wormania

so basically i miss my mom it was her 5 yr death date on the 2nd and we planted another round of memorial flowers by her spot and im so alone inside myself but at least i have people i can talk to who care and relate

also how wild to think we could talk about and resolve anything after saying something like that. also recording my mental breakdown while i was just trying to leave so it can be shown to further mock and humiliate while im literally in the same room. now that my nervous system hasn't been switched on to being fried completely for the first time maybe ever im not in any hurry to go back to anything or anyone like that

since i e actually had space and time to process the grief of my mom more it's so hard to actually enjoy so much. which feels weird because ive also had some of the most fun and fulfilling and loving experiences this year but then i get back to regular life stuff and it's like a complete absence of something so fundamental it feels like my guts are literally going to spill out. and then the extra knife of someone else's voice saying i "made it my whole personality" so there's an insecurity about even talking about something that will linger my entire life probably!! there's no way i'm not going to be weird and affected by my mom dying forever!! as if there wasn't already an invisible wall between me and the world. oh well. the hope and love endures and i do still love the world i just don't know how to feel it anymore when alone with the pain of all the loss