do you like messi?

*refuses to look at texts* I love conversation and communication

*takes a free sample twice* i love robbery and fraud

This is an interesting story because people my parents age are like “How dare he” and people my age are like “oh same”

Was trying to ignore the pack of whiteboys behind me but one of them said “Mickey Mouse’s ears are round from whatever angle you look from, therefore they are spheres” and its honestly ruined my entire week. This will haunt me and now itll haunt you too

my last two brain cells

This legit looks like a porn

I scrolled through this whole post waiting for them to take their dicks out

why do people say chicken as a term for coward? Have you ever meet a chicken? Cause those things will fuck you up man

*bob the builder voice* can we fix it? YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS WE CAN BITCH YAAAAAAS

million dollar idea: instead of spending thousands of dollars on steady-cam equipment, filmmakers should just attach a camera to the head of a chicken and carry the chicken around as you film.

cannot. stop. laughing.

Lizzy.

To be totally fair to Willy Wonka, at least a couple of those candy factory casualties involved kids deliberately circumventing reasonable safeguards, sometimes aided and abetted by the parents who were supposed to be supervising them. What happened is at most 60% his fault.

my kids: dad what’s for supper? me: ooh hunny i am serving looks tonight kids: we haven’t eaten in 3 days