luca

god my heart is breaking earlier the police stopped by my place of work and asked about a 14 yo severely suicidal girl who's phone got tracked to our location, she's obviously not here we don't work with girls, the phone showed up but she didn't and now it's past 2am and three big men rang the door bell, one of them is the father and they're out looking for her, probably have been for hours, i really hope she's fine and they find her, the dad looked so fucking broken man.

cried and talked about my emotions in front of a friend for the first time in years, super fucking embarrassing, wasn't even drunk or anything and she was all like "Im already worried I won't be more worried if you talk about it" but she's obviously more worried now fml never be emotionally vulnerable it's a trap

god im never going to be free of this stupid fucking ed that, just to be clear, i gave to myself on purpose as a dumb teenager because hey what could go wrong, it's just the fastest way to lose weight not like im going to stuck with it for the rest of my life. i want to punch past me in the face. never told any therapist during any of my voluntary or involuntary ed treatments about that little tidbit because im ashamed and embarrassed of my own stupidity. I was actually doing quite well during my recovery, before the binging started again, I didn't even want to relapse because I was so over letting something as meaningless as my weight dictate my life. But of course I just had to gain a little weight, wait a few months and here we are again, I miss the feeling of starving myself, I miss the control, I miss the purpose. This is going to go just like all the times before and in two months I'm going to be even more miserable than before and eventually I'm going to start binging uncontrollably again and then the cycle will repeat. Oh joy. Kid me can go suck an egg.

yes yes I disappeared again but I'm so annoyed and I need to speak my peace. Karneval is the worst fucking time to be anywhere near this dumbass city and it can't be over fast enough. People forget how to act in public, you're on public transport no one wants to hear you bast your shitty Karneval Musik for hours while you and your boys loudly sing along. If you feel the need to get drunk at 10am at least do it quietly. Celebrate your 5 day bender at the appropriate places in the city with the rest of Germany that migrates to Köln over Karneval but leave me alone for the love of god. I'm going to kill someone before I get off this train.