I will write it here because it's the only platform where no one knows who I am and none of my firends follow me, so yeah, that's what I need right now.
I've been wondering for months now how is it possible that, even though I'm the one who left him, I've been suffering so hard for the breakup. At first it was because I didn't want him to suffer because of me, I can't bear the thought of causing people even the slightest pain. And that's also why it took me so long to leave him, wondering for months why I couldn't just be happy, why I couldn't just love him back as much as he loved me. But I wasn't happy, I hadn't been for long. I often cried, which should not be normal in a functional relationship. I did not feel like I could accept some aspects of him which made my skin crawl, and it wasn't fair to be with him knowing that I couldn't get over some of his behaviours. And these behaviours were really unacceptable for me, morally speaking. Still, I could feel his love so strongly - I think I still can, which makes me hurt even more. Leaving him was one of the hardest things I had to do in my life, but it was for my own mental health, for my own happiness. It felt like the right choice, but I hurt so much. I didn't want him to suffer.
And then, when I got over it, I met a boy, and we went out for some time, and we kissed, and I was so happy because wow, I felt like someone that was not him could love me just the same. But then this guy showed me the reddest flag, and we stopped seeing each other, and since then I fell in my pit of darkest feelings again.
I started thinking about him again, I started wondering whether I was the bad one, the one who wasn't able to get over some parts of him and just appreciate the infinite love he gave me. But I think I reached a realisation now, I'm not sure, but maybe that's it: I loved him so much, but I didn't love the way he loved me back. Yes, I was his whole universe, but I was on his terms: we never did the things I wanted to do, he dismissed some of my deepest (and very well founded) fears regarding our relationship by saying "this again??", it was always "I want this, I want that" and never "hey, what do you think about this?". I loved flowers, and I had to beg him to get me some, and despite my begging he never did. I loved going to the seaside and he literally lived there, and yet all those few times we actually went to the beach it felt like I was forcing him. I loved St. Valentine's Day and I always did him something handmade, and he never cared, he never got me anything, we never spent it together.
All these things are small and seemingly irrelevant, but that's not the way I want to be loved. They piled on one another and they started weighing on me so hard, for so long. And still, I wondered why I couldn't just get past them and accept all the other small ways in which he did love me.
I guess I need love my own way, I guess I don't want to settle. But man, it's so hard right now not to fall back into the old ways. It's so hard not to text him and tell him that I'm sorry, that I can make it work, that if we both try a little harder we can be happy. But I've tried very hard for so long. And deep down I know that it would end the same way, with me having to leave him because he cannot love me how I need him to. But it's a rational thought, and rationality leaves me at night, in my dreams, in my moments of loneliness.
I don't know what I feel, I don't know how to get over this tornado of feelings. I just don't know.
