keep on goin

((best friend, if you’re reading this, sorry I’m up so late))

I was tired all day, struggling to stay awake. but now... I’m not really tired at all. I don’t know what to do... it’s 4am.

I hate the way my body works. I can’t go to bed early. I pump myself full of sedatives and still I only sleep for a couple hours because my body doesn’t want to be in bed before 2am. anyone else get that?

I don’t know if I should just stay awake or try to force myself to sleep. leaning towards the latter cause the later I go to bed, the later I’ll get up, and I don’t want to keep wasting my days away sleeping.

my stomach hurts and I keep having the same type of nightmare all the time. it’s really getting old, but the upside is that those don’t scare me anymore.

nothing feels real right now cause I think my brain is in shock and im tired. and I can’t really breathe.

So, my book finally came on... Friday? And I’ve been studying every day. I think I’m getting better at math, and I’m a little bit hopeful about my test on Tuesday. Also, it turns out that I didn’t have an exam the one day, which is a relief.

My teacher is really nice though, she actually loaned me her own book so I wouldn’t fail the test. I’m glad I got my own book however because the answers in the book were a bit distracting ^^; I’d want to do the questions myself but the answer would be right next to it in bright blue so my eyes were drawn to it. 

Also, I was able to get into MyMathLab and finally do my homework. I’m not getting any credit for it because it’s overdue, but it was good practice. 

Anyway, despite my studying and work I feel like I’ve been getting even lazier... I never want to shower, clean, nothing... I don’t know what’s up but it’s just so hard to do anything. I wish I had the energy and motivation to do the bare minimum. 

Ah well...

Here’s a drawing I did recently:

Hooray~ I get a little break from college which is nice, although I do like going to class. By some miracle, college is actually going well and going to school doesn’t bother me too much. The most emotion I feel is a bit of boredom during math class...

Also, I should note that right now I have only one in-person class (pre-algebra) and there’s only 4 of us there, so it’s quite the comfortable environment. I don’t have to sit next to anybody and during breaks it’s usually just small talk. Now if I had a regular class in person, say my English comp 1 or 2, I’m not sure I could handle it. It’d be a full house, I’d have to sit next to someone and run the risk of a stranger talking to me. So if I have to take a higher up class, I think I might do it online instead of in person.

Hmm, what else... There’s not really much going on. I’m going to spend the weekend playing games and relaxing. I might do some traditional art (I’m a digital artist almost exclusively) to switch things up a bit, or maybe make a bracelet, though that’s a small chance since I don’t really know how... I have the materials, but... Oh! Speaking of which, I’d like to try needle felting. You can make some really cute stuff and it looks like a lot of fun, so I need to swing by the craft store when I have some money! I mean, who knows when that will happen but still.

Um, if I can figure out how, I’m going to attach my most recent drawing. It’s mostly just a sketch, but I’m going to try drawing in this style more often- the black and white thing. Hope you like it! 

Every day it's like I have to make more and more phone calls, and phone calls were one of my biggest anxiety triggers for years. Still is, really, but not quite as bad as it used to be. But right now I'm waiting for a call back from someone and it's nerve-wracking. Calling someone isn't too bad, but being called is the absolute worst. You never know when you'll get that call. You always have to be on edge and waiting and watching so you don't miss it. But this is a very important call, and it's not just the calling part that's making me anxious. I'm nervous because this call is about my textbook and whether or not the bookstore can special order it for me-- if they can, that's fantastic, I'll just have my book late; if they can't, I have to pay for my book out of pocket ($239) somehow. I really don't want to take out a loan because they haunt you for years and I don't want bad credit, either. I know I can't afford a near $240. I can't even buy a desk or desk chair right now- my current setup is either my laptop on the bed or my desktop on the couch. It kills my back.

Now, what I’m about to say here is a perfect example of anticipatory anxiety in action.

Today I was once again panicky and scared (mostly because I STILL can’t get my book and if I can’t get it, I can say bye bye to class... but I digress,) up all the way until I got to class at 3:30. I had gotten up for the day at 10:45am so I had about 5 hours of anxiety to go through. But once I got in there it wasn’t so bad. It wasn’t the hell I thought it was going to be, it wasn’t chaotic because it’s a very tiny class and the teacher is a really nice lady. Plus it’s a class of all girls, so I felt comfortable being there. So, the anticipation was worse than the actual event. That’s what anticipatory anxiety is; the anxiety before an event- you’re anticipating something horrible to happen or a terrible experience but once you actually get to that experience, it isn’t so bad and the anxiety goes away (for the most part). It’s the storm before the calm.

Go to bed anxious. Can’t sleep for a while. Wake up early, feel good but then the anxiety sinks in again as college time draws nearer. It's a miserable cycle, but something I must deal with. I'm determined to push on, to keep going despite this constant fear I have lingering in the back of my head. I wanna thank my friends and family for keeping cheering me on despite my negativity, my depression, and my anxious venting.

I'm really suffering, so I'm considering seeing a counselor. Even getting help is gonna be hard, but it might help. I don't necessarily want a therapist; just someone to talk to, someone to vent to and get some advice on how to deal with college life, especially in this hectic first week.

But let's talk about yesterday. Yesterday wasn't so good, and I almost had an anxiety attack again. I went to the school for my books like I intended to, but they said my FAFSA (government financial aid) hadn't gone through the system so I couldn't buy them. My math class starts today so I need that book ASAP. My English class hasn't started yet, so I'm gonna wait a little bit before I buy the book for that. I can't buy a calculator right now, but at least I'll be (hopefully) getting my book. I also have to type in some code for a program, I think, so I'll have to try to find time to do that as well, all in the same day. :( I'm feeling really stressed out, but like I keep saying, I gotta keep going. That's the key, just keep on trucking. Now that I've finally got a good night's sleep (although admittedly, I didn't want to get up to my alarm today), I'm able to think more clearly and positively. That might just fly out the window when I actually get to class and I'll probably be a nervous wreck, but hey.

Ah, anyway, I think I've figured out the FAFSA thing and I should be able to get my book today. Keyword: should. If I can't, well... I don't want to think about it.

Anxiety is hard to understand. I've had to cope with it my whole life and I'm still confused about it sometimes. Like today. Today I'm going to be getting my school textbooks (very very late!! I'm so underprepared, but it's my fault because I didn't check my email) and hopefully a scientific calculator. Yesterday I was excited to go do that because I wanted to check out the school's bookstore and I like buying stuff- even absurdly expensive textbooks- but now I've just got a pit in my stomach again. It's really frustrating. Right when I think I'll have a good day, anxiety will strike me when I wake up and it's nothing but fear until the so-called danger has passed, and even then, I'm still dealing with the aftershock later. I keep praying that this will get better, that I'll somehow get used to going and that I won't have to deal with my daily nausea and trembling legs, but that goal just seems so far away.

It's good to vent, but let's look at the positives, too. I'll be getting my textbooks (hopefully they're not out of stock), maybe my calculator, which is required, and maybe I'll go talk to the person who can install office on my computer for free. That'll be a challenge too. I could just take it one day at a time, but I'm so impatient it almost kills me to have to wait for things. I suppose I'll make up my mind while I'm there. I'm going to bring my laptop with me just in case.

Anyway... I just hope (look at that, the word I use most) that things will go smoothly for me and I won't have the same horrible reaction I did on orientation day. Wish me luck guys. I'm facing my fear again.

“A person who thinks all the time has nothing to think about except thoughts.”

These past few days have been quite the nightmare for me. Let it be known right now that I have social, situational and generalized anxiety, and as a side note, I’ve also been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder II and MS. My list of medications isn’t as long as it used to be, but I’m still hoping that someday it’ll shrink even more. But I digress. The reason why the past few days have been so exceptionally stressful is because I've just entered college and my anxiety is through the roof. With thoughts like I'm gonna die, what's gonna happen if someone approaches me, will I be judged, and just a general unrecognized fear sitting in the back of my brain, it's hard to sleep these days. Without medication like klonopin and benadryl, I get about 3-4 hours of sleep when I used to get 9. As you can imagine, I get really exhausted during the day and then I get this weird uncomfortable mix of antsy anxiety and an undying sleepiness. No matter how exhausted I am, I just can't sleep anymore. And no sleep equals more anxiety.

I attended college orientation on the 24th (a miracle, because the night before I was panicking so much I got my now-usual 3-4 hours of sleep and legitimately thought some catastrophe was going to happen and that was gonna be my last day on earth) and I was so tired but so scared at the same time. I'm pretty sure the whole time my body was tense and I couldn't think very clearly. A whopping 2 people attempted to socialize with me, but admittedly, by some act of God, I approached the second one because I was scared and needed someone familiar around me- too bad we got separated and that was that. But I'm glad because I'm too scared to spend too much time around other people. I've been doing nothing but worrying all the time and it's really honestly getting on my nerves. I have such a phobia of other human beings that it's almost ridiculous, but it's how I am and I have to work hard to change it. People are telling me it'll get better over time. I want to believe them but my brain doesn't. My brain keeps wanting to tell me that I'll never get better, that this will be a repeat of my past social failures, but I need to keep pushing on because college is so important to me and my family.

On a lighter note, let's talk about what I'm going for and what I want to do. Right now I'm working on a liberal arts degree, and after that's finished I'm gonna pursue something much bigger- either being a cop or a forensic toxicologist, but I've also considered forensic anthropology, especially after all the interesting stories I've read from actual anthropologists. And my family keeps recommending it to me lol. They think I'd be good at it, and I'm kind of believing them.

Anyway... I don't really wanna relive the hell that was orientation so I won't say much about it, so let's just go with 'I was in a miserable state of mind and wanted to go home as soon as possible so I skipped free lunch'. It was one of the scariest times in my life, and I've been abused and homeless among other things. People, phobias are real and they can be devastating. Life altering, so I ask that if you don't already (and I hope you do), that you take them seriously and show people understanding and kindness because it can be such a debilitating thing, whether it's something you might find odd or small, like my other phobia of vomiting.

That's all I have to say for now, pretty long for my first blog post, but a lot's happened and I guess I just needed to write it all down. Maybe now my brain will stop yelling at me about it...