Your Spirit Animal

Love It or List It be like: You purchased this house for $200k and with your budget of $300k, we tore down a wall between two rooms, added some throw pillows, and although we didn't refinish your basement, we did import a laundress from the 1800s to do your laundry in this dark corner. Your home is now worth $850k The couple: even though the real estate agent found everything we like in one house that was specifically designed to fit our family of 7.75 people, I'll be damned if I pay $875k for a home. We'll stay.

When I was about 6-7 years old, I had a recurring nightmare of a miniature sumo wrestler that looked just like Craig T. Nelson. It still fucks me up to see Craig T. Nelson in anything.

"Oh, you're wearing Puma? The founder was a Nazi. So..." -me from my book titled "Things I've Said at Interviews, but Probably Shouldn't Have"

What about dinosaur ghosts? Where they

Just saw a dude with a floor length fur coat and long, elaborately braided hair get into the backseat of a Toyota Camry, and I can't imagine this Christmas getting any better.

Police: What caused you to go off the road? Me: Officer, maybe I should preface my statement by saying I'm a huge fan of The X-Files. While I admire Scully and want to be like her, I'm definitely more of a Mulder. There was a bright light in the sky and my alien senses were tingling... Police: ... Me: *trying to make the X-Files theme music* Police: Step out of the car.

Maybe I'm not a hoarder. Maybe I'm a dragon.

To keep healthcare costs down, allow yourself to be abducted by aliens.