Love is an Arbitrary Autopsy Demonstration Performed by God.
And as God shone His light unto me, the only thought left to ponder was "why dost Thou mock me so?" Thy lights are beautiful, but they are blinding. Thou offer whispers of sweet nothings, of hope and peace A meer disguise for the affair Thou had with greed and abuse.
Thine other children doth praise me for being Thy strongest soldier, having seen Thou place Thy heaviest burdens upon my shoulders. "Blessed are those who carry another's burden, His Divinity has blessed thee with immeasurable strength!" For years, I assumed this true. That the generosity I gave to another was a marker that I shone lightly in Thine eye, that I was becoming worthy of Thine affections. I come to find now that I am not strong enough to lift the weights Thou stack higher upon me. My place in Thine eye has long since been removed. My limit to lift more faded long ago. I am sinking, no longer fit to be among the strong.
Unless this was never about strength. was this another lie conjured to keep me subservient to the idea that Thou love me? Dost Thou truely wish to grant Divine Blessing to those capable of taking on burdens far greater than them? Or dost Thou seek pleasure in preying upon the weak? "His light shines upon thee! His Divine Plan is His will embodied. He means only to lead you down the correct path." A 'comfort' told by Thy children for each misstep I take on the road of shattered glass Thou paved for me. A tale told to ensure I understand that the bad times are not without reason, that walking barefoot along this road would be worth it, that the blood my splintered soles have left behind will have meaning at the end of the line.
I beseech Thou; Why much each lesson Thou teach me be so cruel? Why much each hardship I encounter be amplified tenfold? What have I done to deserve divine punishment? Am I so sinful in the eyes of my creator that my value is worth less than the other creations Thy make? Dost Thou find it humerous to watch me bend and break to recieve a scrap of the affections you give them? Dost Thou enjoy how painful it is for me to watch Thou break me further for your own entertainment?
Thy children pray to you each day, giving thanks for the gifts Thou provide for them. Her father no longer sick, their family free of the tight grips of poverty, his life saved from the ruins of a car accident. I pray each day to be granted the same mercy. I pray to Thou each day for the miracle of forgiveness. Forgiveness for a sin I did not commit, pity for the way Thy children have mocked my very soul. But Thy light never shone upon me in my greatest times of need. I watched from the shadows as it shone upon the children who have long since forsaken me, watched as you praised their attempts to shatter my very being. Thy divinity is praised by Thy children, yet I find myself less willing to kneel. I had assumed bending to Thy Will was doing Thou a kindness, but I see now that is not the truth. Thou seek admiration. Thou wish me to grovel at Thy feet. I am Thine own flesh and blood but Thou only see a dog. I am a lowly hound gnawing your ankle down to the bone for a mere scrap of attention after each desperate plea was ignored. Why must I be punished for forcing Thy light upon me when all attempts to ask nicely have only ever been met with Thy contempt?
Thou abuse Thy Will to force me through unimaginable anguish, Thou tried to tie my hands behind my back to remind me never to fight back. But Thine attempts only taught me to fight with my teeth. The lesson I have learned from Thy cruelty is that Thy love is transactional. I am only worthy so long as loving Thou does not fulfill my own needs. Causing heartache after heartache, rock bottom after rock bottom. All was worth my agony so long as I could see Thou smile. I am lovable if I agree, I am worthy if I stay silent and expect no change. I'm worth it if I allow you to further break me without question. I come to Thou, sat in your palm as my bones bend and break, tearing the muscle from its flesh. I smile at Thou, knowing that at last, I'd be loved. One last plea to love me. I scream, bearing my teeth like a rabid mutt convulsing as the agony takes me over, eyes becoming blurry as the tears roll down what used to be my face. I howl, begging that for once, Thou will hear me. I hath been praised for letting my hands be tied. Thou snicker at me for adapting to preserve my last remaining shred of humanity. Thou hast cast me from your light. I am depleted of my worth. It was so easy for you to discard me. So why is it so hard to discard the thought of you? Each glass I throw at the wall in honour of Thy purity. Each photograph I shred to dust to discard the memory of each heartache. Each substance I abuse to mend the holes you left within me. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. When my time to ascend to the pearly gates has come, Thine armies will stand no chance to protect you. Each punishment Thou gifts to me shall serve only to fuel my undying hatred of the person Thou turned out to be. Thou hast finally met Thy match, and Thou had best prepare; For the years spent with Thou have overprepared me for you.
