zavfi

girly makeup ie mascara/eyeliner/lips

unisex (which is really just reappropriated masc) clothes day-to-day

upper body shaved and lower body unshaved like a satyress/fauness

long wavy brushed hair

painted nails

bracelets and hair ties

an androgynous voice

at the beach, a bikini top with swim shorts

The wide-eyed one is about how she dissociates so to not feel anything, the loony-toons one is about how she pretends to be okay through comic relief, and I think the piano-playing one represents her feeling a need to use her talents and skills in order to feel validated. The most interesting to me though is the maid-dress one.

The first time we see Jax in that outfit, she gets super embarrassed and humiliated in it. My first reaction to that (and I was getting heavy egg vibes early on) was that her being in that outfit made her uncomfortable because she had to confront what she has been trying to hide. But I don't think that's all the maid outfit is.

I think it represents how trans people are faced with this pressure to pander to the fetishization and invalidation of being trans, specifically transfem people in this case.

In Episode 9, we get a glimpse at maid-dress Jax in the fantasy where Zooble is gone and Gangle is having a manic episode. Jax pokes fun at challenging gender stereotypes and then immediately follows it up with being flirty and suggestive towards Gangle, inviting them to their room for... something. We later see maid Jax say again that she's wearing the dress ironically, then says the f-slur just to hammer home the whole "lolz im like so gay and such a girl isnt it so funny???"

Although I may be projecting quite a bit here, I think it speaks to an experience I don't hear enough about. The idea that being trans isn't a real thing, that it's as legitimate as a porn category, and that certain media can and does perpetuate that idea. It speaks to how those who only just realise they're trans will go looking for information and resources on what it all means and how to navigate this, and then being met with so much sexualisation and ridicule of that identity. It speaks to how when you don't have any healthy or appropriate representation or security, you end up falling into that mould given to you by a transmisogynistic society.

Don't get me wrong though; I don't think it's inherently bad to play with that in sex, so long as all parties involved are aware, consenting, and able to consent to that kind of play. It's a performance that should be practiced with so much care and caution. But when an unaware and confused egg sees only that, with no stable or foundational identity to secure themselves to, making that fetishization the bedrock of their identity, that's when I think it becomes a problem.

I'd have moved to a new city that's not so dangerous, and I'd have finally left an unsupportive home. A new room that I can decorate freely, a new wardrobe with better expression, and the space to do stuff like voice training and hair shaving without disturbing a shared space.

Taking care of my hair, picking out which dress I wanna wear each day, doing my eyes in the morning, and being able to introduce myself to new people as a woman. Maybe even meet someone special who I could call my partner, who is there for me, who loves me and I them, supporting each other in any way we can, with no reservations or false assumptions about who the other person is.

Being able to look in the mirror and know that I'm not hiding anymore, and that I'm finally free.

The only thing holding me back is genuinely the cost of living and lack of income to afford it.

I'm writing all this to vent and put words to what I'm dealing with. Even after writing this, I don't know how to move forward. But as a step forward, I want to put this out there.

This could be generally read from a transfem or transmasc perspective, but I am writing from a transfeminine perspective.

Realizing that you're trans while in a conservative state today feels like such an impossible situation.

You start to notice all the subtle bits of cisnormativity and transphobia that you might have not noticed before. And in some cases, it becomes such a conflict when you need to behave within that even though you aren't aligned with it.

Not only do you have years of your life to look back on and the countless facets of your identity to reassess, but you gotta do all that as far back in the closet as possible just so you don't get found out. Because if you get found out, you suddenly become something to be afraid of or grossed out by.

You struggle to commit to new friendships and relationships because the chance of them not liking who you are is more likely than not, and it's especially disrespectful when dating because you're not being honest about who you are. You get so lonely with no idea how to break out of that.

It becomes a torturous switchy life.

On the one hand, you need to uphold this masculine presence that's been built and registered by others over the years even though it feels icky and wrong to perform that, which in turn just builds it further. The only thing you get out of that is this unwritten social security.

On the other hand, you're trying to move away from that pain by nurturing this new feminine presence that may have always been there but was never given the light or time of day. You want so badly to just embrace and express yourself with all the love and respect you have to give, but doing so genuinely puts your social life - work, family, school, local community - at risk.

On a surprise third hand, you might look at that conflict and just wish to abolish gender altogether. But at least in my case, I don't know if I'm actually non-binary or if I'm using that as a scapegoat to avoid addressing the fact that I'm more transfeminine than not.

And to top it all off with a horrible thought, you might look at everything there and wish you could just beat this out of you. When you face so much rejection and hatred by others for how you feel, it's hard not to wonder if you actually are a problem. That's when you start to internalize all the cisnormative transphobic rhetoric, but that sits alongside your transfemininity and becomes this messy matted double-knotted amalgamation that is your sense of self.

That is the impossible situation. Do you stay in the closet and in a constant state of denial and resentment for who you are and the world around you, or do you come out and risk your life in every way imaginable so that you can let go of that pain?