whatever

I think too deeply about everything. I still don't know if that allows me to see more of the world, or less of it.

““I love you, but you just make me so sad.” She whispered quietly enough to not wake him. “And I so badly want to go back to the way things were, but every time I look at you now I feel little edges of my heart cracking apart.” She kisses his chest with the next words, “I love you, but I have to love myself now.””

“Even after hurting me a million times, he would still ask me why I couldn’t ever trust him.” she said bitterly. “But see, that’s the thing with toxic people. They’ll stab you in the lungs and then ask why you’re having trouble breathing.”

“Please be clingy with me. Intertwine your fingers into mine when we’re out in public, show me off to all your friends, kiss me in front of girls that make me jealous, remind me of your love every moment you get. When I’m away, talk to your friends about me. About my laugh, about how you think I might be the one, about how you’ve never felt so incredibly invested into a person before. And finally, at night, let me be the last thought you have before you fall asleep. I feel like I’m always the one who cares the most, I just want someone to care for me just as deeply for once.”

“Don’t date an overthinker. She’ll spend days analyzing your facial expressions when you speak, and nights deciphering what the period placement in your text message meant. She’ll agonize for hours over why you didn’t say hello to her at breakfast, and start to create unrealistic scenarios in her head that you decided you no longer liked her. Don’t date her, because otherwise she’ll suffocate you with her care. She’ll always ask you if you’re okay, and constantly say that she loves you just to hear you say it back to her. And she’ll cry, oh lord will she cry. She’ll cry over the way you looked at that girl, or the way your eyes stopped lighting up at her name. She’ll cry when you start kissing her like it’s your job, and touching her like it’s a habit. She’ll even overthink the fact that maybe she’s just overthinking. That you do still love her, that all these worries might actually just be in her head. And so when you do leave, she’ll still wake up nights six months from now replaying the memories over in her head like a jukebox thinking “Where did I go wrong?” or “What did I do this time?”. Do not date an overthinker unless you plan on marrying her.”

“Promise me this baby promise me this: Promise me if we ever become like my parents you’ll let me go. If we can’t talk to each other without shouting; without going above 88 decibels, promise me you’ll let me go. Promise me if you start going on stupid dating websites and talking to women whose existence you deny; promise me if you feel the need to tell me they ‘mean nothing’ that you’ll let me go. Baby look my parents were in love once too and now they’re together out of necessity not affection. This is what happens when a volcano meets the Atlantic Ocean; they might survive for a little while but it’s only a matter of time before they blow. Please please just promise that if we can’t look each other in the eye anymore; if we end up sleeping in different beds in different rooms at the ends of long corridors; if we can’t laugh at the same jokes and pride becomes more important than forgiveness… Look just promise me that if you’re not happy and I’m not happy, you’ll let me go. You’re in love with me now and God knows I love you too. But look, just promise if you ever start having doubts you’ll say so. Look, I’m begging you please let’s not torture each other like that; just promise me the same and I’ll promise to let you go.”

“Please don’t ever leave me. Cause if you do I’ll start remembering every little thing, and I swear the first thing I’ll do is reread all the good morning and goodnight texts, all the “I love you’s”, all the “I miss you’s”, all the “my baby’s”, and darling I will rip my chest open with them until my soul is flowing on the floor”

“Everything has gone by so fast with you, your eyes full of tenderness make me lose all concept of time. You fill my heart with love, I feel complete with you.”

We were a bit drunk on that Monday night, it was 4am and we were about to go to sleep when those words came out of your mouth: ‘You deserve better than me.“ And darling I swear I wanted to kill that thought away from your mind, for nothing nothing nothing could be more wrong. Never have I been treated as perfectly by a man as I’ve been treated by you so far, I want your babies and your wedding ring around my ring finger, and if I ever dared to think that I deserved better than you, then you’d be the one who’d deserve better than me.

“They say that eternal love is a myth. They say that when you’re romantic and in love, you always believe you’re gonna love “that” person forever, but that it rarely happens. But darling I’m not scared to claim that I’ll love you forever. We’ve been through a lot, we’ve lived many things together, I’m so happy with you and you seem so happy with me that our ending seems totally inconceivable to me. But if it should happen, if you should leave one day, if we should go our separate ways, I swear, oh God I swear that, even 50 years from now, I wouldn’t ever talk about you and say “I don’t love him anymore”.”

“You’re everywhere. Except right here. And it hurts.”