I'm Aro, I'm Ace, and I'm a hot mess

Amatonormativity, compulsory sexuality, and allonormativity affects us all. That's okay. The important thing is to be able to stop yourself and say "Hey, is this what I actually think, or is this what society has planted in my brain and that's not actually how I feel?"

I know examining your internal biases is difficult and awkward and uncomfortable but it’s also an all around great thing to do. Not just for others, but for yourself as well.

It’s so rewarding to look at the way you had been viewing things and realize there’s a whole other WORLD on the other side of the door of internal bias. And bias is not bigotry! It’s literally just a lens you view something through, and being able to take that lens off is cool!

Lemme see one-sided romantic relationships!

Lemme see one-sided romantic relationships where they're both okay with that!

Lemme see romantic relationships where one or both (or moreeee) are aro and don't necessarily feel romantic attraction for the other but still feel romantic affection for them!

Lemme see romantic relationships with two people on different parts of the aro spectrum and they can't really get how the other feels attraction but they work out together anyway and that's cool!

Lemme see non-romantic relationships that an outside observer might perceive as romantic but it's not!

But it meant that we had absolutely no help or support when we were trying to work on the relationship in ways that *did* value my autonomy. There's basically no advice for people who want to try to make a relationship where there's a big desire gap work that isn't "well you should just have sex anyway" or "just break up lol". And that sucks!

Just after giving birth, during a family crisis, during a mental health episode, during health problems, during stressful periods at work

There are a lot of times when one person is horned up and raring to go and the other has no interest

And the solution often presented is that the person who is going through something should just put out because they are the problem instead of like...finding ways to engage in non sexual intimacy to reaffirm closeness

An asexual person is going to get 10x the amount of pressure and blame put on them and no advice on how non-sexual intimacy can help their relationships and if they get that at all it will only be to sell it as a bridge to sex they don't want.

I really hate the selling of intimacy as only equaling or facilitating sex. Intimacy comes in many forms and should be explored more by every couple as a non sexual act. And it the given importance it deserves. In fact I would argue if we as a society put more value on non sexual intimacy more relationships would be happier and healthier

people would stop getting shit

for being themselves.

In fact I would argue if we as a society put more value on non sexual intimacy more relationships would be happier and healthier.

So many people put such a heavy pressure on sex to fulfill all or almost all intimacy needs in romantic relationships, because they haven’t learnt or considered other forms of intimacy. Because sex seems simple and straightforward, and socially has been constructed to be a way to measure romantic love. And there’s just so much more ways to connect beyond sex.

I myself was in a relationship with an allo guy for 9 years, and was pressured into doing all sorts of things I didn’t want to do, which left me badly scarred to this day. Seeked professional help, was told I was the problem and needed fixing, which kept me in that abusive relationship for a long time out of guilt. The “fixing”, as it turned out, only traumatized me further and didn’t change me (oh, surprise, conversion therapies don’t work!).

Thankfully I ended up breaking up with the guy.

I’ve now been in a long-term romantic relationship with another allo person for some years, and it’s working. Because there are SO MANY ways to connect and feel fulfilled in a relationship aside from sex. All it takes is being kind, thoughtful and curious.

Never let anyone make you feel that your asexuality is a problem. It isn’t. It’s just another part of who you are. A beautiful, enriching, meaningful one. It should be embraced and honoured by your romantic partners, allo or not.

Sadly not all allo people will understand. But that doesn’t make you the problem. If they can’t see past sex into the infinite potential ways of human connection, the problem is theirs.

Lemme see one-sided romantic relationships!

Lemme see one-sided romantic relationships where they're both okay with that!

Lemme see romantic relationships where one or both (or moreeee) are aro and don't necessarily feel romantic attraction for the other but still feel romantic affection for them!

Lemme see romantic relationships with two people on different parts of the aro spectrum and they can't really get how the other feels attraction but they work out together anyway and that's cool!

Lemme see non-romantic relationships that an outside observer might perceive as romantic but it's not!

Amatonormativity, compulsory sexuality, and allonormativity affects us all. That's okay. The important thing is to be able to stop yourself and say "Hey, is this what I actually think, or is this what society has planted in my brain and that's not actually how I feel?"

I think the main reason we primarily see the labels of sex-repulsed/averse/ambivalent/indifferent/favorable being used in aspec spaces is similar to the reason why we primarily see the SAM (split-attraction model, the idea that romantic and sexual attraction aren't necessarily the same thing and that they can be different) being used in the aspec community: allos simply aren't as likely to consider these things.

Because asexuality (and aromanticism, and every other a-spec) is such a broad spectrum of experiences, I think we tend to gravitate towards more specific labels to find others who's experiences align more closely with ours. It's a way of finding subcommunities within the larger ace community.

One of the only asexual activists is Yasmin Benoit, a Black woman. She has raised so much awareness for the community. She was the first asexual person to lead Pride in London, she started the #thisiswhatasexuallookslike movement and is THE leading voice for the community.

And you all will celebrate international asexuality day on April 6th but we wouldn't even have that if she hadn't cofounded it.

We are accused of "using our partners for sex" because, by some leap of logic, people view sexual attraction is the only morally pure reason to want to have sex with somebody, and having other motivations is some sort of perverted ulterior motive. And obviously (/sar) there's no way to genuinely care about somebody and their pleasure and not just be using them for sex if you're not attracted to them. (And even if it is just a hookup and you genuinely don't care about them that much, aphobes will conveniently forget that sex is usually mutually pleasurable and you're both doing this for yourselves first and foremost, and that's literally fine, that's what you've agreed to.)

If you don't disclose your asexuality or adequately explain you're "basically lying to your partner" and leading them on with the idea that you're attracted to them. But if you do? It's somehow mean. Cause how could you tell your partner that you're not attracted to them? If you won't lie to them and pretend you're attracted to them, they're going to feel ugly. No, for some reason they cannot just understand a very basic concept that "the person who doesn't experience sexual attraction to anyone ever isn't sexually attracted to me and that doesn't say anything at all about how sexually attractive I am" they're going to feel unwanted and ugly and that's your fault!!

Expressing to anyone - partner, parent, friend, you name it - that you actually don't experience sexual attraction is viewed as weird and wrong. I love my mom but it did really hurt me when she said I can't be right about never having those feelings because "you're a human." Like okay but I don't so. Thanks for dehumanizing me mom. I'm sure many of us have experienced the classic "you'll find the right person" or even worse faced conversion therapy. Or maybe you'll just be called a liar. It all sucks.

The mere idea to a lot of alloallo people, of being in a relationship with someone who doesn't find you attractive, is a tragedy, it's terrible, and the partner not attracted to them is wrong for letting a relationship happen. So much of their ideas of what love is revolves around finding your partner beautiful or handsome or cute or hot or whatever. That admitting you don't is like admitting a lack of love even though the other emotional aspects are still there.

Or the idea of "liking someone for their personality" and looks not mattering is seen as childish or a lie.

In fact beyond the outward hatred, there's just a lot of subtler things that prove how much sexual attraction is assumed to be the default. I don't really feel like writing out a whole lot anymore so I'll save it for another time but we're only ever palatable when allos have to choose between us, sex indifferent, and sex averse aces and they decide we're a little easier to pretend that we're not asexual but acceptance only at the cost of ignoring the asexual parts is not true acceptance. Like how being more accepting of bisexual and mspec people than of gays and lesbians because "at least they can still end up with a man/woman" is just straight up biphobia and homophobia, not acceptance.