!*!*! TW: GENDER DYSPHORIA, INTERNALIZED TRANSPHOBIA !*!*!
I'm writing all this to vent and put words to what I'm dealing with. Even after writing this, I don't know how to move forward. But as a step forward, I want to put this out there.
This could be generally read from a transfem or transmasc perspective, but I am writing from a transfeminine perspective.
Realizing that you're trans while in a conservative state today feels like such an impossible situation.
You start to notice all the subtle bits of cisnormativity and transphobia that you might have not noticed before. And in some cases, it becomes such a conflict when you need to behave within that even though you aren't aligned with it.
Not only do you have years of your life to look back on and the countless facets of your identity to reassess, but you gotta do all that as far back in the closet as possible just so you don't get found out. Because if you get found out, you suddenly become something to be afraid of or grossed out by.
You struggle to commit to new friendships and relationships because the chance of them not liking who you are is more likely than not, and it's especially disrespectful when dating because you're not being honest about who you are. You get so lonely with no idea how to break out of that.
It becomes a torturous switchy life.
On the one hand, you need to uphold this masculine presence that's been built and registered by others over the years even though it feels icky and wrong to perform that, which in turn just builds it further. The only thing you get out of that is this unwritten social security.
On the other hand, you're trying to move away from that pain by nurturing this new feminine presence that may have always been there but was never given the light or time of day. You want so badly to just embrace and express yourself with all the love and respect you have to give, but doing so genuinely puts your social life - work, family, school, local community - at risk.
On a surprise third hand, you might look at that conflict and just wish to abolish gender altogether. But at least in my case, I don't know if I'm actually non-binary or if I'm using that as a scapegoat to avoid addressing the fact that I'm more transfeminine than not.
And to top it all off with a horrible thought, you might look at everything there and wish you could just beat this out of you. When you face so much rejection and hatred by others for how you feel, it's hard not to wonder if you actually are a problem. That's when you start to internalize all the cisnormative transphobic rhetoric, but that sits alongside your transfemininity and becomes this messy matted double-knotted amalgamation that is your sense of self.
That is the impossible situation. Do you stay in the closet and in a constant state of denial and resentment for who you are and the world around you, or do you come out and risk your life in every way imaginable so that you can let go of that pain?
It's tragic to stay closeted, but it's terrifying to come out.