I'm Aro, I'm Ace, and I'm a hot mess

This idea that we somehow have more sex negative people in our spaces than anyone else is just wrong and guess what?? It's aphobic! You saw a post made by someone who was being an asshole and tried to hide behind sex repulsion to do it? That person is an asshole, not our entire community!

Quit talking down to the sex repulsed community because of a few shitty posts!

Sex negativity: thinking that sex is inherently bad/shameful/dirty for everyone

Sex repulsion: being personally disgusted by the idea of sex

Sex aversion: being personally disgusted by the idea of sex when it has to do with yourself

Guess what, I'm sometimes sex-repulsed and sometimes sex-averse! But I'm never sex-negative.

Have all the crazy sex you want! Just please do the things to be safe, get tested, use condoms/birth control/whatever and feel free to talk about it with anyone for whom that's not a violation of their boundaries!

All I request is: leave me out of it. Don't imply that sex is something I might ever be interested in, don't talk to me about your sex life, and do your best to tag any mentions of sex ("#sex mention") so I can just filter them out and we can coexist peacefully.

“You can’t compare sex work to other types of work because having sex you’re not enthusiastic about is really traumatizing”

I’m sure for a lot of people that’s true but for me sex and masturbation occupy a similar emotional space to brushing my teeth or doing the dishes and I certainly don’t feel traumatized about it and I know for a fact that I’m not the only person who feels this way.

Also I think that someone physically and violently forcing me to brush my teeth might end up being traumatizing.

Sex is so taboo and mythologized that people have forgotten the mechanics of it.

Yeah sex might be sacred and important to you. To me it’s a chore I’ve gotta do sometimes. Like cooking. I love cooking and put great importance on it and who I do it with. A lot of people just cook to live though.

let queer characters be assholes. let queer characters have bad morals. let queer characters be really sexual. let queer characters be genuinely bad people. let queer characters be written poorly. let queer characters be 2 dimensional. let queer characters be stereotypes. let queer characters be cringe. let queer characters have a sexual/romantic/gender/other aspec/etc identity separate from their personality.

Lemme see one-sided romantic relationships!

Lemme see one-sided romantic relationships where they're both okay with that!

Lemme see romantic relationships where one or both (or moreeee) are aro and don't necessarily feel romantic attraction for the other but still feel romantic affection for them!

Lemme see romantic relationships with two people on different parts of the aro spectrum and they can't really get how the other feels attraction but they work out together anyway and that's cool!

Lemme see non-romantic relationships that an outside observer might perceive as romantic but it's not!

from i think our-grey-experiences (or similar url i dont remember it): polyamorous greyromantic romances too. maybe it looks like 3rd wheeling from the outside but no

relationships that are intermittently platonic or romantic or unlabeled because the people involved have changing favorabilities towards romance and friendship for whatever reason (thinking about systems + everyone else that's got oscillating favorabilities too)

A young woman is imprisoned in a castle by a monstrously formed prince. The servants of the castle hope for them to fall in love, and when the spell is broken they assume their prayers have been answered. They are all surprised, but nonetheless pleased, when it is revealed to them that the young woman and prince are the truest of friends, and nothing more.

They say the kingdom is ruled by an evil queen, a woman who is incapable of loving. She is unmarried, she has no consorts, and she wishes for no partner. She is the wretched queen, the heartless queen. She must hate her daughter, for her daughter is beautiful, and women are incapable of liking another woman who’s prettier than themselves. It must be for this reason that the princess was sent away, not for how she was attacked by a man in the woods. They say the kingdom is ruled by an evil queen because she cannot love. The queen loves her daughter, and that is enough for them both.

There lives a prince who is forced to choose a bride at the ball. He meets many beautiful women, but find none which he loves. He spies one in a gorgeous gown and wonder in her eyes, and he dances with her all night long. The kingdom is sure he has found his bride. When the clock strikes midnight he tells her how he will never love a woman, or a man, in the way he is expected to. The beautiful woman smiles and tells him she expects nothing from him. The next morning the prince and the beautiful woman are missing, having run off together to see the world. They leave their shoes behind in their haste.

exist. It doesn’t all have

to be romantic.

Amatonormativity, compulsory sexuality, and allonormativity affects us all. That's okay. The important thing is to be able to stop yourself and say "Hey, is this what I actually think, or is this what society has planted in my brain and that's not actually how I feel?"

I know examining your internal biases is difficult and awkward and uncomfortable but it’s also an all around great thing to do. Not just for others, but for yourself as well.

It’s so rewarding to look at the way you had been viewing things and realize there’s a whole other WORLD on the other side of the door of internal bias. And bias is not bigotry! It’s literally just a lens you view something through, and being able to take that lens off is cool!

Lemme see one-sided romantic relationships!

Lemme see one-sided romantic relationships where they're both okay with that!

Lemme see romantic relationships where one or both (or moreeee) are aro and don't necessarily feel romantic attraction for the other but still feel romantic affection for them!

Lemme see romantic relationships with two people on different parts of the aro spectrum and they can't really get how the other feels attraction but they work out together anyway and that's cool!

Lemme see non-romantic relationships that an outside observer might perceive as romantic but it's not!

But it meant that we had absolutely no help or support when we were trying to work on the relationship in ways that *did* value my autonomy. There's basically no advice for people who want to try to make a relationship where there's a big desire gap work that isn't "well you should just have sex anyway" or "just break up lol". And that sucks!

Just after giving birth, during a family crisis, during a mental health episode, during health problems, during stressful periods at work

There are a lot of times when one person is horned up and raring to go and the other has no interest

And the solution often presented is that the person who is going through something should just put out because they are the problem instead of like...finding ways to engage in non sexual intimacy to reaffirm closeness

An asexual person is going to get 10x the amount of pressure and blame put on them and no advice on how non-sexual intimacy can help their relationships and if they get that at all it will only be to sell it as a bridge to sex they don't want.

I really hate the selling of intimacy as only equaling or facilitating sex. Intimacy comes in many forms and should be explored more by every couple as a non sexual act. And it the given importance it deserves. In fact I would argue if we as a society put more value on non sexual intimacy more relationships would be happier and healthier

people would stop getting shit

for being themselves.

In fact I would argue if we as a society put more value on non sexual intimacy more relationships would be happier and healthier.

So many people put such a heavy pressure on sex to fulfill all or almost all intimacy needs in romantic relationships, because they haven’t learnt or considered other forms of intimacy. Because sex seems simple and straightforward, and socially has been constructed to be a way to measure romantic love. And there’s just so much more ways to connect beyond sex.

I myself was in a relationship with an allo guy for 9 years, and was pressured into doing all sorts of things I didn’t want to do, which left me badly scarred to this day. Seeked professional help, was told I was the problem and needed fixing, which kept me in that abusive relationship for a long time out of guilt. The “fixing”, as it turned out, only traumatized me further and didn’t change me (oh, surprise, conversion therapies don’t work!).

Thankfully I ended up breaking up with the guy.

I’ve now been in a long-term romantic relationship with another allo person for some years, and it’s working. Because there are SO MANY ways to connect and feel fulfilled in a relationship aside from sex. All it takes is being kind, thoughtful and curious.

Never let anyone make you feel that your asexuality is a problem. It isn’t. It’s just another part of who you are. A beautiful, enriching, meaningful one. It should be embraced and honoured by your romantic partners, allo or not.

Sadly not all allo people will understand. But that doesn’t make you the problem. If they can’t see past sex into the infinite potential ways of human connection, the problem is theirs.