Theres a static, an anemoic grasp for something that I don't even want, a struggle I can never understand, and yet that I feel a strong connection to.
A break up that never happened, but which is rooted in a real, past, terrible experience.
The clouds, with distance between them and me, creates the very same sense of distance I feel with a part of me.
Whether the sun graces their white-grey forms is irrelevant, whether they contain rain and cold, or a slight, momentary shade, they bring forth songs to mind.
Songs which have only been recently discovered, but which pull on memories which never existed.
A nostalgia based on a terrible experience.
A nostalgia based on a time and a place which has already passed, and which can never be reclaimed.
The sadness with which that nostalgia is regarded, a past which could have been, but which never was.
A reminder of childhood, but one that never occurred.
And yet, such a childhood is not so desirable, and to even desire it is a self-destructive act.
But without it, there is a disconnect between here and there, between now and then, between what is and what could have been.
And there is where I am stuck.
Never one, but never the other.
Not making efforts towards doing better, but unable to return to the other, not comfortably.
Overextension, stares, up at the ceiling, never face it head on.
Facing it head on would be what a predator does.
Staring, analyzing, justifying, unable to convince yourself that you are not the problem, even when there is no problem to begin with.
Warped perception, warped views, warped appearance.
What standards do I conform to? Am I ready? Is it all too fast? Yes, but is that my fault?
Helpless, before the future, before others, before unknown social forces that can rob me of those very things tomorrow
Overexaggerating, over-justifying, feeling like I don't deserve the benefit of the doubt, even as it is afforded to me.
What do I deserve? Definitely not all that I have, but it's all I can do to take advantage of it while it's here.
But isn't that exactly what I'm afraid of? Taking advantage of something?
And therefore, a new struggle is developed.
One I wish never existed.
One I wish no one had to go through
And I'm one of the lucky ones.
Overstatement of the obvious.
