summary: jj is stuck in a whirlwind taking form of some sort of relationship with you. he wants more, but you won’t commit. can jj bring himself to walk away? loosely written based on the song ‘using you’ by mars argo.
warnings: jj x meankook!reader, angst, arguments, toxic relationship, cursing, smut, jealousy, happy ending
from jen: this fic really got away from me but i love it. let me know what you think <3
Nights like these had JJ Maybank reeling. The kind of night where the Outer Banks was uncharacteristically quiet. No sound came from the wind or the ocean, not even the cicadas sang.
JJ laid on his back atop of the worn down couch on the porch of the chateau. One hand stretched across his stomach, the other threw a quarter machine bouncy ball in the air.
His friends wandered inside a few hours ago, worn down from the party they attended earlier. A party JJ couldn’t even enjoy.
He spent most of the night with a girl Camila – or was it Candice? – attached to his arm. She was pretty, likable enough to spend the night with. She matched his flirting, maybe even went further than he did. It became clear to JJ she was interested in going home with him, and normally he would’ve jumped at the chance.
But it was Saturday, and that meant his night was reserved for you. It was the one constant between you two: always sharing Saturday nights. He wasn’t willing to give that up. So instead, he fed Candice – Camila? – a hardly believable excuse and spent the rest of the night waiting by the phone.
Now it was nearly 2am and it was radio silence from you. It wasn’t like you kept in contact with him regularly, but he could almost always expect you to call him by 11 on Saturday’s. Tonight? Absolutely nothing.
He thought about texting you first. A simple ‘You up?’ could do the trick, but that didn’t work for you. No, you held control. Like a leash around his neck and every time he thought he had some breathing room, you’d yank it back as a reminder.
He hated it. Somewhere between the beginning of you two and now, it stopped being just physical for him. There were moments you let just a small part of yourself slip past, giving him a look into the real you.
A softer version, a funny one. Not the one who passed him on the street and doesn’t even look at him. Not the one who pretends like you don’t spend every Saturday in his bed.
It happened more often than he was willing to admit. Seeing you, wishing you’d just look at him – acknowledge him any sort of way. Every time he saw you, he couldn’t keep his eyes off you. It was like you tore him open and settled inside his chest, burrowing yourself so deep you were now engraved in his DNA.
But you weren’t his and you made that clear.
Now he felt stupid. Here he was, worrying about you when he had the opportunity to hook up with that girl earlier. An opportunity he didn’t take out of some sort of respect for you. For all he knew, you were out with someone else and that’s why you didn’t call him tonight.
That thought settled deep in his chest, bubbling his jealousy over.
JJ scoffed, sitting up and tossing the ball away from him. He wasn’t going to dwell over you anymore. He wasn’t gonna care. JJ Maybank didn’t need anyone, especially not a spoiled kook princess who think she’s too good for him.
Then suddenly, his phone buzzed beside him. His stomach flipped – was it you? He peered at the screen and sure enough, your name covered his screen.
Annoying to himself, he didn’t even hesitate. He snatched his phone up, answering and pressing the phone to his ear.
“Hey,” JJ heard how rough his voice was, and still how absolutely pathetic he managed to sound. He cursed himself for answering so quickly. He knew that now it looked as if he were just waiting by the phone, giving you even more control.
“Hi,” You answered back. JJ felt a pull in his chest. He was torn between being thankful you called and hating that you called.
Your voice was so soft. He loved the sound of it, even though half the time it didn’t match the way you treated him. How you could sound so sweet in tone but so mean in words was beyond him.
“You at the chateau?” You asked simply. He couldn’t gauge anything real from your tone, you always made sure to seem detached from him. He hated that. JJ hummed in response, too afraid to use actual words.
You both knew he wouldn’t be anywhere else, so why ask? Part of him thought maybe it was your subtle way of reminding him he’d always be waiting for you. That the question represented the control you had over him.
“Where are you?” He suddenly asked. His earlier thought of you being with someone else rang in his head. He had to know.
“Out,” You said. Your tone wasn’t mean, yet.
JJ’s brows furrowed and he felt the jealousy dig its claws further into his chest. “With who?”
On the other end, you laughed. Light, breathy laughter filling his ear. Unlike most times, it didn’t comfort him – it annoyed him. Why couldn’t you just answer him?
“Why are you asking, JJ?”
He was asking because he felt like his entire world was crumbling underneath him. He felt like you were pushing him under water and every time he felt like he was ready to let go, you gave him just enough air to hold on a little tighter.
“Tell me,” He tried to make his voice sound less like he was begging and more like he was demanding.
You were smiling, he could hear it even through the phone. He felt his heart ache inside his chest.
“Do you want me to come over?” Your voice was sweet again, and you knew you had him.
It wasn’t really about you coming over, it was about him giving you even more control. You took and took and took, not caring to offer him something in return.
“Yeah,” JJ answered, his voice low. You didn’t respond but he knew you won. You always did.
You didn’t respond before hanging up, leaving JJ to listen to the dial tone. He exhaled shakily, thudding his head back against the cushions of the couch.
What am I doing? He thought. He couldn’t understand what it was about you that kept him coming back for more.
JJ’s mind ran a million miles an hour as he waited for you to arrive. It took you 23 minutes to finally get there. It wasn’t because you lived that far, it was because you enjoyed making him wait for you. You knew he always would.
JJ watches your headlights cover the chateau in light, gravel crunching beneath your tires. When you finally step out of the car, JJ immediately notices how you look. You’re always dressed nicely but this time, it’s more.
Your figure is covered by a small, tight burgundy dress – if he could even call it that. It’s incredibly short. There’s lace across the front, and the hem ends just barely below your ass. You didn’t bother wearing a jacket. Your feet are strapped into thin black heels.
He feels sick at the sight of you. Not because you don’t look gorgeous, of course you do. But because this isn’t just a regular party outfit. It’s because don’t look like this for him, you chose the outfit for someone else.
You were with someone else, that’s why you didn’t call him earlier.
His eyes are trained on you as you saunter up the grass and onto the porch with him. The moonlight shines over your face, that beautiful face he adores even when you make him want to hate you. You stop in front of him, eyes already on his mouth.
“You look nice,” JJ says bitterly. You blink at him, surprised he mentioned it. You knew how you looked and assumed he’d piece together you’d been with someone else earlier but this wasn’t the first time you’d done it, and it wasn’t something he acknowledged before.
“Thank you,” You responded with a smile. You weren’t going to give into his attitude. You weren’t his girlfriend and you were here after all.
JJ gave you a once over again, a newfound anger in his eyes.
“Who was he?” He asked, meeting your eyes again. You raised a brow at him. You knew he wasn’t asking because he was actually curious. It was like he wanted to hurt himself.
And who were you to deny him?
“Tristan Ayers,” You confessed, lifting your hands to trail along his arms. JJ ignored the way goosebumps bubbled on his skin.
He grimaced at the name. Tristian Ayers was a loser.
“Ayers?” JJ practically spit the name out. It made sense why you were here now. Everybody knew he talked more game than he actually had. You hummed in response, eyes trailing over his bare arms and up to his face.
He ignored the fire igniting in his stomach. He wasn’t going to be a second choice.
“That guy’s a douche,” He muttered, eliciting a soft laugh from your mouth. You nodded in agreement, then brought your eyes back to his.
The look in his eyes confirmed what you already knew - he’s jealous. A part of you finds some sick satisfaction in that reaction. A deeper part of you feels a sick ache from it; almost telling yourself you’re going to hurt him.
But his feelings aren’t your responsibility, you tell yourself. The arrangement you have with him is purely physical, there’s no point in taking his feelings into account.
So you push him harder. The more you anger him, the faster you get him into bed.
“Are you jealous, JJ?” Your voice isn’t just teasing, you’re mocking him. He feels embarrassed. Why does he give you so much access to him when he gets nothing from you?
He has to fight back, hold onto whatever dignity he has left.
“Just not interested in someone’s sloppy seconds,” JJ says, staring directly into your eyes. He expects it to hurt you, or make you show something. Anything.
Instead, your head tilts and you stare at his mouth again.
“Do you want me to go back to him?” You ask.
JJ hates the way the question sounded – like if he said yes, you wouldn’t hesitate to turn around and leave him.
He doesn’t want you to leave him, ever.
JJ moves forward, his hands finally finding your waist as he pulls your mouth against his. His lips slide against yours, his head tilting to keep your rhythm.
Even though he initiated the kiss, you take control quicker than even he expected. Your hands that rested on his arms move to his chest, pushing him backwards as you kiss. His back hits the door and he quickly reaches behind him to open it, all without breaking the kiss.
You don’t care to worry about his friends you know are residing in the house – all you care about is him. JJ doesn’t seem to care either as he leads you backwards, stumbling slightly into the table and the wall.
It gets messier the further into the house you get. The house is dark, the only light coming from the small TV in the living room as it plays some cheesy movie. JJ fumbles over his own feet, holding onto your hips as an anchor. When his back hits the wall of the hall, he quickly spins around so you’re pinned instead.
Surprising to JJ, you allow it. He continues moving his mouth over yours, and you swipe your tongue over his lips. JJ parts his lips just enough to let your tongue slip through. You glide yours across his, sliding your hands up to tangle in his hair.
JJ moans into your mouth when you tug just slightly. His hands wander from your hips and up to cup your face instead. His large hands cover your cheeks, forcing the kiss even deeper. His thumb rubs against the apple of your cheek, and you almost melt into his touch.
Just as fast as the intimacy of the action felt, you pushed it away. Your hands slipped from his hair and found place against his chest, shoving him backwards.
JJ grunted, unwillingly breaking the contact with you. He looked at you, confusion swimming in his blown pupils. You didn’t say anything as your hands grasped the hem of your tiny dress, pulling it over your head and tossing it to him.
He caught it with ease. You stood in front of him, left only in your panties. The only light coming through the screen door, illuminating your face again.
JJ watched your chest heave just slightly, but he recognized the hunger that settled in your eyes.
Even if you didn’t love him back, you needed him in the same physical way he needed you. He was gonna get you to admit it; even if it was the last thing he did.
You still didn’t speak when you moved toward him, grabbing him by the collar of his shirt and twisting it in your palm. You pulled him forward, pressing your mouth to his again. You walked backwards, pushing open the door to the guest room that basically became his.
You moaned against his mouth when his fingers dug into your hips again, hard enough you could feel bruises already ready to form.
JJ shut the door with his foot, reaching back to click the lock into place. Quickly, he spun you around – your back to his chest. JJ wrapped your hair in his hand, sliding it so it all fell over one shoulder. His mouth found its place on your neck, sucking and biting the tender skin there.
You bit your lip to stifle the moan begging to surface. His other hand lifted, groping your bare tit in his palm. Your head fell back against his shoulder.
“Fuck, you’re so perfect like this,” JJ said. You let your moan slip out when his mouth attached itself to that spot just below your jaw and at the same time, his fingers flicking over your nipple.
If he knew one thing, it was how to work your body.
Suddenly, you felt too exposed. You twisted your body in his arms. He moved to kiss you again but you didn’t let him, instead lifting his shirt up so he could pull it over his head. He listened, throwing it to some lost corner of the room.
JJ watched your fingers slide into the loop of his shorts, pulling him closer to you. You brought your mouth to his jaw, kissing a line down his neck, to his chest until you lowered to your knees.
JJ cursed under his breath, watching as you quickly unbuttoned his shorts and helping you tug them down. You barely let them drop past his thighs before your hand wrapped around his length, your tongue swiping across his tip.
JJ moaned above you, his hand tangling into your hair. You acted quickly, taking him into your mouth.
You and JJ didn’t do slow and sweet, it was hard and messy.
“Fuck,” JJ grunted above you as your jaw slacked, taking him deeper into your mouth. You bobbed your head back and forth, saliva spilling past the corners of your mouth.
JJ’s hand in your hair cradled the back of your head, pushing you in tandem as your head bobbed. Your eyes flicked up to his, swiping your tongue around his cock. JJ tried to keep eye contact with you but when you hummed around him, his eyes fluttered shut and his hips pushed forward.
You gagged around him, eyes watering from his sudden movement. You tried to glare at him, but you couldn’t pretend as if you didn’t like how rough he got with you.
With no resistance from you, JJ tightened his hand against your head, holding you in place. He gave you a moment before speaking.
“Breathe through your nose,” JJ breathed out. You blinked up at him, just before he brought his other hand to help hold the back of your head. Then, without warning, he began pushing his hip forward – fucking your mouth.
You moaned against him, the sound more a gurgle than anything else. He moaned at the sight of you, on your knees, pupils blown wide and choking on his dick.
“Fuck baby,” He whined, thrusting his hips faster. Your jaw was beginning to ache but you didn’t care. You moved your head faster, swirling your tongue around the tip of him. His hips stuttered and he was quick to pull you up by your hair.
You grunted as you settled back onto your feet. Your mouth was covered in spit, mascara smearing below your eyes and your hair was a tangled mess.
You looked beautiful, JJ thought.
He didn’t hesitate, surging forward until his mouth met yours. You moaned against his mouth as he walked you backwards, kicking his shorts off his ankles. When your legs hit the mattress, JJ practically shoved you down, your body bouncing just slightly from the force. He pulled himself over you, still not breaking the kiss.
JJ settled between your legs, grinding himself against you. You could tell he felt frustrated by the panties still covering you, and he quickly brought his hands to them. You assumed he’d slide them down your legs but were proven wrong by the loud sound of fabric ripping between his fingers.
You wanted to scold him for that; it wasn’t like he was going to buy a replacement pair but you couldn’t really care enough. All you wanted was for him to fuck you.
You wrapped your legs around his waist, quickly pushing him to the side so you were straddling him instead.
He looked shocked for a moment, but it faded when you gripped his length in your hand and lifted yourself up. JJ’s eyes locked onto where you were lowering yourself onto his cock, and he fought the urge to slam you down onto him.
You didn’t tease or lengthen the moment, once he was aligned you eased onto him. You shared a choked moan with him as you settled onto him.
Quickly, you found your rhythm atop him. JJ’s hand found home on your hips, rocking you back and forth. He was thick and hard inside you, throbbing against your walls.
No matter how hard you tried with other people, they never measured up to him. Nobody ever would.
You buried that thought deep inside you, leaning down to kiss him again. You bounced yourself up and down, the bed creaking beneath you two.
JJ’s hand slid up your body, finding his place around your neck. You moaned into his mouth when his fingers tightened just a fraction, the perfect amount to make your head swim.
“JJ please,” You whimpered into his mouth before you could stop. Your pleading didn’t mean anything, not when he was fucking you but damnit, JJ was going to hold onto it until it was ripped from his hands.
He slid his free hand between you two, his thumb circling your clit. He felt your walls clenching around him, milking him for everything he had to offer.
You threw your head back when he started thrusting upwards, meeting your movements. His fingers tightened around your throat and his thumb picked up speed against your clit.
Your orgasm was fast approaching, and your burning thighs were grateful for it.
“Right there, right there,” You cried into his mouth, his hips quickening their pace.
JJ moaned into your mouth, his cock twitching inside you.
“Cum for me, baby, come on,” You obeyed, continuing to grind your hips against his. Your orgasm washed over you, your vision whitening as your pussy clamped around him.
JJ whined into your neck, ropes of warm cum filling you from the inside. His arms tightened around you, holding you tight against his chest as you both came down from your highs.
Your breathing began to slow, your face buried into his chest. JJ’s breathing slowly matched yours, his face buried against your neck.
Your mind felt hazy, as it usually did after your nights with him. Tentatively, JJ slowly moved so you were laying beside him, all while keeping himself inside you. You didn’t fight his movements, still too busy trying to catch your breath.
JJ knew it was only a limited time that he could hold you like this and he was going to take it.
You settled into his side, your eyes closed, lashes resting against your cheeks. He brought his hand up, pushing some hair out of your face and caressing your cheek. Your chest moved up and down, slowly regaining its natural movement.
His heart ached at the sight of you. How easy it would be to fall asleep with you like this, to hold you all night. He thought maybe tonight you would.
Then your eyes opened and gone was the desire for him they held barely minutes ago. You pulled your hips back, ignoring the sting of him sliding out of you. JJ muffled his own hiss, and fought the urge to hold you in place.
You sat up, searching for the towel beside his bed. JJ took it from your hands, cleaning you up himself. You didn’t fight it, you actually appreciated it. You knew he’d read into it but for now, you were gonna enjoy the feeling of him taking care of you.
When he finished, he sat the towel down and looked back at you. His beautiful green eyes stared back at you, silently begging. You ignored it.
You didn’t speak as you stood, leaning down to grab your dress.
JJ felt his heart beat faster, and not from the sex. He wanted you to stay. For once, he wanted you to want him the same way he wanted you.
He knew he shouldn’t ask, it would be a mistake. He knew that.
But JJ knew no bounds when it came to you.
“Stay,” JJ’s voice surprised even him. He sounded small, fragile even. You stilled for a moment, dress in hand.
He didn’t know what to say next. “Just..” He trailed off, holding eye contact. “For tonight, stay with me,”
Your chest cracked, just a little. You’d be lying if you said you didn’t want to, but you couldn’t. For a multitude of reasons.
He was a pogue, you were a kook. He was from a totally different world than you, it would never work – not really. But then he looked at you like that and you felt your insides wanting to melt.
It would be so easy to give in. To allow yourself to want and need him the way he did you. But you had too much pride and you didn’t know how to let him in. Not really.
So you broke him instead. If you couldn’t have him, you had to hurt him. It was sick, the way your mind worked.
“No,” You said simply. One simple word, a singular syllable and JJ felt his heart crack open.
“Why not?” You ignored the tremble in his voice. He sounded like a child, a sweet innocent child trying to understand why someone they love would hurt them.
You sighed, frustration bubbling in your chest. Why did he have to do this? Why couldn’t he just let it be easy?
“Because I don’t want to,” You responded, slipping the dress up your hips and pulling the straps over your shoulders.
JJ felt his throat tighten and his eyes burn. How many more times was he going to let you make him feel this way? Insignificant, replaceable, meaningless.
JJ couldn’t respond, your words did the damage you wanted them to. You glanced at him just enough to see the thin lining of tears in his eyes.
Why couldn’t you just let yourself have him?
Without another word, you slipped through the door and disappeared. JJ fell back against the bed, squeezing his eyes shut. He hated the feeling of tears slipping past the corners of his eyes and down his temple.
How could you walk away from him so easily when he felt a pang so deep in his chest it felt like someone was carving into it with a dull knife?
JJ felt sobs bubbling in his chest, and it angered him. He wanted to hate you for making him feel like this. For making him feel like he didn’t mean anything.
But he knew, he always knew – you would never be his and it was time he stopped trying. If he held onto you any longer, it was going to tear him apart.
He made his decision then, left alone in bed. He was letting you go, completely.
Eight days had passed since that night and JJ had fully committed to his decision on letting you go.
Not that it really seemed to matter to you. You hadn’t reached out since then, and it was tearing him apart.
JJ’s friends noticed his sudden change in mood. He was always somewhat on edge, reckless and annoying but this was different. He wasn’t just wacky, he was actually angry.
John B noticed first, after a string of minuscule moments where JJ practically bit his head off at random. Pope and Sarah decided to simply steer clear of him, but Kiara found herself nearly ready to wack him upside the head with her surfboard.
JJ knew he was being an asshole, and he felt bad – but he felt worse every time he remembered your face that night and the way you simply disappeared. As much as he wanted to let the anger go, he couldn’t. It fueled his motivation to not call you.
Now he was here – leaning on against the wall at the house party he was attending, a girl pressed against his chest and his tongue down her throat.
He realized the quickest way to forget you, was to fuck somebody else. So he did, a lot.
You stood across the room, trying your hardest not to stare as JJ practically dry humped that girl.
After his silent treatment the past week, you assumed he was doing it to prove a point – that he would be perfectly fine without you. You hadn’t expected him to last even a day, let alone an entire week but if he was going to act like a petulant child, you weren’t going to give him any attention.
However the sight of him with another girl had your blood boiling. You knew he wasn’t doing anything wrong, he wasn’t yours and you weren’t his but still – he should learn to keep it in his pants.
Another part of you felt like you needed to prove a point. You haven’t spoken to him because neither of you reached out, it happened by accident a few times before but the moment you called, he was there. Instantly. Why should now be any different?
You pulled your phone out, sending a message to him without a second thought. A simple ‘hey’. You went back to your conversation without looking to see if he also pulled his phone out.
A few minutes passed and you still hadn’t felt your phone buzz. When you looked back at the spot he and the girl shared, he was gone. You ignored the way your heart dropped and messaged him again.
This time, you stared at the message thread. No notification saying he read it, only that it delivered. Minutes passed and still nothing. You sent another one.
- You’re not still mad, are you?
You were beginning to feel pathetic. You never messaged this many times, and you were going to stop before it got embarrassing. You slipped your phone back into your pocket, ready to get back to your night.
What you had with JJ was a fling – fun, easy, meaningless. You weren’t going to make it into something it wasn’t.
You continued drinking and before you knew it, an hour had passed. You dragged yourself through the house and up the stairs looking for a bathroom. You walked down the hall, heading for the door you thought you remembered being the bathroom. Instead of opening the door of a bathroom, it was a bedroom and inside of it, JJ stood at the edge of the bed.
Your eyes quickly scanned the sight. JJ stood in the middle of the room, shirtless and his hands buttoning his jeans back up. Behind him stood a girl, the same girl you saw him with earlier, fixing her skirt – her face red and eyes wide.
For a moment, you stared at each other.
Despite yourself, you felt sick. He wasn’t just ignoring you, here he was fucking another girl in a strangers bed. An unsettling feeling sat in your chest and you knew it was jealousy.
You should’ve just turned around, walked away from this moment and from him. But the thought of him thinking he had the last laugh was a blow to your pride.
So instead, you smiled. A twisted, sinister smile.
“JJ,” He tenses at the sound of you saying his name but he doesn’t have time to say anything before you turn to the girl behind him. “I wouldn’t get too comfortable, he only does this when he’s mad at me,” You kept your voice sweet as you said it.
JJ’s jaw clenched, but he didn’t say anything. The girl picked up on the fact that he was going to and quickly smoothed her skirt out, mumbling something under breath before nearly running out – leaving you and JJ alone.
You looked back at him, still wearing a sick smile.
“She was cute,” You teased.
He quickly pulled his shirt over his head, anger flaring in his eyes.
“The hell was that about?” He asked. You rolled your eyes and stepped fully into the room, shutting the door behind you.
“Should’ve locked the door if you wanted to get your dick wet at a house party,” You kept your voice as leveled as possible. You weren’t going to give him the satisfaction that he was getting to you.
JJ grimaced at your words.
“So what? I don’t gotta explain shit to you,” He shot back.
You were surprised by his tone. You’d never argued before, not really – you never gave him the opportunity.
“I don’t want an explanation,” You rolled your eyes. When you looked back at him, his jaw was tight but he was still staring at you. “I’ve been texting you,” You said.
JJ glanced away from you, trying to busy his hands with his belt buckle. “I saw,”
“You didn’t answer,” You said. You recognized you were beginning to come off as something more than curious but you kept it controlled.
“Nope,” JJ responded. Your brows furrowed at his answer. You wanted to dig deeper, demand he tell you why he was ignoring you but he clearly didn’t care. Five minutes ago he was fucking another girl into the mattress.
Your chest clenched at the thought. He was mad at you for not staying but he was taking the opportunity to use this space for someone else.
You weren’t going to let him think you cared, even if deep down; you did.
“You know what, JJ,” You began, ready to fling the door back open. “You wanna keep acting like a little bitch, don’t let me stop you,”
“I’m the one acting like a little bitch?” JJ scoffed, his finger pointed into his chest. Your hand still clutched the door knob. “You don’t get to say that when I asked you to stay and you left,”
You groaned at his words. “Is that what this is about? You’re mad I didn’t say the night and cuddle, JJ?” Your face twisted, your tone turning into mocking.
“Don’t,” He said. “Don’t act like that’s all it was,”
“Then what was it? Because to me, it seems like you’re pissed off that I’m doing exactly what we agreed on,” You shot back. JJ shook his head.
“We never agreed to anything,” He argued. He stepped closer to you and the look in his eye was pure anger. “You call the shots and expect me to just let it happen,”
Your eyes narrowed. “So it’s my fault you can’t say no?”
JJ groaned – a deep, frustrated sound invading the air around you two. He faced you again and his whole demeanor crumbled. “Maybe it is. Maybe I’m the idiot who can’t get you out of his head. Maybe I’m fucking myself up thinking you’d actually change your mind,”
Your breath hitched, just barely. He stared into your eyes, silently begging you not to break his heart again. He was giving you the most vulnerable part of himself, knowing it gave you full control this time.
He took your silence as an invitation to continue.
“I don’t want this halfway shit anymore,” He shook his head. “I don’t wanna keep guessing which version of you I’m gonna get. I don’t wanna keep driving myself crazy wondering who you’re with. I’m tired of being what you choose only when you’re bored,”
You stared up at the boy in front of you.
A boy bearing his soul to you. A boy you shouldn’t hurt.
But hurting him is all you knew how to do.
In seconds, your eyes flashed and gone was any emotion they carried before. You raised your chin. “Then don’t,”
Your tone was cold. Flat. Something simple but still enough to hurt him.
JJ stared back at you, his eyes searching yours.
“That easy, huh? You’re just done?”
You shrugged. “What do you want, JJ? You wanna hold hands around town, play house together?”
You watched his jaw twitch. “I’m telling you I’m done,” He said finally. You swallowed. “You choose me right now – really choose me – or I walk,”
You opened your mouth to argue but he shook his head.
“That means no late night calls, no secret Saturday’s, nothing.” JJ’s voice was rough and you noticed his adam’s apple bob in his throat. You noticed the way his eyes glazed over.
And still, you didn’t soften. You refused to.
The air in the room stilled. For a moment, it sounded like even the party outside the room had silenced. You stood in front of each other, staring.
You watched as something like hurt flickered over his features. But as soon as it came, it was gone. Replaced by a hardened look, an act of self preservation.
JJ stepped back, nodding once. He looked into your eyes and for a second it looked like he was memorizing your face. You half expected him to argue anyway but then suddenly, he was moving past you and slipping through the door.
You didn’t move to stop him or call out for him. You didn’t even turn as the door clicked behind him.
He was gone and for the first time, it was him that left you.
Another week of silence passed and JJ couldn’t cling to anger anymore. It faded into a dull ache of grief.
The grief of losing and missing you.
The feeling sat in his chest like a rock on top of his lungs. It was hard to breathe, hard to even exist without you. He couldn’t sleep anymore and the times he did, his dreams were haunted by you. Images of a version of you that would only ever exist in his mind.
You never reached out. He told himself it was a good thing, that it was what he wanted. Something he needed in order to move on.
But God, it didn’t feel like it. It felt like a piece of him was ripped away from him.
The pogues noticed and realized this wasn’t something he’d dealt with before. John B and Pope tried to get him to go fishing, promising him the better rod he always begged for.
He opted out of all the group outings they invited him on. JJ chose to sulk in bed than walk around, meant to act like he wasn’t losing his mind.
Every day and every night he fought the urge to call you. Most nights, he had your contact pulled up and ready to hit call. Then he remembered your face that night and what you said.
He gave you a chance to choose him and you didn’t. He couldn’t put himself through it anymore.
So instead, he shut his phone off every time and laid in silence. Staring up at the ceiling fan, spending all night wishing it was different.
On the other side of town, you were pretending just as much. You still went to parties, still let other guys flirt with you, still pretended like his absence wasn’t burning a hole in your heart.
But every time, you found yourself looking for him. At boneyard parties, your eyes scanned the crowd for any sign of him. You searched for him when you had lunch at The Wreck. When you saw the rest of the pogues at the beach, you held your breath, waiting to see him barrel out of the van next.
He didn’t just disappear from your life, it was like he didn’t even exist anymore. It was driving you crazy.
You lied to yourself – said it was your ego taking a hit you never had before. Chalked it up to the irritation of your routine being disrupted. But you knew the truth.
Late at night when you laid alone, you heard that voice on your shoulder whisper in your ear.
It wasn’t the secrets you missed, or the control. It was the mop of blonde hair you ran your fingers through. You missed his beautiful green eyes looking back at you. You missed the feeling of his arms wrapped around you, being close to him in the most intimate way possible.
Without even noticing, he had slipped inside the deepest part of your soul and planted himself there like a seed. And just as fast as you noticed, he was gone.
He was gone and left you with a tear the size of him in your heart. That feeling scared you. The way you missed him, and needed him. It meant you no longer had control, no more power. He didn’t even know it but it was all in his hands.
You wanted to ignore it, continue to pretend like it wasn’t true.
But the thought of never having him again scared you more letting him have control over you.
The realization hit you hard and heavy. You wanted JJ back. Not halfway like before, but completely.
And once the thought landed, it stuck. There was no going back now.
Back at the chateau, JJ is left alone with only the comfort of lightening striking outside. The rest of the pogues planned a day trip, another occasion JJ said no to.
He knew he was being childish, it’s not like he could hide forever. Still, he wasn’t ready to turn back yet.
He laid back on the couch, staring up at the ceiling fan as it spun at the lowest setting.
He wondered what you were doing. How you were doing. Who you were with. If you missed him as much as he missed you.
His stomach twisted. You didn’t, he knew that. If you did, he wouldn’t be here right now. If you cared even a fraction of the amount he did, you wouldn’t have said the things you said.
JJ squeezed his eyes shut. Because despite all of it, he still wanted you back. All he wanted was to hold you in his arms, even for a moment.
He was on his feet before he could stop himself. He ran around the kitchen, searching for his keys. He couldn’t handle the separation anymore. If he had to choose between having you half way or not at all, he was gonna choose you.
He grabbed his keys from the table, effectively ignoring the storm raging outside. His fingers cradled the handle, rough apology ringing in his head already, and flung it open.
On the other side, you stood in front of him. The air around you was misty and wet. Rain poured down around you, wetting your hair and sticking to your face. Your clothes were drenched, clinging to your body like second skin. He noticed the mascara smudged beneath your eyes and the look on your face told him it wasn’t just the rain.
You both hesitated for a second before he cursed under his breath. His fingers clasped around your wrist, tugging you inside and slamming the door shut behind you.
“Jesus Christ, what the fuck’re you doin’?” He snapped. “It’s stormin’ out there, are you trying to get struck by lightning or something?”
You yanked your hand from his hold, chest heaving. Your jaw clenched.
“I didn’t come here to get lectured,”
“Then what’re you doin’ here?” He huffed, stepping back from you.
At the sight of you, he felt his anger slowly rise again.
Stepping back into his life again like you didn’t tear him apart. Waltzing back in like you had any right to.
“I hate you,” You said. Your hands were shaking at your sides, and you weren’t sure if it was from the cold or the urge to hug him.
“You ruined everything, and I hate you for it,”
His face twisted. “I ruined – you told me to leave!”
“And you did!” You shouted, shoving at his chest.
He stumbled backwards. Confusion took hold of him now, slowly washing away his anger.
“You’re mad that I did what you told me to? Do you even hear yourself right now?” He asked, incredulously.
JJ noticed how your shoulders began to shake, your eyes glossing over. His instinct yelled at him to go to you, to hold you but he didn’t.
You didn’t have a plan for when you got here. When you left your house, all you had in mind was seeing him. Now you were here and it was real. He was real.
“You weren’t supposed to,” You said softly.
He noticed how quiet your voice was, how small you sounded. It was the same way he sounded two weeks ago when he asked you to stay.
He stayed quiet, so you continued.
“I didn’t want you to matter to me.. but you do,” You breathed, lip trembling. “You do and I don’t know how to undo it,”
His brows pulled together. “So you’re mad at me for.. what, for existing?” He scoffed.
You eyes stung with tears, and your throat felt like it was on fire. “I’m mad because you’re in me,”
The words toppled from your mouth and you didn’t stop there. If you were doing this, you were doing it all the way.
“It’s like you clawed your way into my skin and no matter how hard I try to forget you, I can’t,” You said.
JJ’s breath hitched. He watched as you crumpled in front of him.
“You were right,” The first tear slipped down your cheek. JJ’s eyes followed the movement. “I chose you when I felt like it because I was scared. I was scared of letting you in and getting my heart broken,”
You paused, inhaling a shuddering breath. Warm tears fell freely down your face, staining your skin.
“I don’t want you to break my heart,”
In seconds he moved. His hands rose up, cupping your face in his hands and pressed his lips to yours. He ignored the feeling of your soaked hair clinging to his fingers, ignored the way his heart was cracking in his chest.
All he focused on was the way you raised on the tips of your toes to meet him halfway. He noticed the way your fingers dug into his arms, like you were scared he was going to disappear if you let go. He heard the small cry that muffled against his mouth when he finally made contact.
You held onto his arms tightly, pouring every bit of emotion you could into the kiss. Immediately, it felt different. It wasn’t like your normal rushed, desperate kiss you used to share – it was deeper, slower.
It felt like he needed it just as much as you did.
JJ pulled away first, pressing his forehead to yours. His lips curved at the ends, a hesitant smile.
“I was coming to find you,” He admitted quietly.
“I was on my way to you when I opened the door. I was gonna tell you I didn’t care about it anymore. That I’d take whatever you’d give me. Halfway. A quarter. Whatever you wanted,”
His confession broke something in you.
He was so good, too good for you. He was willing to hurt himself just to have you.
“I’m sorry,” You cried. JJ rubbed his thumb across your cheek, pulling back to look at you. You stared at the floor instead.
He whispered your name but you shook your head, eyes fixated on the small chip in the floor.
His thumb slowed across your skin. “Too late,”
You finally looked back up at him then. His beautiful green eyes looked back at you, reflecting only one thing.
You couldn’t hold back anymore.
JJ’s brows raised for a moment, and then a grin covered his face. His fingers clutched your face tighter, still not enough to hurt.
“I love you too,” He breathed.
Your shoulders dropped, tension slowly letting go of its hold on you. You pressed your lips against his again, tears running from your eyes and dropping onto his skin. JJ didn’t care. He kissed you back just as hard.
Outside, the storm continued – rain struck the windows and thunder cracked in the sky but inside, the only thing that existed was you two.
The atmosphere shifted and your movements got faster. JJ’s hand trailed from your face and down to your neck. He placed one under your jaw, pulling his lips from yours and turning your head to the side and attached his mouth to your neck.
“Tell me again,” He murmured against your skin.
You blinked. Your mind was mush already, lost in the feeling of him, you almost missed what he said.
“Please,” He begged, fingers tightening around the back of your neck.
“I love you,” You whimpered, head tilting back as his teeth nipped at your skin.
JJ let out a sound – something between a sob and a groan – and pulled you back into his mouth.
“I love you, I love you, I love you,” You repeated against his mouth.
He moved his mouth harder against yours. His fingers moved to the zipper of your wet jacket, tugging the metal down and shoving it off your shoulders.
The item dropped against the floor with a dull thud, forgotten as you two moved backwards together. JJ guided you down the hall, all while your hands grabbed at every part of him you could.
He didn’t miss the way you followed him mindlessly, a complete contrast to before.
His tongue slipped into your mouth, massaging yours with his own. Gently, you sucked on his, pulling a moan from him.
God, you loved that sound.
He backed you into the door of his bedroom, quickly reaching behind you and opening the door. You pulled him forward, further into the room.
In a matter of seconds, he managed to get rid of all your clothes and you did his. He laid you on the bed, hovering on top of you. He paused, holding himself up with one arm beside your head and the other pushing hair from your face, fingers sliding against your temple.
Your face was flushed, hair still damp from the rain. Your eyes were blown wide, lips trembling just barely. His eyes softened.
JJ lowered his face to yours, nose nudging against yours. “I love you,” He whispered.
His words settled deep in your chest, leaving a syrupy sweet feeling in your stomach.
When he finally slipped inside you, he moved softly and full of love. His hands spread across your body, warming your skin with his touch. You spent the night tangled in his arms, whispering I love you’s over and over.
When you finished, JJ collapsed beside and pulled your into his chest, arms wrapped around you tightly. You rested your cheek against his bare skin, memorizing the sound of his heartbeat.
“I’m glad you came back,” He murmured against the top of your head, planting a kiss.
You both knew then – you were choosing him and no matter how that looked down the road, you would keep choosing him.
