positively polyamorous

Anyways, needs concerning sex and physical affection are very real and it can be extremely discouraging and frustrating when your partners aren't receptive, especially over long spans of time or on a consistent basis.

In my opinion anon should sit down and figure out what their needs are. Is this a problem that you feel you need to address? Are there are stressors or unresolved issues that are preventing your partners from being comfortable engaging in sex? Are there miscommunications or signaling problems?You need to talk to your partners individually and calmly communicate to them about this. Being able to talk openly and honestly about sex with your partner is key to maintaining a healthy sex life. None of you are mind readers, it's important that you check in with each other on what makes you uncomfortable, what you like, what you want, etc.

This concerns your wants and/or needs, and finding solutions. But you also need to consider your partner's wants and needs. It shouldn't be about making your partners feel like they've wronged you. No one responds well to feeling pressured into sex. It shouldn't be a "why won't you fuck me" conversation, it should be more like "I'm unhappy with our sex life lately, how can we work together on this issue?"

Even if you hurt other people in the past, or been the kind of person that you really don’t respect, you can always make the decision to change. The tips below might be helpful for this.

1. Look for the good in the people that you meet, and try to empathise, and understand others’ viewpoints.

2. Remind yourself of this: “That it’s not all about you” … and the feelings and the wishes of others matter too.

3. Be polite; try saying “thank you”; and don’t take people for granted. What they did took thought and effort, and it’s nice to be acknowledged.

4. Think before you speak. This will save a lot of grief. For once those words are spoken, they cannot be taken back. They may never be forgotten, and can haunt you later on.

5. Check your tone of voice and the words you choose to use. These can cause misunderstandings, or create a bad impression.

6. Don’t gossip about others; look for things to praise instead.

7. Don’t take the bait and be pulled into arguments. Just let the comment go. You don’t need to rise to that.

It’s okay to set boundaries and make space for yourself, no matter what! My recommendation is to do concrete things to get that space, rather than just ask for it in the abstract.

Make plans with your friends, or for some alone-time, and put them on your calendar. If your partner asks you to get together or be on the phone with them during that time, say, “I’m sorry, I can’t do that - I have other plans.” You always have the right to set your own schedule! You can suggest sharing your Google calendar with him, so he can see whether you’ll be free; or asking for hangouts to be planned in advance, or whatever works for you. If your partner throws a fit, tries to guilt or manipulate you into leaving your plans for him, or otherwise doesn’t respect your very reasonable boundaries, that is a serious red flag that the relationship isn’t healthy for you. 

Does your partner have a therapist or other support system? Try talking to them about making a plan to get support from someone other than you. You can say, “It feels like lately you’ve needed a lot of support from me, especially when it comes to your depression and anxiety. I care about you and want to be there for you, but I’m not a professional, and I don’t want you to just be stuck suffering if I can’t be there for you. Let’s brainstorm some strategies for how you can get support in different ways that don’t rely on my availability.” That could be identifying some other people he can talk to; or having you write him some affirmations he can read over any time he wants; or him setting up some self-soothing techniques like taking a long shower, coloring, etc. 

the normalization of jealousy as an indicator of love

the idea that a sufficiently intense love is enough to overcome any practical incompatibilities

the idea that you should meet your partner’s every need, and if you don’t, you’re either inadequate or they’re too needy

the idea that a sufficiently intense love should cause you to cease to be attracted to anyone else

the idea that commitment is synonymous with exclusivity

the idea that marriage and children are the only valid teleological justifications for being committed to a relationship

the idea that your insecurities are always your partner’s responsibility to tip-toe around and never your responsibility to work on

the idea that your value to a partner is directly proportional to the amount of time and energy they spend on you, and it is in zero-sum competition with everything else they value in life

dont check up on your ex partner

dont check up on your ex friend

dont do it

it is not productive

emotional abuse victims who have been forced to do or say or be things you never wanted to, i love you.

emotional abuse victims who have been gaslighted and manipulated to the point where you no longer know what is real, i care for you.

emotional abuse victims who are told they will never be loved by anyone else and they are not a good person, you are amazing.

emotional abuse victims who feel manipulative and often catch themselves mirroring actions of their abusers and feel sick to their stomachs because theyre “turning into them”, you are not them and never will be. you are so much better than that.

emotional abuse victims who have to live every day suffering because nobody understands how messed up you are from what they said or did or made you do, you arent alone.