pondy

Believe it or not I’ve never actually seen that movie. I’ve never actually been able to finish a Ghibli movie, they just aren’t for me

BUT I know the basics of the movie? So here’s what I think

Cellbit is the dude with the moving goth castle and he’s goth and moody and stuff

Roier was an ordinary minimum wage worker when this evil fuckoff dude (aka Quackity) comes in and turns Roier into a rat because Roier and Cellbit flirted for 2.5 seconds over some fruit salad earlier

Roier’s like “oh shit I need a wizard to turn me back” so he goes looking for the Goth Castle Wizard

Cellbit doesn’t know who the fuck this rat is, but he appreciates there being someone to help clean the castle, so Ratoier gets to stay

[An au in which Roier retires as a hero when the man he was working up the nerve to ask out vanished into thin air in a factory explosion after a fight gone wrong. He never even got to find out Black Cat’s name, and now he never will…]

And so Pepito starts sneaking out of the house at night when Roier is sleeping, which is when Spider-Man used to be more active with his nightly patrols.

And then Roier won Pepito a little plush popcorn box at a fair because the lady running the stand was trying to cheat Pepito out of all Pepito’s tickets, and then Pepito decided that Apa Roier is the coolest guy EVER!!

So Pepito sneaks out every night, and Pepito barely ever gets hurt!

…Except one night when Pepito accidentally finds some really bad men in an alley picking on a cat. Pepito is scared, but he knows that Apa Roier would save the cat, and he knows that Spider-Man would save the cat, and so Pepito picks up a rock off the street and throws it at the biggest scariest guy, and Pepito RUNS.

But Pepito is small. So the men catch up to him, and Pepito’s arm is already broken in three places when his screaming gets the attention of a nearby hero- Daredevil, but the French one replacing the usual one while the usual one is on vacation or something. But it should’ve been Spider-Man, where is he???

In the hospital, Pepito gets scared of waiting for Apa Roier to come and get Pepito (because he can be scary when he’s angry), so Pepito sneaks out of the room when the officers outside aren’t looking, and Pepito makes a run for it down the hall.

He ends up in a dark room with one single person in it: a man, asleep, in a bed with long hair and a scar across his face. He looks… lonely.

So Pepito climbs onto the chair next to the man’s bed, and Pepito swings Pepito’s legs and holds the man’s hand until the nurses and officers barge into the room and drag Pepito out and to his very disappointed, surprisingly worried father.

(“What the fuck were you thinking?” Roier demands once they’re in the car.

Pepito just shrugs. He looks down at his lap and tries not to cry; Apa Roier doesn’t like when Pepito cries…

Roier lets out a frustrated breath before sighing. He reaches over and ruffles Pepito’s hair, his hand lingering briefly before moving back to the steering wheel.

The ride home is quiet for a while, and then, softly, Pepito speaks:

“Why didn’t Spider-Man save me?” Pepito asks.

Roier hides a wince. “Spider-Man… is a busy guy, you know? He can’t always be there to help every silly little Pepitito getting into trouble.”

Pepito’s mouth wavers at the nickname, but Pepito still sniffs and argues, “But he’s Spider-Man!”

“Even Spider-Man needs to-”

“They were being mean to the cat!”

Roier’s breath hitches.

He sucks in a harsh, ragged breath and lets it out slowly.

“I think that Spider-Man might just be sick, Pepinho,” Roier eventually says, “so you don’t need to worry about him, okay?”

“So he’s at the hospital?”

“Maybe.”

“Then we need to visit him. I want him to sign my cast.”

“We’ll see. Maybe he’s in a coma and dying.”

…Also, Pepito felt sad for that sleeping guy :( Nobody was there for him, so Pepito will be!!

So Pepito starts trying to sneak out to the hospital, much to Roier’s annoyance. He… cares. He’s trying to care, anyway, and that’s what he’s telling himself. Not that he actually cares (which he does, let’s be clear), but yeah.

Pepito stops sneaking out at night because his broken arm makes it hard to climb down the fire escape, but Pepito then starts escaping from school, and that’s a problem. A big one.

So Roier says this:

“Stop running away from school, you’ll end up as stupid as your Apa Mariana. We’ll go look at the hospital after dinner, okay?”

Which was supposed to be a one-day thing to try and calm Pepito down, but, nope. Pepito decides it’s an Every Day Thing.

And so Roier, who is literally Spider-Man, starts getting dragged to the hospital daily by his five-year-old child to look for a sick Spider-Man. The nurses think it’s cute, but Roier doesn’t care about the nurses. He cares about his missing, possibly-probably dead, homoerotic villain rival.

…At the end of every day of searching, Pepito pulls Roier to a comatose John Doe’s room to sit for fifteen minutes while Pepito tells John Doe all about Pepito’s day and about Spider-Man and about Pepito’s favorite shows and about Pepito’s Dad and how cool he is (but he only talks about that when Pepito doesn’t think Roier is listening.)

Apparently, this John Doe is in a coma. Has been for a long time since an accident that left him with burn scars down the side of his face and one of his arms. Several months, and nobody’s come looking for him. Nobody’s visited. It’s just been him and the doctors and the nurses.

They say that comatose people can hear what’s going on around them.

Roier looks at his kid talking with John Doe as Pepito has been doing for a few weeks now, and he wonders how the hell Pepito is so nice considering who his dad is.

(“I don’t think Spider-Man is here,” Pepito admits one day when Roier is out of the room in the bathroom. “I don’t know where he is. Apa Roier says he’s sick, but I think Apa Roier is trying to make himself feel better.”

The man doesn’t respond. He’s sleeping.

“I miss Spider-Man,” Pepito continues. “But Apa Roier misses him more.”

Pepito hums. “Nobody knows who Spider-Man is, right? So maybe if I tell Apa Roier that you’re Spider-Man then he’ll be happy again ‘cause that’ll mean that he found his hero!”

He perks up briefly before sighing in that sad way little kids do when they realize something horrible about the world, like that sleeping people are just that. Asleep. Dead to the world, and not actually superheroes.

“When you wake up, you GOTTA sign my cast,” Pepito declares, cheering himself up. “But you can’t sign it as Spider-Man. That’s Spider-Man’s job.”

But then Black Cat realized that the warehouse they were in was full of natural gas tanks ready to be shipped out to stores. And one stray bullet could set the entire warehouse ablaze.

And one stray bullet would.

Black Cat just barely managed to get Spider-Man’s attention, but it was almost too late. But they were close enough to each other and to the door that Black Cat just pushed Spider-Man out of the warehouse. He was on his way after him when the place blew up, and he got caught in the blast.

And Spider-Man could only watch.

Cut to current day. Roier is sitting in an uncomfortable hospital chair scrolling through TikTok while Pepito is outside in the hallway trying to find a nurse to get John Doe a new blanket because his is old and dusty and gross after months of use.

“You know,” Roier hears himself say, “I think I know who you are.”

They say coma patients can hear what’s going on in the outside world, but Roier’s pretty sure that this dude is braindead by now. So… no harm no foul, right?

He pauses his TikTok to comment on it before continuing speaking:

“You’re one of Kingpin’s guys, right? Sucks, man.”

He sucks in a sympathetic breath through his teeth, shakes his head at the memory.

“You’re gonna be pissed if you wake up. No one survived but us. And your boss is probably gonna kill you for fucking up whatever you guys were doing, R-I-P.”

He continues scrolling, but he isn’t quite paying attention anymore. Distantly, he can hear Pepito talking with a nurse outside in the hallway. Good, Pepito’s busy; Pepito doesn’t need to be hearing any of this.

“Like, we should be happy we’re fine, right?” Roier asks, not expecting a response and not getting one. “That explosion was insane! We’re lucky, right? But it also kinda sucks, you know? Survivor’s guilt and shit. That’s what Jaiden says, anyway, but I’m the therapist here and I say I’m fine.”

(He’s actually a therapists’ office’s secretary, but this guy doesn’t need to know that.)

His grip on his phone tightens minutely. “Fucking Black Cat. I kinda wish he got out instead of you, you know?”

He winces.

“Sorry. You’re already basically dead. He’d be, too, probably.” (A heavy sigh.) “But at least he’d be here.”

The door to the room slams open as Pepito and a nurse come skipping inside with fresh blankets for poor John Doe.

“Pepiux!” Roier cheers, pausing his video politely. “You’re just in time! I was telling him about Spider-Man, but that’s your job, isn’t it? Why did I have to do it, eh?”

Pepito gasps and jumps in where he assumes Roier left off. It’s a story about the time Spider-Man saved a train from falling from its tracks over the city using his webs and his webs alone, and the story is wrong in so many ways, but Roier doesn’t correct Pepito. Nah. He lets Pepito keep believing that Spider-Man got away from that with only a few bruises and not a broken shoulder and rope burns from his own webs that Roier still wears long sleeves to cover up years later.

And then Pepito goes quiet. Pepito looks down at the plush and its little stitched-on smile, and then Pepito looks up at John Doe.

“I used to have real bad dreams, but then Apa Roier got me this and the bad dreams stopped.”

A pause as Pepito runs Pepito’s hands over the plush’s face thoughtfully.

“Apa Roier says you’re gonna be asleep forever,” he continues. “He says that you’re dreaming.”

And then Pepito hops off of his chair and gets onto his toes to put his plushie on John Doe, right in the space between his arm and his torso.

“There. Now you won’t have any bad dreams.”

That night, Pepito shivers under Pepito’s covers as Pepito wakes up from a nightmare. And then, silent as a mouse, he slips from his bed and pads out into the main room of the apartment, where Roier lays asleep on the couch with the tv still on. He climbs on top of Roier and snuggles close with a sniffle, and he falls back asleep fitfully.

(But it’s fine, because Pepito did a good thing. Apa Roier rolled his eyes, but he said Pepito was very nice, if not a little stupid for giving up his Good Dream Giver to some random guy in the hospital. And Spider-Man would be proud, Pepito just knows it!!!)

Pepito gets some money out of Apa Roier’s Secret Money Hole beneath the couch, and he embarks on an epic quest to spend his birthday with one of his newest and bestest friends.

First, Pepito stops at a gas station and gets a popsicle. It looks like Spider-Man, so Pepito just kinda holds onto it like it’s a teddy bear until it starts to melt on the bus to the hospital. Then Pepito has to eat it quick, but he cries a little because he likes how the popsicle looks, not how it tastes :(

Upon getting to the hospital, Pepito is a little surprised to see John Doe’s room more busy than usual. Normally it’s just Pepito and Apa Roier and a nurse, but today there are two nurses!

The nurses smile at Pepito when Pepito pokes Pepito’s head into the room. They’re used to him by now, he’s been John Doe’s only real visitor this entire time.

Pepito is overjoyed to see that John Doe, still asleep, has had the popcorn plush tucked under his blanket with him. The nurses really are amazing!

Before too long, the nurses leave, their checkup done for the time being.

Pepito hops onto Pepito’s usual chair, and Pepito starts to talk.

“It’s my birthday,” Pepito says. “Apa Roier isn’t here, though. He’s working, but that’s fine. We’ll probably have cake tomorrow if he remembers to buy it.”

John Doe doesn’t respond. Of course he doesn’t, he’s asleep!

“I’m…” Pepito pauses to count on Pepito’s fingers. “…six today! Apa Roier says that that means I’m getting super old and that I’m gonna die soon just like his other son and his abuelo and his Tilin, but I’m not that old.”

Pepito looks at the white streaks in John Doe’s hair. He could’ve sworn than his hair was all brown, but maybe he’s getting older, too. (Do sleeping people age??)

Vaguely, Pepito recalls a picture of Black Cat that Apa Roier used to keep on their fridge and swear at. Black Cat’s hair is all white, but that’s probably because Black Cat was, like, super old.

“I’m only six,” Pepito says. “So Apa Roier says that I should stop caring about finding Spider-Man and grow up. But that doesn’t sound like fun. And who else is gonna look for him if I don’t? Nobody’s looking.”

Pepito thinks of Apa Roier’s heartbroken face when they watched the footage of Spider-Man’s last fight on the news. It was against Kingpin’s men, Pepito thinks, and then the building blew up.

He’s so caught up in his memories that he doesn’t notice John Doe’s eyes moving beneath his eyelids, nor does he notice the subtle shifting of his lips as he tries to speak for the first time in over half a year.

[Cellbit’s throat is hoarse and his body feels as heavy as an anchor, but…]

Pepito jumps as he hears someone cough.

Eyes widening, Pepito looks at John Doe just in time to hear him mumble a tired and slurred, “Spider-Man is missing?”

When the nurses run into the room, one comments that John Doe must be the luckiest man alive.

Spider-Man is a hero. And Cellbit… isn’t. He’s a cat burglar, both literally and in the metaphorical sense. He steals mistreated cats and takes them to the vet. He breaks into people’s homes and steals every piece of jewelry he can find. Once upon a time, he was a killer.

That was back when he abused his luck, and now look at him: fresh out of a coma and too tired to even blink.

But he cracks his eyes open, anyway, just to catch a glimpse of the kid who’s been visiting him in the hospital for the past several months. It hurts, but it’s worth it because the kid is smiling.

It’s the kid’s birthday. Cellbit wishes he could tell them “Happy birthday! I think you saved my life by visiting me and keeping the doctors from pulling the plug!”

But all he manages is a groan as the nurses adjust more of his tubes. Ouch, who knew almost dying hurt so much?

The kid stays put through it all. Where’s their dad? Working, right?

Cellbit heard maybe 75% of what was told to him while he was in his coma. He remembers maybe 10% of that. He remembers… voices. One child, and one adult. One very familiar-sounding adult, but familiar from where?

“This is the best birthday ever!” the kid exclaims.

One of the nurses shushes them, but Cellbit just smiles.

(“You should help me find Spider-Man,” Pepito tells the man when most of the nurses are gone.

The man chuckles weakly, his head lolling to the side.

“What about your dad?” he croaks. “Isn’t he helping?”

“He says that Spider-Man is dead, but I don’t believe him because Spider-Man is Spider-Man! He can’t die!”

“You’re right,” the man agrees. His eyes are still shut, but Pepito thinks they’d be sharing right into Pepito’s soul if they were open.

“So you gotta help me! If we’re both looking, we’ve gotta find him!”

“I don’t think I can even walk.”

“I’ll just get Apa Roier to drive us. He’s a super good driver. Or the nurses can give you a wheelchair!”

The man hums. “Maybe.”

He musters his strength to clutch the popcorn plush closer, and then he lets out a quiet moan of pain once he’s done moving.

“Lucky for you, I’m a bit of a detective,” he groans, and Pepito’s eyes light up.

“You don’t need to look for Spider-Man,” Roier tells Pepito, “because Spider-Man is dead. I watched him die, Pepiniux, that’s why I’m sad.”

He wipes Pepito’s tears and hugs him and runs his hand through Pepito’s hair. (He tells himself that he doesn’t care, but he’s never been able to stand by while a child cries. That’s why he started hero-ing in the first place, not that Pepito or anybody else knows that.)

“You need to stop looking before you make yourself sad, okay?” Roier says. “If you cry too much, your face is going to get stuck like that and you’ll be ugly forever.”

Pepito immediately stops crying. Or, well, Pepito tries, but Pepito is also six. It’s very hard for six year olds to regulate their own emotions.

Apa Roier lets Pepito sleep in bed with him that night, but Pepito can’t sleep, because Pepito can’t stop thinking about the man in the hospital and how he and Pepito are supposed to find Spider-Man and now Pepito has to tell him that Spider-Man is dead!! He’ll be so sad he’ll fall back asleep again and he won’t wake up and it’ll be all Pepito's fault :(

Now, Pepito is super grounded and can’t go anywhere but school. But Pepito has to see John Doe and tell him the bad news before he finds out the hard way, so Pepito hatches a master plan.

At recess, Pepito flings himself off of the monkey bars and ‘accidentally’ hurts his arm to the point of having to go to the hospital. And it hurts, yeah, but it’s worth it because now John Doe can actually sign his cast! (His last broken arm healed before John Doe woke up, unfortunately.)

As soon as the cast is on and the nurse has left the room with the doctor to call Apa Roier, Pepito sneaks out of the room and runs to John Doe’s room. But the name on the chart outside isn’t John Doe anymore, it’s ‘Cellbit’. Is that his name? Or is it his disease, the one that made him sleep for a long time?

Pepito bursts into the room, startling a sleeping ‘Cellbit’ awake.

Cellbit looks confused, and then he sees the fresh cast on Pepito’s arm and he just looks sad.

“What happened?” he asks.

Pepito’s lip wobbles, and tears start to well up in his eyes, and ‘Cellbit’ has approximately three seconds to prepare before Pepito is sobbing uncontrollably in the middle of the room.

“S-Spider-Man’s dead!” Pepito wails, practically launching himself into Cellbit’s bed because Pepito is, after all, six years old. These are big emotions for someone so small.

“What?” Cellbit breathes. Mindful of the wires and tubes sticking out of him, he gently pulls Pepito into a hug. (No…)

Pepito nods frantically. “Apa Roier told me that he’s dead and he watched it and that’s why he’s sad so we can’t find him and- and he’s dead and that’s why nobody can find him and-”

As if on cue, both a nurse- worried about the sudden activity and noise- and an Apa Roier- worried about his son with the broken arm- run into the room.

Roier looks at Pepito.

Pepito looks at Cellbit.

Cellbit looks at Roier.

Roier looks at Cellbit.

“You actually woke up?” Roier asks, visibly shocked.

Cellbit nods mutely. He’s got a weird feeling in the back of his mind, something fuzzy and prickly and unfamiliar and not quite unwelcoming.

And then Pepito reaches his arms out for his dad and Roier rushes to scoop him up. So this is Pepito’s dad… the mysterious ‘Apa Roier’.

Cellbit has a hard time sitting up most days still, but he still asks the nurse for help sitting the bed up for him, supposedly so he can see the tv better. As she does so, he reaches into her pockets and swipes a notebook and pen, and he hides them until she’s gone. (He was a professional thief, after all.)

And once Roier and Pepito are gone, Cellbit starts doing what he does best.

Something about Cellbit makes Roier’s skin crawl. His stomach twists, and his lungs ache, and he almost wonders if Cellbit is a metahuman without knowing it. Maybe his power is, like, poison. Or something.

But Pepito likes him, and so Roier finds himself awkwardly sitting in an uncomfortable chair on his phone as Pepito and Cellbit talk about Spider-Man. Because of course Cellbit is a Spider-Man fan, of course he is.

Every day, Roier sits in his chair, and he listens to the man responsible for Black Cat’s disappearance talk about how cool Spider-Man is. How powerful he is. Strong. Clever. Heroic.

Cellbit was supposed to die. He wasn’t supposed to wake up! That’s why Roier talked to him about the explosion all those weeks ago, and Roier doesn’t know if Cellbit remembers that conversation or not and it’s bugging the hell out of him because this one man could risk Roier’s secret identity and his safety and his son’s safety. Because Kingpin is going to realize that his missing guy is alive, and he is not going to be happy about the failed mission or the prolonged leave of absence.

So Roier leaves the talking to Pepito. Cellbit gives him the shivers, ugh.

But then Pepito has to run to use the bathroom one day, and Cellbit asks, “How did Spider-Man die?”

Roier doesn’t look up from his phone. TikTok, yay.

“He fell,” Roier replies. Because, well, he almost did. “His webs slipped.”

Cellbit hums as if he doesn’t believe him, which makes sense. The idea of Spider-Man falling to death is kinda insane (even if Roier does know the truth.)

“When?” Cellbit asks.

Roier shrugs and scrolls to the next video. “A while ago. I don’t like thinking about it.”

“I don’t blame you. That sounds…”

“Super traumatic? Yeah, I know. It’s why I didn’t tell Pepito. It’d break his heart, RIP.”

(And it did.)

“Yeah, that makes sense. I mean, he’s just a kid. Imagine telling a kid that their hero is dead, that’s horrible.”

“Tell me about it. All he did was cry all night.”

Roier groans and throws his head back, eyes slipping shut momentarily as he remembers Pepito curled into his chest and sobbing so hard Pepito was dry heaving. Poor kid nearly threw up, Jesus.

“But at least he didn’t have to watch it,” Roier continues. “Because he just… fell. Like a rock. What a fucking hero, ammiright?”

He cracks an eye open and glances at Cellbit, who has both of his eyes trained on his own hands in his lap.

“He was a hero,” Cellbit quietly says. “He saved my life. A couple times, actually. I owe him.”

Roier frowns. He doesn’t remember saving anyone like Cellbit, but he’s also been trying to forget his time as Spider-Man. Maybe Cellbit is one of the lucky ones to be forgotten.

“He was kind of a dick,” Roier says.

“So am I. Doesn’t mean he deserved to die.”

Roier blinks. He looks back down at his phone.

Pepito is SO HAPPY! Because now they can get to work finding Spider-Man’s killer!

(Cellbit let it slip one day that he was going to try and find whoever killed his favorite superhero, and Pepito wouldn’t stop begging, and Cellbit really needs to learn how to say no to this kid. He was bad enough with his own before…)

But, oh no! Cellbit was in a coma for so long that he doesn’t have anywhere to live! Or any food, or any money, or any clothes, or any friends…

“You can have my bed,” Pepito earnestly offers, never one to leave a friend in need (despite said friend being 20 years older than him.)

Cellbit smiles and ruffles Pepito’s hair. “That’s very nice of you, Pepito, but I don’t think I could fit in your bed.”

“Oh.” Pepito slumps briefly before perking back up with a smile. “You can have Apa Roier’s bed!”

“What?” Roier annoyedly asks, finally looking up from his phone. “Nuh-uh. It’s my bed, he can find his own.”

“But he doesn’t have any money!” Pepito argues.

And, now, Cellbit technically has options. He has his sister… who he isn’t on speaking terms with. And he has Pac… who he isn’t on speaking terms with. And he has Bad… who he isn’t on speaking terms with.

So Cellbit quietly excuses himself from his own hospital bed to start packing up the few things he has- mostly gifts from Pepito and Roier- in a plastic grocery bag.

It’s as he’s sneaking (read: limping, because he’s still relearning how to walk) out of his own hospital room that he’s grabbed by the back of his collar and gently tugged back into the room.

“You aren’t supposed to be walking yet, pendejo!” Roier snaps. He grabs Cellbit’s wheelchair- hospital provided- by the handle and pulls it over.

Cellbit sits, and he says, “You really don’t need to worry about me. I’m sure I can figure something out.”

“Apa,” Pepito begs, turning on the saddest puppy-eyes Roier’s ever seen on him, “please? He’s homeless.”

And then, in an act of desperation, Pepito adds, “Spider-Man would let him stay.”

“Spider-Man is dead,” Roier huffs, though, really, he knows he’s been beat. “But Cellbit can have the couch I guess.”

And thus Cellbit finds himself living in a complete stranger’s apartment and acting as a live-in babysitter. But, hey, it’s a roof over his head, even if Roier makes his head spin sometimes.

…But let it be said that Cellbit doesn’t end up on the couch. Because Roier took one look at this poor disheveled man in a wheelchair (that Cellbit somehow managed to steal from the hospital under the discharge nurse’s nose) and then he looked at his lumpy old couch, and he let out a sigh:

“You can have my bed.”

“What?” Cellbit asks. “No, I can’t. This is fine.”

He tries shifting over to the couch, but he’s stopped by Roier grabbing his shoulder and loosely forcing him to sit again.

“This couch is shit, man,” Roier says. “I can’t let you sleep on it, that’s a one-way ticket to Hell.”

Cellbit frowns. “Well, I’m not kicking you out of your bed. That’s a ticket to Hell.”

Roier shrugs. “Fine. We can share it.”

Cellbit’s words catch in his throat, and that’s how he manages to land himself a bed to sleep in… even if he is sharing it with someone he thinks kinda super hates him.

It’s nice having someone to help with chores, even if Cellbit is still trying to get his strength back after being in a coma for so long. But God it’s awkward having to share a bed with him, mostly because Roier had kinda always imagined sharing a bed with Black Cat, leather outfit and mask and fake tail and all. (But- and he won’t tell anybody this- sometimes it’s easy to pretend with all the white streaks in Cellbit’s hair.)

But what’s annoying is the way Cellbit sometimes seems to look straight through Roier sometimes, like he can see Roier’s ugly rotten little soul. But then he always blinks and shakes his head and goes back to his notebook, because he’s absolutely obsessed with Spider-Man. It’s kinda flattering? But, really, Roier is kinda just confused because this is one of Kingpen’s men… who wants to get revenge for Spider-Man’s death. (His “death”.)

(“He’ll get what he deserves,” Cellbit explains.

They’re doing the dishes after dinner… meaning that Roier is washing the dishes and Cellbit is drying them at the kitchen table because he can’t stand for too long. Pepito is on his iPad, dead to the world.

Roier snorts. “What, you think a woman couldn’t have killed Spider-Man?”

“No, women are usually better killers than men,” Cellbit replies, very matter-of-fact. “I’ve just been doing my research, that’s all.”

Apa Roier and Señor Celbi are married!

…Which makes Cellbit Pepito’s brand-new Apa Celbi!

Best realization ever!!

So Pepito starts talking about how his dad got married at school, and how he got married to the guy from the hospital that Pepito kept talking about earlier in the year- his new Apa Celbi, and, eventually, one very important person hears about this, and his name is Richarlyson, and he is ten years old, and he immediately punches Pepito in the face and calls him a liar, because his Pai Cellbit wouldn’t get married without him there!!!

Pepito doesn’t tell Roier any of this. Pepito doesn’t want to make Roier upset again, because he’s been happier since Cellbit moved in. He’s been smiling more, and he’s even started shaving again- the first time he’s really done so since adopting Pepito. He’s happy, and Pepito doesn’t wanna be the one to make him sad again, so Pepito says nothing about the Incident.

Pepito isn’t even angry. He’s mostly just confused, because he doesn’t know Richarlyson. He also doesn’t know how or why Richarlyson decided that Pepito’s Cellbit is the same as his dead dad, ‘cause everyone in the school knows that Richarlyson’s dad is super dead except for Richarlyson.

But who cares about Richarlyson? Pepito is just happy to have two whole (married!!!) dads to love. Pepito even thinks that they love him back!! That’s amazing!!!!!

(Yeah, but then a detective shows up at Roier’s job flashing her badge around and demanding he tell her the location of her brother, and Roier knows for a fact that Cellbit has never mentioned having a family, and he remembers him and Pepito being the only ones to visit Cellbit in the hospital, and this is how Roier decides that he can still be a hero to at least one person.

Roier talks to the cop, but, underneath his desk and hidden by the counter and window between the two of them, Roier texts his dad, the Chief of Police, Foolish, about there being a cop bothering him and misusing her badge for a personal Thing instead of anything official.

And thus Roier makes an enemy of Detective Bagi, who has decided that her brother’s kidnapper will be harder to deal with than she thought.

Pepito arrives home from school to an empty apartment. Apa Celbi left a note on the table saying he and Apa Roier are at physical therapy, so Pepito just gets himself a snack and settles in on the couch to watch videos on his iPad. Pepito is sure to throw the note away, though, because Pepito knows that Apa Roier doesn’t like there being a mess in the kitchen (it distracts him when he’s cooking.)

But then:

Roier and Cellbit get home an hour later to an empty apartment and blood spattered across the carpet.

Morbius is an expert hypnotist, after all. And he remembers Cellbit being a fighter, so it’s just easier for everyone involved for Morbius to send Cellbit to sleep before forcibly rescuing (not kidnapping!!!) him.

But then Morbius gets back to HQ- aka, Pac and Mike’s apartment- and Pac takes one look at the child in Morbius’ arms, and Pac lets out the longest, most tense breath imaginable.

“Bad,” he slowly says, one breath away from a panic attack. “That isn’t Cellbit.”

And Bad looks down at the kid, and he thinks that maybe his memory loss is getting ahead of him again.

“Whoops!” he cheerfully says.

Coincidentally, it’s been almost a year since Black Cat’s disappearance. And now, instead of Spider-Man and Black Cat teaming up to take down the villain of the week, it’s Roier and Cellbit sitting on their couch staring at the wall and trying to figure out why somebody would want to kidnap Pepito.

Cellbit is leaned forward with his cane upright and held between his hands and knees. He rolls it idly in his palms, deep in thought. (His physical therapists have finally allowed him to move from his wheelchair to a cane, and he was kind enough to return the wheelchair to the hospital. That’s why he and Roier took so long getting home, and now Pepito is gone, and-)

Roier, though? His nerves are on fire. His son has been kidnapped, and he legitimately can’t think of why. Like. Pepito???

The blood isn’t normal, Roier can tell that, at least. There isn’t a lot of it, either. It’s oddly dark and thin and it’s only spattered across a small section of the carpet near the couch.

“Pepito bit them,” Cellbit muses, eyeing the blood. “Then they subdued him.”

Roier groans and slumps to the side, squeezing his eyes shut and hiding his face in Cellbit’s shoulder. “Please don’t say ‘subdued’. Bad vibes.”

“Sorry.” (Cellbit lightly pats Roier on the back; his hand lingers.) “They put him to sleep.”

Roier grumbles and smacks Cellbit’s arm. He sits up and stares down at the blood.

If he was Spider-Man, then he’d be able to swing all over the city looking. It’d take a couple hours, but he knows he’d find Pepito. Spidey Senses and stuff.

But he isn’t Spider-Man. Because Spider-Man died when Black Cat did, and it’s too late to bring him back now. Roier is rusty. He’s useless. (Couldn’t even save him before the explosion, couldn’t even save him before the kidnapping, couldn’t even save him before the roof fell in and crushed them before beneath it.)

Cellbit huffs out a dry laugh. “Sorry.”

“Nah, it’s fine.”

“I’m not sorry about the joke. I… I think I know who took Pepito.”

Roier looks at him.

Cellbit’s mouth is pulled into a thin line. The way his fingers are curled around his cane almost makes it look like he has claws, but that isn’t right. Can’t be.

“And I’m sorry because they look him because of me,” Cellbit says, and, somehow, Roier knows it to be true.

He puts a hand on Cellbit’s knee. “Hey, it’s fine. We’ll get him back. And we’ll beat their asses.”

Cellbit sighs and shakes and hangs his head. “No, we won’t. We can’t. He’s too strong, and you’re just a civilian, and-”

“Who’s too strong, what? Cellbo?”

“Morbius,” Cellbit snaps. He stands, then, eyes flashing with annoyance. “I pissed him and the others off, and they took your son, and- and I’m sorry.”

Morbius. Half-vampire vigilante, ugh. Roier hates that guy!

But what did Cellbit do to piss him off this bad? Since when did Morbius deal with Kingpin’s men?

“Dude,” Roier says, standing as well. He walks right up to Cellbit and grabs him by his upper arms and forces him to look him in the eyes. “It’s fine. We’ll get him back. We’ve got this!”

He tries a smile and even sorta succeeds.

Cellbit sighs and looks away, a hint of a smile on his face. “And I’m really sorry about this. I’ll pay you back, I promise.”

Uh oh, Spidey Senses are tingling.

Roier frowns, his grip on Cellbit tightening. “What the fuck, why? Cellbit?”

Cellbit lets out a breath, and then he looks up at the ceiling lights.

Roier flinches back in surprise as the lights explode, plunging the apartment into darkness. Shards of plastic and glass rain down upon him as he tries to pull Cellbit closer instinctively, but-

“For the window, sorry,” Cellbit replies, and then, with surprising agility considering how fucked his muscles still are after that coma, he neatly twirls out of Roier’s hold like a fish in the water.

His eyes seem to glow in the darkness as he winks.

Roier’s breath catches as he fucking recognizes that wink, and he lunges to grab Cellbit and hold him the fuck still, but it’s too late, just as it always has been with them.

Cellbit dodges out of the way and runs for the window. He smashes it open with the handle of his cane. No hesitation, and then? He jumps.

Roier shouts and runs for the window- (no not again not again)- but there’s no hint of Cellbit outside. It’s a ten-story drop, and there isn’t a fire escape. Not on this part of the building, it’s by Pepito’s room.

Roier breathes. And then he cracks a wet, teary smile, and he laughs. He’s fine. He’s fine!!! What the fuck!! He’s fine!!!!

It’s Melissa’s wedding day, and she’s already halfway done escaping out the window when a dark shadow falls over her kingdom. Before she knows it, she’s being scooped up by demonic magic and spirited away to the Demon Realm to be held prisoner by the Demon King until her kingdom agrees to stay the fuck out of his land and leave him alone.

Or, well. That’s what’s supposed to happen.

Because, see, Melissa isn’t actually Melissa. The “princess” is actually Prince Roier, who’s been going by Melissa in public in order to allow him to escape from the castle and pretend to be a normal person. But the problem with this is that, well, nobody knows of a Prince Roier. Just a Princess Melissa.

And Roier is sick and tired of royal life. He never really wanted to marry Quackity, and Quackity only sort of wanted to marry him. But there are “rules” and “agreements” and, really, it’s all too much bullshit for Roier to deal with. So he’s glad he got kidnapped! At least in the Demon Realm he can get some goddamn sleep!

But, unfortunately for Roier, the Demon Realm isn’t quite as fancy as his castle back home. The beds suck, the food sucks, the water’s always cold, and it’s so freaking lonely down in the dungeons! It’s almost like he’s being held prisoner or something!

Luckily, Roier is ridiculously resourceful. Every night when the rest of the Demon Castle is asleep, he switches from his Melissa Outfit into his Roier Outfit and he sneaks out of his cell and steals food and sheets and pillows and everything nice just to make his room in the dungeons that much more comfortable.

He doesn’t usually run into anybody, but, one night, he ends up running from some guards and hiding in a library that he’s never seen before. This is fine, but. But there’s someone else there, seemingly also hiding from the guards behind some dusty old bookshelves. Hot. Sexy, even, complete with spooky eyes and fucking cat ears, of all things.

He looks at Roier. Roier looks at him. They come to a mutual agreement to leave each other alone, and that’s that.

Except maybe Roier starts sneaking around even more just to see this mysterious hot demon guy again. He doesn’t know who he is, but he’s definitely worth the risk.

And Cellbit wasn’t there at the kidnapping, a pre-recorded magical Demon Projection of him was, so he can’t like. Argue.

So Roier starts dragging Cellbit along on his quests to Make “Melissa’s” Dungeon Room Fancy, and he doesn’t notice literally every Demon Citizen in the Demon Castle and beyond in the Demon Wastes shrinking back and hiding every time they realize that it’s the Demon King Cellbit being dragged along by the hand behind this strange idiotic human.

SPOILERS BELLOW!!

(And a solid - comforting - weight on top of him.)

He doesn’t need to open his eyes to know his husband is at least half sprawled on top of him, if not entirely. He doesn’t need to open his eyes to start smiling to himself already, arms coming to a snug hold against Cellbit’s back.

paint! :D

(13rd July)

And then someone said "Quackity has been gone for 2 months" and I was like: oh yeah... That also happened

here is the mini cellbit animatic i made using my fanart of the fic “Blood Balloon” ! music is drifting time replaced from stage 3 of everywhere at the end of time