orbitaldamage

all the time

there's this tension in my chest all the time and at random moments it feels like i'm just going to start sobbing

i just want to stop having to worry about bills and when i'm going to eat something other than pasta

i can't get real help and i still have to drag this rotting corpse of a body around because killing yourself isn't fair to everyone else

but you can't say that it's not fair they expect you to keep doing it

i'm trying so hard but every fucking day is trying and

i can't even manage to take care of myself

and i need so much help but according to the state I'm not helpless enough

and it sucks because it's not like people don't care it's that the economy is shit

i'm really trying to find a job... i keep getting denied places and i'm at a point where if i can't get something in the next week or so and make money i'm going to be homeless

i'm scared and tired and i just feel more and more like a burden because at the end of the day people can love you all they want

some things are going ok or there are brighter spots and possibilities

but the dark spots are like black holes

i have to fight myself every day to want to stay and it's no one's fault but mine

all i do is cost people money

still, more and more i realize relationships are all so individualized that i struggle to understand what's too far for one friendship but fine for another and where the lines are

i just want to be able to relax and not second guess myself as being too much or not enough

i so desperately want to *be* without being so worried about people abandoning me

time for a long, emotionally labor intensive conversation about friends vs friends with benefits and how i can't tell the fucking difference and don't know how to even try anymore

i can't do another serious relationship

i just wanted to shut my brain off with someone i trust

no feeling feelings other than bad bad bad when you're unemployed and stressed out of your mind and running out of options

like really running out my dad can't keep bailing me out and i know that

it's already not ok that i've had to borrow and i'm trying so hard to pick myself back up but it feels impossible

i'm too tired... i'm too scared to open myself like that to another person again

you were it for me

and i know that's a lot of pressure which is why i wish i hadn't admitted it. to myself or to you

i wish i could have just believed i was over it and not sitting alone every night wishing i could change myself to be what you need

but i made sure you weren't coming back with every stupid, selfish decision i made after it happened and i keep hoping maybe it'll stop hurting so much

i just keep replaying that scene in my head. the static in my limbs, the tightness in my chest, the absolute defeat crushing down on me and then to be expected to speak? to fight or cry or do anything but remember how to breathe, you think i'm far stronger than i am and i wish i were. it's another thing i can't be for you

so i'll keep doing whatever you want and giving what i can to be allowed to stay even if it feels like i'm burning alive because i'm scared of what might happen if i can't be there

and then not getting a response

i should just try harder

i should just be better

and i can't and it feels like failure

i couldn't when i really needed to and lost everything because of it

i know i'm not over it, i'm letting myself be fine with things so i don't get completely isolated

but i feel so guilty every time i remember how alone i still feel

guilty about how i couldn't get myself to say anything when it happened because i just shut the rest of the way down

ashamed that i don't think i'm going to be able to be in another relationship at this point and knowing i can't say anything or it'll just sound like i'm trying to guilt trip you

it's so lonely

i'm so fucking lonely

it's 90 in here

90 degrees but if i use my ac too much i'll have to figure out how to afford another 200+ bill for a one bedroom apartment...

i just want to live somewhere that isn't a million degrees outside i'm not made for this heat

i'm genuinely too hot to function, i'm cranky, it's not helping how stressed out i am because of other stuff

my heart is beating so fast in my chest and things are buzzing and i'm trying not to feel guilty