Placement Pathways Pictures :)

Usually I try to post things that are uplifting and positive. But today, adoption sucks. I get that it has made a difference in my life and that Sharkbait is better off with his sisters and Duckiedeene. But today, it just hurts. All I want to do is sit and cry. I miss my little guy. I don’t want to show how much this affects me. I want to be strong and have a stiff upper lip. But it isn’t…

Usually when I see people freaking out about some new movie, and special interest or minorities freaking out about the way that they are portrayed in movies, I just blow it off. I tell people to stop freaking out or grow up. It isn’t like the movies really influence the way that people look at people. But I was the one that needed to grow up.

Now, as a birthmother, I leaned that suddenly people…

I decided recently, through A LOT of very creative coaxing from the Corporal, to grow out my hair. I am in the very weird “in between” phase, where you can’t do anything but let it be. I decided to try and do a very short, little ponytail and put my bangs up with bobbypins. I asked the Corporal if he liked the way that it looked, and he said that it looked nice, but it just wasn’t me. And all I…

Wow…it has been one year since I started writing about adoption and my feelings about it. Sharkbait’s one year birthday is coming up later in June. I now have a wonderful job at a western supply company. Like I said in my last post, the Corporal and I have a wonderful life that we are starting to build. I have a very supportive base of friends and family. I also have a brand new Rotweiler mix…

This is a post and I holiday that I have mixed feelings about. It has been 11 months since I placed Sharkbait. Wow time flies. My life is so much different than it was when I was starting this blog about a year ago. Robert has accepted the invitation out the door. I have started college again and that is going wonderfully. I am seeing an amazing man who will be known as the corporal from here…

1) Wow! I didn’t know that I had the option to be a welfare mom. I wish I had done more research before placing… Ok, This one makes me really really cranky. Someone who is willing to let a mini person reside in the Uterus-Carlton (See what I did there…Just kidding…at least I think I am funny, moving on) only to allow the sweet person to go and live with someone else without doing research. We…

Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blues

I woke up this morning feeling slightly off, and I couldn’t place why. Then a very sweet, well meaning lady that Cowboy(my grandfather) works with saw me and said, “You look so good! you had your baby what, 2 weeks ago?” Then it hit me. Like a naughty kid dropping a water balloon from the balcony of the house we were in front of for the Parade. Today should have been Robert and 1 year…

Before I get to the “Meat” of this post, I would like to back up and give it some context. Mozzie is a fictional character on a USA Network show called White Collar. I do not own these characters, I just empathize and sympathize for the spunky side kick to the dashing and suave Neal Caffrey. Mozzie is an adult who aged out of foster care and he longs for his birth parents. For context on the…

When I was three, Cowboy and company took me to Lake Mead with them on business. We bought a bag of popcorn to feed the Carp. (Side note, carp are nasty, bottom feeders. They take anything they can get) A horde of fish mouths broke the surface of the water, and they opened and shut their mouths and all I could think was that they were trying to suck me down into the deep water below. In my fear,…

Mikayla talks about the weird bumps on the grief road.

I woke up 10  days post placement feeling slightly guilty.  I had gone to a rodeo with Sharkbait’s big sisters and saw 2 newborns and some songs that Robert and I had memories associated with came on the loud speaker. And it didn’t phase me. I felt nothing but, “Oh look at that little kiddo!” or in the case of the songs, I sang along.

And it made me feel super guilty and set me up fro a pretty…

Sorry for the lack of posts in the last 2 weeks! Things have gotten kinda crazy in chez di Ryan and in DuckieDeene’s pond.

Around the 13th I went into labor then suddenly stopped and they sent me home. After a week of on again off again labor, that story will be told in more detail in a later edition of Mikayla’s Story, our precious bundle of joy arrived at 6:26pm on June 20th.

Both the sweet…

Being a mother

I am a member of several adoption communities on facebook, and I saw a picture in one of them that really bothered me. (The intentions were pure, but I don’t like the wording)

And it got me thinking. What does make a woman a mother? And I think motherhood comes down to unconditional love. I love my baby more than i want to save myself from heartbreak. I want to give my baby a mother that can be…

Why I placed.

I am going to apologize in advance, this post is going to be on the long side, but this one is for me. I need to have easy access to these for my hospital trip, so I figured, why not put them here? And why not put them where someone else can have access to them to help them?

I am placing my son with my aunt for a bunch of reasons, but the most important to me is that my baby isn’t raised like I…

let's see what happens in the "Final Meltdown!"

“Honey? I think we should be gone when the landlord gets here, I am going to get ready, then wake you up when I am done…” Robert’s voice said from far away. Attempting to drift back to dreams of a peaceful household, I rolled away from Robert. He chuckled and got in the shower. Just as I was starting to fall asleep again, I heard voices downstairs, shuffling, then an animalistic scream that could…