Jess the Messica

There are gay people who feel like „I want the same thing many straight people want: I want the wedding, the marriage, the parenthood… just not the heterosexuality“ and there are gay people who feel like „The entire concept of marriage is too straight for me, I can not even fathom wanting that“ - and as with any binary, this is way too limited to fit everyone. 

You might fully agree with either side but you may also fall somewhere in-between. Many gay people (in places where gay marriage is a legal possibility) have complex feelings about marriage - and it can be surprisingly difficult to find neutral resources to guide you in your own decision. Not only because content on weddings or marriage is still heavily geared towards straight couples, but also because the pros and cons on either side of the above mentioned binary tend to be highly personal and based on emotions and beliefs. 

With that in mind, I want to provide a „colder“ look at some pros and cons of marriage - not to convince you of anything, and also not to change your position on it if you already have a clear one, but just to provide a neutral resource for people to form their own conclusions on whether marriage fits them or not. (As it is a very nuanced topic, I will not claim that this list is „complete“ in any way. You could have priorities or worries I will not properly reflect here. Also note that these points can vary by country). 

Married partners often automatically have more rights in medical emergencies (such as visitation rights in hospital, receiving updates on your partners condition or making medical decisions when your partner is in a coma etc) without needing to make prior arrangements for such situations 

If you become unemployed or unable to work, marriage can make it harder to access financial aid or disability benefits (as your partner may be expected to financially support you). 

Marriage can be a protective factor in the case of untimely death (inheritance of property or money, access to financial aid for widows etc) 

If a relationship unexpectedly turns unhappy or even abusive, marriage can make it harder to leave. Legal and financial „entanglements“ can complicate a breakup. 

In some places, marriage is a requirement to be able to legally adopt or access fertility treatments such as IVF

Depending on the country, marriage can come with tax advantages or disadvantages 

Marriage can simplify legal parenthood or custody of children (allow the non-birthing partner to have legal rights to the baby too etc) 

Weddings can get very expensive, especially if you dream of a big or elegant wedding (or feel external pressure to have one)

Being able to say „my spouse“, „my husband“ or „my wife“ can feel meaningful and validating for some people. 

In some social circles, marriage can come with external pressures and expectations (marriage = monogamy, marriage = parenthood, marriage = living together) that can cause stress if it doesn’t reflect the path you choose 

Traditional wedding „rules“ can often be simply broken (white dress, father gives the bride away, inviting family etc) as they’re just traditions, not laws.

If your partner lives in a different country, marriage may make it much easier (or even be a requirement) to move there. 

Marriage can affect insurance, sometimes positively, sometimes negatively. 

Even in an amicable breakup, when you both stay friends, divorce still comes with paperwork and potentially fees which can be stressful and cause tension

In some cases, marriage can make it easier to rent or buy property together

A married spouse will usually be expected to be the one to make funeral arrangements in the case of their partners death 

Marriage can mean you’re automatically seen as a „we“ rather than a „me“ in social settings, this can be freeing or restrictive depending on your personal feelings. 

With all my love, 

I love how color can tell a story. In this case, it reflects the way I tend to see colors within colors, layers unfolding into more layers, endlessly connected, just like life and the universe itself. Everything contains something else, and every small detail is part of a much larger story.

People SAY that your health 'suddenly' starts to decline in your 30s but that's not really a good way to put it A) bc that's not really accurate and B) bc it frames this decline as something inherent and unavoidable, which does nothing to convince you that you have some agency about this.

So I'm going to explain this in LOOSE NON-SCIENTIFIC language:

When you are an infant or child, you are actively growing. Nature is throwing tons of new cells into you bc your body needs to BUILD BUILD BUILD. What you're able to do, eat and heal from is all largely dictated by this-- for example little kids often LOVE sweet foods or dairy-like foods and are relatively less interested in anything else. This is bc their body is running on HIGH all the time since building body parts is very energetically intensive. They can eat a fistful of sugarcubes and burn them off in an hour. Ask me how I know.

When you are a YOUNG ADULT you are actually still developing to a secondary extent, but your bones and such are fused and now that development goes into solidifying the structure and also finetuning its reproductive capabilities and features-- these, too, are HIGHLY energy consumptive when they first come online. Nature is STILL, thus, throwing tons of energy and new cells your way hoping you'll do something cool with them. You regenerate very quickly, and recover from harm rapidly-- But please note: swift recovery from harm is not absence of harm. This most relates to the consumption of 'junk food' and alcohol-- many people say they could 'eat whatever they wanted and nothing would happen' when they're in their 20s or that they could go out drinking and 'not be affected'. You were affected. You didn't notice.

Once everything has come online you go into maintenance mode. Nature stops throwing excess cells and energy your way bc you don't need that-- your body is yours and you are now responsible for maintaining it...hopefully with what you learned by experience in your 20s. IF YOU WERE NOT PAYING ATTENTION, you did not learn this, and are in for a surprise in your 30s bc your 'free recovery' subscription has ended. Recovery and maintenance- processes that are constant in the human body- now cost MINERALS & ELECTRICITY. You can go into DEBT now, and that debt will come in the form of joints that pop, inability to recover well, lowered immune function, and feeling like shit.

This debt accrues interest RAPIDLY once you hit 36-- the age of around 36 to 46 or so is a kind of reckoning stage where Nature assesses how well you've managed your body and you will be SWIFTLY downgraded if the result is you were just winging it.

So how do you build this account? 2 main things ( LOOSELY SPEAKING this is so not 100% scientific but I have to be general here): MINERALS -- you get these from eating well, mostly. You might want to take supplements based on your unique needs. But you need Minerals & Vitamins (i'm lumping these two together) bc they are the chemical building blocks (currency) your body uses to rebuild and fix up cells. ELECTRICITY is- again loosely speaking- having the proper chemical voltage throughout your body. This 'voltage' drops when you don't move enough, or when you're dehydrated. The building and repairing process your body wants to do may have the materials (minerals and vitamins) but there's not enough power in the factory, or the AC isn't working and the workers are overheating and can't work well. To fix this, drink lots of water and MOVE AND STRETCH your body. The action within your muscles and bones GENERATES ENERGY and it keeps your cells happy.

So the thing is, it's not that you suddenly find yourself taking damage after 30+. You were taking damage the whole time. You're just kept from really feeling it bc you're young and full of extra juice and given time to figure things out.

But at some point Nature expects you to do that, and you will pay if you don't.

Best to start out giving a shit, even if none of your friends think you're cool, even if you get called a 'health nut' bc you will still be able to frolick at 45, 50, probably so on while everyone who said it was dumb to have 'balanced meals' shares memes about how they wake up feeling like shit every day.

Daniel Molloy || Lush Life

It's your boy, Daniel Molloy.

I want to talk about a very specific trans boy experience today: female friends or family members trying to pull you into „all men suck“ conversations. 

These might not be outright biological essentialism conversations (some pseudoscientific nonsense like „Men are biologically hardwired to be abusive and violent“). Most often, it’s just private rants: their boyfriend did something shitty or a male customer at work acted creepy or their ex cheated and they are actually just mad at that guy specifically but express it in a „why are all men always shitty“ way.

It’s a special type of uncomfortable. They are indirectly, subtly misgendering you by excluding you from „all men“ as a group (even if they do not directly say „I see you as a girl and therefore expect you to agree with me that men, which to me you are not a part of, are assholes“ out loud and they may in fact not even consciously think that, they do put you in a separate category than men just by silently assuming that they can say „all men are shit“ to you without insulting you.) 

But it’s a type of misgendering that can’t just simply be fixed by changing the words used. It’s not a „You are my sister“ „Please call me your brother“ situation that can be corrected just like that. You likely would not feel much better if they went „all men, including you, are shit“ instead. 

It’s not a linguistic problem, it’s a worldview problem, and those are much harder to correct. The actual issue is, of course, the assumption that a group of individuals can be by default bad due to something that’s out of their control - and that applies to „men“ as a group as much as it would apply to „women“ or „people of color“ or „elderly people“ or „gay people“. Saying „all of them suck“ just… sucks. 

Individuals can be shitty for lots of things that are within their control: their behavior, the way they treat others, their opinions etc. And some groups hold a special power position in society that makes it easier for them to be shitty and not face serious consequences. That does apply to „men“ as a group, and maybe for that reason we can not fully equate saying „all men suck“ with saying „all women suck“ - the latter is born in a misogynistic society, the former may just be a simplistic way to express „the patriarchy allows or even rewards male individuals for shitty behavior“. Which may just be why this stereotype of „women bond by getting together and complaining about how all men suck“ exists in the first place! 

But that’d be a whole lot to say when all your sister wants to do is just to go „Ugh all men are the same, I just found out my boyfriend cheated on me again, I hate men!“ and get a sympathetic „Men are the worst!“ back. You may not want to go „well actually, gender does not make anyone a cheater, your boyfriend is just an asshole, but then again growing up in a patriarchal society may play a role in why you forgave him the first time, so I understand your frustration, it’s a nuanced topic“ right there - or at least I do not when I find myself in that position. 

So, I just want to give you a hug and tell you that I get it. You’re allowed to feel uncomfortable with it. 

With all my love, 

Jun’ichiro Sekino, 1914-1988 "Lovesick Cat"

If your parents didn’t let you have toy cars or dolls as a kid, you can just buy them for yourself as an adult. 

I’d say here that „this post was requested“ but I’d be lying - what was requested was a letter on grieving the childhood experiences you didn’t get to have because you’re trans, and I guess that the piece of advice above may seem overly simplistic or even dismissive to you: of course you can’t just „catch up“ on childhood as an adult.

You already had the childhood you had, it already shaped you. Plus, your feelings and your ways of thinking are more developed now than they were at 3 or 5 or 10 years old. Which is obviously a good thing in general but also means you will interact with that toy car or that doll differently now. So I really can’t tell you to just replace your actual childhood with some play-pretend childhood done in adulthood. That’d be silly for me to recommend and for you to expect from yourself. 

And yet - my main advice would be to get that toy car or that doll now. 

Sure, we could talk about how gendered toys aren’t necessary to be a real man or a real woman. We could talk about how there are cis boys who never played with cars and cis girls who never played with dolls either. We could talk about how your family and the choices they made when you were young do not define you. We could counter that feeling of grief with logical arguments. 

But grief isn’t easily soothed by logic. Grief deserves softness. Grief deserves „I see you and I give you space to exist“. Grief deserves care. 

This isn’t even a trans-specific problem: there are many people who, for various reasons, grieve the child they didn’t get to be. Kids who grew up in chaotic circumstances. Kids who grew up in emotionally distant families. Kids who were severely ill for long periods. So many examples I can’t even list them all. Grieving the childhood you missed out on feels so specific but it’s unfortunately quite common. You’re in good company. All these people understand, from their own unique angle, the grief you experience and that you can’t just easily talk yourself out of it. 

But what they, and you, can do is to treat the wound gently. So, buy that toy - not to replace or make up for your actual childhood, but out of respect and love for yourself. Buy it to tell yourself „Hey, I’m sorry you didn’t get this back then, you deserved it then and you still deserve it now“. 

Most Pride events happen in the summer - and if you spend any time in online spaces that talk about Pride, you already know the reminders that will follow now: Stay hydrated! Use sunscreen! 

Both of those are important, obviously. But as temperatures get more and more extreme, what does that mean for sun and heat safety at events? Let’s talk about it. 

Well, before we get into the more practical everyday stuff, it needs to be acknowledged that the big driver here is man-made climate change and we need political action for that. This should be a priority for your voting decisions - not just so you can have fun at a Pride party without getting heatstroke but also because climate change   disproportionately affects queer people worldwide. The sun isn’t homophobic but society is: queer people are, in many places, more likely to live in poverty or be homeless, and extreme weather conditions hit those communities the hardest. Climate change is a public health crisis when you can not afford to „just stay inside with the AC on“. 

So, exercise your right to vote and vote climate-aware. You may save lives. 

With that being said: We absolutely need to fight for long-term solutions - but Pride is already happening in extreme heat now. We also need to adapt to the conditions we already exist in. It feels strange to transition from the big picture to just the small practical stuff… but this can also save lives: 

If possible, avoid going alone. Attending with a friend (or partner, family member etc.) means you can look out for each other! Heat illness can sneak up on you, a friend may notice quicker that something is off than you do yourself. If you can not physically attend with another person, at least ask them to check up on you regularly (text, call etc.) 

Look up if there’s any event-level safety stuff available: bigger Pride events may offer water stations, shaded rest stations, misting stations, medical tents… Look up where they are and don’t feel afraid to use them! (And if you’re involved in planning an event, suggest these things!) 

Basic but important: Look up temperature, UV index and humidity BEFORE you arrive and dress accordingly. It’s fun to dress up for Pride but remember: Safety always comes before style. Choose breathable, loose clothes and don’t forget to protect your head and eyes (sunhat or cap, sunglasses!). Consider taking a lightweight umbrella (shade!) and handheld fan with you. It’s also a great idea to take a (lightweight) towel with you as you can wet it and use it to cool down your skin. 

Take a refillable water bottle with you and drink regularly! It’s best to take sips regularly while outside rather than to „load up“ on lots of water at home and then not drink anything while out. 

Avoid alcohol. It’ll make you dehydrate faster, and it can also make it harder to recognize signs of heat illness. 

Heat can make you less hungry but please don’t leave home on an empty stomach. Low blood sugar and heat are a bad combo. Bring a snack as well (something that won’t spoil or melt easily). Don’t solely rely on buying food there: lines may be unexpectedly long as many people need to take breaks in the heat! 

Don’t forget that sunscreen needs to be reapplied: every two hours or sooner if you got wet (including heavy sweating!). 

Also don’t forget that lips can get sunburned too. Get a lipbalm with SPF! 

Learn to recognize the early signs of heat related illness: dizziness, nausea, headaches, leg cramps, excessive sweating or a change in skin color (turning red or pale - keep in mind that this can be harder to recognize in people of color) should be taken seriously. Move the person to a cooler place (indoors or shade) and encourage them to remove any unnecessary clothing, drink water (sports drink or electrolyte drinks are great if available) and cool the skin (cold washcloth on the neck, running cold water over your wrists etc.). If they don’t feel better within 30 minutes, call emergency services. 

If they are vomiting, show neurological symptoms (confusion, slurred speech etc.) or have very hot skin (especially without any sweating), please call emergency services immediately. (If the person is you, do not try to drive yourself to the hospital. Losing consciousness while driving could kill you and others.) 

Last but not least: There are so many good reasons to attend Pride, from „sending important political signals in a time where the far-right is soaring high“ to „finding community and building connection“ to just „getting to have fun and relaxing among people who get you“ and that’s why canceling your plans to attend Pride can be much more painful than just saying no to a party… but there are circumstances where attending during a heatwave might just be too risky. For example if

you have preexisting health conditions that make you vulnerable to heat 

you are on medications that make you more vulnerable to heat (if you are unsure, ask your doctor or pharmacist) 

you have a disability that affects how you perceive or regulate body temperature 

you are pregnant 

you would attend with a baby or young child 

you would attend with (or are) an elderly adult 

you are currently sick, even if it’s just a mild cold or stomach bug 

There may be safer alternatives for you, such as watching a livestream of the event or attending a different event that happens later in the year. 

With all my love, 

Two lunar maps, including a diagram of a lunar eclipse (top) from Balthazard-François de Merles's Papers from the 4th quarter of 17th century.