it's difficult to put into words how alienating it is to be so closed off without relief. i spent years noticing the estrangement in relationships i've had, the disconnect between myself and those who had no problem connecting to others; how even when i pretended, even at my best, i could tell they knew to keep a distance. the discomfort of physical touch was a microscopic tell, sometimes i could even convince myself that it wasn't there. i could touch and kiss and wrap myself around someone but there was always an air of caution, as if i, myself, would become something predatory if i kept touching. or something awful might happen if someone trusted me to be close. it felt dangerous to be in my own skin and it wasn't me, or them, that put it there but a longer poison i knew had started before i had the memory for it.
there will always be an untouchable void people can feel before they see me. perhaps my mother put it there, the nights spent sleeping outside her door. or maybe it was my father and the untouchable void he inevitably became himself. being mentally ill is isolating and lonely, but it pales in conparison to the built-in mechanism of autism. how can a child be born untouchable? how does a pattern of behavior like that start and is there a way to undo it? it's an awful, knotted up situation to be left with. how do you fix this? accomodation feels like tolerance.
baratheonpilled
jacobvanloon
discoholicmusic
theartofmadeline
stormborns
tangentwithtanner
izzy806
titsay
yousharknotpass
germansingergirl
romaincrisis
