·:*¨༺ ♱✮♱ ༻¨*:·

(rated by their efficacy and how satisfying they would be to fend off a home invasion)

wooden bat. solid, heavy duty, could easily be used to rattle the bones of a nighttime intruder. perfectly serviceable weapon, if a bit heavy handed. a bit lacking in pizzazz though. where’s the style? where’s the razzle dazzle? still, i could give a house burglar a concussion with this, and ultimately that is what matters. 6/10

shiny aluminum baseball bat. now we’re talking. does everything the first bat does, but makes a pleasant ringing thud when it finally comes into contact with a home intruder’s skull. that’s what sells it right there. grievous bodily harm, and grievous injury to ego. now with sound effects straight out of a roadrunner cartoon. baby go night night with a riiiiing. i hit you with this, your head starts ringing like a churchbell. 8.5/10

i changed my mind: now we’re talking. has all the bells and whistles of the aforementioned models, with the added advantage that after you kick the sucker’s ass, you get to stand over them and add insult to injury. behold evildoer, you just got your ass handed to you by the cute and unforgiving face of Hello Kitty. 10/10

lacks the razzmatazz of hello kitty, but still a perfectly usable weapon. a true classic. add some stickers & neon duct tape and we’re good to go. just be careful not to stub your toe when cleaning your room. 10/10

yes, that is a katana doubling as a baseball. yes, this is overkill. no, i’m not complaining. truly glorious. you can kick someone’s ass with a bat, and if the sucker still won’t go down? then we move on to ROUND TWO. imagine you take a few swings at an intruder, they’re looking around for a makeshift weapon, a broom handle or something, but then they look back and you’re unsheathing a second, sharper weapon. from within the same weapon. how fucked up would that be???? 11/10 probably not useful for baseball but why would you want to waste a baseball bat doing sports

BATS!!! Let’s start right off the (heh) bat, with this delightful munchkin of whom I am so personally fond, the Hammerhead Bat!!!

most precious creature in existence, I want to bop its snoot. 100/100

next up: Buettikofer’s Epauletted Fruit Bat! A type of megabat (yes that’s a thing). looks like someone stuck the head of a disgruntled greyhound on top of an itty bitty bat body. 100/100

continuing with the delightful canine theme, may I present: Bulldog Bat (100/100)

and now, the Spotted Bat! because scientists really took a look at this fucker and said “you know what its most distinguishing feature is?”

that’s right, its spots. I can’t bring myself to deduct points from this heavenly creature just because humans dropping the ball on the name. 100/100 you’re doing amazing my darling.

thankfully, biologists did a better job naming the Giant Golden-Crowned Flying Fox

Golden? sorta. Flying fox? oh sure. Giant? YUH-UP. huge fucking unit, I hope you’re having a fantastic day sweetheart, 100/100

on the opposite end of the size spectrum, we have the absolutely sensational Honduran White Bat:

blinding perfection. 100/100 I want to use them as tiny cotton balls

equally near and dear in my affections, may I present: the Hairless Bat

Ma’am that is a naked mole rat with wings. 1000/1000

and finally, a big round of applause for the Wrinkle-Lipped Free-Tailed Bat!!!

those are just BABIES though, here is a Responsible Adult:

1000/1000 all bats are perfection incarnate

Bonus of the hairless bat because I Love Them:

Bonus bonus: Buettikofer’s Epauletted Fruit Bat with its mouth full of fruit. I love you Buettikofer’s Epauletted Fruit Bat

But this is a the Locked Tomb fandom, everybody here is either a lesbian or an evil woman apologist, every time Ianthe commits a crime against humanity we clasp our hands together in prayer and thank Muir for this meal. I never once heard anybody in this fandom try to fix Ianthe but I saw many posts and fanfics about how we could make her worse. She is an evil leucistic stick in an incestious relationship with her own sister, she also ate one person and lobotomized an other, when she'll return in Alecto the Ninth I know we will all cheer like it's the fucking super bowl.