advice from a big non binary sibling? i gotcha

[pt: Introduction]

Hiya! Call me Soul (ey/em, he/she), Im a multigender non binary aroace girlboy just vibing here, who's seen many people freak out over their gender identity.

Well, Im here to help! Need to take smth off your chest? My ask box is open. Need advice? Either Ill give you some, or Ill redirect you to other blogs/resources who can. Im not the most knowledgeable, but Im here to provide a safe space for everyone questioning, whatever identity, no matter how contradictory. Be respectful and kind, and that's all you need!

Perisex and cis but want to know more? Feel free to ask! Writing a character of a different gender and dont know how to approach? Go ahead! Ask box is open to all your needs.

I also run @this-is-multigenderphobia where I am the most active and I reply to asks talking about multigender experiences with discrimination but also share multigender joy.

Not queer related but still need to talk? You can head over to @angels-safe-corner, a more general safe space for anyone who just needs someone to listen, maybe an encouragement or two and kind words <3

[Disclaimer, I use the word 'queer' to refer to any people in the LGBTQIA+ community. This blog will not use any other slurs, and all the ones that may be in a reblogged post or in an ask will be tagged. Im very unlikely to be able to tag out everytime I use the word, so if that bothers you, feel free to block.]

Master posts links:

[pt: master posts links:]

List of blogs dedicated to the LGBTQIA+ community (for resources, sharing experiences and vent)

I sent my original ask in like… a massive fit of pre-period hormone nonsense caused dysphoria?? Birth control can only fix the physical pain of that week unfortunately- anyways! Elaborating with a bit of a clearer head now

“…you dont want to be seen as a woman and that you wish you were physically more masculine so you could express your femininity in a way that makes you more comfortable…” -Yeah pretty much :[ I think I’d been going through my closet at that point and found some old long flowy skirts that I haven’t worn in ages because… I don’t really know. They aren’t my style? I don’t feel comfortable in how it would make people more inclined to see me? I loved the colors and the feel, I got them in the summer a few years ago because I wanted something cooler to wear. It made me feel sad and bittersweet to see them, I’m still not ready to give them away.it feels like maybe if I had a more masculine perceived body, I could still wear those things and it would be reflective of how I feel on the inside: not a girl wearing what girls should but a person expressing nonconformity (although, to be fair, I’ve never been a very feminine-dressing person in that way. Even when I was little dresses were for parties and sundays more than anything lol)

“…our brain looove to misgender us. It's both because your brain is used to it, because you arent sure/dont quite think another identity is valid which creates a force of habit that can feel extremely bad because it's both on purpose and not.” -GOD yeah, I’m so glad I’m not the only one to have experienced that. Would wish my brain could’ve been a bit more understanding after I’ve known I’m some flavor of trans for ~5 years but the closet is one hell of a reinforcement. But to give it some grace it’s only recently in the grand scheme of things that I’ve actually started to come around to trying to accept and put to words being transmasc (or a trans man? I’m really not sure. Part of this is just… trying to find labels. Or have someone give me the okay to even call myself that. That I’m not like… fetishizing the male experience or something or making a fool of myself for trying to be anything but the tiny stupid girl my genetics have laid out for me) (and who looks ridiculous when I’ve TRIED to align more with that)

“You can also use neopronouns and they/them pronouns without being non binary” -ABSOLUTELY!!! Most of the time I’ve been able to come out to someone irl I’ve just told them to use they/them… I wish I could ask them to use he/him but…. Yeagh. And neopronouns?? Man I’d be lucky </3

“I do want to ask, is finding the one label what will make you more comfortable?” -I think? I’d like to think so… but it also feels like I’ve tried everything to find one, torn between specificity and actually having something that is useful in explaining how I feel? Like… mostly a guy? But not entirely binary, or like that is just isn’t the whole box I guess… I don’t know it’s a bit late. But I have been able to do things to make myself more comfortable!! Even things me a few years ago couldn’t have imagined (I worse a suit to prom! A suit!!!!) (I’ve been able to cut my hair, smuggle in a binder… I do what I can, where I can and usually I do feel okay in my skin)

Hey! Sorry for the long wait, yeah my exams went well, thank you!

Honestly I think it makes tons of sense. You want to wear feminine things while not being immediately seen as a girl for it. It is totally cool to want to express gender non conformity, it's wonderful.

Also yeah the closet is definitely something that reinforces ones identity as 'not real'. I treat my brain's automatic thoughts like a parrot repeating what it heard. It can change what it says if you teach it to say kinder things.

You are definitely not fetishizing a gender by being trans!! You can totally call yourself transmasc, it's an awesome thing to be. You can be a gender non conforming boy or boy aligned enby, you can be masc in gender and androgynous or fem in presentation, hell you can be transaporine or transoutherine o transneutral! Fem and masc arent the only words we have to describe ourselves!

Just wanted to tell you that I appreciated the advice.

I've been trying to talk about it more lately. I was really scared to because part of me felt like talking about it would open me up to the danger of someone saying something like "if you think that it might be true/are you sure if youre trans if you feel like that" again but your reply helped with putting things into perspective since I have more to gain than to loose here even if that part is scary.

The first of these sucked because I was still too chickenshit to bring it up with anyone that matters so I instead submitted it in the anonymous advice/question box at a trans meet (so essentially what I did here but irl and directed at more strangers) and all of the replies from the other people in the group were about how you just have to love yourself. A lot of it hit me the wrong way though I can't explain why exactly.

But I did manage to talk to friends eventually and so far Ive found two people who do get it. And a lot who don't and now things are a bit weird because they cant relate at all and I dont know how to explain why Im like this it but we'll figure it out hopefully.

Also I (hopefully) found a new therapist who gets queer stuff more. My last ones weren't familiar with LGBTQIA+ related topics even if most of them weren't overtly homophobic.

Hey anon!! I thinkk I might have a sense of what your previous ask was but Ill be honest, a lot of anon asks are about internalized transphobia so Im not totally sure. But regardless, I am very proud of you!! This is scary as hell, because you felt it would open up your identity to scrutiny, so Id say you did awesome.

"Love yourself" is both kind of part of the solution sure but not very easy to put into practice so I get if it's frustrating to receive, because hey if we could flip a switch into loving ourselves we wouldve done it already!! I do think a therapist can help you better with this stuff, Ill say that while mine is very progressive she doesnt understand everything, and that's okay because we have different experiences, but someone who focuses on helping you as a whole means that even if they dont relate they will be able to give you more actionable advice.

That sounds like a really rough situation anon, Im sorry you had to go through that. There is no situation in which it's okay to throw slurs or misgender a trans person, and there is no gender identity that prevents someone from harming someone else.

My gender fluctuates a lot between male and female, but I feel really weird when I’m too much of one or the other. I’m feeling very masculine today, which I don’t like, whenever I feel very masculine it feels uncomfy. However, when I’m feeling very feminine, I feel like I’m just faking being genderqueer/I’m over-complicating things. I’ve kinda started to healthily poke fun at myself whenever I’m feeling down because I feel too much of one gender, usually by saying something like “I’m feeling bad about feeling too much like a boy, but in a few days, I’m probably gonna feel too much like a girl, huh?”, and that’s helped me a bit I suppose.

Being referred to as a girl makes me feel uncomfortable, and being referred to as a boy doesn’t in theory, but I’ve never been called a boy. It’s like I can’t even relate that label to myself at all. I’m bad at imagining things unless they happen, it’s a really big flaw of mine that makes thinking about things a little hard. No pronouns make me uncomfortable, but I’m a getting a little sick of hearing she every time, but I also just don’t like hearing myself referred to in the third person when I’m around at all, but that’s just a weird quirk of mine.

My gender is also very easily influenced by media for whatever reason. Well, at least when I’m in the mood for it? It’s weird. Like, sometimes seeing a character or listening to a song will make me feel nothing, but the next day it will suddenly trigger me to feel like a boy or like a girl.

I’m also not sure if I really want to be a boy, or if I just want to be free from the expectations that society has for women. Like, I feel like people find you less funny of you’re a girl because of sexism, they don’t listen to you if you’re a girl because sexism, etc. that might play a role in it. because I just want to have the whimsy that boys have, if that makes sense? like I feel that boys are allowed to joke around more and aren’t expected to be polite and submissive all the time.

It’s strange. I want to look like a very feminine boy, but I would never wanna have a deep voice or masculine anatomy at all. And I know I don’t have to worry about either of those things, but that also makes me feel a bit like I might not want to be a boy. 

I think I need to be in a better mental state to figure my gender out, but at the same time, not knowing my gender is part of why I’m not in a good mental state. 

sometimes I can think “I want to be a girl…” when I feel like a boy, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t feel like a girl again. I liked being a girl. But I don’t feel like one.

Every once in a while, I won’t feel like a girl or a boy, ANF not just because I’m not thinking about it, like seeing things that would usually make me feel like a girl/boy makes me feel nothing. and it’s AWESOMEEE!! I wish I could feel like that more, but I unfortunately don’t. It just feels like I’m more than gender, like it’s trivial and I shouldn’t worry about it. and I love that, but I usually am worrying about it.

like, I just wanna be a genderless creature. I don’t even wanna look human. If I woke up tomorrow as some sort of strange large entity, I would be ecstatic. I don’t wanna be a girl, I don’t wanna be a boy, but non-binary doesn’t feel right either. I wish I could have nothing to do with gender at all. But I still feel gender, although it’s against my will. I don’t like it. I wish I didn’t feel gender at all, but I do, and I have to live with that. 

I think I might be genderfluid. Do I want to be genderfluid? No. I wish my gender was stable. But it’s not, and that label defines me more than any other. and I think I may just have to accept that. I wish I could live without gender. 

Oh anon, Im really sorry that sounds like a very tough situation. It's hard and barely spoken of how you can feel one gender and not like it. I think the fact that media or songs influence how you feel makes perfect sense, it doesnt seem weird to me at all.

The explanation of why you might wanna be a boy is not something Id necessarily concern myself with. While it can be a valuable thing to understand, if you feel like a boy against your will it definitely doesnt seem like "wanting to escape misogyny" (also being a trans boy doesnt really achieve that most often)

Wanting to look like a feminine boy is perfectly valid! So is not wanting certain traits associated with masculinity. It feels like you dont like or want to be masculine and when you feel like that it makes you uncomfortable, but you dont mind the idea of being a boy, just if divorced from masculinity.

Honestly I can relate to not wanting to deal with gender at all sometimes, like not wanting to have a body that can be gendered by others. Your experience does sound very much related to genderfluidity, but that doesnt have to be the end all be all of the conversation! It's a hunch on my part, but perhaps if you tried to distinguish masculinity and femininity presentation wise from gender that might help you understand why you feel uncomfortable having one gender. Does it affect how you want to look in that moment? Like you said feeling masculine feels uncomfortable, is it because it makes you feel uncomfortable with stuff like femininity that you usually want? Or do you feel like you cant feel masculine and be feminine because of gender expectations?

-💫🌀

Hey there anon! sorry for the wait

You're right that figuring out what you're not doesnt narrow things down a whole lot but it's a start!! You said you dont want to be seen as a woman and that you wish you were physically more masculine so you could express your femininity in a way that makes you more comfortable right? You dont have to have masculine interests for that. And yeah, people pretty much dont talk about this but our brain looove to misgender us. It's both because your brain is used to it, because you arent sure/dont quite think another identity is valid which creates a force of habit that can feel extremely bad because it's both on purpose and not.

You can also use neopronouns and they/them pronouns without being non binary!! no one said you gotta subscribe to a preset package, you can mix and match whatever you like the most.

I've been out for 8 years now and my entire close circle of friends is queer and most of them are also trans but I still feel ashamed of who/what I am sometimes.

I'm aware it makes no sense that I feel this way since I would never think some of these things about the people around me, and a lot of my friends are similar to me in terms of identity, but when it comes to me specifically I keep doubting if every shitty thing I've ever heard about people like me could be true about me specifically. And I have heard a lot of shitty things about trans people over the years, a lot of it contradictory but this does not stop it.

Part of my continued struggle with this topic probably has to do with my tendency towards intrusive thoughts which I'm working on but this category of thought tends to hit me differently than the usual suspects and the normal acknowledge and let it pass thing isn't cutting it.

Probably because some of the feelings mixed in there are more real, closer to something I've actually believed at some point.

I guess what I'm asking is( and don't feel pressured to answer this part because I know it's a lot and this is just me dumping my thoughts into your ask box so they're somewhere out there):

I'm wondering how to get better at feeling like it's alright to be nonbinary. How to be proud of it eventually maybe.

Hey there anon, Ill say, Im not the best person to ask this to in that I myself am not out and I do still struggle with those same feelings sometimes, but Ill do my best and I hope others can also add on with their experiences. Sorry for the wait in replying to this

I know it’s definitely impatient of my to send this as it’s only really been a day but the thought that tumblr ate it has been plaguing me :[

Thank you so much for understanding!!! Have a great morning/afternoon/day/night <:]]]

-💫🌀

I still don’t know my gender. I want to be non-binary, but sometimes I feel like a boy, even though I don’t want to be a boy. This might be because of intrusive thoughts (which make my life hell), I think. but referring to myself as a boy OR as a girl both make me uncomfortable. but I don’t know if non-binary is the perfect label. sometimes I feel super like a boy (which I don’t want to, it makes me uncomfortable, but I still do. I like the idea of being a boy, but actually being only or mostly a boy makes me nauseous.) I don’t know what it feels like to feel non-binary. I’ve felt strongly a boy (used to be trans) and strongly a girl (used to be cis), but I’ve never felt strongly non-binary. is that even a thing? or is “feeling strongly non-binary” just not feeling like a boy or a girl?

my gender fluctuates a lot. like, A LOT. it may be hormones, may be anxiety, or it might just be me, I’m not sure. (the women in my family have a history of having very unpredictable and strong hormones, so that’s why I’ve mentioned it once again) like, in the morning I’ll wake up feeling neutral, then something will trigger me to feel like a boy (usually the vocaloid4 voicebank Fukase?? they make me question my gender more than anything, it’s really weird actually), then I get anxious about it, then I feel neutral again, then I’ll feel like a girl for a few minutes, then a boy, then just plain confused (right now).

I feel like multi gender would be good, but I feel like… 80% non-binary (or at least I’d like to be, but my brain tells me “oh, if you’re not a girl, you must be a boy then!”, because it doesn’t let me think for myself. sorry, anxiety disorder.) , 15% boy-like, and 5% girl-like. my identity is so complex that it confuses me. I guarantee that if I didn’t have intrusive thoughts, a habit of ruminating, and general anxiety disorder, I would have myself figured out/just not care as much. but, unfortunately… neurodivergence 🥲

I just feel like I might be some sort of genderfluid, except some of the genders I… fluid to..? (lmao) make me uncomfortable. I really don’t want to be a boy, I have a rather intense fear of men (not gonna get into it, this is about gender, not mental health.)

I think I like the idea of being a boy, but not calling myself a boy? I don’t know. I just want to be non-binary, that feels most like me, but my gender also feels more complex than that. much more complex.

honestly, I just have so many feelings, and I hope someone out there is going through the same thing as me. when I feel too masc, I feel uncomfortable with it, but when I feel feminine, I feel like I’m not actually genderqueer at all and I’m just faking it. (I know I am, it’s just my dumb brain that likes to make me question everything too much.)

I don’t know. I might send another ask if I have a better way to describe my feelings later/if my feelings change. this was wayyyy less well-put together than I thought it would be. bye now! your last response did help me, made me feel a bit less alone! my closest friend is not only cis and hetero, but she’s not the most supportive of unique identities, and I don’t feel comfortable talking to her about anything deep. she’s kinda mean, actually, I don’t really like her. and then as for my one queer friend, who is a trans boy, I don’t have his number. although, I would talk with him about it if I could. it’s nice to get advice from a genderqueer person. have a nice day! (

also, I didn’t re-read this after typing it, I’m too tired, so ignore any bad spelling/ bad grammar/literal missing words/not making sense.)

Hey!! Sorry for the time it took to reply, I had two exams back to back. Anyhow, glad to hear from you again!

So, to reply, if you want to call yourself nonbinary, you can absolutely identify as non binary!! Feeling like a boy but not wanting to be one is something I see trans boys discuss a bunch, not to say you are one but to say that it's not uncommon and you may want to look through those discussions to see if it's anything similar.

Ill say, there are also masculine/boy aligned genders that are non binary in nature- you dont have to call yourself a boy, even if you feel like one sometimes. You can identify as non binary even if you feel like a binary gender sometimes.

I don’t know what it feels like to feel non-binary. I’ve felt strongly a boy (used to be trans) and strongly a girl (used to be cis), but I’ve never felt strongly non-binary. is that even a thing? or is “feeling strongly non-binary” just not feeling like a boy or a girl?

Regarding this, to be honest, Im not the right person to ask because my reasoning for coming out as non binary was "do people feel strongly as one gender? because that is so hard to imagine, I really dont feel strongly as anything" and boom. I was non binary. So I couldnt tell you, I went as non binary for most of my life because of my lack of strong feelings towards any gender. Perhaps look into some maverique experiences, it's a label that defines a gender that is neither boy nor girl but that exists separately, maybe that will help you understand how others feel about being non binary.

If your gender fluctuates so much, it's natural to feel confused! Id say it's a pretty felt genderfluid experience, which is also an avaible label for you if you want to just leave it at that. Non binary genderfluid is a totally valid thing to be.

80% non-binary (or at least I’d like to be, but my brain tells me “oh, if you’re not a girl, you must be a boy then!”, because it doesn’t let me think for myself. sorry, anxiety disorder.) , 15% boy-like, and 5% girl-like.

Sounds like you got more figured out than you think! And the binary genders arent the only two options, not being a girl doesnt mean you ought to be a boy. It seems to me like you're looking for the perfect label, but you actually know a lot about your gender experience, perhaps no label is that specific, but that's okay. You can identify and call yourself whatever you want, you can be multigender or non binary or genderfluid or genderqueer, it's up to you and you're not "lying" because your gender's complexity isnt completely described with one label.

I think I like the idea of being a boy, but not calling myself a boy? I don’t know. I just want to be non-binary, that feels most like me, but my gender also feels more complex than that. much more complex. honestly, I just have so many feelings, and I hope someone out there is going through the same thing as me. when I feel too masc, I feel uncomfortable with it, but when I feel feminine, I feel like I’m not actually genderqueer at all and I’m just faking it. (I know I am, it’s just my dumb brain that likes to make me question everything too much.)

You are not alone anon, I know that for a fact. There's such a mix of factors in how society sees us and what it teaches us that gender comes with some expectations and anxieties and unwanted feelings. It's normal, confusing and difficult, but understandable.

Once again, I reiterate, you can be non binary if you want, you can be multigender genderfluid non binary. Non binary is also not a "no boy no girl" gender neutral label, it is a wide umbrella for everything outside of the rigid binary experience and it can definitely hold the complexity of yours inside of it, it's part of what it was made for. Your gender fluctuating doesnt make you any less valid, and is in fact not that uncommon, it doesnt mean your previous experiences were fake, it just means now is different than before, and that's okay!

but now I feel like I shouldn’t ignore it. I know deep down that I’m genderqueer in some way, I just don’t know what way. lately I’ve been feeling it more than ever. I’m constantly switching between “being a trans boy (again) doesn’t sound too bad, I guess…” (I identified as a boy for two years a while ago) but then seeing something that makes me wanna be a girl for whatever reason and going “nope, I wanna be a girl!”

but when I really think about the term “girl”, and when it’s used for me, I don’t really like it. I don’t want to be a girl, but I also don’t want to be fully a boy. and I would NEVER wanna be a cis boy EVER, so I don’t think I’m trans. I just want to be a boy in my imagination (well, I’m more like an androgynous little guy in my mind.) and in online games, because people online only find you funny if you’re a boy, because sexism.

okay, that got a little off track. also, these paragraph breaks don’t make too much sense, sorry. now, back to gender. I’m thinking I might be nonbinary. but that term also feels a little weird on me. or maybe I wanna look masc and be perceived as masc but still be a girl? but that’s not right. I’m not a girl. but I’m… not a boy either. but non-binary doesn’t feel right, because sometimes I kinda wanna be a girl? but not a girl, because “girl” makes me feel icky. uhhhhh 😓😓

and I’ve started to feel a bit uncomfortable when I look in the mirror. I’ve always been a bit insecure, but now more than ever. I wore a very feminine pink, low-cut shirt today, and I was suddenly very conscious of my large chest and long hair. seeing myself in the mirror made me wanna cry. that’s not who I am. and with how my face looks, I don’t even think I could pull off being androgynous :(

I just feel like every gender and none of the genders at once. no pronouns upset me, but I know if I use all pronouns, everyone will just use she. but I’m not just she. I’m everything. and nothing.

sorry for making no sense. have a nice day :3

Hey anon!! Please dont apologize, I made this blog exactly for this sort of gender rants. It's so hard to wrap one's head around a gender experience that is even slightly out of what society teaches us, so I find that the "I cant make sense of my own words/feelings" is pretty common here, and that's exactly why my asks are open.

I actually experience similar feelings to yours, especially so when I started questioning, that's when everything that was alright before started causing me discomfort, because I let myself be open to the possibility and to feeling those feelings. Also, trying to box myself up in one identity or the other caused me such a great amount of stress and anxiety.

Perhaps it's weird, but ill start from the bottom. You shouldnt limit your self discovery because you think you might realize what you want to be and you think you'll never get it. I know these feelings are tough, and they hurt sometimes too. You should probably take your time with it, take it easy, you dont have to figure it out all at once. But if I may, dont let yourself push your wishes down because you're afraid they'll be unreacheable; if you do, you might prevent yourself from finding out that you can achieve some things to make yourself more comfortable in your body. If you've been insecure for a while, it is easier for your mind to go back to "you cant look how you want" train of thought, so you may be biased as to whether you can look androgynous or not. I wouldnt trust my own brain that much, because insecurity plays a big part in self perception.

Similarly, wanting to use all pronouns but knowing that others will only use she, meaning that you dont actually ever get to try and use all pronouns, it is preemptively barring yourself from the possibility to be how you want to be. And I get it, because it's scary, but it's no chance of being called anything other than she vs a chance of being called something other than she. I dont know if im making sense, but if you dont try, you wont know if you couldve gotten what you wanted. Also, I feel you, I too feel constricted by how other people view me, because I know they view me through a monogender lens, but I am multigender, which means part of me is always cast aside. It hurts, but I find there is also joy in knowing who I am and being able to be honest with myself, and I wouldnt have found that out if I hadnt tried, even if the ideal world for me isnt the one I exist in.

I similarly feel like multiple genders at once. I find it a useful way to describe myself as a boy who is a girl and a girl who is a boy. A sillier way would be that Im not a girl as in "not a boy", but I am a girl as in so far into boy that it turns into girl and viceversa. My gender doesnt take boy and chips away at it to make space for girl, it builds and adds so that you can cross all the way from boyhood to girlhood.

To me, being a boy or a girl isnt an option. It is not one or the other, I find the two experiences to be deeply interconnected and influence by each other. I dont want to be seen as a cis girl or a cis boy, because the way cisness is defined, it means that I should be "only a boy" or "only a girl", and that's not me. Non binary sometimes feels inaccurate in that it could imply a detachment from boyhood and girlhood, at least that's my case. But that's me, and hey, Ive yet to figure out if my gender identity shifts or not.

So, here are some suggestions for you, and Id love for you to get back to me on them. Bigender and multigender, as in more than one gender, they may not be your labels but I suggest looking through experiences described under those labels because you might relate to some. Similarly, pangender/omnigender on a "all genders at once" perspective. Transandrogynous, as far as wanting to look and present androgynously, and it can be combined, as transmasculine if you feel that describes how you want to present. It doesnt necessarily have to describe your identity. Transmascfem, transfemmasc, transandrogynous + transmasc, all options you could look into.

You might also want to take note on if you feel that your perception of your gender changes, as in your gender changes from one to another, but can also be from mostly one to mostly another (genderfluid), or if perhaps the genders remain the same but the intensity with which you feel them shifts (genderflux). Androgyne is also a gender label, and here I copy pasted from the non binary wiki, to have a definition that includes multiple meanings:

Androgynes have a gender identity that can be a blend of both or neither of the binary genders. They may describe this as being between female and male, between man and woman, between masculine and feminine or simply 'in between.' They can also identify as neither feminine or masculine, or neither female and male.