She/they

I'm pretty sure my last post was me bemoaning being alive or whatever, I'm doing better now i think but it's hard.

I'm tempted to just start whinging again but too much of that can only do so much.

ive been job hunting for a while now and it sucks but ive got a roof over my head which is more than most so yeah.

I had been helping out a friend with bills recently (for like maybe a month or two? unsure) but ive stopped doing that now cuz if some personal stuff. Idk i hope he's going to be all right.

It seems childish to write this down but i made some new friends recently, as usual with me i started (mutually) flirting fairly soon so its pretty fun; tho i have been worrying a lot about how people view me and if im bothering them or not. It helps to remind myself that if i truly was they'd fuck off or we wouldn't be that good of a friend anyway.

Despite this I'm still alive tho I'm still stuck with a near ever-present feeling of loneliness that i think I'm just gonna have to live with. I don't know if ive always felt this way but im 19 now and it feels like ive had it for most of my life at this point. it sounds silly to say since im still pretty young, but this is my blog fuck you.

Earlier i mentioned getting into a fight with a friend (sort of) he said something silly like id do a good wheatley impression or some bollocks and it just absolutely broke my dysphoria and i just sobbed for an hour. God i hate that i fid that but it happened, I'm still gonna try and suppirt my friend with what i can but after the next two months i just can't.

at the end of the day i just wish i could be with my friends more and help them out with life and stuff ig.

i am getting better tho, im learning how to play vtm so i can play with some friends and yeah. theres also a dnd game with my warhammer friends coming up soon

i think im happy to be alive, or at least i want to be.

Very recently I've come to a conclusion, i just don't think I'm meant to be alive.

i imagine this would probably be labelled as being suicidal or my depression's come back for a shitty sequel but i know things have been absolutely awful in the past and its just such a different feeling compared to then and as it stands i just dont think i should be.

Like I'm actively happy i'm trying to be a better person even if only a little a day y'know and idk.

I'm out of work and it's alright, i'm not in any immediate financial danger, my parents are supportive and encouraging me to find the right thing. I managed to get myself two college degrees and im happy with that and its still just why.

Apologies to anybody reading this but this is as close as im gonna let myself to having a proper whinge about the issue so tough luck i guess, if anyone does read it.

its judt really fucking weird i feel like im breaking a bunch of moral laws just by living the way i am and by not accomplishing enough and its just iaifiibifiskrkibisiekigibiidiwofo

the best i can describe is just weird, overall i think inam quantifiably better than i was, i did cut myself twice but ups and downs i guess.

side note because this really is just written vomit in a tumblr post my grammar fucking sucks here and i also have a really posh reading voice in my head for this and i think it might he helping me write this.

idk it sucks arse because i still just dont have any fucking motivation to do anything, doesnt matter what it is ir how happy it would make me doing it its just blegh

maybe i just have a really skewed image of this because of how violent my depression was and much more overtly(?) suicidal i used to be.

maybe its now that im in this new environment so to speak its still just the same problem but things are dialed down more and its hard to tecognise it because of such a large contrast.