Random Ramblings

The chorus of crickets and their summer symphonies

Memories of holding lightening in a pickle jar

Holes punched through the lid like it was enough, and maybe back then it was

Back when promise and hope could be held in a jar and the night was careless and carefree

When time was measured in the slow tick of a clock on a wall, and tomorrows were not counted or collected but stretched into that darkness forever

When the nights were never endless, eyes closed so early despite resolve and flashlights under covers

Page corners folded over and spines pressed open as the hero slipped from print to slay dream dragons

Before the dark became a place of unrest

Before the blue light silenced the tick and began to count down and collect at an ever increasing pace

Before the jar and lid strangled the symphony and swallowed the soul

Before the hero got lost and the dragons broke free and no amount of resolve or "magic" could force it back onto dog-eared pages with broken spines

In every restless turn and silent scream as slumber slides through desperate fingers

I've always known the dark.

The photograph still pristine in my mind

I don't take us out to rot or decay

Preserved for all time a love on display

No hands that can touch, no fingerprint smudge

No cold bitter feelings to yell or misjudge

I keep us in plastic with fake happy smiles

A documentation, a chest full of files

An organization of chaos, contained

A patchwork emotional collection retrained

Touched up so pretty that none of it's true

When they say this thing chases away the things you love it's this

There is no melody, no joyful release in the refrain

Silence greets the day, silence closes it behind me

There is no song and I don't know when it ended

Which was the last, was it loved, celebrated at the top of my lungs

Lungs are reserved for quiet breath now, in and out like the beat of a heart

It clings to chaos and throws aside logic like socks at the end of the day

If something is going well, it's the first to show up and poke around

It searches for cracks in every foundation and knows exactly where to set the charge for maximum impact

It's an expert on how to cut with a single word, how to alienate, how to ghost. It knows every tactic.

This part of me is always waiting. Always watching. Always wounding.

My little gargoyle of destruction. Guarding the gates.

The angel of acrimony. The seraph of self-sabotage.

Its heart is ice, its claws sharp and bloody. Breathing fire with the voice of a siren. Invisible with soles as swift as sound.

The first part you ever meet, it knows how to wear my skin.

The last part you learn to hate, it's always wearing my skin.

Something inside me has always wanted to see my world burn

Tiny, cramped, too small to breathe

Large open rooms where I disappear

Empty spaces that hold nothing of value, hollow laughter

Contorting into shapes unknown, uncomfortable, unreal

A name tag that points out my intrusion into spaces

The fury of the waves loud enough to drown the mob,

The icy grip strong enough to pull me free

The silence of floating free in the dark a comfort lost too long ago

The salt on my face, in my eyes, not mine

A lover's kind touch, a whisper against my lifeless cheek

The fish don't speak here

They swim by unbothered by my struggles, uncaring, unknowing

I open my mouth to speak and cough as the water fills my lungs

So I grow gills and tell myself it's fine, I never needed the sun

I'm at the bottom of the ocean, too deep for light, I've forgotten what it feels like to stand on the shore

Too deep for even the fish

It's quiet except for the voices in my head, my only company

They scream so loud and nothing drowns them out in the cold dark nothing

So I let them sing me twisted lullabies and believe the tales they tell me

I'm the laugh in your conversation, always brushing it off and telling you funny stories.

The pain comes out in humor

The only way I feel alive is when you laugh, when I do something to make you look

I'm always choking on it, so close to the surface, like I could vomit it out at any moment

But I don't. I learn how to speak it in jokes. Learn how to hide it with wit.

Look for me at the bottom of the lake, the ocean, standing right next to you.

I am with the fish

My only company the dark voices that hate me, the colorful flashes that don't touch me.

I am sinking. Falling so deep. Swallowed completely. Making you smile.

You are only a word away, but I can't reach you. So I close my mouth and let it win.