the outsiders gift exchange events!

the sketch

this was made before i promptly passed out hard

and then, a little extra bit!!!

He let out a breath, watching his teammates all chat, some with nervousness etched acrossed their faces or hidden in their eyes behind a wall of false confidence, or those who were actually confident after the earlier stretch of the meet. Pony bowed his head and took in a deep breath.

He could do this. He knew that he could do this, but it felt like there was loads more pressure on him this time. If he failed, if he lost, then he wouldn't only be letting down his track mates, but also the school, and more importantly to Ponyboy, his brother.

Sodapop would be proud of him no matter what, that was just something that Ponyboy knew. He was proud of his brother no matter what place he came in, seeing as he gave it his best shot. Always willing to celebrate anything that Ponyboy threw his all into, simply because he threw his all into it.

But with Darry? Ponyboy almost never knew what made him proud anymore. Sure, they were getting along better again after… after everything that had happened with the Socs and Windrixville and the church burning down… Glory and the court proceedings and the fear of being separated…

Everything had come to a stand still after Sodapop's outburst, it still bothered Ponyboy that he had never thought about his middle brother and how he was doing after everything… Sodapop always tried to reassure him that it didn't bother him as much as the outburst had suggested. Eight months had built up and let out all at once.

Ponyboy still made an effort every now and then to check on him a little more.

But that still didn't help him with any of his thoughts on his eldest brother…

"Pony?" Ponyboy looked up and over at Johnny, who was doing so much better since last year. His wheelchair fit nearly perfectly beside Ponyboy where he was sitting on the bleachers, he could almost pretend that Johnny was just simply sitting next to him, like all his other track meets that they'd gone to together, or during practice breaks that Johnny would wait for him at.

"Yeah?" Ponyboy let him know that he had his attention.

"You doing okay man?" Johnny asked, watching him in concern and looking like he wanted to reach a hand out but wasn't sure if he should.

"Yeah, yeah," Ponyboy nodded, sitting up a little straighter, as if that would help him clear his head from unnecessary thoughts and distractions. "I'm just fine, Johnnycakes." Ponyboy smirked as Johnny rolled his eyes with a matching expression.

"Okay, whatever, fine man. But you're up next." Ponyboy glanced towards his coach, who was beginning to line up everyone.

"Oh, great." Ponyboy huffed, taking a deep breath once more, and hoping that his lungs would give him just one more good run this week, and fist-bumped Johnny before jumping up and lightly jogging over to his coach.

Time for one more good race.

Ponyboy won. He won. He finished in first place. Ponyboy still couldn't believe it, even hours after and they'd managed to wrangle themselves home. Sodapop had wanted to celebrate, but his idea of a fun time and Ponyboy's were two very different things.

Instead Darry had ordered a pizza, a few pizzas actually, for the gang and had stopped at the store for some ice cream and coke. He'd gotten Ponyboy his own bottle of Pepsi, a bigger bottle that was all for himself unless he wanted to share, whereas the rest of the gang still had to share with one another.

It made him feel special in a way—a very specific way—that Ponyboy hadn't felt in a while. A long while.

The giddy smile was seemingly trapped on his face as the gang all hooted and hollered around him. There would surely be complaints in the morning, but it really seemed like none of the gang cared. Not even Darry cared and Ponyboy couldn't smile any wider at the thought.

It made the knot of anxiety lessen in his chest as he leaned against Johnny; the only one of the gang that was calm. Johnny leaned against him a small bit, hiding a yawn as he let his eyes close.

It took a lot for Johnny to sleep around the gang and Ponyboy felt something in him settle every time he did. Not that he was asleep yet, but it was a pretty close thing.

Ponyboy laughed lightly as Two-bit and Dally started roughhousing. Steve was quick to pull the coffee table out of the way as Sodapop started placing bets. Darry was smiling as he watched from his chair, a bottle of beer in hand. Johnny chuckled slightly as Dally got the upper hand on Two-Bit and pinned him down.

"Say uncle! Say uncle!" Dally cajoled, laughing as Two-Bit struggled against the other.

"Never!" Two-Bit bit back, laughing as much as he could with a light strain appearing in his voice. Ponyboy watched them struggle, laughing with Johnny as Dally and Two-Bit continued to struggle against the other for a few more moments.

"Okay, okay, ease up." Darry chuckled, and Ponyboy bit back his groan of disappointment. He wanted to know who would have won in the end—whether Dally would have held his ground and gotten Two-Bit to call uncle, or if Two-Bit would have gotten the upper hand and pinned Dally or not.

"Awe, come on Dar," Sodapop groaned, a bright smile on his face as he leaned against Steve, who only grumbled briefly before adjusting to accommodate his best friend.

Ponyboy settled and Johnny readjusted with a quiet sigh. Ponyboy felt a bubble of dread build up inside him as he watched Dally and Two-Bit separate, both chuckling as Sodapop and Steve complained about the bet they'd made with each other.

Ponyboy jerked awake, looking around quickly as he realized there was shouting going on around him. He glanced to his side, mind jumping to check on Johnny who was seemingly still asleep; head back on the couch cousin and a blanket draped overtop of him.

He glanced around, flinching slightly when he felt a hand land on his shoulder. He glanced behind him, finding Two-Bit looking uncharacteristically serious from where he was laying across the couch. He must have put his blanket overtop of Johnny before laying down.

"Two-"

"Shh," Two-Bit shook his head. Ponyboy frowned before looking towards the kitchen. He could hear Dally and Darry arguing.

"What's happening?" Ponyboy whispered, glancing back at Two-Bit. Two-bit only shook his head. He was lying as if he was sleeping, so Ponyboy moved back to his original position. Two-Bit pat his shoulder before retracting his touch.

Ponyboy's eyes snapped shut, and he feigned as if he was sleeping as Dally stormed out of the kitchen. He was fuming and Ponyboy could nearly feel it. He would say that it felt like it had slipped under his skin and was clawing at him. But it was unrealistic, and he knew it.

"Get out, Dallas." Darry finally grit out. Ponyboy had noticed that the argument had been quieter than any other argument between the guys. They were loud guys and that was just a fact.

"Fine." Dallas uttered after a few moments of surprised silence. Ponyboy peeked, opening his eyes just slightly and watched as Dallas turned and stormed out of the house. The door slammed behind him, and Darry sighed.

It was a chest deep sigh, one that told Ponyboy that Darry was stressed and his thoughts were running around his head pretty feircely.

Ponyboy closed his eyes once more, a quiet sigh accidentally slipping out. Thankfully, Darry only took it as Ponyboy settling in his sleep, as he made his way back into the kitchen.

"You were too hard on him, Darry." Sodapop's voice came from the kitchen moment's later. Ponyboy opened his eyes, glancing towards the kitchen with a frown on his face.

"You okay, Pony?" Johnny asked, and Ponyboy flinched, having thought that Johnny had been asleep. He supposed not, now that he thought about it. Dally had been a little loud when he left.

"Y-yeah, 'm fine." Ponyboy responded quietly, quickly. He shook his head, as if that would clear the clutter that was beginning to muck up his head. He swallowed anxiously as he watched his oldest brother pace in the kitchen…

Or, no, he wasn't watching his brother pace. He was watching the shadow that was coming out of the kitchen doorway. And he was trying to listen to Sodapop calm his oldest brother down.

He wasn't actually listening though.

He was too busy thinking about how his brothers would react to Ponyboy being gay too.

"Pone? You need to breathe." Johnny told him, sitting up and grabbing Ponyboy's arm. He hadn't meant to flinch, but it had surprised him by how tight Johnny's grip had felt.

"I-I am." Ponyboy responded, swallowing as Johnny's grip losened. However, after he purposefully took a deep breath, he found he was able to concentrate a little bit more.

"No, you don't understand, Soda." Darry uttered, his voice sounding strained and tense. "Dallas could bring too much trouble around this time." Darry uttered, and Ponyboy felt like his heart dropped into his stomach.

"He doesn't bring any more trouble than Two-Bit or Steve does!" Sodapop groaned, and Ponyboy felt almost sick. He'd never heard Sodapop and Darry argue before.

Ponyboy pushed himself up, turning and actually facing the kitchen. His eyebrows furrowing. Their conversation had dropped down to quiet murmurs again, and he could see Steve leaning against the doorframe, a frown on his face and his own eyebrows were pinched.

"Steve?" Ponyboy tried his hardest to stay quiet, but still wanted Steve's attention. Steve glanced over, surprise briefly overtaking his features before it morphed to feigned annoyance.

Two-Bit sighed, turning over to lay on his back, a quiet groan as if he was feigning waking up.

Steve pushed off the doorframe, sighing quietly as he made his way over to the group. He sat down next to Ponyboy and Two-Bit, who had turned back onto his side.

"What happened?" Ponyboy asked quietly, Johnny hummed in agreement, leaning against Ponyboy's shoulder as he leaned forward to look at Steve.

"Dal's a queer." Steve responded. The way he said it had Ponyboy feeling cold. It felt like a bucket of ice cold water had been dumped over Ponyboy's head.

"What?" Out of anyone in the gang, he had not expected that Dally would be like Ponyboy. He'd have placed his bets on Two-Bit quicker than Dally. Not that there was any betting about this particular topic. Any thoughts of such a thing was illegal anyway.

Behind him, Johnny gasped quietly. But it sounded off to Ponyboy's ears. He didn't know why either. But Ponyboy forced the thoughts to leave his mind.

"How-wha-"

"Steve." The group flinched, looking up at the doorway finding Darry standing there. There was a hard look in his eyes. Ponyboy swallowed, feeling himself wanting to cower at how upset Darry looked.

How had they gone from celebrating Ponyboy's last track meet, his last win of the school year, to this?

"What did Steve do?" Sodapop appeared, head just above Darry's shoulder. He must have been on his tip toes. He also looked pretty confused when he saw that the group was just sitting together. Ponyboy felt like throwing up when Darry only sighed and shook his head.

"Dally is no longer a topic in the house, okay? Especially not about the disagreement that happened."

Ponyboy flinched. Two-Bit sat up in shock. Johnny made a wounded noise from behind Ponyboy. And Steve looked solemn. Sodapop looked sick.

"What?" Ponyboy pushed himself up, shaking off Two-Bit's hand when he tried to grab him and, as painful as it had been, side stepped Johnny when he also reached to grab Ponyboy. "Why the hell can't we talk about Dally? And that wasn't no disagreement. That was a fight."

"Ponyboy. Back down." Sodapop uttered from the kitchen doorway, but Ponyboy wasn't listening this time. He couldn't. If it really was because Dally was queer, than Ponyboy needed to say something.

His hands shook as he met his oldest brother's eyes. He was nearly 23 now. He looked so much older. He looked so much meaner, in the night time with only the kitchen illuminating him.

"Because. he could get you taken. We ain't havin' that. Not so close to you bein' eighteen." Ponyboy scoffed.

"That's not the only reason, is it?"

Darry's hands tensed as he crossed his arms. A habit that he'd started after a fight the two had when it was just them and Darry's hands and flung up… and Ponyboy had flinched in response.

"Just drop it. Pony." Darry sighed, a look of exhaustion crashing down on top of him momentarily before it was hidden again. Ponyboy had no clue what time of night it was, but it had to have been late.

"No. I'm not gonna drop it. Dal's our pal. He's our buddy. We don't just kick people out for no damn reason!"

"Dally's queer." Steve uttered, and Ponyboy turned and glared at him. He felt a little bad when Johnny flinched with wide eyes. It wasn't often that Ponyboy got vicious with anyone in the gang anymore.

"That's no reason."

"Don't talk like that!" Sodapop yelped, glancing towards the door as if a cop was going to bust in and arrest Ponyboy for the words he was saying.

"Why not?" Ponyboy huffed. "He's our buddy. We've hidden him from cops before! What's the difference? Him robbing a corner store with a heater, or him laying it out with a guy?" Ponyboy asked.

"Ponyboy Michael Curtis, you will not talk like that. You hear me?" Darry asked, his voice was low in tone, but hard. Ponyboy turned and glared at his brother.

"I will. Because it matters to me." Ponyboy uttered.

"Why the hell does it matter to you?"

"Because I'm gay!" Ponyboy finally yelled, his breathing heavy as his eyes darted around the room. "I'm a queer, Darry." He swallowed harshly, taking a step back as everyone started at him. He was shaking and he felt light headed and-

Johnny reached out towards him, hand reaching out and it looked like he wanted to say something but…

"What?" Darry sounded shocked, his voice quiet and low and… Ponyboy turned and bolted out of the house. He was running and he wasn't sure where he was going. The last time he'd taken off running into the night after a percieved fight with his brother…

A Soc nearly died and Johnny had gotten paralyzed.

But this time, Ponyboy wouldn't stop running until he knew what he was going to do. He failed last time because he stopped to think. He wouldn't make that mistake this time.

Ponyboy felt like he couldn't breathe. He was running as fast as he could, and after a day of running already, it felt pretty slow comparatively.

He thought that he would go to Dally, because Dally would understand. It was clear that Dally would understand if the fight from earlier in the night was anything to go by.

bonus words version:

and a nothing version:

(agh chat this didn’t bring over the italics but I rlly need to go to sleep so ignore anything weird fpr now until it’s posted for real 😭😭😭)

“So.”

Darry’s fork clicks against the plate, and Soda hums in response.

“I was thinkin’.”

“That ain’t never good, ain’t it?” Darry murmurs between a mouthful of peas, and Soda kicks him under the table. Pony rolls his eyes. They’re never subtle, even though they try to be. He’s sure it’s just a precaution: a year or so ago, that comment would’ve escalated into a screaming match. But they’ve been doing better.

“I was thinkin’ I could get a job.”

Soda glances up from his plate, his fork dropping from his hand and clattering on the table, which earns him a glare from Darry. Pony’s starting to sweat as his brothers give him scrutinizing looks. Suddenly dinner seems to be forgotten. “Ponykid, you’re 15, you ain’t need a job!” Soda exclaims, and Pony just shrugs.

“You got one, an’ you were 16.”

Soda’s face softens. “Yeah, but it’s different. I ain’t smart like you, baby. You gotta focus on school and shit, not workin’ your day away at a damn Dairy Queen.”

Pony’s heart skips a beat. He knows Soda’s right, but this don’t have anything to do with school. Not really. “Why’d you wanna get a job?” Darry interjects, and Pony stumbles over his words, a dead giveaway.

“I— helpin’ with bills. I dunno.” Pony glances down, and he’s pretty damn sure he’s blushing at the thought. Cause this ain’t to help with the bills, and he’s pretty sure his brothers can figure it out now too.

When he glances back up, Darry is staring across at him with a soft look. “Oh honey… this is about the gift for Johnny, ain’t it?”

Pony looks away. He don’t need to answer for Darry to know it’s right.

“You know you don’t need to worry about that, me and Darry’ve got it covered.” Soda assures, and the knot twists tighter in Pony’s throat. He knows they do, of course they do, Darry’s always on top of those kinda things, but that don’t mean Pony doesn’t feel bad about not doing shit for Johnny’s gift and just relyin’ on his brothers. So he just forces out:

“I know, I jus-just thought I would help cause he’s my best friend an’ all, an’ I wanna…” He pauses, what he really wants to say getting caught in his throat.

I don’t know if he’s just my best friend. I don’t know what he feels, but I know that there’s somethin’ between us that I ain’t never felt before. Not like how Soda described Sandy, or like Steve and Evie, or hell, even Dallas and Sylvie. Somethin’ else. Somethin’ more.

Darry takes his hand across the table, and Pony sniffs, looking back up at him. “Why don’t you write him a poem or somethin’? You ain’t need to buy ‘im somethin’ if it comes from the heart.”

Soda perks up too. “Yeah, you’re real good at that! He’ll love it.”

Pony nods, the idea cementing itself into his brain. Along with the worry that came with it. How the hell was he s’posed to write a poem for him? Would he write it… about them? About what he feels, some shit like “roses are red, violets are blue, I know we’re best friends, but I think I love you”??

“Don’t stress about it, baby.” Darry squeezes his hand. “Just… make somethin’ up. Think from the heart.”

~ ~ ~

So much for Darry’s advice. Think from the heart. Pony was trying to, real damn hard if he was one to judge, but every time he finished a poem his head ruined the whole thing by makin’ him second guess himself. What if Johnny don’t think the same? What if he thinks I’m some pervert or creep or somethin’? Now, Pony knows Johnny would never say that, at least not out loud to him, but he still can’t stop that little voice screamin’ at him all those doubts, all those worries.

Pony crumples up his latest draft and throws it to the side, completely missing the trash can. He’s got a small collection of crumpled up papers strewn all over the ground next to his desk, which Darry’s probably gonna get on his ass about later, but this is important, ain’t it? Johnny’s birthday’s in only two days, and Pony don’t have a damn clue of what to write.

He shoves the heels of his hands against his eyes, blinking quickly, and when he turns to his next sheet of paper, Soda’s there standing right next to him. He clutches the empty paper to his chest instinctively like it’s a secret, even though he ain’t written anything yet. Nothin’ that Johnny’ll like anyway.

“How’s it goin’?” Soda asks, and Pony just shrugs. He’s sure his face is blazing red, but he don’t need Soda to see that. However, his brother collapses on the bed. “Ponykid, it’s almost 10. You should be restin’ up that beautiful brain o’ yours for school tomorrow.”

Pony don’t exactly mean to, but he blurts out a question that’s been festering in the back of his brain for who knows how long. “Soda, how d’you know you love someone?”

He can’t bring himself to turn around in his chair, so he can’t tell what Soda’s reaction is except for the heavy silence that seems to go on for way too long. He crumples up the paper still in his hand until his knuckles are white around it. Soda’s probably thinkin’ he’s some kind of creep, askin’ him questions like this, an’ he knows his and Sandy’s breakup still ain’t quite outta his mind yet.

A knot clenches in his stomach the longer Soda stays silent, until he can’t hold onto it anymore and he turns around. “I’m sorry, I dunno why I’m askin’, it’s just…” He’s cut off by his older brother sitting back up and looking back at him with some expression in his eyes that Pony can’t quite tell what it means.

“Well… I guess, you love bein’ with ‘em, and y’all j’st do things for each other for no reason. Get butterflies in your stomach… y’know, you jus’ know when it happens.” Soda shrugs, stretching back out on the bed.

Pony wants to scream. He don’t know when— or if— it happens. And how’s he s’posed to? Johnny’s the only one he’s really felt like this about, nobody else coming even remotely close.

“Did you ever love someone other than Sandy?” Pony asks, and his voice comes out timidly. He shouldn’t be asking Soda this, cause he knows the answer, but he had to know. Know that he wasn’t alone in this.

“Sure. Plenty of girls,” Soda says, and the knot in Pony’s stomach twists.

“What about… not a girl?”

A small, mischievous smile makes its way onto Soda’s face, and Pony can already tell what he’s thinking. He’s crazy. Why the hell is he asking this? Shit, something’s wrong with him. What kinda— “Nah, not me. But you might wanna ask someone else in this house.”

Pony’s caught off guard by that answer. “What?”

Soda sighs, sitting back up on the bed. “Never mind. Why are ya askin’? Got a crush?”

Pony’s knuckles tighten around the edge of the chair. Somehow bringing it to light makes it… worse? Better? Just… weird. The thing is, he ain’t sure if Soda’s quite right about that. Cause it ain’t how Soda talked about Sandy, with hearts in his eyes and an endless string of compliments. Or how Dally acted all shy when Two-Bit an’ Steve would tease him about Sylvie. It’s quieter, softer somehow. Just them, in their own little world. The word “crush” don’t fit quite right, but neither do “brother” or “best friend.” An’ he ain’t real sure what the right word is.

Pony just shrugs in response, trying to brush it off like this hasn’t been plaguing him for days.

“You do!” Soda laughs. “Do I know ‘em?”

Pony’s not sure why he answers truthfully, but he just nods, refusing to make eye contact with Soda.

“Uhh… Bryon?”

Pony glances up. “Hell no.”

“It better not be Curly Shepard.”

“Ew no.” Pony lets out a laugh despite himself, until Soda squints at him and speaks the name of the one person Pony’s been trying not to think about.

“Johnny?”

Pony goes silent, and suddenly he knows that Soda knows this. He’s known for maybe longer than Pony himself even has. And Pony kinda hates himself for a second, because has it really been that obvious?

A knot twists in his stomach, and he turns in his chair, away from Soda and back to his paper, smoothing it out on his desk and picking up his pen. He knows he ain’t gonna write anything, not now, but he can’t bear to face his brother.

It’s silent for a bit, until Pony feels a pair of arms around him and a kiss is being pressed to his head. Soda’s soft voice above him says, “Y’know I still love you anyway, don’t ya?”

Pony nods, fighting back the tight knot that’s been threatening to make its way from his stomach to his throat. “Yeah, I know.” It comes out in a mumble that he’s not even sure Soda hears, but his older brother follows it up with, “And Darry. And Dallas, an’ Ace, an’— even Johnny. No matter what.”

Pony nods again, and Soda rubs at his neck. “I’m going to bed, baby, and you should too. Gotta rest up for tomorrow, yeah?”

Soda’s hands leave his shoulders, and Pony can hear the soft sighs of Soda as he falls asleep. Pony knows he ain’t gonna fall asleep, not now, but he sets his pencil down and climbs into the bed next to Soda. He still can’t get Soda’s words out of his head. Y’know I still love you anyway, don’t ya?… No matter what.

Damn.

~ ~ ~

Pony wakes up with a crick in his neck and a pencil still resting in his hand from the night before. The sun’s already shining bright through the window, and when he turns to look, Soda’s already gone. Jesus, how late did he sleep?

He yawns, rubbing at his eyes and dropping the pencil on the desk. He never usually got to sleep in this late, why—

He pauses. The sound of laughter floats up from downstairs, along with the smell of pancakes. The screen door slams, and suddenly Ponyboy realizes:

It’s Johnny’s birthday today. And he still don’t have even a trace of a gift for ‘im.

He’ll have to sneak away and try to write it later, maybe later today before they do presents— but he hears footsteps on the stairs and voices gettin’ closer and closer to his room, and, shit, he ends up just swipin’ all his scribbled-on papers straight into the trash can just before the door bursts open and Steve an’ Two-Bit come stumbling in.

Pony’s pretty sure his face is flamin’ red as Two-Bit reaches over and ruffles his hair. Steve grins as he starts throwing pillows at Two-Bit and tossin’ the sheets off the bed. Pony rolls his eyes as he watches them. Those two make every room they go in look like a tornado hit it.

Steve grabs a paper up off the floor, and Ponyboy tries to protest before he starts reading it out loud. Thankfully, he barely gets a few words in, not to the real part yet, before a voice interrupts him. “Hey, lay off ‘im. Pony, baby, come eat some breakfast.”

Darry offers a small smile to Ponyboy, almost like he knows what’s going on, before Two-Bit and Steve shove past him and run down the stairs. “Get any sleep?” Darry says as Pony scrambles to shove the discarded paper back in the trash. Pony just shrugs, barely lookin’ at him.

“Y’know, I really think Johnny’d like it if you came downstairs with ‘im. They’re all playin’ poker… or somethin’.” Darry lets out a chuckle, and Pony nods quickly. He swears to god, if Soda said anything to ‘im—

“More pancakes are ready!” Soda calls from downstairs, and Pony begrudgingly drags himself out of the chair to get ready.

~ ~ ~

When Ponyboy finally gets downstairs, Ace and Dallas are sitting around the coffee table, while Two-Bit’s got Steve in a headlock on the ground. Darry’s bustling around the kitchen, an’ Soda and Johnny are sittin’ at the counter. Something twists in Pony’s stomach when he sees Johnny. He’s barely spent time with ‘im these past couple of days, he’s been so busy trying to write something. Kinda forgot about it with all the stress an’ shit, but now he feels even worse, which don’t help.

He clears his throat as he slides into the seat next to Johnny.

“Hey, Pony.” Johnny says through a mouthful of pancakes. Pony takes a deep breath and forces a smile, trying as hard as he can to keep normal eye contact because his heart flutters every time he looks into those damn pretty eyes of his, and the knot in his stomach is twisting tighter and tighter with every second that gets closer to the end of Johnny’s birthday and the end of his chance to let him know what he feels, and shit, Darry and Soda got a gift while he has nothing, and he’s a horrible person, he knows it.

“Happy birthday,” Pony squeaks out, and Johnny smiles softly, then frowns at him.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah. Just… just excited. You’re seventeen!” Pony forces a grin and reaches out to squeeze Johnny’s arm, immediately regretting it when Johnny’s frown deepens.

“Are you sure? You’re acting weird.”

“I’m fine, I swear.” A plate of pancakes being placed in front of him gives him an excuse to turn away and break the conversation. The truth is he’s not fine, and he still don’t have a damn clue what to write for him, but now it might be too late and he’ll look like a horrible person cause he don’t have a gift.

Johnny just hums and turns back to his pancakes, and Pony wants to disappear in a hole somewhere. What the hell is wrong with him?

~ ~ ~

An’ it turns out he don’t get a chance to make a gift for Johnny. After breakfast he’s whisked away to play football (too cold outside still, but Darry refused to let ‘em throw it around in the house), then they all sit around and watch Jeopardy and drink hot cocoa, an’ Pony’s stuck in between Ace an’ Steve, and either way, they end up doin’ presents earlier than usual.

An’ Pony ends up sittin’ next to Johnny, which normally he would be ecstatic about, but today he ain’t too sure. He don’t really wanna be right next to him when he realizes he ain’t got a gift from Pony. Some weird sort of sickness rises up in his stomach as Johnny opens everyone’s gifts (not that there are many,) and gets closer and closer to Darry an’ Soda’s.

The unveiling of the gift passes by like a blur in Pony’s mind. He sees Johnny pulling out the nice, new, blue jacket, an’ Darry and Soda exchanging grins. Johnny tries it on, an’ everyone’s laughing around him, suddenly way too loud. All he can think is that he should’ve just helped to pay for it, saved up his money or gotten that job or done chores around the house, cause at least sharin’ a gift with his brothers would be better than having none at all.

As everyone sits back down, Pony braces himself for the questions.

Where’s your gift at?

Why didn’t you make anything in time?

What the hell is wrong with you?

Why can’t you tell him?

And suddenly, Pony’s throat is all choked up and it’s real hard to breathe. He can’t really see in front of him cause his vision is too fogged up, and shit, he’s crying. In fronta everyone. Including Johnny, and he can’t even tell them why. Not to mention the fact that he prob’ly just ruined Johnny’s birthday, cause what kind of a best friend starts bawling his eyes out now?

Pony feels another tear fall down his cheek, and he’s pretty sure he’s never been so embarrassed in his life. Vaguely, he notices Darry an’ Soda herding everyone out of the room, but his eyes are welling over with tears so he can’t really see much, an’ all he can think about is the present for Johnny and all the sleepless nights just for it to come out as absolutely nothing.

Johnny wraps an arm around him in a sort of side hug. It’s clear that he’s not really sure what to do; Pony ain’t cried in front’a him since that night at the park covered in another kid’s blood. Pony don’t mean to, but he lets himself sink into Johnny’s hug and sob into his shoulder, and shit, he’s really dug himself deep here, hasn’t he? Bawling his eyes out to his best-friend-but-maybe-something-else because he feels bad about a gift.

Pony sniffs. “‘M a horrible person, I didn’t get you a present. I was gonna but…”

Johnny straightens up, watching him closely. “That’s what you’re worried about? Shoot, Pony, it ain’t that big a deal, I swear. I don’t need anything.”

“You don’t get it. I had it all planned out an’ everything but I just couldn’t…” His breath gets caught in his throat. He ain’t real sure why he’s spilling everything to Johnny, but now that he’s said it he can’t stop. The thing is, Johnny’s the only one he can tell this to, but he can’t.

He’ll hate him. He’ll think he’s some perverted creep. He’ll never want to talk to him again. He’ll—

“Pony, hey. Breathe.”

And suddenly Johnny’s hand is carding through his hair, and Pony’s leaning against his shoulder, and the words are spilling out of his mouth faster than he can think about them.

“I… Shit, Johnny, I like like you, but— but not… like that, y’know? More than… just my friend, but… y’know… ‘M sorry.” Pony straightens up outta Johnny’s reach an’ stares down at his hands. He shouldn’t have said that, he should’ve just pretended he was upset about the gift and left it at that, he should—

And his heart nearly damn stops right there and then. ‘Cause Johnny reaches forward, then slides his hand right into Pony’s. And it fits so perfectly well that Pony wants to burst into tears again. He can’t bring himself to look up, so he can’t tell what Johnny’s thinkin’ when he says, “I— I know.”

Pony sniffs. “So… y’ don’t think I’m some creep?”

“Hell no, Pony, that’s crazy. You’re my…” Shit. Pony waits for the inevitable, the cutting, burning words of “You’re my best friend” or “You’re like my brother” or who even damn knows what else.

“… You’re my person. An’ I think ya feel the same way about me, yknow? So… yeah, I think I get what you mean.”

“Yeah…” Pony sniffs again, finally managing to look up at Johnny, who’s got some faraway look in his eyes like he’s thinkin’ real hard about something. Pony’s never meant to notice, but he gets that same look when he’s tryin’ to get the plot of some book, or when he’s figuring out a way to cheat at poker for the third game in a row without Two-Bit noticing. He don’t really mean to, but he lets out a little laugh, an’ Johnny finally looks over at him.

“What?”

“We’re just… I was tryin’ real hard to write a poem or some shit about… this for your birthday, an’ now… guess I don’t even need it. Stayed up all night for no damn reason.”

“I guess it is kinda funny, when you think about it.” Johnny says, picking at a scab on his leg. An’ Pony’s all too aware that Johnny’s hand is still pressed against his, a thumb absentmindedly running over his skin.

“You saying I ain’t funny?” Pony interjects, and Johnny laughs. It’s music to his ears after tearing himself apart about the exact opposite happening for days.

“No, I’m just sayin’ the situation is funny. You laughed too, dumbass.”

“Mm, sure.” Pony rolls his eyes, swinging their entwined hands between them. Even when he stops, Johnny don’t let go, and he’s beyond grateful for that. He leans forward, nestling his head in the crick of Johnny’s neck.

“So we’re okay?” He mumbles, voice muffled from the collar of Johnny’s jean jacket.

“Sure. We’re okay.” Johnny says, and pulls Pony into a hug, a hand rubbing at his back. Something swells up in Pony’s heart, and he lets himself sink into the touch. It’s nice. Real nice. Especially after expecting nothin’ of this sort for this entire time.

“All right! If you two are done with your lovefest in here, we’re playin’ some blackjack, so scooch over.” Two-Bit shouts, and Pony and Johnny pull apart reluctantly, sharing a glance. Pony wants to laugh, cause Johnny’s face is real red, but Ace, Soda, and Steve are all pilin’ on the couch so he don’t exactly have time to.

As Two-Bit deals in the hand, Darry shoots him a worried look, but Pony don’t mind, just giving a small smile back. He knows he’ll have to explain it at some point, at least tell him he’s okay now an’ not tearin’ himself apart anymore. But for right now, he’s content to hook his pinky around Johnny’s under the table and try not to laugh when he cheats and wins. To squeeze his hand during a scary part in their movie and end up not letting go. To fall asleep on his shoulder that night ‘cause they stayed up way past his curfew finishing Gone With the Wind, and to wake up in the same place, the book still open between them.

An’ maybe… maybe they don’t need a word for this. ‘Cause, sure, this ain’t the normal romance, but they ain’t just best friends either. They’re something… in between. Something different.

But Pony ain’t worried. They’ll have plenty of time to talk about it later, plenty of chances to hold hands under the covers and stay up all night finishing a book and stare up at the stars while whispering secret confessions into each other’s ears. Plenty of time, which neither of them used to believe they would get.

An’ it ain’t just now. Maybe even if Pony goes off to college, if Johnny somehow gets in, they’ll stay in touch. After all, they don’t need to talk every day to have the same bond. They’ve always got that reassurance that the other one will be there for them, no matter what.