chieko!!

Sometimes I think about how I gave advice to my ex-girlfriend and became her number one and only supporter when the whole world turned her back on her after we broke up and she became an asshole. The most heartbreaking thing she ever said to me was "You're only saying that because you love me". It is terrifying me that I give it my all. It is terrifying that I never falter in my kindness even when I've been kicked down thousands of times. It is terrifying that people have to ask me to devote myself to someone better, to someone that wouldn't hurt me. That despite it all, I love. I could never give up. I could never stop being that sweet kid even if i tried. Even if every force in the universe told me not to. I'd love whatever kicks me hardest in the mouth. I'll get nauseous and throw up and shake violently and my vision will get blurry but I'll never stop fighting for love. Is there really something so wrong with that? To care until your dying day, even for people who would never think twice about you? My ex-girlfriend never loved me back. You could even say I was never what she wanted in the first place. But she took my help and that's got to stand for something. Isn't that what matters? She took a part of me. Stuck in the cycle of perpetually being unwanted, all you can do is shape yourself into someone who is close enough. Someone who is always at their side, and you might not look the part, you might not be tall or beautiful or gendered or even look your age but they'll never be alone. That's what matters right? You spend your whole life thinking, "Who the hell would ever take this? Who the hell would take me?". She took a part of you. You'll play the role of forever guardian wherever you go. Good enough to be kept around but not enough to be wanted. Your only saving grace being that you are a dog with a dead animal in your mouth and you are there to feed the pack. You love, and love, and love, and everyone wonders why. Knowing that the tables will never turn in your favor but holding onto this pitiful hope that maybe one day, you'll receive the same devotion in return. That if you stand there long enough and look terrified that you might be investing all your energy into someone who would never do the same for you, they'd reassure you and tell you that wasn't true. That's not what I have. But I can dream. And if you asked me why I still loved I'd say it's because it's all I have left in me. All I have left in me is to be kind.