TWO ROCKS IN A TRENCH COAT

I’m not sure if this is standard procedure. I used to hate my birthday for like a decade. Like the first while to be edgy and then because of s-word ideation but like... i’m excited this time.. or I want to be??

“Aww. I left it on. Oh, I’ll just grab the metal tray with my BARE HAND.”

Nothing went wrong.

I’m physically invulnerable to extreme heat because of sheer force of will.

I go into the comments section of ambient sound videos like one where someone “drives you home” or a crackling fire place with a thunderstorm outside. Like, so many people have these cutsy wholesome conversations or RP random stuff. Like.. i don’t expect that out youtube but damn, it’s just the best.

I’m feeling like shit.

Time to read erotic!

PEACE the fuck out to OBLIVION.

Follow your dreams,

And never look back!

Me: show me some bone ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

My human partner: uh...

Me: shit, wrong species. If only there was a skeleton in my closet that I could woo!

*checks closet to find no horny skeletons*

Me: ah well, murder it is.

My human partner: wut???

Me, showing my incomprehensible chicken scratches to Flopsy: LOOK AT MY MASTERPIECE!!!! It has hand holding! There’s even a cute life lesson and everything!

Flopsy looks at it for a solid 5 seconds, then looks away.

After: PLEASE, pretty PLEASSSSSE, can we go back? With a cherry on top?

Me: IGNORED! Phone here. Phone everything. Phone is... my precious

Flopsy: *jumps on said phone*