on some stuff that’s been going on with some of our other coworkers. I told him about something my family member and I saw a few days earlier that we didn’t know what it was and he thought it was probably something and I looked it up later and yep he was right haha. We left later than originally anticipated and he said he’d figure it’d be fine since he knows I’m more of a night owl like he is and I told him that yeah for the most part but working so much made me change my schedule. He said to feel free to go to sleep if I want to. I was tempted to but I wanted to keep talking to him and haven’t been getting sleepy in long car rides like I usually do since my last road trip. And I told him that I’d rather try to sleep when we get there so I’d be less likely to struggle to go to sleep. He agreed and said that would be better.

It still trips me out when he looks over at me when’s he’s driving and talking to me because when I’m driving it’s hard for me to look over at people I’m talking to. But otherwise he’s a good driver.

The weather was pretty rainy the next morning despite the forecast. I was the only one wearing a hoody but wished I brought my umbrella as well to the job site. But because I had the hood I was the one dedicated to be the main one orchestrating the unloading. Afterwards I shook off the extra water before going inside and C saw that and said “good girl” it caught me off guard for a second but I responded with a happy little “woof woof” and he got a kick out of it lol but inside I was like “🤭 don’t play with me boy 😏”

During our break it was getting crowded while C and I were leaving the area and I was getting really nervous about losing him in the crowd so I held onto his shoulder, he looked back and smiled at me before continuing to get us through the crowd.

Over here giggling and kicking my feet after today 🤭. R finally came to my workplace after like a month of ping pong between my manager and him for bringing his class in to talk to them about the career. I was the initial one R reached out to to get things started and give him the contact info for my manager.

This morning he texted me confirming that he’s coming today and we talked about what we were planning and what time they were coming.

And holy crap it was so funny when I got to work and was talking to C and a couple managers. Apparently R wasn’t getting back to my manager about what he was really wanting to do and what time he was coming. But he texted ya girl out of the blue about it 😏 and I let them know what he told me and they were like “😑 alright then.”

We got some other stuff done for the day and C hadn’t been feeling well for a bit and I gave him some medicine I carry with me but he wound up going home for a bit before R’s class came and to finish setting up the shop for them.

R came a bit early and he texted me when he got here and I met him at the door and he smiled all big and gave me a big hug and we chatted a little bit before I walked him over to where the rest of my coworkers were.

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After the demonstration the class broke up to explore the shop and I went to go hang out in my department and talked to some students that were asking me more about the shop and my experience in this career. R came up to my side and hugged me again and kept his arm around me and I did the same to him as he went more in depth of introducing me to the students that were in our immediate area. About how I started off at that college and stuff. He eventually let go and watched me talk about what my experience has been and he asked me some questions about it as well. And I told them that I wish I could take R’s classes now that he’s finally teaching what he wants to.

The students continued checking stuff out and R said I can stop by the school anytime and sit in on his classes. And I would be genuinely into that.

I was talking to my manager a little later just about my time before he started even at the shop, before R walked up to us to talk about how the demo went and he hugged me again ☺️ saying I did good talking to the students and how far I’ve come. R got the students attention to end the night and started to send the them home. He went around and thanked the guys for the night, shaking hands and hugged C before coming over to me and hugged me goodbye (part 1 of goodbye lol).

R helped close up the shop a bit and the last 2 students finally left and I hung back to help C and my coworker tidy up a bit. On R’s final way out we made eye contact and he started walking towards me and opened his arms and we hugged tighter and held on for a bit while he said goodbye again and said again that I could come by the school anytime.

Holy crap that was the most hugs I’ve ever got from him 🥰 it made me so happy the whole time I was driving home and needed to write it down.

Worked offsite with C again. Pretty normal stuff, nothing too crazy or special at the start.

Towards lunch I asked him if he had plans or know where to go. I checked my phone for what was around and we debated about a few places. Lunch was called and he said he was going to finish up what he was doing real quick and I said I was going to run to the bathroom.

Afterwords I headed back to where we were working and didn’t see him there and figured he left already and was kind of bummed and started walking back out and felt my phone ringing and saw that he was calling me and I perked up a bit lol.

But I saw him right away and decided to just get his attention without answering and he saw me and smiled and ended the call. I was relieved that he didn’t leave me behind or anything 😅. We stayed in the building and went into one of the places closest by in the same. I found something I would’ve ordered but he wasn’t really too into what they offered and we went to another place that was across the hall and looked at the menu there and he said he was more into what they were serving there and asked me if I saw anything I’d want and I said yeah. Oh boy that was a mistake…

We got a table and it took a bit to get our order placed and we planned on getting our bills right away but the food took FOREVER to come out like holy shit. We were joking about it for almost the whole time. We’re both the kind of people that are understanding and patient but holy shit. We had an hour and it still wasn’t long enough. Between wondering why things were so slow while the place being really not busy at all, we asked each other stuff and generally catching up with each other.

At least the food was good…

We saw our waiter check on other people… but never us. And we both gave each other like 😒 when we also saw that they prioritized people that ordered alcohol. We had an hour lunch time and it took the whole process just over an hour. He was more into a crunch then I was since he has a more important role. We gobbled our food and he left me his card 🤭 and told me how much to tip and to bs his signature 😆 and that he’ll explain what happened when he goes back to the room.

I finally finished sorting both our bills and was flabbergasted at how many receipts they gave me (we told them when we ordered that we were doing separate bills and they were really appreciative about that) but it was like multiple copies of the same receipts, specifically “customer copy” and that has never happened to me before and I was just like 😵‍💫

I got back to C and gave him his card and a copy of his receipt and told him what happened after he left and he was also like WTF??? And said yeah… if we ever work at this location again, we’re never going back to that place 😂

At work I was the one mainly working on a project that our manager put me on for the day. When I was finishing up and after C helped me get stuff we had to wait for, there was something we realized we needed that wasn’t in our department and will need to grab from where Y (that guy said he had a crush on me) works from. So he offered to go grab it since he knows I’m still pretty uncomfortable with being around him. Which I thought was really sweet of him and told him I really appreciated it and he said of course ☺️

The other week I was working on something and Y asked me where something was and I was a bit startled but I answered him like I normally would with anyone else. C entered our department moments later and I asked him to confirm where it should be and he gave the same answer and that was pretty much that. I wonder if C had any thoughts about it at that point. Overall I wasn’t feeling really awkward or uneasy about the encounter at least.

I had told him before the other month when Y texted me again about his feelings and apologized and said he still wanted to get to know me but I just didn’t want to deal with it anymore and don’t really know what else to do. A few days passed before I responded saying that it wasn’t going to work out and the whole situation just rubs me the wrong way. And he responded essentially saying that he thinks about me a lot and life’s too short to not spend it with good people. I haven’t responded after that but I was just like …alright man 😒

But I guess that’s why I have some reprieve when I have crushes on men that I know it won’t/can’t happen with for one reason or another. So I never felt the urge to confess my feelings. I just try to keep it under wraps.

And I feel like such a damn idiot. How the hell did I get stuck on another guy that sucks at communicating!! (Also like R)

And I just had to let my anxiousness and overthinking ruin things 🫩 and he eventually left the chat after the last message I sent him. I messaged him maybe like once a week, so i think like 3 times. Because I know I can get annoyed if I get too many messages from someone. But god was time going so slow at that point and I was struggling so much with trying to be patient. Usually I can wait no problem, or just brush it off.

But I also had a voice in the back of my head from what I’ve been told before about putting in effort and giving the benefit of the doubt and whatever 🙄

And he would see my messages but just not respond. And I would see that he was online, even for like a few moments and I would keep thinking about how he told me I could message him anytime and it’s all just left me so confused and frustrated. And of course I wondered if he found someone else to connect with and just lost interest in me.

Now I’m stuck can’t helping but to check up on his profile, wondering if he’s keeping an eye on my profile as well or if he’s thought about me at all. Or I wonder if he’ll forget about me soon and re-like my profile, because that’s happened to me before, but from guys I wasn’t really into and wound up blocking them so they wouldn’t keep doing it.

But again I’m struggling waiting and so tempted to like him 1st this time. But I’m sure it’s still too soon. I miss talking to him and he’s the only one that I was getting to actually be interested in meeting up with.

ALSO he’s my age. Which is kind of a first for me, it’s such a rarity for me to have feelings for someone so close to my age. He’s like some amount of months older than me at least haha.

I’ve been talking to other guys trying to get my mind off him and of course the rest of them are chatting with me with no issue but none of them are hitting like he was. Not even the older guy I’ve been talking to that I’m more typically into is doing much for me 🫠