Nevermore

permanent

From the best of my recollection I was about 6/7 years old when I was abused. I first met my abuser at church... He was actually our new pastor. And I always had a bad feeling around him. He just seemed too excited around me and it freaked me out even as a kid. I tried to stay away from him as much as possible. Everyone else including my family loved him. Meanwhile, he noticed how I was an anxious kid who didn't really get along with my parents. And he latched on. It started with him "accidently" walking in on me in the bathroom. It's a small church and on Sunday afternoons we would have potlucks. This meant everyone was outside or downstairs. There were 2 bathrooms and the one upstairs was the one I usually ended up using. The lock was easily opened from the out side. He would unlock the door and pretend I had forgotten to lock it and he just "accidentally" happened upon me. He would stay for too long to be normal, and then he left. Eventually he would come up with some excuse to get closer and make sure I "wiped correctly". Then he would say he had to pee and make me touch him. He told me that I did a bad thing and if anyone found out I'd go to jail. He also said they would take his son away (was a 1 year old baby at the time) . I was already terrified of my parents so I didn't say anything. The few times I tried, they cut me off and didn't take me seriously. He then started touching me and forcing me to take him in my mouth. I hated it. The only reason it stopped is that he got in trouble for kissing one of his middle school students (he also taught at the local school). So he moved away. I didn't tell anyone until a few years ago and I wished I'd told sooner. I don't know where he is now and I feel responsible for any kids he's abused since. I was being emotionally and somewhat physically abused by my mom and I was so freaking terrified. I locked away all of this and refused to think about it. When I got to college I started having more and more nightmares and realized I couldn't just pretend it didn't happen anymore. Idk why I wrote all this. Just needed to let it out. Hope it helps someone somehow.

Away

I can't feel.

(And for those who don't have access to mental health services, I am hoping and praying you are able to get access)

(Click on the image for it to appear clearly--Tumblr is stupid I know)

1 year since life broke me ...and I climbed out of the rubble stronger