I'm Aro, I'm Ace, and I'm a hot mess

I think the main reason we primarily see the labels of sex-repulsed/averse/ambivalent/indifferent/favorable being used in aspec spaces is similar to the reason why we primarily see the SAM (split-attraction model, the idea that romantic and sexual attraction aren't necessarily the same thing and that they can be different) being used in the aspec community: allos simply aren't as likely to consider these things.

Because asexuality (and aromanticism, and every other a-spec) is such a broad spectrum of experiences, I think we tend to gravitate towards more specific labels to find others who's experiences align more closely with ours. It's a way of finding subcommunities within the larger ace community.

One of the only asexual activists is Yasmin Benoit, a Black woman. She has raised so much awareness for the community. She was the first asexual person to lead Pride in London, she started the #thisiswhatasexuallookslike movement and is THE leading voice for the community.

And you all will celebrate international asexuality day on April 6th but we wouldn't even have that if she hadn't cofounded it.

We are accused of "using our partners for sex" because, by some leap of logic, people view sexual attraction is the only morally pure reason to want to have sex with somebody, and having other motivations is some sort of perverted ulterior motive. And obviously (/sar) there's no way to genuinely care about somebody and their pleasure and not just be using them for sex if you're not attracted to them. (And even if it is just a hookup and you genuinely don't care about them that much, aphobes will conveniently forget that sex is usually mutually pleasurable and you're both doing this for yourselves first and foremost, and that's literally fine, that's what you've agreed to.)

If you don't disclose your asexuality or adequately explain you're "basically lying to your partner" and leading them on with the idea that you're attracted to them. But if you do? It's somehow mean. Cause how could you tell your partner that you're not attracted to them? If you won't lie to them and pretend you're attracted to them, they're going to feel ugly. No, for some reason they cannot just understand a very basic concept that "the person who doesn't experience sexual attraction to anyone ever isn't sexually attracted to me and that doesn't say anything at all about how sexually attractive I am" they're going to feel unwanted and ugly and that's your fault!!

Expressing to anyone - partner, parent, friend, you name it - that you actually don't experience sexual attraction is viewed as weird and wrong. I love my mom but it did really hurt me when she said I can't be right about never having those feelings because "you're a human." Like okay but I don't so. Thanks for dehumanizing me mom. I'm sure many of us have experienced the classic "you'll find the right person" or even worse faced conversion therapy. Or maybe you'll just be called a liar. It all sucks.

The mere idea to a lot of alloallo people, of being in a relationship with someone who doesn't find you attractive, is a tragedy, it's terrible, and the partner not attracted to them is wrong for letting a relationship happen. So much of their ideas of what love is revolves around finding your partner beautiful or handsome or cute or hot or whatever. That admitting you don't is like admitting a lack of love even though the other emotional aspects are still there.

Or the idea of "liking someone for their personality" and looks not mattering is seen as childish or a lie.

In fact beyond the outward hatred, there's just a lot of subtler things that prove how much sexual attraction is assumed to be the default. I don't really feel like writing out a whole lot anymore so I'll save it for another time but we're only ever palatable when allos have to choose between us, sex indifferent, and sex averse aces and they decide we're a little easier to pretend that we're not asexual but acceptance only at the cost of ignoring the asexual parts is not true acceptance. Like how being more accepting of bisexual and mspec people than of gays and lesbians because "at least they can still end up with a man/woman" is just straight up biphobia and homophobia, not acceptance.

This is something I never see people talking about and I've wanted to bring it up for a while.

There is a huge problem with aspec erasure and fandom as whole being so centered on shipping that it quite literally drives us out, but because some apsecs are okay with it, the rest of us are expected to shut our mouths and get over it — because of course, we're just being dramatic and policing everyone's fun!

No, a percentage of the aspec community that doesn't care if you ignore and erase bold stripes, repulsed, and non-partnering (hell, even favorable and gray sometimes!) aspecs doesn't mean that continuing to do so isn't aphobia, and I'm not about to sugar coat this.

Fandom as a whole is incredibly aphobic.

From the amatonormativity to aspecs being called prudes and fun-police for the crime of wanted to be respected the same way any other orientation is, fandom is so aphobic we are quite literally driven out.

Shipping culture is heavily upheld by allonormativity and amatonormativity and I'm sick if pretending it's not. Does that mean it should be abolished? No! Because there's a difference between shipping two (or more) characters because you want to explore how they'd navigate a romantic or sexual dynamic and shipping them because you can't comprehend a relationship that isn't romance; and 90% of shipping I see is the latter!

I've seen fandoms literally create petitions to change an aspecs orientation, I've seen fandoms insist a character that was directly confirmed to be aro actually isn't because it wasn't said on screen, I've seen fandoms say that if a character was confirmed to be aspec it'd be had representation and they'd drop the fandom entire.

Consider if any of these things happened to a gay character! Could imagine the backlash?? If someone took a lesbian and said "let's have a petition to make them straight!" If someone took a gay man and said "listen, I know it's hevaily implied, indirectly confirmed, and outright stated by the person who acts them, but it doesn't count! They didn't say it on screen so I'm gonna ship them with a woman!" If someone said "I will leave this fandom if this character is confirmed to be bi!"???

Suddenly it sounds much worse, doesn't it?

And I'm genuinely glad that some aspecs are umbothered by this because it fucking sucks. And if it doesn't affect them, I'm glad they don't have to deal with the frustration and isolation. There are plenty of aspecs who very clearly only side with shipping culture and fandom to make themselves more appealing to allos, and that's a whole problem in and of itself.

But that does not mean the rest of us are okay with it, and it does not erase the blatant aphobia that is tied into the roots of fandom. It does not make it okay to step over and ignore us when we tell you you're treating us like shit.

And what's this whole rant gonna do? Nothing! Because allos don't listen to us! Fandom doesn't like us! Shipping culture fucking hates us! Because it's all built on amatonormstivity and people really don't like hearing that!

My issue is pretty much never with an individual engaging in a ship or whatever, but rather in the double standard of how aspec identities are treated compared to any other identities, and the general prevailing attitudes.

Amatonormativity, compulsory sexuality, and general allonormativity run rampant, both in fandoms and real life. I'm not telling anyone to stop shipping. I'm not even telling them they have to always write out the intricacies of how a relationship with a aspec character might look different! All I want is for people to consider how amatonormativity/compulsory sexuality/allonormativity impacts how they are choosing to engage with things, consider looking at the nuances of aspec relationships, respect what's canon as canon, and acknowledge when they are writing characters OOC (because writing, say, a character who is strongly implied (or even confirmed!) to be apothisexual as sex-favorable is OOC). It's fine to mess around in fanon! Like, some people might not like it, but honestly I'm happy to just block the stuff I don't want to see.

But that doesn't work if people won't TAG THEIR STUFF PROPERLY!!!

If people would just tag this shit, I would be SO MUCH LESS ANGRY. But when I look in the specifically aro/ace/aroace tags for my favorite characters who are implied/confirmed aro/ace/aroace, ALL I SEE IS SHIPPING!!! Just stop that!!!

And trying to change canon aspec identities to be allo is straight up aphobic. If you see an aspec character and try to argue that they would be better or more interesting or more fun as allo, fuck you.

being on the other side is so heartbreaking bc this person wants something from you that you cant give them, and it feels horrible to tell them that and watch your friendship crumble because they yearn for something you cant even imagine and you feel like its your fault for hurting them.

What is the Aspec Helpdesk?

We all know there aren't enough aroace characters, stories that aren't romance/sex-centric, etc, so let's help each other out discovering new ones!

Do you have any suggestions for stories with characters who are canonically aspec or aspec coded?

Do you have any suggestions for stories that don't have a heavy emphasis on sex/romance?

TV shows:

Phineas and Ferb (some romantic themes and jokes, but not very heavy-handed, Perry the Platypus is canonically ace (though it's not very plot relevant), and there are a lot of aspec character headcanons in the fandom if you run in the right circles)

Milo Murphy's Law (some romantic themes and jokes, but not very heavy-handed, and there are a lot of aspec character headcanons in the fandom if you run in the right circles)

Community (while there is a lot of plot/drama revolving around romantic and sexual relationships, there's also a strong emphasis on the importance and strength of other relationships, like friendship)

Hazbin Hotel (it's pretty heavy on romance and sex, HOWEVER, it also has Alastor, who is canonically (aro)ace, and he's strongly implied to be touch, romance, and sex averse. There are other aspec character headcanons in the fandom if you know the right people ;))

The Good Place (this is one that I'm really torn on including. On the one hand, there are some amatonormative parts, but there are also parts that emphasize non-romantic relationships, appreciation for love and humanity, hobbies, other things, etc. In the end, it's a really good show)

Doctor Who (I've mostly seen New Who, but I can make an argument for pretty much every regeneration starting with 9 being aspec. I just ignore Rose and interpret River/Doctor as a QPR)

Teen Titans (romantic relationships happen but aren't centered)

Justice League (romantic relationships happen but aren't centered)

Justice League Unlimited (romantic relationships happen but aren't centered)

A Series of Unfortunate Events

The Amazing Digital Circus (romantic relationships happen but aren't centered, there's a lot of focus on other types of interpersonal relationships and stuff)

Movies:

The Hunger Games (aspec Katniss aspec Katniss aspec Katniss)

The Martian

Project Hail Mary (there is STRONG emphasis on Grace's love for the world and platonic relationships)

Brave (Merida IS aroace I will not be taking questions at this time, strong emphasis on familial relationships)

Frozen (Elsa IS aroace I will not be taking questions at this time, strong emphasis on familial relationships)

Books:

The Hunger Games - series (Suzanne Collins - aspec Katniss aspec Katniss aspec Katniss)

The Martian (Andy Weir)

Project Hail Mary (Andy Weir - there is STRONG emphasis on Grace's love for the world and platonic relationships)

A Series of Unfortunate Events - series (Lemony Snicket)

Dread Nation - series (Justina Ireland - main character is bi, and another character who ends up being the secondary MC by the second book is aroace)

Music:

Touch the Sky (Julie Fowlis)

The Bolter (Taylor Swift)

Crash and Burn (Thomas Rhett)

I Love Me (Megan Moroney)

Flowers (Miley Cyrus)

champagne problems (Taylor Swift)

You Give Love A Bad Name (Bon Jovi)

Hit Me With Your Best Shot (Pat Benatar)

Bejeweled (Taylor Swift)

Goodbye Earl (The Chicks)