Pidgeon

god's weakest soldier is scrolling tumblr instead of being productive or participating in any of their hobbies

If a fantasy world has an ancient tree of wisdom, that means it must also have young trees that are dumb as shit. Just giving terrible advice like, "the evil wizard is kinda hot"'

The problem with being married to someone super fit is that you just can’t be physically coercive in the cute ways you want to. This morning, I was trying to convince B to sleep in and cuddle and instead of being deterred by the fact that I was entirely wrapped around his torso, he just…got out of bed with me clinging to him and went about his business picking clothes in the closet and putting on pants and doing his skincare in the bathroom with me just there along for the ride. And when he finally tickled me into letting go so he could finish getting dressed, I was so completely awake from laughing so hard that I didn’t get to sleep in either. An outrage.

Unfortunately, this is an accurate depiction of the hindrance I presented (minor).

sex is some naked bullshit and food is some crap they found on the ground but online poker is forever

crazy how quickly dust accumulates. i should be allowed to put my trinkets on a shelf and not touch them and they remain in perfect condition forever. dont even get me STARTED on the inside of a computer. why do i have to brush your teeth. youre technology.

chiropractors get paid to injure people. i'd do it for FREE after a long shift

on the subject of it often being out of character for characters to be having carefully negotiated bdsm sex in smut fics: 90% of metal gear ships are insane toxic yaoi and would definitely be having sex that is neither safe nor sane and only borderline consensual HOWEVER otacon and snavid would be thoroughly negotiating kinks before during and after sex like theyre doing mission briefings on a codec call

Happy Friday afternoon! 😁☺️ We've done it! 😎😌 We've got to the end of the week ‼️✅️ We've locked 🔒 up ⬆️ our warehouse 🚚 we've parked ⛲️♿️ up our vans 🚐 we have logged off ❌️ our computers 💻 and I've quickly 🏃‍♂️ popped 🫧 into my local favorite pub 🍻🇬🇧 for a cheeky pint of beer ☺️🍺 and look 😳🔎 a little bit of 🤏 early dinner 🍴😋 because the wife 👰‍♀ I love her dearly 🥰❤️ but her cooking 🍳👩‍🍳 ain't that great 🙅‍♂️🤢 and we've got 😮 a stunning ✨️ beef and ale pie 🥧🍮 a bitofmashedpotatoes 🥔🧈 baked beans 🫘 in a pot 🫕 which I think 💭 is wrong 😤 but it's happeninganyway 🤷‍♂️ and of course a bit of gravy 🥣🍲 and you know me 😉 I never look 🚫👀 when I pour 🙈🫗 because I am ☝️‼️ the absolute govnah 💂‍♂️🧑‍💼 And listen goiuys 👂 hope you had a great week 😘⌚️ keep on smashin' life 💥😮 keep givin' it a hundred 💯 and ten 🔟 per cent 🔣 and don't go home 🏠 until you're proud ✌️😌 And listen 🎧🙉 cheers to you all 🏅🎆 You deserve it 😉 A'bosh! ⁉️

we need a ritual where you can climb into a hole in the ground for roughly 24 hours and just close your eyes and not do anything, and nobody is allowed to look for you or speak your name, and whenever you want to reemerge then you can climb back out and people are forbidden from commenting on your absence. can someone get on this.

They should make hollow, fragile sugar candies exactly the size and shape of a lightbulb to safely satisfy the body’s natural need to eat lightbulbs whole