Being home hurts. Realizing the growth I've missed, the friends I've lost, the opportunities wasted. The ones that got away, the mess I've become. The resentment for being sent away. The smiles faked at the "you've come so far", "grown so much", "are in such a great place". Where have I gotten, exactly? I own a home, but work paycheck to paycheck to pay for it. Grown in what way? I'm sober, but my health is worse than before, anxiety hold me so tight that I can't drive, and literally have no friends to lean on. My great place? Breaking down daily when no one can hear me, hating myself more than I ever thought possible, watching the world from my closed windows.
Finally forming a relationship with my absent father, for him to be diagnosed with cancer again. Owing him money to keep me stuck. Finding out that even though he has millions, he said that paying for a second semester was not part of the deal and demanding my mom pay for a semester of college- as if he's not the second half of what forced me out there. Fearing that if I move back home, I'll just be another on my sister's list of people to abandon her. If anything happens to our dad, the responsibilities will crush me. Not being able to create my own family, yet the looming threat of having to take on the responsibility of a teenager, my grandmother, a business, a new household.
My dad, the one that raised me, is now showing his mortality. To lose my bio dad will hurt, to lose my real dad, will absolutely crush me. Watching him push us all away, yet becoming the old him at the same time is hard enough. He's pretending nothing's wrong, assumes no one would care if he dies, and I can't say anything because I'm not supposed to know.
I miss my old life. I miss when things fit. I miss the chaos. I miss the confidence. I miss my friends. Sadly, I miss the old me. God, I hated her so much - I never imagined growth would hurt like this.
My home, my safe space, now feels like a reminder of everything I had, everything I've lost, and I'm so resentful for these "opportunities" I was forced into, and so angry that I have to pretend to be proud of the life I've built when truly I feel as though it's amounted to nothing.
What a failure.
