From: [email protected]
Subj: Restriction on Pies and Pastries Supply to PVD Falconers
Mr. Eric Bittle,
It has recently been brought to my attention that you are responsible for the pies and various pastries that have been delivered to members of the NHL team, the Providence Falconers. Unfortunately, the high fat content found in pies and the like poses a significant risk to athletes' physical fitness. It is vital for hockey players to maintain optimal physical condition to ensure their peak performance on the ice, and therefore the team’s win.
As it is my duty to oversee their dietary requirements, I ask you to cease the distribution of such food items to the members of the team immediately.
Thank you for your cooperation,
Jack Zimmermann
Providence Falconers Nutritionist | Providence, RI
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From: [email protected]
Subj: Re: Restriction on Pies and Pastries Supply to PVD Falconers
Dear Mr. Zimmermann,
It’s really nice to make your acquaintance. I actually had to message Alexei just to make sure this wasn’t some prank from one of my friends - I couldn’t believe an actual NHL staff member reached out to me! He assured me you’re the real thing, however (although I’m not sure how you got my school contact info?).
About the pies - you have nothing to worry about. Firstly, I only use the very best products, so anything your boys are getting from me is high quality. Second of all, I explicitly told the boys that I would only make the deliveries on cheat days. They better be smarter than to lie to me.
I’m a big fan of the Falconers, and I would never do anything to harm their chances! On the contrary, I do believe having a pie waiting for you at the end of a hard week gives more motivation for training. So actually, I’m helping y’all out :)
You’re very welcome, and good luck against the Devils!
Eric
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From: [email protected]
Subj: Re: Re: Restriction on Pies and Pastries Supply to PVD Falconers
Mr. Bittle,
I appreciate your reply. However, I feel that I have not made my stance clear enough.
Hockey is a very demanding sport. Cheat meals are meant to benefit our players, not provide them with an excuse to consume excessive amounts of sugar and fat. Nine of our players had received deliveries from you in the last 3 months. In my estimations, that comes to about 216 baked pies.
You must not be aware of this, but regular consumption of saturated fat can lead to heart disease and stroke. I advise you to look into investing your time in less harmful pursuits. I attached a list of recommendations for preferable culinary interests and other hobbies (if you eat even a portion of what you make, I highly recommend taking an interest in physical activity).
Please write back to me with confirmation that you will no longer deliver to members of this team.
Sincerely,
Jack Zimmermann
Providence Falconers Nutritionist | Providence, RI
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From: [email protected]
Subj: Re: Re: Re: Restriction on Pies and Pastries Supply to PVD Falconers
Mr. Zimmermann,
Unfortunately, I can make no such promises. Your players are counting on me, and I’d hate letting those sweet boys down. But just give it a few more months! You’ll see their game won’t be affected, and we could put all this behind us. In fact, I bet you’ll even see some improvement :)
Thank you for your concern, but it’s honestly not needed. I’m definitely getting enough physical activity, haha. Actually, I’m the captain of a Division I NCAA ice hockey team. And look, I’m doing just fine!
Also, I did take a look at your list. Flourless protein brownies?? Poor man. If that is what you consider a dessert, it’s no wonder you’ve got all these misguided views on pies. I had real brownies delivered just for you this morning, so you can taste the difference yourself. If they’re not on your desk by this afternoon, Thirdy or Poots must’ve gotten to them. Please let me know so I can make another batch.
All the best,
Eric
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From: [email protected]
Subj: Final Request to Discontinue Pastry Deliveries
Mr. Bittle,
You’re a hockey player who bakes a dozen pies a month in his free time? This is unacceptable for a sports team on any level. If possible, I would like the name of your team and your coach. Your staff should be made aware of the risks involved in not supervising their players’ health. I am more than willing to offer my services for a free-of-charge seminar about nutrition.
I have made my position about the deliveries very clear. If you cannot assure me of your cooperation, I will be forced to speak to security and restrict entry of food into our facilities without my approval.
I don’t wish to resort to forbidding you from future contact with team members, but if it is in the best interest of the team’s success, I will.
Good day,
Jack Zimmermann
Providence Falconers Nutritionist | Providence, RI
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From: [email protected]
Subj: (no subject)
Dear Jack Zimmermann,
I would like to see you try.
Bless you heart,
Eric Bittle
