— a story ft. feelings

May our paths intertwined. May our hearts converse. And when our souls meet, even in just a heart beat let's enjoy our time to keep. Let me sink deep into your vastness; unravel the verses of your pages; explore the universe in your eyes; and get drenched with your smiles and tears. I'll paint your laughter and draw your smiles. I'll listen to the music that our hearts will sing, for even in their silence forms a symphony. But love, as I whisper the words to the stars above and talk to the moon of the could haves, might bes and what ifs – all of these are nothing but wishes carried by the wind that I'm hoping that would reach you. I am humbled by you. I am bothered by you. But, what you are is an incomprehensible mix of reality and dreams. What you are is my madness hiding in a calm sea.

I posted 16 times in 2021

11 posts created (69%)

5 posts reblogged (31%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 0.5 posts.

I added 17 tags in 2021

#thoughts - 5 posts

#readables - 4 posts

#spilledink - 2 posts

#forkeeps - 2 posts

#writerscreed - 1 posts

#fucking let me live a life - 1 posts

#might delete - 1 posts

#personal truth untold - 1 posts

Longest Tag: 26 characters

#fucking let me live a life

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

This photo was taken last sunday night (08.9.15) when I was on my way home. I rode a bus and the view that the rain creates as the water flows down the window while we pass the flyover was stunning. So I took this shot.

How cool it is that the rain can soothe your mood and make you feel tranquilty in melancholy. How colors and lights will light up brightly like stars in the sky, but more colorful and much, much alive. The ambiance it creates gives you a sense of being in a sherlock holmes series, investigating the night for it's secret; A romantic movie, getting wet and in a melodramatic reunion; An adventure that is yet to unfold; or an unexplanable contentment and bliss in it's presence. Sometimes, it feels like you're entering a different world when it rains. The rain as it is, is beautiful or terrifying in it's nature.

7 notes • Posted 2021-08-11 13:19:43 GMT

#4

It's not even the middle of the week, but I'm drained af.

7 notes • Posted 2021-06-01 12:25:01 GMT

#3

March 23, 2021

I am here, again.

Hello.

It’s been a long time since I’ve written something here. There have been a lot of things that had happened and I am really worn out. I don’t even know why I update here. I wanted it to be therapeutic, but I don’t think I can be consistent with this. Things that I love doing have been a struggle for a long time now. Well, future self let’s say this is for you. I guess this’ll be some sort of a reminder where you’ve been. Let’s say this could be something that you can read to help you retrospect. So, here it is.

Mental Health.

It’s been roughly six months now since you consulted a professional and was diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorder. It would help if by the time you are reading this you’ve taken a psychological test. I can’t help but think that there is more to this diagnosis. I think it’s just the tip of the iceberg. But, now you are managing. You are now prioritizing your mental health and you are really trying hard to become a better version of yourself each day. It needed someone who is a professional to consider all of this kept feelings both present and past as valid as my existence. It’s a tragic thing that you’ve barely got anyone who believes in you even for the right amount.

Family

It’s still not looking good. You’re in the province and trying to recurperate. It’s been months since you’ve last stayed in your own house. I guess the weight is too much to bear now. Mentally, you can’t sustain. You’ve been drained too much that you can’t even be in peace in the place where your roots are. It took roughly five months before your family found out about your mental state. Before, there was a handful of people you’ve disclosed your status. And now, it’s kinda out in the open to those around you. If you did not breakdown and had a panic attack during ‘that conversation’ they wouldn’t have found out. I’ve realized how true what they say is; that the worst criticism and words that wounds does not come from people outside, it comes from your own home. And it hurts that they can’t even understand what you’ve been struggling with. You can’t choose the family you are born in. Take comfort in knowing that you can choose who can hurt you. Best keep that in mind. 

You also just found out that during this battle you have your sister fighting battles for you that you are not even aware of. And your partner is by your side supporting, understanding, and growing with you. You. are. not. alone. It’s always okay not to be okay. It’s always okay to be yourself and vulnerable,

Friends

Choose the company you keep. Take courage and burn bridges when needed. Right now, you still have no courage to do so. You still look past their faults, and choose only to see the good. Time spent cannot equate the quality and sincerity that you can have with somebody, even in platonic relationships. I hope you find it in your heart to forgive yourself, and understand that it’s not wrong to burn bridges most especially when those bridges leads to dangerous paths, or at the very least a path not worth taking. You’ve embraced part of your individuality. You’ve shared your thoughts and you’ve discovered those who genuinely care, and it’s dispointing. You are in confusion if any of them genuinely care. You’ve realized that caring isn’t just in thought and through words, it should and must be through actions too.

You’ve recently have had a conversation with your high school circle and they’ve disappointed you. It’s hard to determine where you stand in their lives. It made you feel that you are just tolerated. They made you realize that being friends made you an exemption, and that the community you are part in is a nuance that they deemed should be tolerated. And all the traces of acceptance from them became tolerance, and their words became a cliche of parroted words. It was tough, even those who you thought would understand are stuck in the illusion that this tolerance is acceptance. They have a long way to go, and you can’t determine if you are just making excuses for them or you understand that they are in a process of growth and acceptance. You have to understand that as you grow and become wiser, so should your circle too.

Financial Stability, Career, the future.. my goals.

One word. Responsibilities. It’s your anchor and also your drive. But, you can only do so much and you can only take so much. Right now you are a mess when it comes to prioritizing them. It’s because you want to do all of them all at once. Learn to take it one step at a time. I know, it’s hard and you know it. But, hopefully I’ve overcome this challenge. The enemy is stagnation, and the key is discipline. It’s a struggle to keep consistency most especially when an episode happens, but I must be firm and strong. That’s what I always tell myself. Yet, I barely accomplish anything.

There’s actually good news tho. Always thank your favorite human for helping you realize things and calming you when things get messy. 

It’s almost the end of the first quarter of the year 2021 and I’ve achieved some of my short term and semi-long term goals. The highlight would be getting started on your insurance and investment, been planning this for a couple of years and have failed. But, now here we are making it happen. Also, one of my biggest insecurites is my teeth, and in the last quarter of 2020 I’ve made improvements! Thanks to this gut feeling of knowing-that-you-would-never-do-it-unless-you-do-it-now feeling.

I have people in need of my support, I barely support them hopefully by the third quarter of this year I’ve become more stable (in all aspect) or at least have a concrete plan in place and rolling.

Starting a business is hard, so before anything else I need to learn more! I’ve always been fond of learning, and this is another door I am yet to open. It’s pretty good to idealize, but materializing them into a reality is hardwork! I hope I am up for the challenge ahead.

There are a lot of more things I wanted to put into writing. However, it’s been a long time since I did this and I can only do so much now. Things are working out slowly, but surely. And keeping tabs on the what-to-be’s and would-be’s will only the energy in me. 

The reason I am in the province is to keep myself from blaming my family for all of my frustrations. I am trying to distance myself not because I don’t care, but I care too much that it’s hurting me. I need room to breathe; time for myself. I can’t always be the friend, the cousin, the ‘kuya’, the son, the breadwinner, the this and that that other people need me to be. I need to be myself. And I need to find myself. The reason why I keep things to myself more than ever is that I can no longer bear to waste my energy explaining myself. I am lost, and I am slowly trying to find myself. I am trying to rebuild myself. I am healing from all the wounds and bruises. I’ve been a yes-man for so long that it finally took its toll on me.

I am now the one needing support. I am now the one needing assitance and reaasurance. It’s really heartbreaking that I can’t get those simple things. I may be idealizing too much, or maybe I am just realizing that I’ve been treated unfairly for so long. Sadly, I am the one who made it possible. I kinda did it to myself by the company I am keeping, and shit that I accepted and tolerated. 

This is necessary. I know all this would be part of who I will become. And I hope who I become is someone I am proud to be, by that time all this will make sense.

Fighting, self! 

I wish you a dream come true (If no one would, what better way to get it than from yourself, right?)

7 notes • Posted 2021-03-23 18:51:39 GMT

#2

25th

10 notes • Posted 2021-07-09 13:18:28 GMT

#1

I wanted to be someone big. I wanted to be something more than just the ordinary. I wanted to be part of something bigger than myself. I wanted to be more than what I am. But, I can only live fleeting moments of awe. I can only imagine a purposeful life. I wanted to become, yet I am still what is not. I am only bits and pieces of something grand—a twinkle in a moonlit night—a whisper of the winds that brushes in the quiet.

21 notes • Posted 2021-03-24 15:24:00 GMT

This photo was taken last sunday night (08.9.15) when I was on my way home. I rode a bus and the view that the rain creates as the water flows down the window while we pass the flyover was stunning. So I took this shot.

*TIGHT HUG*🤗

I know it's hard but keep fighting, Okay?

I am going through some difficult situations. And, yes, I am suffering from depression and anxiety disorder. I need to let this thought go, so I'm writing it down.

I saw this facebook post from a highschool classmate saying to "...check on your friends.." because apparently while he was at SM Southmall a man jumped from the third floor inside the mall. After I read this I am bothered. It's not something new. Things like these suicide acts have been on the news in the past. But, there's something about this specific act of taking your own life by jumping from high places that realy bothers me.

A little background, have you ever watched the movie #Y (Hashtag Y)? A film in 2014 which was directed by Gino M. Santos as an entry for CINEMALAYA 2014. The film refers to the Generation Y and tackles the dilemma or show a small part of what this generation is going through as they are made universal by technology, social media, sex, and drugs, etc. Elmo Magalona's character here, Miles commited suicide by jumping off from a roof top of a building. This is one of those films that really made noise in the public about something that is rarely talked about, Mental Health. Anyway, Elmo's character Miles has a way of putting his thoughts about jumping from top of a building into sort of a fleeting and liberating experience. He said at that moment as he was falling, he felt free... from all the things that is weighing him down. He. was. smiling. as he slowly hit the ground and life slip out of him.

I understood what he meant as a viewer, but I never thought that I would really get it. I never thought that it would hit dangerously close to home years later. This was, I think? between 2019-2020. I had a big fight with my fav hooman. And it was big fight that made me emotionally and mentally exhausted. We were about to sleep, he ended up facing at the opposite side of the bed as I did too. I was near the edge when my hands slightly fell off the edge of the bed. Then, slowly I moved my body closer to the edge and this movie along with this narrative that this character Miles had had etched into my mind. Falling, it's fleeting and liberating. Free. Those moments that is breathtaking (literally breath-taking lol) takes you into another world out of the mundane. The uncertainty and the finality of this uncertainty, death. Part of me at that moment know that this was wrong. Part of me wanted to separate from the person that I am at that moment. Part of me wanted to runaway from this version of me slowly trying to let himself fall down the floor. And then I fell down the edge of the bed. I got up. Went up the bed and fell again. A couple of times until I was stopped.

That part of me that wanted to runaway from this version of me failed. And it scares me as I think back to that time. What if it wasn't just a bed? What if I was somewhere else? What if I was somewhere higher, somewhere dangerously high?

I am here, again.

Hello.

It’s been a long time since I’ve written something here. There have been a lot of things that had happened and I am really worn out. I don’t even know why I update here. I wanted it to be therapeutic, but I don’t think I can be consistent with this. Things that I love doing have been a struggle for a long time now. Well, future self let’s say this is for you. I guess this’ll be some sort of a reminder where you’ve been. Let’s say this could be something that you can read to help you retrospect. So, here it is.

Mental Health.

It’s been roughly six months now since you consulted a professional and was diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorder. It would help if by the time you are reading this you’ve taken a psychological test. I can’t help but think that there is more to this diagnosis. I think it’s just the tip of the iceberg. But, now you are managing. You are now prioritizing your mental health and you are really trying hard to become a better version of yourself each day. It needed someone who is a professional to consider all of this kept feelings both present and past as valid as my existence. It’s a tragic thing that you’ve barely got anyone who believes in you even for the right amount.

Family

It’s still not looking good. You’re in the province and trying to recurperate. It’s been months since you’ve last stayed in your own house. I guess the weight is too much to bear now. Mentally, you can’t sustain. You’ve been drained too much that you can’t even be in peace in the place where your roots are. It took roughly five months before your family found out about your mental state. Before, there was a handful of people you’ve disclosed your status. And now, it’s kinda out in the open to those around you. If you did not breakdown and had a panic attack during ‘that conversation’ they wouldn’t have found out. I’ve realized how true what they say is; that the worst criticism and words that wounds does not come from people outside, it comes from your own home. And it hurts that they can’t even understand what you’ve been struggling with. You can’t choose the family you are born in. Take comfort in knowing that you can choose who can hurt you. Best keep that in mind. 

You also just found out that during this battle you have your sister fighting battles for you that you are not even aware of. And your partner is by your side supporting, understanding, and growing with you. You. are. not. alone. It’s always okay not to be okay. It’s always okay to be yourself and vulnerable,

Friends

Choose the company you keep. Take courage and burn bridges when needed. Right now, you still have no courage to do so. You still look past their faults, and choose only to see the good. Time spent cannot equate the quality and sincerity that you can have with somebody, even in platonic relationships. I hope you find it in your heart to forgive yourself, and understand that it’s not wrong to burn bridges most especially when those bridges leads to dangerous paths, or at the very least a path not worth taking. You’ve embraced part of your individuality. You’ve shared your thoughts and you’ve discovered those who genuinely care, and it’s dispointing. You are in confusion if any of them genuinely care. You’ve realized that caring isn’t just in thought and through words, it should and must be through actions too.

You’ve recently have had a conversation with your high school circle and they’ve disappointed you. It’s hard to determine where you stand in their lives. It made you feel that you are just tolerated. They made you realize that being friends made you an exemption, and that the community you are part in is a nuance that they deemed should be tolerated. And all the traces of acceptance from them became tolerance, and their words became a cliche of parroted words. It was tough, even those who you thought would understand are stuck in the illusion that this tolerance is acceptance. They have a long way to go, and you can’t determine if you are just making excuses for them or you understand that they are in a process of growth and acceptance. You have to understand that as you grow and become wiser, so should your circle too.

Financial Stability, Career, the future.. my goals.

One word. Responsibilities. It’s your anchor and also your drive. But, you can only do so much and you can only take so much. Right now you are a mess when it comes to prioritizing them. It’s because you want to do all of them all at once. Learn to take it one step at a time. I know, it’s hard and you know it. But, hopefully I’ve overcome this challenge. The enemy is stagnation, and the key is discipline. It’s a struggle to keep consistency most especially when an episode happens, but I must be firm and strong. That’s what I always tell myself. Yet, I barely accomplish anything.

There’s actually good news tho. Always thank your favorite human for helping you realize things and calming you when things get messy. 

It’s almost the end of the first quarter of the year 2021 and I’ve achieved some of my short term and semi-long term goals. The highlight would be getting started on your insurance and investment, been planning this for a couple of years and have failed. But, now here we are making it happen. Also, one of my biggest insecurites is my teeth, and in the last quarter of 2020 I’ve made improvements! Thanks to this gut feeling of knowing-that-you-would-never-do-it-unless-you-do-it-now feeling.

I have people in need of my support, I barely support them hopefully by the third quarter of this year I’ve become more stable (in all aspect) or at least have a concrete plan in place and rolling.

Starting a business is hard, so before anything else I need to learn more! I’ve always been fond of learning, and this is another door I am yet to open. It’s pretty good to idealize, but materializing them into a reality is hardwork! I hope I am up for the challenge ahead.

There are a lot of more things I wanted to put into writing. However, it’s been a long time since I did this and I can only do so much now. Things are working out slowly, but surely. And keeping tabs on the what-to-be’s and would-be’s will only drain the energy in me. 

The reason I am in the province is to keep myself from blaming my family for all of my frustrations. I am trying to distance myself not because I don’t care, but I care too much that it’s hurting me. I need room to breathe; time for myself. I can’t always be the friend, the cousin, the ‘kuya’, the son, the breadwinner, the this and that that other people need me to be. I need to be myself. And I need to find myself. The reason why I keep things to myself more than ever is that I can no longer bear to waste my energy explaining myself. I am lost, and I am slowly trying to find myself. I am trying to rebuild myself. I am healing from all the wounds and bruises. I’ve been a yes-man for so long that it finally took its toll on me.

I am now the one needing support. I am now the one needing assitance and reaasurance. It’s really heartbreaking that I can’t get those simple things. I may be idealizing too much, or maybe I am just realizing that I’ve been treated unfairly for so long. Sadly, I am the one who made it possible. I kinda did it to myself by the company I am keeping, and shit that I accepted and tolerated. 

This is necessary. I know all this would be part of who I will become. And I hope who I become is someone I am proud to be, by that time all this will make sense.

Fighting, self!