dying a thousand deaths to live this one life

call me gayoung. i use she/they pronouns and am 25. eng/한국어/fr

if 100 people hate the u.s. military, i'm one of them. if 10 people hate the u.s. military, i'm one of them. if 1 person hates the u.s. military, that's me, and if no one hates the u.s. military, i'm dead.

talk with me about sociology (esp. regarding race and culture), east asian studies, romantic-era classical music, ui/ux, mathematics, kpop, or films. i also am interested in clothing and its role in identity.

the specific cat emojis i'd send you. the way you'd immediately go to the road-facing side whenever we walked. when you took an extra turn in the revolving door so i didn't have to push. the little wrinkles in your face when you smiled. you never liked showing your teeth. i liked them though. when i'd scritch under your chin. put my head on your chest to sleep—that perfect crook between your neck and chest. the hazel of your eyes. you had really beautiful eyes. i like your hands. holding just a finger or two. the way you'd get shy or even a bit hesitant.

in korean, we say that when a woman finds a man cute, that's when it's over for her. that's when she's really fallen for him. i did really like you, right? i dreamed of you the other day. i can't remember the dream though.

there were a lot of little things. you had a good memory. i liked that so much about you. your little side smile. how silly you were. you were so happy to hear about how much i liked warrior cats when i was little. you'd even make up stories of us as cats.

i know it's all over, though. and i'll forget. i'm excited to forget because it'll hurt less and the pain will dull. but if you press hard enough into a dull blade, it'll still ache.

it'll be a little ache, though. the only remainder of the little things we shared.