🦇

it's difficult to put into words how alienating it is to be so closed off without relief. i spent years noticing the estrangement in relationships i've had, the disconnect between myself and those who had no problem connecting to others; how even when i pretended, even at my best, i could tell they knew to keep a distance. the discomfort of physical touch was a microscopic tell, sometimes i could even convince myself that it wasn't there. i could touch and kiss and wrap myself around someone but there was always an air of caution, as if i, myself, would become something predatory if i kept touching. or something awful might happen if someone trusted me to be close. it felt dangerous to be in my own skin and it wasn't me, or them, that put it there but a longer poison i knew had started before i had the memory for it.