my heart is a metal pole; with you all i can be is my role.

I am no longer telling myself I should have x, y, z

but I still wish I had never gone through any of that somehow. I know I really needed to project all of my happiness into something and that because of all the stress I wanted to be in a relationship to cope with being homeless. I know that this numbed the pain totally and it did serve its purpose and that I am not dumb and I did not really lose anything but that specific type of virginity to a guy that didn’t deserve it. But God I feel like shit, especially knowing no one really cares all that much

if I could go back in time I would tell myself to just get over him in private, gloss over everything and just keep asking him for gifts instead. He never had the backbone to tell me he just wanted something transactional but I knew, I knew, I knew. I just did not want to let go of the idea that I finally found the love of my life with his Animal Planet autism and his knowledge of everything under the sun that for once in my life did not bore me (even though I was so frustrated all the time). I just couldn’t let go of the fact that finally I was someone who wasn’t so fucking boring that I wanted to place my claim. when the better thing to do was to chalk it up to that he had a 2M inheritance in bitcoin and ask for dresses on therealreal