I have found You can find Happiness in slavery

Like, I should be the one getting my T dick tortured, but I'm not on T and i don't have a partner😔

I found myself wanting to suck my thumb today to comfort myself. At the age of 20. I had the urge to put my thumb in my mouth and hold a plushie.

I sucked my thumb until I was 16. I only stopped because I got braces. I had nobody to comfort me, so I found a way to comfort myself.

I sucked my own thumb like a lamb sucks it's mother's teat. I used to watch them on my grandparents farm. They were so urgent about it. They'd run to their mother's and suck so quickly it made them choke. You could see their tummies fill up. Like, they'd get noticeably rounder. They had no idea when, or if their next meal would come, so they rushed themselves.

My favourite plushie is a lamb. It's all threadbare and stained. Full of holes and a patches. I dragged it around everywhere until I was maybe 10? When it was no longer normal to carry a plushie. But I still sleep with it every night.

I feel like I'm becoming more childlike as I get older. I'm regressing to what should have been a safer time of my life. I guess I'm giving myself the childhood I never got to have. My life is hard and scary and I'm done with trying to be strong. I need to be soft and comforted.

I didn't suck my thumb for long. It felt weird. My teeth are adult teeth now. Sharp and hard. And I have adult hands. But I grabbed my lamb and duvet and I have a warm cup of tea.

Nobody is going to hold me and I have no mother sheep... well not one who will comfort me. So I'll take care of myself. I will give myself some kindness and gentleness. The kindness and gentleness I deserve.

It feels like I laid on it too long. But it keeps happening during the day, so that can't be the cause

There are so many massive tender bruises that I didn't cause too. Like, they just show up sometimes

I don't know if it's the lupus meds or the lupus😭 or whatever the fuck else is wrong with me.

Bruises and aches are symptoms and side effects of everything i take and all of the conditions i have😭

Every time a new symptom shows up I get so afraid

Like, will it be here forever? Will it just not go away this time? Is this another thing I have to learn to live with?

Will I never be able to wear shorts again because it looks like my legs were beaten black and blue?

Wearing socks is painful. Anything that puts pressure on it is hell.

"People who decide not to have children are on their last reincarnation. Their souls are ready to turn back into the universe after this life" like get reabsorbed? OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT

She then turned to me and said

"Lucky you. You get off after this one"

Like off the reincarnation cycle.

I don't believe in reincarnation and I do want children. I told her it wasn't my choice not to have them. I live in a shitty world that has taken away any chance I had to have a family or raise a baby. Having a partner and adopting a baby has always been my dream. She knew that.

She said "oh... right"

Then moved on.

Lucky fucking me.

I can't have a family and I can't even hope for my next life to be better because this was my last chance

When I was a young girl (When I was younger)

I knew a boy like you (You thought you knew me)

Threw my heart over a fence (Well, I thought I’d make it painful)

I feel proud of myself

"I don't want to talk about this"

"This is hurting me"

"I don't want to do that thing/talk to that person"

"Don't speak to me like that"

"Please don't touch me"

I'm up to 5mm now

They're still smol, but they're noticeably stretched y'know?

I love the feeling of sizing up

Like, the satisfying burn as the plug finally passes through the hole

The white hot pain that only lasts for a second and knocks the air out of me

Then the throbbing after

Having to be aware of how I lay down, so I don't hurt them

I like being aware of little temporary pains in my body

Like bruises or healing mods

It's grounding

It's getting less painful as I'm getting up to bigger sizes, but it's still nice

I'm not in this body

In this house

There is no pain

Hunger

Boredom

Tiredness

I'm somewhere warm and soft

There's no sensation but the feeling of another person touching my skin

Tingles spreading across my body

I can focus on it

Get lost in it

I crave blueberry pancakes and the ingredients are in the house

I know I can get up and make them

I can stand without feeling pain

I will eat them and they will make my tummy feel good

I will gain some energy for the day

I won't even want caffeine

I like to imagine I am somewhere better as I fall asleep

I get to feel light and floaty just for a moment

The sheets feel like clouds around me

I think that's my favourite part of the day

I don't wanna go to sleep😤 I wanna talk to my friends😾 *stamps feet*

(It's midnight and I keep falling asleep in my chair😭)

Like butterfly kisses, but I'm a moth so...

Just while they're on the bus or whatever

I smile every time I see them

I think they're so beautiful

Sometimes I show my family

Like LOOK! That's my friend!!! Look how cute they are🥹

I hated taking photos of myself. I just didn't for years.

But eventually I wanted to send silly photos back

It felt unbalanced

So I started doing duck faces and peace signs. For them :)

Now I still feel self conscious

I maybe only send one a week

But someone out there sees me and is happy about it

Even if they tell me I look 9 years old or edit me into an alien😭

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Maybe.

What about the rest of me?

The night we made Hannah. If I thought I would never touch him again, never have him, I would die. But nobody dies from lack of sex. It's lack of love we die from."

- June Osborne