we're the alley cats and they can throw their stones.

They’re literally called instant noodles…  Well, that sounds like a good plan if your travelling buddy likes cooking for two. And I’m not sure they’d be too thrilled. It wasn’t boring, it was just different. I see. Seems like a lot of people stumbled upon their pokemon on accident

If we ever meet, I’m going to show you just how bad my cooking is just so you’ll actually believe me. I’m run into a few people I know who’ve been pretty chill about it and I’m still not that far from home so it’s not that bad at the moment. It’s just a thing that happens I guess. Not everything needs to be caught with brute force.

It’d be a hell of a lot more interesting. Besides, if someone can’t even hold onto the title for a few days, they probably didn’t deserve it in the first place. I’m willing to bet our ratings would skyrocket if we made it happen - we’d be millionaires before long.

True true, I will give you that. And the money does sound great but I’m the sucker who’s also all about the experiences and getting there and all that sappy shit. Plus if I got there and someone did manage to kick my arse, at some point, then that just gives me an excuse to hurry on up and conquer the other leagues too.

In Hermione’s defence … She’s probably more responsible than I’ll ever be, and I’m like … 24. I think. Hey now - just because I used Umbridge as evidence and she was a horrible person doesn’t mean that it’s moot! That’s an .. expecto hominem or something.

Yeah but still...13 year old girl given the power to potentially fuck up everything just to do more schoolwork? I don’t buy it. Totally means it’s moot. At this point I think even you don’t even remember why you decided to use  her as evidence. 

I’m so proud of you, Sofia. Acceptance is totally the first step to everything. What about Cinnabar? Isn’t there some port to get to the islands or something from there? Like a daytime ferry or something? That sucks, I’m sure it wasn’t your fault. Pokemon totally have a mind of their own, and with all that foot traffic through there something was bound to go wrong. Right? Maybe they’re just having identity crises knowing they have to go through the Shelgon phase to get there; that seems like a real rough time for them.

Shush you. And Cinnabar is just...it’s not like it’s close by or anything. The boat takes awhile to get there so day trips are just pointless and it’s expensive, and most parents don’t really want their kids going there alone cause it’s far. It was a long time ago...I don’t really remember what happened but either way I’m not sorry they got out. I vaguely remember they looked miserable. The Shelgon phase is what’s got me worried. It’s like the dragon version of a metapod. 

Probably because they didn’t wanna fuck with the timeline too badly, I’m guessing. Butterfly effect and all that. I don’t know! I read somewhere that Harry Potter is meant to be read and experienced as a fairytale where consistency in world-building and whatnot shouldn’t be expected so … I’m gonna bury my head in the sand and go with that. No, no, me- Yes, I meant weed. That’s because I’m unscrupulous when it comes to making a point.

And yet they entrusted that kind of magic to a 14 year old girl. I know she was hella smart, but even I can see that was a shitty idea. I kinda miss the days when I was too young to see the holes in the magic. Just checkin’. A point you basically destroyed by using Umbridge as evidence. 

I was trying to soften the blow a little, but yeah, basically. At least once you hit your teen years hopefully your parents trust you a little to go out on your own, so you’re not completely bored out of your mind. Woah, slow down a second – suspects you for everything that goes wrong in his lab? That sounds like there’s a story worth hearing behind it. Yeah, it’s pretty crazy. You wouldn’t think Bagon would be delusional enough to think he could fly, but apparently flight envy is a thing. Either that or the other dragon trainers were having fun messing with me while I was training.

It’s okay, Thomas. I might not look it, but I’m a big girl that can accept things like not being able to go back in time and move towns. Still not much fun living in Pallet Town when the only place you can go is Viridian City which you already have to commute to for school so it’s no place special. It’s a long story and I don’t know how bothered I am to fill you in on all the details, but some Pokemon got loose and escaped his lab during a class field trip happening in said lab, that I happened to be on. And he blames me for the whole thing. That’s oddly sad and cute. Poor Bagon. At least they end up eventually being able to fly.

The whole time-travelling thing was a bit too much for young me to grapple with. I only really understood it when I smoked for the first time and it just .. boom, became clear to me. Also: logarithms and polynomials. Still. I got so mad that anyone could be on Umbridge’s side. Just … URGH! 

I got it, I just didn’t get it get it. Like if they could time travel, why were they only using it so that Hermione could pick up a few extra classes. What the fuck, magical community? No wonder Voldemort nearly ended you all. Smoked? Like weed? Says the girl who managed to quote her to make a point.

Hm. Well, you could always just boil the water on a timer, then stick the hot water into a bowl with the noodles? There’s really no way you can screw that up unless you let the water boil dry and that’s only bad for your pot. It wouldn’t screw up anything food wise. Nope. I never watched much tv as a kid. Oh! I see. That’s certainly an interesting meeting.

This all just sounds like waaaay too much work. I’mma just find me a travelling buddy that cooks. And then when I become champion I’ll like...hire a chef or something. Now that would be the life. Really? That musta been boring for you. A little yeah. I didn’t notice until I was already out of the cave and looking to eat my lunch and there he was in my bag and my lunch was nowhere to be found cause the goof ate it.

You track down Harry Potter and demand he gives you a Timeturner… or more realistic, you pray Dialga or Celebi’s drawn to you and then you beg them to take you back and let you live in Blackthorn instead. Nah, I haven’t been, I’m just trying to give it the benefit of the doubt. What’s wrong with Professor Oak? He seems like a great dude, even if I’ve got to be biased towards Professor Elm to rep my Johto pride. That’s good, I’ve heard lots of ‘em get jealous when they spend too much time around flying Pokemon since the closest they can get is jumping off of cliffs and free-falling.

So basically what you’re saying is that I’m screwed. Guess I’ll just have to make do with my boring ol’ origin story. It’s an okay place to grow up, until you’re a teenager and then it’s freakin’ dull as fuck. He’s okay. Knows his shit but you make one comment and the dude suspects you for everything that goes wrong in his lab. I bet it’s just early onset alzheimers though. Oh? I’ll remember that and keep him separate from any flying types I catch in the future. 

I say it counts so it does. Same, it was just so … lame. And that snitch should’ve gotten worse than just some acne. The Battle was awesome though, that you must admit. First time we see a full-fledged balls to the wall duel between two crazy strong wizards.

I nearly fell asleep the first time reading through Prisoner of Azkaban but reading it a second time made me love it, and the rest leading up to OotP were awesome but then you just hit blahness. And I guess? But I mean she was scarred for the rest of her life by it so I guess that’s pretty bad already, yeah? Eh the movie was okay. Not at all how I imagined any of it but at least I can sit through it. 

I did say except! You’re wrong. I’d say it’d be more like … somewhere around the realms of 80-90%. Shit, even the Battle at the Department of Mysteries! But damn, when Dumbledore shows up and is all “you gone fucked up now” and the Death Eaters split but he’s like “NOPE!” and pulls them back. Highlight of the series, easily. I’ve always hated how the movies made Dumbledore look like he was losing against Voldemort.

Doesn’t count in this instance. And probably but then again I hate the fifth book. Between Umbridge being in it too much and the whole thing with Sirius at the end. Nope nope nope. I skim through it whenever I reread the series. 

HELLBOY IS SUPPOSED TO OVERCOME HIS NATURE AND LEARN LOVE AND HUMANITY. NOT BE THE LIVING INCARNATION OF THE SONG GIVES YOU HELL. JUST WAIT UNTIL YOU NAME A BULBASAUR POISON IVY OR SOMETHING! You probably did, I’ve never been very good at following instructions. In social situations at least. Well, can it really be called cockblocking when you’re usually doing it to yourself?

Now I’m just thinking of this one story my mom always tells me about a Skorupi and a Squirtle...or was it a Skorupi and a Politoed...eh doesn’t matter. But it’s like the Skorupi gets the Squirtle to take it across the lake and the Squirtle’s all like “naaaah you’ll sting me”, and the Skorupi is all “I promise I won’t, cause if I sting you we both die”. So the Squirtle takes him across and then the Skorupi stings him and the Squirtle’s all like “Whyyyyy” and the Skorupi’s just all “I’m sorry! It’s just in my nature.” And then they both died. Wait...where was I going with this? Oh yeah! Stop thinking you can change your Hellbug. It’s in its nature to be hellish. And Bulbasaur’s are friendly so it won’t matter if I called one Poison Ivy or Pamela Isley or something to that effect. I’d definitely say you can cockblock yourself. Or at least you can. 

What about like, instant noodles? It’s a step lower than spaghetti. What’s the Snuffleupagus..? It’s not something scary, is it? I wouldn’t call it weird– maybe it’s fate!

Nope, I’ve definitely managed to make those inedible too. Ended up forming a weird paste that could give super glue a run for it’s money when it comes to stickin’ stuff together. You don’t know Mr. Snuffleupagus? He was on Sesame Street. He crawled into my bag and ate my lunch. The Bagon I mean. Not Mr. Snuffleupagus. 

Saphira’s a Dratini and Spyro’s a Gible; Saph was the first Pokemon I ever got, so she and I have a lot more history. You assumed right this time, although I’ve totally got my eye on a couple of things like Swablu that don’t turn dragon until later on, so better safe than sorry. Dudette, what’s wrong with Pallet Town? You’ve got the Pokemon Professor like practically in your backyard. There’s a ton to learn there, even if it’s probably not as hands on as most trainers like. A Bagon? Nice! I’ve always wanted one of those. You haven’t been letting him hang out with too many flying types, have you? 

A Dratini and a Gible. Daaaamn, how do I turn back time and become a dragon trainer too. Eh I figure if the end goal is a dragon then it still counts. Uhm have you been to Pallet Town? I know literally every single person who lives there. It doesn’t even have a school so I had to commute to Viridian City all the time. My best friend is the only person there even remotely close to my age and even then she’s three years older than me. And Oaky? Not as cool as you’d think. Considering how my only other Pokemon is a Growlithe, that has not been a problem. 

I see… Maybe you just need to start out with something easier? Oh gosh, that’s certainly unique. At least they didn’t call it Mr. Snuffles? Mhm, thanks! I love him to bits, honestly. A Bagon? Oh wow, that’s amazing. They’re really rare aren’t they?

I’ve burnt spaghetti before. Like before I even thought about making the sauce. Just the spaghetti on it’s own, in a pot of water. I’m a lost cause. I dunno, Mr. Snuffles just reminds me of the Snuffleupagus which is definitely cooler than Floofle. And yeah...rare. I didn’t even think I could find one of these things in this part of Kanto but I did. Weird, huh?

Yeah, they help Saphira, but she’s been up to the level I was reaching for for a while; Spyro’s definitely the one that needs more training now, and the hula hoops really don’t work as well for him. Sure am, I trained with Clair in Blackthorn City and everything. Oh yeah? Tell me what type he is and I’ll see if I can come up with any advice for you. They’re all different, but some breeds definitely have similar tendencies a lot of the time.

What kind of Pokemon are Saphira and Spyro? I mean I figure they’re dragon types, but mom told me I need to stop making assumptions because something about an ass. Dude. Shut the front door. That’s seriously awesome. And makes me jealous of you in more ways than I can count. Like bruh, I grew up in Pallet Town, with a bunch of old folks and only one other person my age. And I ended up finding this Bagon. Or well he found me. 

Why would I remember a quote from Umbridge? Except for, ahem, lemme get my old hag voice on, ‘Wands away. There will be no need to talk.’ Well, what can I say? I’m intellectually honest enough to quote someone whom I hate as long as she’s right. And by right, I mean she validates my Pokemon’s uselessness.

If you’re gonna quote Harry Potter, at least do it right. Besides you’re the one who just proved you do remember one. And I’m pretty sure half that book was about why she was wrong.