hi, uh, sorry if this isnt a good place to send this ask, i was scrolling around for a long time and theres not a lot of blogs i could find that seemed acceptable for this...
ive accepted myself as being on the grey-ace spectrum for a while now, it doesnt bother me when i go through periods of complete repulsion. i have a "traditional" partner - meaning its platonic, romantic, and sexual - and they dont mind much when im sex repulsed and understand not to push things or anything (aka theyre a decent person).
well scrolling through a lot of blogs trying to figure out how i feel about things... i think im arospec/grey aro too. it normally doesnt affect me too much. i will go through periods of the same repulsion but for romance, but usually it lasts a month or less. i dont know whats been going on with me but i have not felt pretty much any romantic OR sexual attraction to my partner in months. im honestly scared to even mention it to anyone including aro-ace blogs/people because it just makes it sound like i dont love my partner anymore.
i have always loved them first and foremost like a "queer platonic partner" - i consider them much more than just a best friend, but i dont consider them as a romantic partner primarily, because i feel like so much platonic intimacy and closeness is lost when you become primarily romantic. but the issue is im NOT completely aromantic. i more often then not function "normally" (alloromantic) and go through a lot of periods of being hyper-romantic for them. but this period of romance repulsion has lasted much longer than normal and its really straining our relationship.
i just dont know how to explain it to them that i still love them more than anyone else and in a different way than anyone else, even if sometimes i dont feel any romantic or sexual attraction for them. lately i feel none. but i do love them in other ways that are just hard to describe. theyre understanding about the sex repulsion / grey ace things but i feel like they would get confused and insecure and feel like i just didnt love them or want to be with them anymore if i told them i was arospec too. it makes me so so sad thinking about them being hurt by it and just pulling away all together
the really fucking ironic thing is that for a long time i was so hyper romantic, and they had trouble expressing themselves romantically even tho they felt it fine. well now that theyre finally able to express romantic affection all the time, i become repulsed by affection a month later :/ its impossible to explain to them or others that those things arent related... it sucksssss!!!!!!! it feels like my only options are to force myself to play allorom, or to hurt them badly and make them feel like weve all but broken up. is it terribly naive to still feel like i dont want things to change between us even though the way its going it making me sick?
sorry if this sounds... stupid? rude? idk. ive been worried about sending this ask because i dont want to offend anyone who is completely aro/ace, i struggle to talk to aroace people because im so Grey about it that i feel like im encroaching on aroace spaces :'|
First of all, please don't feel bad at all!!! You absolutely are not encroaching on aroace spaces. If you're greyrose, you're aroacespec, and more than welcome in aroace spaces (and, quite honestly, you'd be welcome here even if you were alloallo! I'm not trying to only discuss things with other aroace folks, I just want any allos who interact with me to be respectful and willing to listen/learn).
I don't like to use terminology like "completely" aroace, specifically because I don't want folks who do experience a little attraction to feel alienated, and I'm so, so sorry if you've been made to feel like aroace circles aren't hospitable to you <2
Now, take everything I'm about to say with a bunch of salt. Not a grain of salt, like, a whole tablespoon of salt. Maybe two. I'm a bold-stripe (experiencing no attraction), nonpartnering aroace who typically fluctuates from rose-repulsion to rose-aversion. I have only been on one date (with a guy who turned out to be a total creep), and so I'm going to be speaking from observation, not experience. I'm also autistic so interpersonal relationships are not my forte at ALL.
Above all, I hear you, and I'm sorry you're struggling with this. I genuinely hope that you're able to get things to work out and both you and your partner be happy. I know I joke around a lot, but I know that partnering relationships are extremely important to people, and it hurts my heart to hear about people struggling with them.
Nothing I'm saying here is meant as "this is what you should do" but rather "it might be helpful to think about these things to figure out what to do."
I think that honesty is incredibly important in any relationship, but especially a committed one (this is not exclusive to rose relationships, this applies to close friendships and QPRs and such as well). From my understanding, one's partner is supposed to be an ally, someone they work with and who works with them. They're supposed to be trusted and trusting, and emotionally open with each other.
However, I get that being completely honest right now might not necessarily be helpful.
One option might be to wait it out until you aren't feeling so romance-repulsed, and then bring up this conversation. I'm hesitant to completely endorse this idea because I don't want you to feel like you're forcing yourself to do something you're uncomfortable with in the meantime, but hearing it in a retrospective manner or a "planning for the future" manner might not be as hurtful to your partner. Knowing it's not a thing they need to be worried about right that minute, just conscious of going forward, could take a lot of the pressure off, if that makes sense?
Another thing that might help you weather the storm a bit could be internally reframing things. Sure, someone buying you flowers is typically a romantic gesture, but who says it has to be limited to that? Why can't it be platonic or queerplatonic or even just unlabelled deep affection? What we define as what is a societal construct, so maybe it would help to distance some of their gestures from being specifically romantic, and instead as general affection.
Finally, you deserve to be loved for who you are. You shouldn't feel like you have to hide a part of yourself for your partner to accept you. I know this is always the advice, but communication is always key in any kind of relationship. If it's too scary to say out loud, write it out, practice, etc. What you wrote here is lovely and it's clear that you truly care about your partner.
If you're worried about coming out as arospec being too drastic, maybe you could try to introduce them to arospec ideas some other way, make sure they understand it before coming out.
I really wish I could offer more help, but in the end, it's your relationship and your decision, I'm just trying to float some ideas/things to think about that might help. And I'm offering my support and care. I genuinely hope everything works out for the best. <2
