#transfemcel

Requested by ANON

They're all gay, but I'm the only trans one of the bunch, and this is common knowledge. Kind of hard to be stealth when you don't voice train lol. Anyway, after talking a little bit about my experiences with being trans at school and them talking about their experiences being gay at school, the topic of my name change comes up. Out of nowhere, one of them asks me "Do you plan on doing voice training anytime soon?" This felt a little direct, but this person isn't exactly the most subtle, so I kind of brush it off and answer it, telling them that it's not something I really have the energy to do nowadays (with the whole trying-not-to-kill-myself thing draining most of my energy, not that they know that lol). The next thing they ask just straight up broke me. They asked "Are you planning on getting estrogen any time soon?" I have been on HRT since May of last year. Almost a whole year. When do I kill myself /hj

This fucking sucks ass, no one views me as a girl, and I still don't even bother to put in the effort to change that. I want out, but the other option would be even worse for my mental health

Today has been very weird In a way, I have accepted what I am, what I look like. I feel like an independent film with a grainy, blurry, static-y texture to it about a minimum wage worker who reconnects with an old childhood friend after transitioning by getting trapped in their place of work with them. The plot of the film revolves around them reconnecting while messing around with the store, and teaching the childhood friend to be not transphobic with little moments of vulnerability. Maybe its because i got put in a similar situation when someone I used to be friends with in middle school, who i think used to have a crush on me, back when i was a boy, turned out to work at my new job without me knowing, working the closing shift with me. We didn't really reconnect, and she misgendered me a lot, so it's not like I think that's going to happen, but its been my go-to mental thought for the past 2 days. I also feel like that kind of film would end in a romance, but im already taken and im not even attracted to her like that anyway, all that to say I've had a weird acceptance of my appearance This half-in, half-out of femininity, not entirely female, but definitely not male. no makeup, baggy clothing, long hair, small chest it's not optimal, and it's not where I want to end up, but I have reached a weird sense of... aesthetic appreciation for it, almost contentedness with it; male voice or no.

I just really feel like I should be doing… more! There's so much that I feel like I'm missing out on and I feel like I have the opportunity to change that, and to then I just… don't So much of what I do is so purely for the aesthetic of it, that I worry that there's no substance behind it But at the same time, what is substance when it comes to a hobby? The only good definition that I could think of was "does it bring you joy?" and, I guess, yea, my hobbies do bring me joy. but then why does it feel like something is missing? I guess I really need to make a list that will remind me of things to do instead of watching youtube for hours on end. But whenever I do that, I just end up glancing at the list once a day, feeling bad about it, and then never looking at it again. At this rate, I don't know if I want to be productive. I don't know why I'm so demotivated to be productive though. I WANT to have a passing voice, so I should be able to muster up the effort to voice train, right? I WANT to be able to drive, so I should be able to muster up the effort to study for the drivers test, right? I WANT to be able to afford college, so I should be able to muster up the effort to apply for scholarships, right? But no. I don't muster up anything but complaints. I hope I don't waste whatever potential I have. I feel like I have so much that I could do with it. I feel like I have challenging but achievable goals. I don't want to label myself as lazy, because I think the usage of that term tends to be a misnomer. But at this rate, I don't know what to call it. I don't wanna call it depression, because, even though I know, on a fundamental level, I probably do have depression, I don't want to make excuses for myself. I don't even know if figuring out what it is would help me. I don't know anything. All I do all day is listen to music that makes me feel like shit and helps me wallow, but which I have such a dependence on that I can't possibly stop listening. Is this what they call the senior slump? I should be showering right now. I'm not. I should be playing guitar right now. I'm not. I should be sleeping right now. I'm not. I feel like I can't do anything right. I feel like I'm slipping behind. I feel like nothing I'm doing is the right thing. I feel like nothing I'm doing is progress. I'm so tired.