Save Yourself, I’ll Hold Them Back

sometimes i think i might understand a little of why my oldest brother stopped talking to all of us. feels bad

like i know im queer and i love to complain about cishet bullshit but sometimes i feel like my family excludes me because of that when like.. i would have liked to have at least been presented with the choice of going (or not) to my step brother’s wedding for example but they chose for me (my gay brother went though). i would have liked to have gone. like i still wanna be included in family stuff even if it does make me feel weird like i still care about and love everyone. deciding to exclude me and not even invite me to things just makes my alienation feel worse. like there’s a difference between me choosing not to engage with something and someone else choosing that they know better than me y’know. like i’m pretty sure my mom and step brother and brother had dinner together on saturday and they didn’t even invite me. what the hell dude.?

sometimes when im with my whole family i feel like a teenager again and it sucks. i should be able to emotionally regulate better im fucking 30 jesus christ it’s so stupid and pathetic

oddly lots of talk of “if they decide to change the baby’s name they’re gonna have a lotta stuff with it on it” and none (aside from me) about “if the baby grows up and decides to change their name they’re gonna have a lotta stuff on it” which feels more likely to happen than the first given what i know about why they chose the name they did. and i don’t mean this in a “you should never put the name you chose for your baby on their things because they might change their mind later” kinda way but more like. remember to be open to the fact that your child might be trans or the expectations you have for them of how they perform their gender might not be how they actually live…. y’know? anyways the cis are at it again as always but it’s never overt transphobia its just the water they’re swimming in