one roblock

THE SAGA CONTINUES

However, as a bisexual dude, I can observe that many of the arguments that are employed to establish that ace folks have no place in the queer community are strikingly similar - indeed, at times practically word-for-word identical - to the arguments that were for many years (and in some circles still are) employed to establish that bisexual folks have no place in the queer community.

The Passing Argument

It has been argued that bisexual folks don’t have any grounds to complain about discrimination and violence suffered in relation to their orientation, because a bisexual person is able to pass as straight simply by choosing partners of the appropriate gender. Therefore, any discrimination and violence that a bisexual person does experience must be construed as voluntarily undertaken, since they could have passed, and freely chose not to.

This argument is similarly applied to ace folks via the assertion that being ace poses no particular barrier to seeking a partner of a socially acceptable gender, so any failure to do so must likewise be construed as voluntary.

The Performativity Argument

It has been argued that bisexual folks ought to be excluded from queer communities because sexual orientation is purely performative; i.e., being gay is defined in terms of currently having a sexual partner of the same gender.  A bisexual person who has a partner of a different gender is functionally indistinguishable from a straight person, and must therefore be regarded as straight. Conversely, a bisexual person whose current partner is of the same gender must nonetheless be regarded with suspicion, because they could “turn straight” at any time simply by leaving that partner.

This argument is similarly applied to ace folks via the assertion that their orientation has no discernible performative component; an ace person is functionally indistinguishable from a straight person who simply isn’t involved in a sexual relationship at that particular moment, so ace folks must therefore be regarded as straight by default.

(An astute reader may notice that the passing argument dovetails neatly into the performativity argument: those who choose not to seek partners of a socially acceptable gender may be dismissed because any violence and discrimination they experience is a consequence of their voluntary failure to pass, while those who do seek such partners are performatively straight and therefore to be shunned. It’s a neat little system.)

The Mistaken Identity Argument

It has been argued that, while bisexual folks may suffer discrimination and physical and sexual violence, they’re not targeted by such acts because they’re bisexual. Any discrimination and violence a bisexual person suffers in relation to their orientation is suffered because they were mistaken for a gay person. Any effort on their part to discuss such experiences is therefore to be regarded as appropriative, in spite of the fact that they personally experienced it. In short, a bisexual person’s own experience of violence and discrimination doesn’t truly “belong” to them: it “belongs” to the purely hypothetical gay person their persecutors allegedly mistook them for.

1) rewriting history to erase bisexual and asexual contributions to political LGBTQ rights movements, and then claiming that bisexuals and asexuals have never done anything for the community at large

2) arguing that modernday bisexuals and asexuals should be excluded from current political movements because our goals are distinct from, or even contradictory to the goals of the LGBTQ rights movement at large

3) interpreting any attempt on the part of bi/asexuals to make safe spaces for ourselves within the community as an attack on LG safe spaces, generally by reframing bi/ace pride as homo/lesbophobia, or by dismissing accusations of bi/acephobia as inherently homo/lesbophobic

It’s often been asserted that bisexual folks ought to be excluded from the LG community because that community is specifically for folks who experience homophobia, and bisexual folks don’t experience homophobia, save by misidentification. (See the Mistaken Identity Argument, above.)

However, anybody who’s over the age of 30 can tell you that the positioning of the experience of homophobia as the community’s great unifier is, itself, a relatively novel development.

Up until quite recently (and by “recently” I mean as recently as the mid 1980s), even lesbians were routinely characterised by the leaders of mainstream gay rights activism as unwelcome parasites, riding on the movement’s coattails and contributing nothing in return.

Not only is identifying the experience of homophobia - defined narrowly as discrimination against those who are actively involved in sexual relationships with persons of the same gender - as the sole qualifier for inclusion a totally arbitrary place to draw the line, it’s baldly ahistorical.

Newsflash: no one wants an invitation to that party. No one is “invading.” No one wants to be included in your “gay club.”

What we want is shits like you to quit perpetuating intra community bigotry and hatred in the LGBT+; because the only ones treating it like a “club” are those of you that check the “queer credentials” of everyone looking for a safe space and stamp their hands with “gay enough I guess” to let us pass through the gates. (Not that we get the same treatment as the ~VIP cis gays~ anyway.)

First of all- take a second to breathe. You are in a terrible situation, but you are strong and resilient and you have $7,000 in savings. You WILL get through this! Also you have more money than both my boyfriend and I put together currently, and we rent an apartment with 2 cats. You can do it!

I have a few questions for you-

1. Do you have a job?

2. Do you want to attend a university?

3. Are you opposed to living with roommates?

I get a lot of questions about this. Here are some steps that you can take while still living in your parents house, steps that will help you work towards getting a place of your own. Stay strong! You’ll get through this.

1. Important Documents. Get as many of your important documents (social security card, birth certificate, tax forms, etc) as possible while you’re still living with your parents. You will need this information when you move out, and it may be harder for you to get these documents after you’ve moved out.

2. Get a job. If you’re still in school, limit yourself to a part-time job that can become a full-time job when you finish your education. You can’t save up money if you don’t have a job, and this will just force you to be dependent on your parents financially. 

3. Get transportation. Get yourself a mode of transportation that does not rely on your parents. Biking, walking, and using public transportation are all ways that you can get where you need to be without their help. You cannot rely on any car that’s in their name (even if they call it “your” car). I’ve had multiple friends dealing with difficult parents have their cars taken away from them in an attempt to further control their lives. 

4. Start saving money. Even if this just means saving $100 every two weeks, this is still a great start! 

5. Separate bank account. Speaking of saving money, get yourself a bank account that your parents don’t have access to. A friend of mine tried to move out of her home and her parents literally moved all her money into their account because they had joint access. If you cannot get a separate bank account, start saving money in cash in a good hiding spot.

6. Start paying for your own devices. You do not want your parents to be able to threaten to take your phone away if they don’t like the choices you’re making. You should also change any passwords on devices that your parents may know.

7. Utilize resources that get you out of the house. There are lots of spaces that you can hang out after school for free, including public parks and libraries. Join clubs and volunteer your time if you can’t stand being home.

8. File as independent on your taxes. We’re a while away from tax season, but remember to file as independent on your taxes. This means that your parents can no longer claim you as a dependent and will no longer receive a tax break from the government for housing you. What it means for you, is that you will no longer be considered part of their tax bracket. This means you’ll have a better chance at applying for financial aid, health insurance, car insurance, etc.

9. Involve your college. If you’re looking to go to university sometime in the future but are afraid you can’t afford it, find out if your college has any programs for independent students. Many SUNY schools have what is called the EOP Program and the Independent Student Program, which will pay for your college tuition based off your independent tax status. You cannot rely entirely on FAFSA to pay for your tuition! Talk to a school counselor and find out what is offered. PS: Many of these programs are first-semester admit only, so take that into consideration.

10. Keep your housing search a secret. I hate to generalize with parenting, but if your parents are threatening to throw you out or are forcing you to move out, it’s probably not a good idea to let them know that you’re going to move out. Oddly enough, two of my friends who have been in this very same situation got ready to move out of their respective homes, only to have their parents freak out. Even if your parents are saying that they’re going to force you to move out, they may not believe that you actually can and will do it. They may try to stop you or use emotional tactics to control you and keep you home. When you do move out- do not under any circumstance tell them your address.

11. Build your support system. Tell as many trustworthy people as you can what is happening, so that they can be there to support you during this time. You’ll have places to crash in if you need to, so your parent’s house isn’t your only option. I would try to tell at least one “Adult” in your life- a teacher, a counselor, your employer, etc. Obviously you don’t want them talking to your parents, but they may be able to offer support and confidence. 

12. Decide on an apartment budget. Decide what you can afford, based off of how much money you’re making. Find out if any of your friends are going to get their own place, and see if you can find a roommate. This will save you so much money and headache in the long run. If you can’t find a roommate and can’t afford an apartment, look into renting a room in a house or shared space.

13. Learn some life skills. Cooking, cleaning, sewing, basic repair, car maintenance, laundry, etc are all useful skills that you will need when you move out. Start mastering them now, and you’ll feel more confident when on your own.

14. Discount stores. Get familiar with shopping for yourself at discount stores. While shopping at the Dollar Store may not be ideal for you, I recommend that you buy all your starter groceries and household supplies there. Off-brand items will save you $$!

15. Make plans for pets. Do not leave your pets at your parent’s house. If you can’t move them into your new place, find a friend who can pet sit until you find a more comfortable situation. Do not let your parents hold your pets over your head as emotional leverage!

16. Be prepared to buy new furniture. Your parents may not allow you to take any furniture with you when you move. Be prepared to spend some money on things like mattresses, tables, cooking supplies, etc. Peruse local yard sales and bargain bins to see if you can scavenge any supplies. Hit up your friends and coworkers to see if they have any furniture/supplies they’re not using. Honestly this is how I got half of the furniture in my apartment.

17. Try to keep it positive. Throughout all of this, please remember that your parents do love you, even if they’re not expressing it in a positive way. Be above toxic behavior and any emotional bullying they may throw your way, and when you do move out try to let them know that you love them and hope they will support you. They may ignore you or refuse to talk to you for some time after you move out, and this is okay. They will eventually get to the point where they miss your contact, and you should be prepared for that opportunity to start fresh. I’ve known people whose relationship with their parents has improved 100% after they move out. Some personalities are just not meant to live together. Give them the time they need to adjust, and be proud of yourself for everything you’ve done!