Ugh,,,, don’t mind me ranting I’m just going through sad boi hours atm keep scrolling.
I hate unrequited love. It’s so painful because every interaction you have with the person you love just gives you little sparks of hope that they might like you back,, but they never have and never will... I hate it cause this is what I always do to myself..
The only “relationships” that I’ve had have been one where a girl wanted to try out the whole “lesbian thing” (this was before I was out). And the other was long distance and boy oh boy was that fucking painful. The tension got to the point where we broke up after I didn’t message her for a day. One. Single. Day.
All other feelings I’ve had for people have never been returned. I’m so tired of falling in love, it hurts so bad. It hurts so fucking bad.
The first spark of a crush is so lovely and it feels like you could just stay in that space forever, with them. Then reality sets in and you know that none of your fantasies are real, none of them will come true. No being alone together with the only words being spoken are the speeches of body language as you touch each other. Holding hands and giggling along with jokes and stories, laughter melting away all anxiety. Being in each other’s warm embrace, even when everyone is watching. Especially when everyone is watching.
When I was with my crush I felt safe. I stopped my bad habits, like biting my nails, pulling my hair, biting th inside of my cheeks. Now that I’m not in their presence I do all of that so much more, and I think it’s worse than before.
The worst feeling though, is the thought that the next time I see them. They’ll probably have met someone they feel for, how I feel for them. I’m afraid they’ll say “hey OP meet my S/O!” And that I’ll hurt so bad but I’ll have to be so happy for them...
My least favorite part about unrequited love, is that no matter how much pain I’m in. I still hang on. Because just the thought of them is intoxicating. I collect every shred of hope that maybe they like me back.
I’m sure though... that like all ways.
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