farah

my maternal grandmother (how is it that english doesn’t has different words for family members?? everyone’s an aunt and both your grandmothers are just that. how do english speakers tell the difference) passed away last night. i was in the subway. it wasn’t my first time crying on the subway but it was the first i had to force myself to. i’d just read the text about her passing away and it didn’t generate an immediate sorrow. maybe it’s because im so far away and distanced from the reality. or maybe because i was never really close to her. i wasn’t her favourite grandchild for sure. but it still feels so sudden. i’ve wished sometimes that i’d get a text announcing her death rather than my mom pitching an another proposal to me. all my professors think she’s already dead because i’ve lied about it to ask for an extension. now that she actually is, i can’t bring myself to. they’d understand but also it’s just wrong? but who am i talk to about what’s wrong and what’s right. i know i don’t have any morals. i may not be able to cry for her, but i can’t help but think about her now. i didn’t know her as a person. she was just nano. my mothers mother. maybe even the reason why my mother is the way she is. i don’t even know how old she was. i don’t think she even knew. she’d never been to a school. she couldn’t read or write or maybe she did and i never bothered to ask. she didn’t know her own birthday. i don’t know what she was like when she was a child. i wonder if my mother knows or did she also never bothered to ask. why is it that we don’t know anything about our mothers. why are they just that- mothers?

how is this is going to hurt not a tag? like did none of y’all watch one of the best shows that came out last year? this is giving hingeophobia: dislike of or prejudice against unhinged, fruitloops with dead best friends

i don’t have the guts to say it on twitter because film twitter scary as hell but YOONGI’s CONCERT WAS SO WONG KAR WAI- esque. the colors, the camera angels. it was just so asian cinema, im emo and gay vibe, i loved it.