TW: mentions of family members with cancer, unhealthy friendships, social anxiety, bodily anxiety
For my whole life until about 2 ish years ago, i was in a friend group that I shared very little in common with, i was their friend because id known some of them since first school and they were my only friends really. these guys were typical UK northern lads when it came to attitude and demeanour, still lovely people some of them, but i learnt very quickly that talking about legend of Zelda to them was a one way ticket to getting an awkward look and being ignored, so i gathered i should jus shut up and go along with them. this went around in a cycle for years throughout schools where i would be friends with people and occasionally "cling" to a particular person, usually spending most of my time with them for a few months until they too decided i was annoying when i got too comfortable and hyper.
skip forward to present day, i am no longer a regular member of that group and am now a part of one the most supportive and loving groups of people ever, yet i cant unlearn what i was dealt in the past because i never learned anything other than shutting up and just going along with the others. This now leads me to being functionally unable to properly talk about my interests to these friends who are more than happy to listen most of the time, and yet i have no idea where to start. Ofcourse i have the thoughts about my interests swirling around my head and yet i cannot express them, and if i ever do manage someway i always feel that nagging in my head that im annoying them.
This has affected me in other aspects of life as well. If you take a look through my account you'll notice some posts about wanting to make online friends, because i feel like i want to be a part of a community of people that share at least one of my interests, that way i feel i might be able to talk about them myself, however you'll also notice my reluctance to make said friends, again stemming from this embedded idea that I am annoying and unworthy to talk about my interests. A slight adjacent effect to this too is im really bad at just making general conversation, i often really rely on the other person to do the work and i just ricochet back what i can.
I really wish i could find a way to get over this, because i feel it also affects my ability to be a good friend/partner, as i rarely ever message people out of the blue and if i do its usually about something and not just to talk. I know some people just aren't talkers and thats fine but i feel as though i just "ignore" my friends in a way and have to almost force myself to interact with them, not out of not wanting to but because i genuinely dont know where to start and ive never had that experience.
I think these last 2 points could also stem from the fact that my mother had breast cancer very early on in my life, and if we are to believe Bowlby's maternal deprivation hypothesis and all the other attachment theories, i may not have formed the proper bond early on enough to create my own social blueprint. However there are obviously a lot of flaws and evidence against that theory, however i thought i should mention it either way.
coming back to my original subject for a short bit, I often try to cope by just spamming the 'diary' i have on my friend groups discord with just random nonsense without and sort of elaboration to get a conversation out of it, and yet my friends seem to do it so easily. I would post maybe 5 things a day maybe on my diary and maybe get a response or reaction if I was lucky, yet my friends can put something on theres and immediately get a response, rarely from me, because again I don't know really how to navigate this type of thing. this is no shade to them btw just something id noticed.
this should be my final point probably. Another effect of this first friend group is that I am really adversed to my own self expression. As in i really struggle to talk about things i like in public or even show that i like them. Another thing is I often struggle to post on social media and especially here because i dont think other people will care so I think "oh well if no one cares i should just keep it in my head because at least i care". I also really struggle to show myself as friendly to other people who i think look cool, and often just try to seem like I'm ignoring them whilst maybe trying to glimpse their shirt or something. It also affects how i dress and how i view my body. For context I'm genderfluid, all at once, none at all kinda thing, and my wonderful partner has bought me a couple pieces of clothing that are more feminine, and i really really like how they look but i feel really anxious when i put it one or imagine myself in them because i worry about others judgement when it really shouldn't matter.
dont know where this came from tbh just came to mind as i was doom scrolling eveything
