"𝕓𝕦𝕥 𝕀 𝕝𝕠𝕧𝕖 𝕙𝕚𝕞"| Reiner Braun (ft. Eren Jaeger)
Previous Chapter
Pairing: Reiner Braun x Reader, hints of Eren Jaeger x Reader
Word Count:
Summary:
TW: kidnapping, hostage situation, angst, unhealthy power dynamics, toxic relationship, Stockholm syndrome, slight yandere! Reiner (?), canon divergent, time inconsistencies cause a girl just jumped right into season 4 without recapping earlier seasons and the manga
Once you’d received Eren’s letter, you stowed yourself in your bedroom and sobbed for hours. From relief that you were not forgotten, grief from all you’d suffered.
Then you’d slipped on one of the pretty blue dresses only Marleyans had the luxury of affording, slipped on your armband, and an uncomfortable pair of shoes, and strolled out your room.
Your nerves were shot when you found Reiner in your small, bare living room, dressed in uniform, a rifle tucked at his side.
He regarded you with apprehension, his breath taken away. It was both beautiful and unsettling to see you dressed in modern clothes. An uncanny sight, as if the pieces were beautiful but didn’t quite fit.
That’s what it was like; looking at you now.
And he averted his gaze, to not make you uncomfortable because even though he held you at night, you were both enemies again by sunrise.
Reiner had made peace with that, accepted it even. He'd gotten his final look anyway.
“Y/N, I want you to know, whatever happens, everything I did - down to the very end was to protect you,” he said, a firm with conviction, gazing at you for the last time. “I tried. It might not have been the right way. But I understand now who I should’ve been protecting you from.”
“What are you talking about?” You whispered with bated breath, and as you studied him, you remembered your promise to each other; ‘If you need me, I’ll know.’
You knew he needed you, although you couldn’t understand why. Still, your heart seemed to race as if to tell you, ‘Something is wrong.’
“The memories, Y/N,” he said. “I didn’t just see you and I together, I saw you dying. Over and over and over again. In different ways, different places, by different people. I had to protect you so I did what I thought was right.”
You couldn't breathe. "What you thought...was right?"
You waited for tears to fall, from frustration or an abomination of love you weren't sure. You were never sure what you were feeling when it came to Reiner anymore. Because he was loving you as he was hurting you because he was both your lover and your enemy, your husband and your captor.
But the tears wouldn't come, as if they were blocked by some hidden dam in your heart.
"You wouldn't," he looked down, hesitated, and then tried again. "You couldn't understand."
You waited for anger to rise in you, the familiar emotion that raged within you whenever Reiner spoke of things he just "couldn't explain." But all that was left was a haggardness that seemed to weigh on your shoulders, and you remembered how so, so tired you truly were.
"Reiner," you whispered. "I never asked you to save me. I never asked you to be my savior. Whatever would've happened, you were supposed to just let it happen, maybe it would've been better than this-"
"You died with Paradis," Reiner said solemnly then."When the world came for the island, all of you lost."
For a moment you were so speechless that not even a thought could formulate, your mind going completely blank and you blinked rapidly, and took a step back.
"I-I don't care," you managed hesitantly. "I would've gladly dedicated my heart-"
"Commander Erwin was willing to sacrifice you and your regiment every single chance he got-"
Your hands grew clammy, but still, slowly, you shook your head. "Captain Levi would've never let him sacrifice me even if I wanted to-"
"And Eren Jaeger would've killed you. Twice," Reiner finished, a dark look in his eyes of gold as if the thought of it enraged him.
If only you could see what he'd seen; Eren Jaeger failing his regiment, leading to your death countless times over, or the darkest memory of all, your mangled body and Eren's dismissive gaze as life literally seeped from your eyes.
How could Reiner not come to the conclusion that he needed to tear you away from Paradis?
But it had come at the cost of hurting you anyway. You were yet another reason he wanted to die, and yet there had once been a time when you were a reason he wanted to live. That maybe, just maybe, he could be a hero. If not to the world, then to you.
Now you were looking at him as if he himself had killed you. As if in saving your life, he had murdered you instead.
You took in all this information as if you'd been hit by a great force, grabbing the edge of a dining room chair for support, squeezing your eyes shut. You waited for tears, for sobs, but still, nothing came out. Though you could feel something inside of you.
You were glad because you were afraid that whatever came out, wouldn't be angry. It was as if with every day you spent in Marley, every night you spent in Reiner's arms, the fighting spirit inside of you ebbed away. Now it came in waves, and whenever you tried to latch on to it, it would fade away - no matter how much you wanted it to stay.
"I don't believe you," you said weakly. "You're-you're lying. You can't see anything, you're just saying this to me so I'll-"
You didn't realize you were crumpling to the floor until Reiner was falling down with you, just as you'd done for him the night before. Just as you'd both done for each other countless times after expeditions. You couldn't help but lean into him as if it were a natural instinct built into you and sob, disgusted at what a betrayal it was to your comrades, yet not wanting to let go.
Reiner's hands were in your hair, brushing back tendrils as he planted a kiss by your temple. He held there, eyes closed, taking in his last moment.
"The last thing I wanted to do was make you cry, princess," he whispered in your ear. "You're the only thing that's ever made any damn sense. Protecting you, it's what kept me moving forward, even when I didn't have a plan anymore," and then, for the first time since Marley, he spoke with complete peace, "And now I've gotta save you again, for the last time."
Something inside of you told he needed you then, 'for the last time,' but you couldn't answer it. You wouldn't. Even if he answered your call every single time, even when you never asked him to.
Because if you gave in, you would never go to meet Eren.
So you kept your eyes shut, even though your heart started to pang.
You felt him back away, kept your head down, as you waited for him to leave.
When the door closed, something tightened in your chest.
Yes, this would be the last time. Because you were going home. Yet why did home feel like it just walked out the door, with Reiner?
You wept.
¥
You found Eren sitting on a bench in front of the hospital, bouncing a ball against the ground. He nearly looked like a stranger with his long hair and amputated leg, no doubt only restrained from growing back by the wrapping gauze around his stump.
For the longest, you just stared at him from the courtyard, the enemy-in-disguise seemingly unbeknownst to your hesitant stature.
He didn't look like the hard-headed boy you knew from your youth. When your father had died, and you used to roam Shigashina to get away from your stepfather, you'd found him reading one of Armin's books near the lake and dared to ask him about titans.
He'd excitedly told you about the outside world, about the freedom beyond the walls, and you had been hooked on giving your life for humanity ever since.
Back then, you would've done anything to get away from home. Even if that meant going out into the unknown, or childish as it was, having a knight come to rescue you like the fairytale books you read with your mother.
Now you had your wish, and you'd even found the knight you had been dreaming about too. The irony made your heart pang, even more so as you remembered the small moment in time where you almost believed that knight had been Eren of all people.
It had been a fleeting moment because then you joined the Survey Corps and met Reiner, and suddenly you couldn't imagine yourself with anyone else.
'Would things have been different if it had been Eren instead?' you wondered, immediately shut down by Reiner's words.
"Eren would've killed you. Twice."
If you had heard that five years ago, you would've respectfully told Reiner he had no idea what he was talking about. That maybe he was just jealous even.
But now, after spending a year in Marley, waiting for your comrades to rescue you without a sliver of hope, a part of you wondered if it was true.
If your comrades could just let you go so easily, did they really love you? Did Eren really love you if he was willing to lay your life down for his?
You shook the thought away. This was what Reiner wanted. He knew what he was doing. He wanted you to abandon all hope and settle into a life with him, right? Right?
Yet even after all Reiner had done, you still couldn't help but believe he only wanted the best for you. You knew him. You knew him. You knew him.
The thoughts that had haunted you for 365 days started to gain momentum, begging you to turn around. Back into the arms of your captor, to this foreign place, to the one person you could trust because Reiner was just protecting you and-
Eren's eyes snagged on yours as he looked up, catching his ball.
Your breath caught, searching wildly through his green eyes, for something. Something that told you he was safe because you didn't know who was. Not anymore. Not when you couldn't even trust the man you loved.
To your surprise, Eren smiled. Or at least it was the remnant of a smile, not fully blooming, almost as if he couldn't.
It didn't feel like Eren.
But nothing made sense to you anymore.
He waved his hand cupped over the ball.
You exhaled.
¥
“I’m sorry we left you here for so long. I never wanted that for you, I never wanted you to suffer for me," Eren said.
You both sat side by side on the bench, reminiscent of the way you'd sat together as children, Armin's books sprawled on your laps.
“I didn’t suffer for you, Eren. It was for humanity - or, it was. “
“And now? - Now that you know what do you think it was all for? Do you think-do you think it was still worth it?”
“Yes...no...I don’t know.” - “Eren, I’ve been confused. So confused. I live with these people. I eat at their tables. I work in their stores. I’m married to one-“
“You mean Reiner?”
You nodded, a flurry of shame coming over you. As if he could see the nights you’d spent in Reiner’s arms as if all the hurt and betrayal and love was a gaping wound for all to see.
And Eren’s eyes narrowed, and he turned away from you. As if he were mad at the wall. As if he were mad at you for still indulging in a traitor.
“It was-“
“Did he hurt you?” He asked jarringly, eyes boring into yours.
Your heart skipped a beat, already beating so harshly that it pounded against the hollow of your throat. You didn’t want Eren to know, you didn’t want anyone to know, that you were no longer a righteous captive. That you’d done things, terrible things, to remember what love was supposed to feel like.
And yet you couldn’t say Reiner had hurt you. He’d been gentle with you, patient in your anger, the entire time you’d spent in Marley. Yes, he was your captor, but he was also your only comfort. The only familiar thing about your unfamiliar surroundings. Your only comrade in the midst of being forgotten by all the rest.
In fact, sitting beside Eren, you felt so much more distant from him now. As if he were a complete stranger.
A part of you so overwhelmed by the unfamiliarity you wanted to go home and throw yourself into Reiner’s arms.
“Y/N, did he hurt you?” Eren said again, even the way he said your name was so different. Devoid of joy, hardened and firm. Reiner never spoke like that, even when he’d yelled at you on the tree to accept your fate, it was never devoid of love for you.
Or maybe you couldn’t remember what real love sounded like anymore.
“He said he’s protecting me,” you admitted, staring down at your lap. You didn’t mean to sound small, but you always did. “He saw me, in his memories, and I was always dying, Eren. He said taking me here was the only way to protect me from...whatever he saw.”
You felt Eren’s eyes on you but you didn’t dare look at him, afraid of his judgement. Afraid of his sympathy.
“He never hurt me, Eren. As horrible as I’ve been to him, he looks out for me. If anything, it’s been me hurting him. Constantly reminding him of -but I just can’t forget,” the tears started to flow and you forced yourself to meet Eren’s eyes, still cold and devoid of life.
You grasped the hands of this unfamiliar man and bowed your head. And suddenly you understood what Reiner must feel. When the righteous becomes the sinner.
“Eren, I know you said he’s a monster but,” you gasped. “I still love him. I love him so much and I hate myself for it. I know I shouldn’t. He’s killed so many of our people, but I love him. “
The air was thick with deafening silence so you kept going, desperate, desperate for someone you could finally confess your sin to.
“I’ve tried to fight it, but I’ve given in. So many times. And I know you think he’s a monster, but I still want to beg you, with every part of my being, please don’t kill him,”
You sobbed into Eren’s hands, clinging to them, waiting for the anger of the fiery boy you once knew. You wanted him to judge you, deem you a sinner, and force you to let go of Reiner. Kidnap you, like the love of your life, had done so long ago and take you home.
Because you had lost your mind and couldn’t find your way back.
Some days you didn’t want to go back. You had seen too much. You had seen the world and you understood too much.
Was this what Reiner felt when he’d stepped foot in Paradis?
Eren regarded you with an empty stare, and only for a flicker of a second, could you have sworn his eyes were pained.
“I’m not here to kill Reiner,” he said. “I’ve come to the same revelation you’ve had here. What I said doesn’t matter, I didn’t know what I know now. What you’ve known before any of us.”
“It must’ve been hard for you to hate a monster when you know that monsters don’t exist. It was easier to pretend, wasn’t it?”
He offered a somber smile, only traces of the boy you remembered echoed in his face.
You sniffled, hung on the glimmer of his kindness, burdened under the weight of a cruel world you could hardly make sense of anymore.
Once upon a time, you thought the outside world would bring clarity, but you were lost now more than ever. And you were desperate, desperate for someone to provide an answer to the question that had weighed on your heart since you saw skyscrapers and cars and armbands and ships and Reiner, always Reiner-“What do we do now?”
He gave a small tsk then, slightly shaking his head. “Nothing’s changed, Y/N,” he said, still smiling that sad smile. “If we want to be free, we have to fight. But first you have to tell me: do you want to be free?”
His expression shifted, and you felt a bile in the back of your throat. The very thought that used to embolden you, just made you afraid now. Freedom? What did freedom even look like anymore?
Was it fighting in a war against the entire world? Or was it a stolen moment by the fire, talking to the boy you liked, blissfully unaware that your silly daydreams of marrying him would come true in the worst way possible? Was it running for the rest of your life as an enemy of humanity, watching your comrades die one by one? Or was it melting into the nooks and crannies of your husband’s arms, safe from the world, finally allowing yourself to accept the refuge those arms once were?
“I do,” you managed. “I do want to be free. “ But your throat was closing up and your voice was thick, because you didn’t know which freedom you wanted anymore.
And you loathed yourself for it.
Damn Reiner for the war you’d inherited from loving him.
As if his eyes had seen things the rest of him couldn’t sense. “Stay home and don’t go to the festival tomorrow. Someone will come for you.”
“They’re all here, aren’t they?” You murmured, your heart swelling with fear and anticipation. Your friends, they were all here.
“They’ve missed you, we’ve all missed you.” He said, but you missed the uncertainty in his instructions, buzzing at the thought of your comrades.
Your heart settled on their faces; Connie, Jean, Mikasa, Armin, and Levi, the man who’d taken you in as if you were his own daughter in that stoic way of his.
You’d missed them all. You’d believed they’d come for you, but with every passing week, you started to believe they didn’t miss you.
“Why?” You whispered. “Why did you guys have to leave me?” You didn’t mean to sound like a child, like the little girl who’d lost her mother, but you never failed to. Marley had peeled away all your layers, leaving you raw and frail.
Eren faltered, dropping his gaze, and for a moment it seemed he might cry. “Because, we thought it was a sacrifice for humanity’s last hope,” he said bitterly, angry even.
You didn’t know why you asked. In the fight in the trees, it had become apparent that they could only save one; you or Eren. The choice was obvious. You’d even begged them to leave you, even as you watched Levi battle with the realization for a fraction of a second, before Eren was torn from the Armored’s grasp.
You were at peace then.
Whatever happened, even if Reiner was lying and ended up killing you anyway, you laid your life down for humanity’s last hope and you wouldn’t have it any other way.
It didn’t hurt until you realized how wrong you all were. The pride and vanity of being a soldier had faded, and you suddenly had nothing to dedicate your heart to.
Except for one man.
“I’m sorry,” Eren said. “That it has to come to this.”
After leaving Eren at the psychiatric hospital, you walked the long trek to your doctor’s appointment, ruminating on all that was said.
The afternoon sun dipped low over the foreign country and you walked comfortably in your strange Marleyan heels past the vividly green park where Eldian children played. A rare luxury in Liberio.
Your Marleyan doctor regarded you with beady eyes, practically sneering at your Honorary Marleyan armband before she told you the flooring news.
The nausea you’d been feeling all week was in fact a pregnancy.
“How thrilled Mr. Braun will be to leave behind a legacy after his term.”
¥
Meanwhile, Eren Jaeger tossed the baseball Zeke had sent him under the same sun.
He knew Reiner’s attempts to save you were all in vain.
Your death was inevitable, and not even Eren could change it. Though he’d tried and tried and tried.
But that was the difference between them. Reiner fought to protect those from fate, and Eren was the immovable force that would always stand in the way.
He reminded himself of those words:’Keep moving forward,’ even as he remembered you and felt sick to his stomach.
Your death was etched in his memories, and there was nothing he could do about it, but keep moving forward.
