𝐇𝐎𝐖 𝐓𝐎 𝐑𝐎𝐁 𝐀 𝐁𝐀𝐍𝐊

that's not really how it works, pete, and it's a little naive of you to assume that time automatically erases the past. first of all, ew, don't say daddy.. second of all, i get that you were in a bad place and getting together with you while knowing you struggled with that was ultimately my choice. but despite all of that, you still have some responsibility. addiction is an illness, not an excuse to treat people like shit. but with all that being said, i respect that you've moved on and seem to be in a much better place now. really, i'm happy for you.

oh, i don't think that time would automatically erases the past, but a man can dream. you do know you just made it so i will be sneaking a subtle daddy into every conversation we have from here on out, right? you're really sticking to the whole "pete's the bad guy" narrative there, huh, nikki? i know i made mistakes during our relationship and that addiction is an illness, not an excuse, but drugs tend to make people do fucked up shit, that they wouldn't otherwise do. so i'm sorry for treating you like shit and with all that being said i'm happy for you too. heard you're in a healthy relationship like a true grownup. how does that feel?

mate, what ended up happening with that boat that you and colin jost bought together a couple years ago? i remember there being talk about turning it into some sort of cruise experience with a restaurant and shit, but i haven’t heard anything since. is that still on the table or nah?

hey, you treat her with respect. boat? what the hell, man? she's a ferry. a new york staple. we're talking about converting her into an accessible entertainment venue, with a restaurant and the whole shebang. it's still on the table, but finding waterfront locations for sale around new york city is... a pain, to say the least. and now i've got a kid at home, so i'm not really very involved these days.

and here i thought you were used to women screaming at you on a daily basis. see, now you're not making any sense because if you had no fans screaming at you, why even perform to begin with? i think you just unlocked my biggest fear: no one showing up to our concerts and just hearing crickets. no worries, man. the macarena is also considered a dance…

i have women screaming at me on the days i leave my house, which are few and far between, so i'm not used to it anymore. i don't fucking know, man. for the love of the craft or whatever the artists say? at least if you heard crickets at a show it was because no one was there, and not because you suck. i think that might feel worse, right? the macarena is too complicated. like, what the fuck do you mean i have to jump and land 90 degrees different? and i won't lie... i had to google how to do the macarena and read a tutorial on wikihow, because i have no idea, man.

I wish I had a better explanation than I was unsure about doing a fourth season, but here we are. Yeah they had to pretty heavily convince me of this and maybe raise my salary in the process. Not that salary has anything to do with how much I love the show. Yeah still trippy you had a kid with my ex Elsie but New York is actually very small dating pool. Welcome to fatherhood aint it a trip.

why were you unsure, man? was it just not worth it for the previous salary? it's a hit show with a dedicated fan-base, so i don't see why you wouldn't. especially since you have a reason to rock the mustache for a while longer. or was it a fake 'stache? if so, i'll be very disappointed. hey, i wasn't going to bring it up... but your eloquent segue brings me to a heartfelt apology. i'm sorry that you had to deal with her crazy how ever long you were together. i love my daughter, don't get me wrong, but her mother is a piece of work. no wonder we broke up before the birth. because i sometimes step back and go... i picked her?

i do have a part in it. Odysseus' son which is pretty cool. i mean, being matt damon and anne hathaway's son is like a dream part. you got to tell me what you think of it when you've seen it. same here, i always have to check how to spell it correctly. uhm, it's quite a famous story but i don't think you need that much prior knowledge. you can just sit and enjoy the movie and learn a little while watching it. kind of like Troy, you know? you get to know the characters and why they were important in a certain part of history.

that sounds cool, man. is that because of your baby face? or how old is the dad supposed to be? and yes, i say dad because i will not attempt to spell or pronounce the name out of fear of fucking it up in front of someone with a role in the movie. wait, anne hathaway? bro, she's a total milf, so you're lucky to get to work with her. did you ever shoot your shot? it's a famous story that i lied about reading in high school. "troy" was a sick movie and if the oddy-movie is anything like that then you're golden.

private: you caught me. i'm like that meme of wolverine in bed touching the picture frame. i think even if i did miss you - mind you, there's a big emphasis on that if - this interaction so far would probably have me reconsidering that. i think you know better than most that there's always a small level of chaos wherever i'm living. this time it just grew a little too much since i was traveling so much and kept putting things off. the second i saw the hat and bong, i couldn't believe you hadn't reached out or had someone reach out at least for them. i can spare them from the stress of an ebay auction and just give them back. the rest? might not be so lucky. you really expect me to sell everything individually? i thought pitching it as some kind of 'pete davidson treasure chest' would make it a bigger seller. plus less work so really, the biggest win-win at the end of the day. in your favor?? how is that fair? especially considering you left all these things to fend for themselves. at least i've been giving them a good (and messy) home all this time.

private: i think you do miss me even though i'm an idiot sometimes, but you're just too proud to admit you do. but it's fine... totally fine. i'll just cry myself to sleep tonight at the thought of not being missed. true as fuck. you might look put together and like your home would be all immaculately organized and shit, but i don't think people understand how messy you are and how chaotic it can be to hang out at your place. why can't i just have all my shit back, instead of any of it going up for sale on ebay? the stress of the auction will just make all my stuff depressed, especially when no one will bid on it. hell yes, that's what i expect! the treasure chest idea won't sell, and you'll just be stuck with all my shit even longer. might as well put some work in to get rid of it piece by piece. yes, in my favor, but i'll budge... 65/35 in my favor. that's not a bad deal if you ask me. honestly though, as long as i get the hat and the bong back, i'm good and you can sell all my other shit, including all the hoodies, t-shirts and whatever else you stole when we were together. do me a favor though? keep the plaid hoodie i wore in the infamous lollipop shot. i think that'll be worth a lot in the future or it'll be something to remember me by when you're old and gray.

there's definitely no statute of limitations when it comes to awkwardness, pete. you're not exactly the easiest person to get dumped by and by that i mean the "peace out" followed by being ghosted. the only reason i'm even indulging this conversation is because i have a small hope you've matured. but i'm doing good… what about you? still a douchebag?

damn, here i was hoping that i'd be exonerated of all the awkwardness i've caused throughout the years by the statute of limitations. i was in a bad spot and you know that, but if you want to see it as some dramatic "ghosting" situation when i broke up with you to get checked into rehab because i was drunk and high during a majority of our relationship, you go right on ahead. some might say i've matured since i'm officially a dad and not just daddy, but i'd like to keep a little youth left in me. hm, still a douchebag? no. still a little bit chaotic and a good time? yes.

private: i swear this is actually the truth and not just some line. i've been cleaning and sorting through some things so i don't come back home after tour to a house of chaos and mess and i know all these details you don't exactly need to hear but there's a point, i promise. i found some of your old things. i figured with how long it's been you've probably forgotten all about them but it didn't feel right finding them and not letting you know. i could send them to you or maybe sell them on eBay as an exclusive 'pete davidson authentic box of things.' if i did that, i'd even consider splitting the profits. @petedavidsns

private: hmm, i don't know if i believe that's the truth and not some line. you could always just admit that you've miss me and kiss a picture of me every night before you go to sleep, ari. i won't blame you. i'm pretty missable. no, but for real, why was your house full of chaos? you found some of my old things? sick. like all those hoodies and t-shirts you used to steal from me? my yankees baseball cap i was too scared to reach out to you to ask for? my favorite bong? wait, wait, wait, hold up a fucking minute... you would sell my shit on e-bay by the box? not individual items? i think we're make more that way. if you do end up selling it, i think the profit should be split 70/30 in my favor, since you know... it's my stuff at the end of the day.