Just a blog for pixel gifs.

Peace ✌🏼

I need advice.

thank you for coming to my tumblr and have a fantabulous day ❤️

haven’t posted in decades~~but i just wanna talk about the fact that the past year has been a great year, but i’ve had worse thoughts about my body image this year than i ever have before. i started going to the gym and eating healthier bc i thought i was fat and maybe that’s why i had a guy reject me after he saw me shirtless. i was extremely upset about that whole thing for wayyyy too long and honestly i still think i need to lose weight. sometime last week my “sisters” boyfriend (she’s my exstepsister) told me that i was a worthless daughter and that i use everyone and that i’m a bitch that needs to grow up. but before he was dating her, he was messaging me confessing how he’s loved me for years and how he’s always going to love me. (he’s fucking disgusting and a raging alcoholic and i would never touch that with a ten foot pole) but then 3-4 months later he’s in love with my sister 🙄 okay sure. and work has been super stressful bc my boss has been finding every little excuse to get me in trouble. wrote me up the other day for someone else using my discount without my permission like wtf. why did i get in trouble for that lmao. i just wanna be done with life tbh. i’ve thought about just running my car into a tree going 90 multiple times or even just overdosing like it would end all the bullshit for me and i wouldn’t have to worry about anything ever again bc i would be dead. i know people have it worse than i do and i know my problems seem trivial and stupid. i’m also on my period so maybe i’m just moody who knows.

so i’m officially looking into nearby apartments so that i can move out. my mom locked my stepdad out of the house about an hour ago and he busted the door from the garage into the house open so now my little brother is sleeping in my room in the basement with me and i have my door locked and a hammer next to my bed in case i need it. i really hope that everything works out and i find an affordable place because i cannot live in this hell any more.

so i have always wanted to get a tattoo and i’ve really wanted to get my nose pierced and my hair dyed and i’m almost 20 and i’ve only accomplished the dyeing of the hair and i’m itching for that tattoo man

i’m doing as good as i can and i’m not going to let myself let go, thank you for your concern 🖤

I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE GUY IVE BEEN TALKING TO/IM KINDA SORTA STRONGLY ATTRACTED TO MIGHT HAVE MRSA AND IM TERRIFIED BC HES ALSO A REALLY GOOD FRIEND OF MINE ON TOP OF EVERYTHING AND I DONT WANT TO LOSE HIM AND IM CRYING ALSO I MADE OUT WITH HIM LIKE TWO MONTHS AGO WHAT IF I CONTRACTED IT. IM PANICKING.

there are so many things going through my mind. things that could cripple me if i don’t let them out. things that could throw me into a heap of depression and things that could cause me to relapse. things that i’m going to be telling you. first thing that’s been stressing me out that isn’t super huge of a deal compared to the rest is that for a week and a half in November i’m going to be running the store i work at because the manager will be in another country. i’m super anxious because i literally have no clue what the fuck i am doing. second thing on my list is pretty personal and not many people that know me know this. also it’s kind of triggering and i’m not joking or saying that as a meme i mean it literally. my stepdad got full custody of my stepsister yesterday and while that may seem great, it also means that i may not get to see her soon. my mom is kicking him out before the end of the year. now i know you’re wondering, “why is she kicking him out when you guys have worked so hard to get your sister to live with you?” well my stepdad is an asshole. he has beat my mom on many occasions. leaving her with bruises that look gnarly as fuck and not in a good way. i went camping for a weekend with my dads side of the family and when i came back? she had a big softball sized bruise on her thigh and she had two more on her arms. i only noticed the thigh one because we went out on the lake and her swimsuit didn’t cover it. when i asked her where she got it she said “oh i don’t know” and she quickly changed the subject. now seeing as how she never really told me he beat her, how did i know? well around the fourth of july we went to a party where all the adults got blitzed because yknow when you have kids that can drive, automatic DD. well when my stepdad was ready to go he told my mom that we were leaving. she wasn’t ready to go and instead of him just leaving on his own he decided that they were going to have a full blown screaming match at this friend of theirs house while the party was still going. not only did he do this but he also yelled at anyone who tried to intervene including his bestfriend’s and his friend that’s my age that he basically treats as his own son. it got so bad that my mom just started walking home so i got in her vehicle with my sister and younger brother and took off after her, picked her up and we just went home. she cried the whole way while holding my hand. this wasn’t the only time this has happened over the summer either. a few days later there was another party but this time it was for a friend of ours’ birthday. when people started leaving he started getting angry for no reason. now the main thing he likes to yell at my mom for is that she smokes weed. (my opinion is that people can smoke it as long as they do it in a safe environment and don’t drive while high bc impaired judgement leads to car accidents and don’t even argue with me on this one because i lost multiple friends due to them being in a car where the driver was high) and so while he’s allowed to drink himself to oblivion and smoke so much that he has to do breathing treatments, she isn’t allowed to smoke weed once or twice a day. she doesn’t do it for fun she does it because he causes her so much anxiety and stress that if she didn’t, i know she would have killed him by now and when i say that, i’m not kidding. one time i witnessed him hit her right in front of me. they were arguing and my younger brother who is 10 was sleeping on the couch but when they got loud he woke up and started crying. (he doesn’t like when they fight for obvious reasons) and so my mom was bent over, trying to calm him down when my stepdad told her to “get away from his son” and when she told him to leave her the fuck alone he smacked her across the face. let me repeat that for you: SHE WAS CONSOLING HER CRYING CHILD AND HE SMACKED HER ACROSS THE FACE IN FRONT OF ALL THREE OF US. MY SISTER (his daughter who is 16) MY BROTHER (my half brother that is 10 YEARS OLD) AND ME (her eldest daughter that’s 19) and then when i realized what he did i go “did you just hit her?!” and he goes “yes” and i go “do you want me to hit you? because i will” and he goes on a rant about how if i “don’t want to see this then i need to move out” do you understand how hard it is to not beat the living shit out of someone who you know hits your mother and has the audacity to tell you that if you don’t like it to leave? i saw red and i started shaking and my sister had to drag me out of the room because i was ready to go to jail for murder that night. i had to lock myself in my room and punch things to keep myself from killing him. my mom ended up locking herself in a room so he couldn’t get to her and my sister took my brother to my room so that he couldn’t take them and leave while drunk. not even a month ago it got to the point that my mom told him that she had no love for him left and that he killed any emotion she had for him except hatred. she even told him to leave and my sister convinced him to leave (she had gotten her permit two days prior and drove for the first time legally to take her dad to a friends house) a few days later my mom took him to a public place and told him “the day you get permanent custody of your daughter is the day i can kick you out” yesterday was the day of court and today he’s still here. my sister went with them for the court because she had to for the custody battle and afterwards she went with him to work and while they were working, he told her that she needed to stop hanging out with me. i wasn’t allowed to pick her up from school, i wasn’t allowed to take her to the store to get fucking tampons. not only am i livid that he told her that, but she agreed to it and is 100% on his side. she says it’s not just because he is her father but the friend that’s like a son that i mentioned earlier? he evidently has been telling her “all that’s been going on since she was gone” bull shit. he isn’t living here how the fuck would he know anything but my stepdads side of the story? he doesn’t see what i see or hear what i hear. and she hasn’t been here with him almost every day for 10 years. she hasn’t heard all of the names he has called my mother. she saw him hit her. and she doesn’t think my mom has any reason to kick him out. SHE TOLD ME SHE WILL LEAVE WITH HIM IF HE GETS KICKED OUT. i’m not mad at her. i feel completely and utterly abandoned by the one person i feel as though i can confide in. the one person i’ve told every thing that i’ve ever experienced or done to. she knows the little details about me that i have never shared with anyone. for fucks sake she’s the only person that’s ever seen me completely naked (other than my parents bc obviously they saw me naked when i was a baby and shit) she is my rock. my diary. my other half. she is my ride or die. my partner in crime. she is my sister blood or not. marriage or not. and she’s willing to just drop me like that. she’s willing to leave me and never see me again. because that’s what’s going to happen if she leaves with him. he’s not going to want her to even think of me again and she’s going to listen to him because he is her father. but what about me?